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Newest Member: Else (61873)

User Topic: What does this mean?
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically, we have been getting along good and he is doing everything right. I feel stronger and able to deal with this (most times). I still have my moments of despair and "why is this happening/how could he". He is doing everything right, answers questions to the point I don't ask as many anymore, transparency and then some, etc... . He has cried and truly seems remorseful. My question is: the stronger I get, the less I give a crap about him. I love him and want this to work, but I just don't know if I can EVER, EVER let it go. Is it me not R or is it normal to feel this way?

Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 months out I was still in shock. My head went every which way with pros and cons and cons and pros, my heart went every which way between grief and anger and anger and grief, my gut was just stumped and scared.

You sound like you're in a lot better place than I was, but I would still expect a lot of internal volatility.

I think what you're experiencing is pretty much normal. Very unpleasant, but normal.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17113 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was normal for me. It would come and go. It would be euphoric we can do this! To ftg, I don't need him. An exhausting rollercoaster.

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here. Some days I feel like I'm too good for him and that I deserve better. Some days I feel like I just can't stay in this relationship.

And then other days, I couldn't imagine leaving.

It sure is a roller-coaster, and its definitely not fun.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 33
WBF: 30
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 30315
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt the same way shortly after DDay, I dont remember how long. For me, I think it was a coping mechanism. If I did not need him, then he could not hurt me that way ever again. I was terrified of ever needing him the way I had before, because it opened myself up to being hurt all over again.

It took me a while to get past that and to truly let down some of the walls, but i did get there.

I am pessimistically optimistic

Me- 45
WH- 38
Married 15 years, together 18. Two kids together, boys age 11 and 12.
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.

Posts: 835 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
♀ 42195
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get this, too. When I'm feeling stronger, I give less of a crap about him. But then he notices, and responds even better, and I swing back the other way to where I'm so excited that we could turn into one of those "better then before" couples. Then the pain of it all sneaks back up on me, so I re-focus on me more, until I'm feeling stronger....and so it goes. *sigh*

DDay 10/23/13

Me 42, he 44
3 kids

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 23547
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normal. Completely normal. Your D-Day is very recent.

I'll be 5 years out on April 6th. Eventually you will let it go. I won't say things will ever go back to how you felt pre-A, but you do let it go. I can go days, weeks, even months without thinking about it. My husband did everything right from day one and we did rebuild, but I am forever changed.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 977 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 13 months out from DDay, and i still have days like that. Mostly, it hits me when we have a set back, (like if WH makes a mistake) I go to the dark place and the feelings of "i cant believe what he did, i deserve better, i cant stay" kick in. BUT, They are fewer and far between now....however, in the early days, i went back and forth a lot.

I think what you are feeling is normal. Hang in there. hugs to you.

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 31030
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 4.8 years out and I will never forget it, but I have accepted it. Honestly, it wasn't until year 4 that I could really say it and mean it. I have accepted that it happened and absolutely nothing I can do will ever change that it happened. I have surrendered to that and chosen to move forward with my husband and my marriage. Our relationship is forever changed and the past mourned, but I really do like who we are now much better than before.

BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 15 yrs, together 20 yrs

Posts: 862 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 30143
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh, at two months out, I hadn't even gotten a good start! I was in shock for the first several weeks, and then unable to function for five more months.

That's just me, but be prepared for lots of ups and downs. It's normal.

Me (BW) (58), Him(SAWH) (61)
Married 24 years, 1 son (22), 1 stepdaughter (30)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1781 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 10

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