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Still in shock

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barelygettingby posted 1/28/2014 13:28 PM

Long story short - my partner (WS) and I have been together for 17+ years. We've been through a lot, including cancer and a hysterectomy (both for me). WS told me in November that she had a one-night stand with (what I thought was) a good friend of ours (OP1), AND that she had had an several-months-long affair with someone else 8 years ago (OP2). Then 2 weeks ago she told me that she had another one-night stand (OP3). So I am just truly in shock, and don't know what to do. I knew we had issues with intimacy stemming from my loss of hormones and other stuff, but I had no idea it was like this.

She is staying at her mom's house (her mom is out of town for the winter) for the next month while she figures out what she wants. She says she wants to stay married, but only if she can figure out how to stop hurting me.

I have been surviving, I guess - but this morning I woke up in a very dark place. Just can't figure out how she could do this to us. We are in IC and MC, but I don't see my IC for the 1st time until Monday, so I'm really feeling alone.

I don't understand the point of the "180" - if I am not honest with her about how shitty I feel, doesn't that make it seem like I don't care? I WANT her to know what this has done to me.

Thanks for letting me share. I'm glad this forum is here.

norabird posted 1/28/2014 13:41 PM

Can you call your IC for a quick gut check before your next appointment?

My understanding of the 180 (ohhhh how I wish I had found and used this from the first ) is that it is for you to regain your sense of yourself, to not be dependent on her and the relationship for satisfying all your needs. However, what do I know! You certainly should express how hurt you are in MC; if you do it in between times, what is her reaction? If she only resents your pain, then you will save yourself hurt from withdrawing your expectations.

As for the dark place...completely understandable. Are there people you can rely on to help you right now? To distract you? Or can you do something nice for yourself?

strangeasfiction posted 1/28/2014 13:43 PM

Wow, I know you're in such a painful and confused place right now. Unfortunately, way too many people have been in their own personal hell for similar reasons.

She is staying at her mom's house (her mom is out of town for the winter) for the next month while she figures out what she wants. She says she wants to stay married, but only if she can figure out how to stop hurting me.

Of course she should try to figure out what she wants. But I've had my ass kicked on here (and rightly so) for focusing on what my WW wants and not on what I want. Or need. In short, don't forget about yourself.

I'm in no position to advise on the 180 but I know others are and will. Peace and strength to you.

mj052 posted 1/28/2014 13:47 PM

I'm so sorry for your pain!!!:( The heartache of infidelity cuts us to the very core- how someone who we trusted the most could do this to us is incomprehensible!!

The idea of the "180" is to detach yourself from the "hurter" b/c quite frankly- the wayward- are still in the fog- so to speak of what they have done- that is if they have any remorse whatsoever!!

I know it's hard- believe me!! But you need to portray the strong- confidant person in her presence who will survive no matter what the circumstances!! My wayward could give a damn about how much he hurt me!! It was only about him!! When I first found out over 20 months ago- I had to remind myself to breathe- and I had no idea how I would survive one minute to the next!! The pain was overwhelming!! Take good care of yourself!! And remember you did nothing to deserve this!! She's the damaged one- who in all likelihood could give a rat's ass about your pain!!

Hugs to you!! It's a long road!! I'm glad you're going to IC!!

happyman64 posted 1/28/2014 13:55 PM

I highly doubt she will care about your "pain".

Maybe because she intentionally hurt you but probably because she is so selfishly hurting herself.

Your girl has issues. They are not your issues.
Why not go dark and start focusing on you, your emotions and what it will take for you to heal.


SadInNC posted 1/28/2014 19:26 PM

I'm new to this shit, too. I don't understand how to implemenet a 180 when that means that I have to pretend in front of my WH that I am doing great. But, we are still living together and trying to R, so I guess I don't have to do a 180?

If I had to do a 180 with a WS who did not want to R or was still involved in the A, the only way I could do it would be with NC. I would be a total emotional mess and there would be no way to hide that from my WS. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. If you are like me, and you need to do a 180, than think about NC for a while.

Sorry that you have to be here but you are not alone. We care.

barelygettingby posted 1/28/2014 19:29 PM

Thanks everyone. I have been thinking a lot today about 180 and NC. I think I need to give it a shot, at least outside of MC, for a while. I need to figure out what I want, and I cant be honest with myself if Im trying to pretend that everything is fine. So Im not texting or calling tonight. We were supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow, but Im going to cancel. Just taking all this one step at a time.

So very grateful for the thoughts and suggestions.

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