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Reconciliation :
What does this mean?

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 deena04 (original poster member #41741) posted at 4:04 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Basically, we have been getting along good and he is doing everything right. I feel stronger and able to deal with this (most times). I still have my moments of despair and "why is this happening/how could he". He is doing everything right, answers questions to the point I don't ask as many anymore, transparency and then some, etc... . He has cried and truly seems remorseful. My question is: the stronger I get, the less I give a crap about him. I love him and want this to work, but I just don't know if I can EVER, EVER let it go. Is it me not R or is it normal to feel this way?

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3352   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6659929
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:11 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

2 months out I was still in shock. My head went every which way with pros and cons and cons and pros, my heart went every which way between grief and anger and anger and grief, my gut was just stumped and scared.

You sound like you're in a lot better place than I was, but I would still expect a lot of internal volatility.

I think what you're experiencing is pretty much normal. Very unpleasant, but normal.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31133   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6660150
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Lostinthismess ( member #39210) posted at 8:19 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

It was normal for me. It would come and go. It would be euphoric we can do this! To ftg, I don't need him. An exhausting rollercoaster.

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

posts: 401   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2013
id 6660425
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4everfaithful83 ( member #41761) posted at 8:31 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Same here. Some days I feel like I'm too good for him and that I deserve better. Some days I feel like I just can't stay in this relationship.

And then other days, I couldn't imagine leaving.

It sure is a roller-coaster, and its definitely not fun.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 36
1 doggie
DDay: June 24th, 2013
DDay 2 : August 22nd,2017

Left him August 26th, 2017

posts: 818   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 6660450
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deb3129 ( member #30315) posted at 8:32 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

I felt the same way shortly after DDay, I dont remember how long. For me, I think it was a coping mechanism. If I did not need him, then he could not hurt me that way ever again. I was terrified of ever needing him the way I had before, because it opened myself up to being hurt all over again.

It took me a while to get past that and to truly let down some of the walls, but i did get there.

I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 45
WH- 38
Married 15 years, together 18. Two kids together, boys age 11 and 12.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.

posts: 836   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast Texas
id 6660457
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JustShine ( member #42195) posted at 8:36 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

I get this, too. When I'm feeling stronger, I give less of a crap about him. But then he notices, and responds even better, and I swing back the other way to where I'm so excited that we could turn into one of those "better then before" couples. Then the pain of it all sneaks back up on me, so I re-focus on me more, until I'm feeling stronger....and so it goes. *sigh*

DDay 10/23/13

Me 42, he 44
3 kids

posts: 204   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2014
id 6660465
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NoMorDeceit ( member #23547) posted at 8:57 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Normal. Completely normal. Your D-Day is very recent.

I'll be 5 years out on April 6th. Eventually you will let it go. I won't say things will ever go back to how you felt pre-A, but you do let it go. I can go days, weeks, even months without thinking about it. My husband did everything right from day one and we did rebuild, but I am forever changed.

FBS
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled for 8 years. Decided I deserved better than someone who had ever cheated on me. R failed 2/2017. Happy and free. :)



posts: 1003   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2009
id 6660499
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SorrowBhindSmile ( member #38139) posted at 9:10 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

I am 13 months out from DDay, and i still have days like that. Mostly, it hits me when we have a set back, (like if WH makes a mistake) I go to the dark place and the feelings of "i cant believe what he did, i deserve better, i cant stay" kick in. BUT, They are fewer and far between now....however, in the early days, i went back and forth a lot.

I think what you are feeling is normal. Hang in there. hugs to you.

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

posts: 357   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2013
id 6660521
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LoveActually ( member #31030) posted at 10:27 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

I'm 4.8 years out and I will never forget it, but I have accepted it. Honestly, it wasn't until year 4 that I could really say it and mean it. I have accepted that it happened and absolutely nothing I can do will ever change that it happened. I have surrendered to that and chosen to move forward with my husband and my marriage. Our relationship is forever changed and the past mourned, but I really do like who we are now much better than before.

BS (Me) WS (Him) D-Day 5/29/09Married 15 yrs, together 20 yrs

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2011
id 6660665
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sudra ( member #30143) posted at 10:49 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Gosh, at two months out, I hadn't even gotten a good start! I was in shock for the first several weeks, and then unable to function for five more months.

That's just me, but be prepared for lots of ups and downs. It's normal.

Me (BW) (5\64), Him(SAWH) (68)Married 31 years, 1 son (28), 1 stepdaughter (36) DDay #1 January 2004DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)Working on R

posts: 1876   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2010
id 6660695
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