"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Louisville1 posted 1/28/2014 14:24 PM

Post up my story for the first time last week.
Since then we've had ups and downs...for me mostly downs.
It came out, after me quizzing about dates and events, that her first date with this douche happened before we "faux " separated. Really decayed me when I looked through our old text and was able to piece the lies together with what actually happened.
I had convinced her to divulge his identity to me on the promise is not do anything. That was a week ago. Since then I tracked him and learned about him. His work days, residence, vehicle etc. Had a vague idea of what he looked like based on old fb pics on his account.
I happened to need to return merchandise to the store he worked at today and saw his vehicle in the lot. I decided I had to confront him, not to fight but to look him in the eye and let him know who I was and that he should find a new job or transfer and to make damn certain he never uttered a syllable to my wife or even looked at her. I watched him leave work, followed him to where he was going to have lunch.
The moment his door opened I was within a foot and called h by name saying I wanted to talk to him. He was a deer in headlights and quickly put on an act that I had him confused and that wasn't his name. I told him I knew who he was and and asked if he knew who I was. He said no, I said you're certain your not the guy I'm looking for, he said no and I turned and walked to my car. He then got bold and said who are you? I calmly replied if your not xxxxxxx the. It does t matter who I am and drove off.

Within 30 minutes, my wife called me scared and furious with me. It was him and he immediately contacted her threatening to call the cops. She told me she yelled at him, called him a douche and said this all has to stop.

I went home to discuss it with her. Personally, although it was a mistake, I feel better looking that bastard in the eye and seeing his panic. I had no intentions of fighting or doing anything other than being a man talking straight with a wannabe man.

But she is furious with me. Says I broke her trust, when I asked what he said she yelled none of my business. I've been working through this with the intent of reconciliation and may have screwed that chance up. It's only been two weeks since DDay and she knows I'm checking her phone and where abouts. I believe her when she said it was over, but I can't shake the insecurity and paranoia. I asked last week to tolerate this, and she claimed she understood but in the end she's acting victimized and says my hovering makes her feel like a prisoner.
I swore to her id steer clear of her work and him.
Looking long term I want this to be all over, but am not certain our marriage will survive. As I try to plan out an elaborate 21 st anniversary in March.
Seems like I'm bearing all the guilt, suffering and punishment.
Just not fair.

lynnm1947 posted 1/28/2014 14:35 PM

First off, cancel the anniversary party. You will be in no mood to pretend everything is hunky-dory, and at this point, she has done nothing to deserve the gift of reconciliation.

Second, she might need reminding that she broke your trust in a much more devastating way. The NERVE of these people honestly floors me. She needs to get off her high horse and start looking like a remorseful spouse.

Third, stay away from the OM. You don't need trouble with the law on top of your present troubles.

Fourth, good luck, man. It might take more than a few weeks for this woman to come out of the fog.

1owner posted 1/28/2014 14:36 PM

Sorry you're here buddy.

Let her get furious! She had an affair and accuses you of breaking her trust?

She should divulge every word of the conversation they had. You have a right to know.

She's acting victimized? Not a good sign.

180 hard and fast.

Good luck!

StillLivin posted 1/28/2014 14:36 PM

Says I broke her trust, when I asked what he said she yelled none of my business.

She is trying to flip the script. You didn't break her trust, she broke YOUR trust when she slept with another man outside of her M.
It is called blameshifting here on SI.

I've been working through this with the intent of reconciliation and may have screwed that chance up.

The A shit sandwich has the best of us thinking craziness. YOU didn't screw anything up. Again, SHE had the A. You have every right to behave as you did.
If she were R, which it doesn't sound like it, she wouldn't care.
My friend had an A on her H. He went to go kick the other guy's behind. She didn't call him, she called his BS and explained everything. To this day, he has stated over and over again that he is going to get him good when he retires and doesn't need his clearance. How does she feel about it. Complete and true R. She doesn't want him to fight over her, but only because she doesn't want him to get in trouble for her poor choices. She has told me in confidence that the OM deserves it, and she doesn't blame her H, AND she won't warn the OM.
She has owned her mess and she has done the hard work. She has also helped many other WS and BS ever since.
This is NOT how your wife is acting, and this is what you should be expecting. You deserve her loyalty, not the OM. FTG
FTG FTG FTG.
Read up again on 180 and NC.

Seems like I'm bearing all the guilt, suffering and punishment.

It ends when you say it ends. Treat yourself with respect and do not let others treat you less.

Just not fair.

It's absolutely not fair, but she will continue this behavior unless you knock her off the fence.
I'm sorry you are here. I'm sorry ANY of us have reason to be here.
Take a gander over to the WS forum and read what true R looks like and start demanding what you deserve or be prepared to walk. You can NOT make her give you R. Only she can do that, but you CAN control what you will take.
I hope she realizes what she is about to lose before it is too late.

ETA: And for what it's worth, the OM is a punk assed POS cowardly Mother F...er! Uhhhgggg. Disgusting coward.
To quote my Mama, "Does he have a c..t or a dick between his legs, WTF!"

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:40 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

karmahappens posted 1/28/2014 14:41 PM

Says I broke her trust

Oh please....

As I try to plan out an elaborate 21 st anniversary in March.

^^^ why are you doing this??

You need to know none of this is your fault.

She is the guilty party. She needs to get to work if she wants to save the marriage.

I don't know why you are giving her the deck of cards to hold, take them back and pull the 180 on her.

She isn't worthy of a pity party right now, never mind a 21st anniversary bash....

TheClimb posted 1/28/2014 14:53 PM

Louisville:

But she is furious with me. Says I broke her trust

To freakin bad. She slept with this piece of shit while married to you. She wouldn't give you his name the first five times you asked and the only way you got it was promising you wouldn't contact him. Excuse me, you deserved to know his name. She is pissed at you! Tell her to kiss your ass. What about NC with him; she took his damn call.

The audacity of these WW blows my top. On DD#1 you bet I called the nasty little whore. I didn't ask or inform my husband that I was going to do it. Too bad if he had a problem with it.

What a little sissy this guy is; if you have the nerve to sleep with someone who is married, you better have the balls to look me in the eye and answer some damn questions about it.

Please read up on the 180 found in the Healing Library. You can not "nice" waywards back into the marriage. Your wife is still protecting him, until she begins putting your interests first, there can be no reconciliation.

Ambergray posted 1/28/2014 14:54 PM

Broke her trust?? bahahaha!

Tearsoflove posted 1/28/2014 14:56 PM

Says I broke her trust, when I asked what he said she yelled none of my business.

So it's okay for her to meet him alone but you can't? That's rich.

RealityStinks posted 1/28/2014 15:00 PM

I believe her when she said it was over, but I can't shake the insecurity and paranoia. I asked last week to tolerate this, and she claimed she understood but in the end she's acting victimized and says my hovering makes her feel like a prisoner.

I made the same mistake. If it's over, they won't tell you that you're making them feel like a prisoner.

The OM: what a coward.

marionwendy posted 1/28/2014 15:06 PM

Im silently cheering that you confronted him!!!!!!! I would have done the same thing, I wish I could do it!!!! good for you.

Justgreatnews posted 1/28/2014 15:25 PM

Consider the type of "person" (not a man) that will deny his own name.

Smokehouse posted 1/28/2014 15:35 PM

Excellent advice from stilllivin. I actually let my WW bully me for about two months till I located my balls again. I texted the OM with telling him if there is contact there will be punishment. WW was furious, protecting the OM. Then I finally contacted the OM's BS. Again, furious.

Said she was done. Okay, you cheated, I'm fine with that. That's when it turned. Pulled her head out of her ass.

This is your life! You put the man on notice and his pussy ass called your WW for protection. My WW's OM did the same thing on DDay #1. Send him a skirt in the mail anonymously.

You did nothing wrong, NOTHING. You love your WW, that is not wrong!

My point is I did a ton of things I thought would derail R. You WW needs to become remorseful before you can even begin that process. Go slow, do what is best after really thinking about it. It is a painful process. We are about six months out and just now starting to have a string of good days. When you get to that point, you realize you and your WW have been doing the work. Be gentle with yourself and I wish you the best.

StillLivin posted 1/28/2014 15:55 PM

Send him a skirt in the mail anonymously

Pfffff, I'd send his B ass a box of freaking tampons and BC pills.
Dickhead coward. What a B move calling his mistress.
Him: Oh, Mrs. Louisville1, I'm soooooo scared of your manly man H. He was gonna HURT me!
Her: What? Hells no. I will protect your punk ass.

steadfast1973 posted 1/28/2014 16:17 PM

I texted the prostitute. My wh did not get angry.

Brandon808 posted 1/28/2014 16:23 PM

@Louisville1,
As other members have already pointed out it was your WW who broke the trust.

The other thing that concerns me is that OM immediately calls her and she in turn calls you. Except she didn't call to see how you were doing. She called to be confrontational. Quite frankly her insistence that you not confront him was done for her self-protection rather than your benefit.

And pardon me but it is every bit your f*cking business what was said between them. You're nicer than I would have been because she or I would have been out of the house for suggesting that one damn thing between her and OM wasn't my business.

Smokehouse posted 1/28/2014 16:44 PM

I'll give you a recent example of an exchange between WW and I. I noticed data usage on my WW's phone only on work days between work hours. I was highly suspicious. I tried for two weeks to figure it out with the exception of a keyloggeer, so I just asked, confronted a little I would say.

The answer, incoming emails, from a shitload of retail stores. Quite the shopper she is. She didn't get mad, we figured it out together, emails lined up with times data was being used perfectly=remorseful spouse doing the work!

It will take time, and time will tell if she will get there. Hang in there, you don't need to make a decision right away. If I had due to my pain early on I would be divorced or on my way.

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 4:44 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

JustWow posted 1/28/2014 16:46 PM

They are still talking, there is not NC, she should have his number blocked and not take his calls.

She is concerned with protecting OM and herself, she is still mentally in the A.

She is not remorseful, she is not transparent (won't discuss the conversation with OM as it is none of your business - REALLY???!!).

Read up on the 180, sir, she needs a cranial rectal extraction and seems uninterested in getting one. Detach, take care of you. She's still toxic.

Sorry....

Gipper posted 1/28/2014 17:09 PM

Louisville1,
You got a big problem with WW.
Strength, Brother.

Ellejay posted 1/28/2014 17:35 PM

It absolutely amazes me the level of indignation the WS's show when the BS treads on what they feel is their domain. If she had kept her knickers on you would have no need to be hunting down OM in the first place

As much as you would like to see OM running scared, I would stay away if you can. Don't give the low-life coward any excuse to add more drama to your life than your WW has already created. The APs just secretly love all the attention. Remember they are pathetic.

EJ

NoMorDeceit posted 1/28/2014 17:50 PM

she's acting victimized and says my hovering makes her feel like a prisoner.

She is still in the affair or wants to be. Period. Amen. Why else would she care about you looking at her stuff or knowing where she is? My husband can look at anything of mine and he always knows where I am or where I am going and I can do the same with him. The only people who feel like "prisoners" are people with something to hide and who are having trouble doing so.

Mad at you? You broke her trust?

She might need the hefty bag treatment to help clear her head.

"None of your business"...No way. You are her husband!

How did he call her? She needs to change her number. Immediately. Do you pay the bill? I'd change it for her, tonight.

180 hard.

You need to rip the rug out from under the little princess..."You broke my trust"...