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Checking up on AP - does your spouse know?

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Ambergray posted 1/28/2014 15:03 PM

For those that check up on AP through facebook or other media, does you spouse know you do? Mine does not. I started checking on OW because I am so anxious about seeing her somewhere around town, and she is a "check in" queen, so I look to see where she will be so I will not be there. However, she posts way more than just check-ins, and I've seen recently that she has a new guy. I don't think this one is married. Didn't think single men were her her type. I've also seen other cringe worthy posts about how great she is doing, blah, blah, blah. Makes me sick.

Anyway, sometimes I feel guilty about having this secret from FWH because we are in R, so it feels I shouldn't have secrets, However, I don't want to give him any thoughts of her by bringing her up at all.

How do you all handle this?

Morhurt posted 1/28/2014 15:25 PM

I don't check up on them much but when I do I usually tell him. Mostly because I tend to get quite anxious and upset.

Dallas2 posted 1/28/2014 15:28 PM

I think I would have to tell or at least it open so he could "find out".

Secrets of any type related to an A is harmful to both the BS and the WS IMHO. I think with time you will probably be able to stop checking on her.

My MC said that by my looking her up I was the one keeping her in my M. I don't know if I agree with MC but I know when I stopped looking she bacame(AP)where she belonges-in the past.

karmahappens posted 1/28/2014 15:29 PM

IMO after an affair if there is something you do to make you feel safe you feel you need to tell him? Completely up to you.

I told my H once right after dday, he actually said "why would you need to stalk her, she is nothing to you"

Fucking moron, at the time he hadn't had the surgery to remove his head from his ass yet.

excuse the language....

AML04 posted 1/28/2014 15:45 PM

My WH knows I do. I try not to share details unless something she posts really upsets me.

The only reason I feel like I need to do this is because they still work together. Amazingly I feel safe with him (and by safe I mean I don't think there is any danger of him resuming the A with her) but I always worry about her. I think I'm kind of waiting for her to do something that will allow me to confront her. Probably not the healthiest reason but I'm not ready to stop.

Edited for clarification

[This message edited by AML04 at 3:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

wert posted 1/28/2014 15:47 PM

For me this is a timing thing. Right after discovery when I truly did not give a rip, I owned my W nothing.

Once I decided to R and really give it a shot...I think no secrets.

take care...

ziganska posted 1/28/2014 15:57 PM

The OW deleted her FB account as soon as she found out I knew BUT her job has a site and they keep posting pictures of her. My H knows I do this but he doesn't realize how often I do it (like every day). I do it to feel safe and to make sure she's still at that job (which is in another town). The day I see pictures of her farewell party will make me very nervous because she may come back to our town...then again, if I see pictures of her getting married or being hauled off to prison, then I'll be very, very happy. I'm sure it will wear away eventually but right now, I need to know her whereabouts. I think that if you tell your H that you do it simply to feel reassured, he would understand.

Katz13 posted 1/28/2014 15:59 PM

Don't beat up yourself about checking. As time goes by, do it less often. I check but the ow has no life besides being a &$*+= so there is not much to see. Remember what people put on Facebook can be a farce. Hey I put how great my life was for the past year on it, little did I know.....I think with time the ow becomes less interesting. Good luck!

[This message edited by Katz13 at 2:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

bionicgal posted 1/28/2014 17:34 PM

Good question -
I feel guilty doing it when I do check FB, and I do let H know - even though it is really embarrassing.

I don't think it keeps her in his mind. . . he is well "over it." It is more like gossip at this point. But should I do it? No. For some reason, it makes me feel safer sometimes, though. And this thread is triggering me hard to go do it!

Kyrie posted 1/28/2014 18:42 PM

This is a big issue for me. I've been worried that I'm obsessing way too much. And of course, my fWH doesn't know how often I check.

But I recently read somewhere the dangers of the BS having an affair with the affair. That really got to me! The last thing I want is to mimic my husband's behavior of hiding an activity that I know takes time and energy away from our M. Now when I feel the urge to check up on her, I think of that phrase: having an affair with the affair.


mchercheur posted 1/28/2014 19:57 PM

sometimes I feel guilty about having this secret from FWH because we are in R

Once I decided to R and really give it a shot...I think no secrets

OK, here is something that is not clear in my mind yet. I would welcome any explanation.

R is going a little bit better for us now , but, I still think about WH's A every day. (It did not help our R that he still works in the same building as OW, & that it took him 2 1/2 years to take his head out of the sand.
I don't verbalize that I still think about it every day to him tho.
I recently read a thread on here that said you can not keep swinging the affair hammer---you can't keep bringing it up, because that will hinder R. I have been trying not to bring it up that often.
It's been weeks and weeks since I have brought it up.
But it is still in my mind every day ( not all day, like at first, but I definitely think about it every day when he leaves for work, or when I realize it is WH's lunchtime [I caught them going out for lunch together]so now every day the thought comes into my mind "who is he having lunch with today?", or every time I pass OW's road, etc.)

So, if I am not supposed to have any secrets, do I keep that to myself or tell him?

chipmunk41 posted 1/28/2014 20:15 PM

I do check on OW a lot. My H knows. The only thing he ever said was "why do you check?" That's a good question, really... I don't accomplish anything it just causes more anxiety and hurt.

" Having an affair with the affair"... this rings so true

industriousbee posted 1/28/2014 22:50 PM

I am guilty of looking up OW very often. I know it can't be healthy but I am compulsed to do it from time to time. I would hate to hear if she was doing well though. I have not told WH each time I do this but occasionally I bring it up.

Lovedyoumore posted 1/28/2014 23:06 PM

I do check up on her. Yes, he knows. I keep tabs to make sure she stays on her side of the line, so to speak. She was a stalker type after DDay and I found covert ways to see what was going on with her. My H was not upset at me for looking. He is upset at himself for bringing crazy into our lives.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

musiclovingmom posted 1/28/2014 23:26 PM

I do check up on her. Yes, he knows. I keep tabs to make sure she stays on her side of the line, so to speak. She was a stalker type after DDay and I found covert ways to see what was going on with her. My H was not upset at me for looking. He is upset at himself for bringing crazy into our lives.

This, for me too. Almost verbatim. He knows I do it, but it really isn't a conversation topic unless something upsets me or some major change has happened (ie - she moved to a different neighborhood, got a job at a different restaurant, got married, etc). We all grew up together and so even if I didn't intentionally find out these things, I'd hear about them. Just too many people in common. Plus, she's crazy and has threatened us in the past - so I like to be able to predict when she's going to try to wriggle back into our life.

Loadsofchocolate posted 1/29/2014 02:32 AM

I frequently check up on AP but my WH doesn't know how much I do it. In the six months since I uncovered the affair it has gone underground at least 4 times (might be more...I lose count). It's through checking up on her internet activity and reading between the lines, and also watching WH's behavior that has allowed me to uncover the affair on each occasion. It's only been a month since the last dday so I'm watching them both like a hawk...especially as she recently commented that she wants WH to dump me and marry her

OnAnIsland posted 1/29/2014 02:54 AM

I haven't checked up in a long time. I don't tell him if I do. I blocked her from us on FB for our privacy and safety and my sanity. But if I check on her otherwise, I don't tell him.

jo2love posted 1/29/2014 08:58 AM

Katz13 -

Please remember to follow the guidelines. There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Thank you.

Frankie80 posted 1/29/2014 16:41 PM

I check daily and hate that I'm still giving her any of my headspace. She deleted her FB after Dday, but her professional profile is out there. As she was a co worker I constantly asking my H if anyone has mentioned her or seen her/been in touch with her but she seems to have dropped off the planet. It drives me crazy to think of her out there carrying on with her life (her SO doesn't know-god knows what she told him about why she had to leave her job!) and I'm sure she doesn't think about me at all.
I don't tell my H how often I google her name or check her Instagram (which she doesn't use) but he does know I think about her a lot.

Frankie80 posted 1/29/2014 16:44 PM

Kyrie, I read that somewhere too. Another one that stick in my mind is that both you and your WS need to be NC and by checking up on the AP you aren't NC. Struck a chord with me .

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