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Newest Member: ChaosRider (45729)

User Topic: Checking up on AP - does your spouse know?
Ambergray
♀ 40778
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that check up on AP through facebook or other media, does you spouse know you do? Mine does not. I started checking on OW because I am so anxious about seeing her somewhere around town, and she is a "check in" queen, so I look to see where she will be so I will not be there. However, she posts way more than just check-ins, and I've seen recently that she has a new guy. I don't think this one is married. Didn't think single men were her her type. I've also seen other cringe worthy posts about how great she is doing, blah, blah, blah. Makes me sick.

Anyway, sometimes I feel guilty about having this secret from FWH because we are in R, so it feels I shouldn't have secrets, However, I don't want to give him any thoughts of her by bringing her up at all.

How do you all handle this?


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 97 | Registered: Sep 2013
Morhurt
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't check up on them much but when I do I usually tell him. Mostly because I tend to get quite anxious and upset.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Dallas2
♀ 28362
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would have to tell or at least it open so he could "find out".

Secrets of any type related to an A is harmful to both the BS and the WS IMHO. I think with time you will probably be able to stop checking on her.

My MC said that by my looking her up I was the one keeping her in my M. I don't know if I agree with MC but I know when I stopped looking she bacame(AP)where she belonges-in the past.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO after an affair if there is something you do to make you feel safe you feel free....do you need to tell him? Completely up to you.

I told my H once right after dday, he actually said "why would you need to stalk her, she is nothing to you"

Fucking moron, at the time he hadn't had the surgery to remove his head from his ass yet.

excuse the language....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH knows I do. I try not to share details unless something she posts really upsets me.

The only reason I feel like I need to do this is because they still work together. Amazingly I feel safe with him (and by safe I mean I don't think there is any danger of him resuming the A with her) but I always worry about her. I think I'm kind of waiting for her to do something that will allow me to confront her. Probably not the healthiest reason but I'm not ready to stop.

Edited for clarification

[This message edited by AML04 at 3:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
wert
♂ 34478
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me this is a timing thing. Right after discovery when I truly did not give a rip, I owned my W nothing.

Once I decided to R and really give it a shot...I think no secrets.

take care...



Posts: 1441 | Registered: Jan 2012
ziganska
♀ 41690
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW deleted her FB account as soon as she found out I knew BUT her job has a site and they keep posting pictures of her. My H knows I do this but he doesn't realize how often I do it (like every day). I do it to feel safe and to make sure she's still at that job (which is in another town). The day I see pictures of her farewell party will make me very nervous because she may come back to our town...then again, if I see pictures of her getting married or being hauled off to prison, then I'll be very, very happy. I'm sure it will wear away eventually but right now, I need to know her whereabouts. I think that if you tell your H that you do it simply to feel reassured, he would understand.


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
Katz13
♀ 41886
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat up yourself about checking. As time goes by, do it less often. I check but the ow has no life besides being a &$*+= so there is not much to see. Remember what people put on Facebook can be a farce. Hey I put how great my life was for the past year on it, little did I know.....I think with time the ow becomes less interesting. Good luck!

[This message edited by Katz13 at 2:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question -
I feel guilty doing it when I do check FB, and I do let H know - even though it is really embarrassing.

I don't think it keeps her in his mind. . . he is well "over it." It is more like gossip at this point. But should I do it? No. For some reason, it makes me feel safer sometimes, though. And this thread is triggering me hard to go do it!


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Kyrie
♀ 41825
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a big issue for me. I've been worried that I'm obsessing way too much. And of course, my fWH doesn't know how often I check.

But I recently read somewhere the dangers of the BS having an affair with the affair. That really got to me! The last thing I want is to mimic my husband's behavior of hiding an activity that I know takes time and energy away from our M. Now when I feel the urge to check up on her, I think of that phrase: having an affair with the affair.

Yikes!


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 230 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sometimes I feel guilty about having this secret from FWH because we are in R

Once I decided to R and really give it a shot...I think no secrets

OK, here is something that is not clear in my mind yet. I would welcome any explanation.

R is going a little bit better for us now , but, I still think about WH's A every day. (It did not help our R that he still works in the same building as OW, & that it took him 2 1/2 years to take his head out of the sand.
I don't verbalize that I still think about it every day to him tho.
I recently read a thread on here that said you can not keep swinging the affair hammer---you can't keep bringing it up, because that will hinder R. I have been trying not to bring it up that often.
It's been weeks and weeks since I have brought it up.
But it is still in my mind every day ( not all day, like at first, but I definitely think about it every day when he leaves for work, or when I realize it is WH's lunchtime [I caught them going out for lunch together]so now every day the thought comes into my mind "who is he having lunch with today?", or every time I pass OW's road, etc.)

So, if I am not supposed to have any secrets, do I keep that to myself or tell him?


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1452 | Registered: Dec 2012
chipmunk41
♀ 40694
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do check on OW a lot. My H knows. The only thing he ever said was "why do you check?" That's a good question, really... I don't accomplish anything it just causes more anxiety and hurt.

" Having an affair with the affair"... this rings so true


wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 48 | Registered: Sep 2013
industriousbee
♀ 41324
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am guilty of looking up OW very often. I know it can't be healthy but I am compulsed to do it from time to time. I would hate to hear if she was doing well though. I have not told WH each time I do this but occasionally I bring it up.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do check up on her. Yes, he knows. I keep tabs to make sure she stays on her side of the line, so to speak. She was a stalker type after DDay and I found covert ways to see what was going on with her. My H was not upset at me for looking. He is upset at himself for bringing crazy into our lives.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do check up on her. Yes, he knows. I keep tabs to make sure she stays on her side of the line, so to speak. She was a stalker type after DDay and I found covert ways to see what was going on with her. My H was not upset at me for looking. He is upset at himself for bringing crazy into our lives.

This, for me too. Almost verbatim. He knows I do it, but it really isn't a conversation topic unless something upsets me or some major change has happened (ie - she moved to a different neighborhood, got a job at a different restaurant, got married, etc). We all grew up together and so even if I didn't intentionally find out these things, I'd hear about them. Just too many people in common. Plus, she's crazy and has threatened us in the past - so I like to be able to predict when she's going to try to wriggle back into our life.


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Jan 2013
Loadsofchocolate
♀ 40708
Member # 40708
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I frequently check up on AP but my WH doesn't know how much I do it. In the six months since I uncovered the affair it has gone underground at least 4 times (might be more...I lose count). It's through checking up on her internet activity and reading between the lines, and also watching WH's behavior that has allowed me to uncover the affair on each occasion. It's only been a month since the last dday so I'm watching them both like a hawk...especially as she recently commented that she wants WH to dump me and marry her


Dday1 - June 2013 admits EA
Dday2 - June 2013 broken NC minutes after agreeing to reconciliation - only found out 3 weeks later
Dday3 - July 2013 broken NC
Dday4 - September 2013 broken NC
Dday5 - November 2014 broken NC admits PA

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't checked up in a long time. I don't tell him if I do. I blocked her from us on FB for our privacy and safety and my sanity. But if I check on her otherwise, I don't tell him.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katz13 -

Please remember to follow the guidelines. There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Thank you.


Posts: 36451 | Registered: Mar 2011
Frankie80
♀ 41323
Member # 41323
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I check daily and hate that I'm still giving her any of my headspace. She deleted her FB after Dday, but her professional profile is out there. As she was a co worker I constantly asking my H if anyone has mentioned her or seen her/been in touch with her but she seems to have dropped off the planet. It drives me crazy to think of her out there carrying on with her life (her SO doesn't know-god knows what she told him about why she had to leave her job!) and I'm sure she doesn't think about me at all.
I don't tell my H how often I google her name or check her Instagram (which she doesn't use) but he does know I think about her a lot.


Me BW
Him WH
Married 5yrs, together 8
DS & DD
DDay 1 18.07.13, 7month PA co-worker
DDay 2 29.09.2013 (continued EA, kissed once)
Working on R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: UK
Frankie80
♀ 41323
Member # 41323
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kyrie, I read that somewhere too. Another one that stick in my mind is that both you and your WS need to be NC and by checking up on the AP you aren't NC. Struck a chord with me .


Me BW
Him WH
Married 5yrs, together 8
DS & DD
DDay 1 18.07.13, 7month PA co-worker
DDay 2 29.09.2013 (continued EA, kissed once)
Working on R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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