Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
Unfortunately he is really only one person; there is no evil twin in another body. I think I'm just trying to hold onto the love I had for him, and what it meant; really trying to believe what he told me, about having loved me but not being able to live up to the love. It's very confusing. Who is the person you loved when they treat you so badly, really? I'm not able to let the bad destroy the good in how I see him.
Of course I should just stop psychoanalyzing and accept that what does it matter, his actions matter and his actions were all about him and his needs and his warped view of reality and what he deserved. But that's easier said than done. I go around in circles on this, and am glad I'm not alone in doing so...though I hope we can all eventually move on and accept there is no magic answer or secret key that unlocks their behavior.
However I think it is nice to believe in the love you once had. Did she change in your case? Certainly something inside of her did.
I loved the thought of what she said she was, the her that she projected, all the while she led a secret life. After 16 total years, I found out probably 5 affairs. She admits fully to one, plus phone sex after we married with another. I have FB notes on two more, and gut level suspicions about 2 more, which, I now trust my gut which told me for years she was off the reservation. But I chose to believe her lies.
So I do think I married one woman and found out she was not who I thought she was. She's a stranger in my ex wife's body. Like I never really knew the real her.
The wonderful man I thought I married was the false façade he put on over his real self. He was never actually that man.
When my usefulness for him came to an end, he stopped maintaining his fake façade, and I could see the real man underneath. But by then he didn't care, because he was busy creating his new (and completely different) fake façade for OW.
I know who he is now, underneath, for real. And he's no one worth having. Sooner or later, OW will find that out too.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
Two months ago I was happily oblivious and never questioned the future of my M. Today I can barely look at H any more and when I do I feel the most intense hatred. It's scary. I don't know what to do with these feelings.
I don't believe people really change that much, at their core, at least not without a lot of work. Who he really is, deep down, was always there for me to see. I'm seeing more clearly now.