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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: Mistake or Choice?
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ 40531
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like it's very easy for us betrayed spouses, a choice is ownership, a mistake is an excuse. Mistake is when you lock your keys in the car, drop the dinner plate, spill milk. Accidently tear your shirt, or hit the neighbor kid with a football when you're trying to throw it to your own kid. Those are mistakes. Choices are, buying a car, then not liking it. Not a mistake, a choice. Should have shopped better. Buying a house, then finding out the mortgage is too high. Guess peanut butter and jelly are your best option there, huh? Mistake? No. Your fault you didn't do the math.

Yet I hear a lot of people call cheating a mistake. I want some clarity on this. I've had 15 months to heal, and when I hear mistake, I see all the other things that make me scratch my head.

Would you rather hear:

"Tom made a mistake. He's depressed. His marriage didn't give him what he needed."

Or:

"Tom made a choice. He's addressing his issues. He knows that marriages can always be better, but he owns cheating 100%"

When I hear waywards say something similar to the 2nd, I hear ownership. When I hear the 1st, I hear more excuses.

What's your thoughts on this?


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this might be a long thread!
Yep, it's a choice, for the reasons you explained.
Even if the WS was pursued, still a choice to engage.

I bet in many marriage both spouses werent getting what they needed yet the BS didn't cheat.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5768 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes my ex once said he made a mistake.

His bad choices that lasted for well over a year were not just one mistake.

Just like he said he never meant the A to happen.

Blah blah blah fucking blah....


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A mistake is dropping your coffee mug. You didn't mean to do that.
Affairs are a CHOICE. Every single time you tell the BS that you're "working late", or skip little Timmy's game to go screw OW, you made a CHOICE, not a mistake.
You MEANT to lie, mislead, and deceive - ie you made a choice.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:13 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6737 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Raven96
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, my WH only made a "mistake." If I hear that one more time I think I might punch him in the throat. It was a $&!@$!& choice!!!!!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
marionwendy
♀ 41303
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TOTAL CHOICE!!!! new exactly WTF he was doing or he would not of deleted all his texts! ASSH***!
I told him a mistake is getting a word wrong on a spelling bee! I hate hearing that word to and wish I could karate chop him to the throat like she does on identity theif!!!!!!! Would love to do that!(I wont but would love to.)


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
flup
♂ 21259
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW only said it was a mistake to me once... I turned so beet red and tried not to go into orbit. Sufficed to say, she hasn't made the 'mistake' of calling it a mistake ever again - around me, that is.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
4everfaithful83
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see what you're saying. The dictionary definition is:

mis·take
məˈstāk/
noun
noun: mistake; plural noun: mistakes
1.
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

I think the term "mistake" still applies. No?


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the term "mistake" still applies. No?

Not in my house.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choice, over and over.

Posts: 701 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until it can be scientifically proven that my WXH's penis "accidently" fell into his AP's vaginas (and other orifices), he made CHOICES.

ETA: It's somewhat funny. He called his A's mistakes for years until I sent him a letter last year defining the difference between mistakes and choices (among other things I need to get off my chest).

He now gets that he made choices, albeit WAY too late.


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 3:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21117 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it's a mistaken choice?

But yeah, the refusing to own the intentional wrongness of it was infuriating. I loved how my exWBF would suddenly start bringing up random old stuff as a distraction from his terrible choices--afterall, remember when I dismissed that short story that meant a lot to him? And why did I save all the new yorker magazines? And why did I keep bacon grease in the fridge? Why did I buy expensive sheets when he asked me to run a sheet-buying errand for him? ANYTHING to change the subject to how I was the one whose behavior merited discussion.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, what you mentioned are accidents. Mistakes are wrong choices. Maybe it's just me.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
4better4worse
♀ 41736
Member # 41736
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say it is a CHOICE that is a big MISTAKE! That's the mistake is that they chose to make it. Is that circular logic? Really, nothing about cheating makes any sense!


BS- Me
Married 22 years
DDay-- 11/11/13
Working toward R
Still working on R

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2013
4everfaithful83
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An "accident" and a "mistake" are not the same thing...

As I said before, the definition of a mistake is "an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong."

Wouldn't an A be an action that is wrong??

no where in the definition does it state that it is unintentional or without malice. Unlike the definition for Accident:

"an event that happens by chance or that is without apparent or deliberate cause. "

Which obviously this couldn't apply to an A. Anyone who said that it was an accident is just stupid.

A mistake is still a choice.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, with choice there is will behind it. In my case, my WXH made willful choices to get on planes and screw other women. These weren't mistakes.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21117 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
nick1234
♂ 41946
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

absolutely choice!! yeah I got for my waywardour marriage was in a bad place before the affair.I also got the I made the biggest mistake of my life.truth is our marriage was in a bad place but she made the choice to seek another man instead of dealing with our marriage in our problems. That is most definitel choice and not a mistake. she chose to tell all her problems and how unhappy she was to a man that she already knew with attracted to her, she chose to send this man naked pictures of her when he asked, she chose to set up times and places to have sex with this man. These are choices not mistakes.she chose to disrespect me and our family in our life together for this man that told her from the start he was married and only wanted sex from her thats a choice.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
Jovie
♀ 41956
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand the anger/confusion around the choice of words, but I think sometimes the intention in those kinds of statements is that the choice was the mistake.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jan 2014
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The dictionary explanation of mistake and mistakes are still different to making a choice and choices.

If a person makes a mistake they usually learn from it and don't make that mistake again by making them mistakes. Often by making a mistake one feels bad about doing so.

If my ex made a mistake at first by engaging with OW then he would have learned from it.

He chose to keep making the same mistake over and over again.

That to me is not a mistake, or mistakes, but, a set of choices that made him feel good.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mis·take
məˈstāk/
noun
noun: mistake; plural noun: mistakes
1.
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Choice is defined as
choice noun \ˈchȯis\

: the act of choosing : the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities

: the opportunity or power to choose between two or more possibilities : the opportunity or power to make a decision

: a range of things that can be chosen


Therefore you choose to make a mistake when you are unfaithful. Like someone else said, a mistake is not the same as an accident. A mistake is a CHOICE, it just happens to be the wrong choice.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 43
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