Topic: It's not just her.
Member # 42231
| Posted: 3:26 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014|
While I'm dropping multiple posts here, I'll drop this one too. Thanks to my WW and our separation, I feel myself just torn up at the very high possibility that 11 years of life, love and memories are ripped apart. A big part of that is the many folks on her side of the family that I'll probably never see again with whom I had good relationships with. It'd hurt more to stay in contact I would presume. She has a very big family, so I'm losing 3 sisters-in-law, 2 nephews, 2 nieces, a couple of brothers-in-law who hung out a lot, etc.
You know what, I don't know if I have a question here. This just royally, royally sucks.
As life gets longer, awful feels softer and it feels pretty soft to me. If it takes shit to make bliss then I feel pretty blissfully. If life's not beautiful without the pain, then I'd rather never see beauty again.
Posts: 2410 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 40306
| Posted: 3:28 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014|
Don't assume yet that the extended family will cut you off or how you will feel about them. Just let the dust settle for awhile. You know?
Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka Cockwomble (Thank You IgglePiggle!) formerly known as CAT (Colossal Asshat); Married 22 years
D-day: July 2013; D filed July 2014, 1 yr. later than I should have
Posts: 3994 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 42092
| Posted: 3:33 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014|
No answer, just wanted to say: you're right. It does royally, royally suck. However you may eventually be able to keep at least a light relationship with some of these people. If you don't have that opportunity or it would only make healing more protracted, say a proper goodbye to them when the time is right--you will be surprised how much this helps (it did for me I think, felt like getting closure). Just because those relationships may change or end doesn't mean you can't do them justice and respect when leaving them behind.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 35812
| Posted: 5:00 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014|
Yes, that realization was a big eye opener for my FWH. When I separated from him, I told him that as much as I resented his lies and selfishness, I hated him for the fact that he was taking 1/2 of my family away from me. People who I had decades long relationships. Children that I had watched grow up. And that I would have to go tell my elderly parents and Grandmother that the man they loved as a son had betrayed not only me, but them. That he had spat on the love that they showed him throughout the years.
That was a very sobering moment for him. I hope that this gets through to your WW.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 42104
| Posted: 8:46 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014|
So sorry you are here. I can empathize with you man. My WW did the same thing, and I feel remorse every time I see her family. I love her family members so much, just like my own.
Keep solace in the fact that they know you did the honorable thing in separating.
Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 41033
| Posted: 12:01 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014|
It does suck. And it hurts. But try not to project into the future too much. Even after divorce I remained very close to my mother-in-law. I remained in touch with the rest of the family for quite a few years. So you don't really know how that will go until it plays out.
To be honest, after a while I slowly made contact less and less. Without the connection to my ex we had less and less to talk about. It was just a natural drifting apart.
Posts: 640 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 20940
| Posted: 4:03 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
The very first thought I had when I figured out what WH was cheating was that I had just lost half of my family. Not that I might divorce, or that I would be alone...none of that....just pissed off that half my family was gone.
WH comes from a large family....MIL and FIL are gone now. I always made the effort to stay in touch since we live so far away not WH. I no longer make that effort...I leave it up to WH. Everyone knows something is wrong and meetings are strained if I am there. However, I have known WH and family most of my life so we muddle through and I don't feel bad about any of it.
I would still do anything I could for any of my in-laws, but WH's choices have freed me up to put my family first and I am doing so for the first time ever. Perhaps this is true for you, too?
I think I would assume blood supports blood, especially in the early days. The passage of time may enable you to maintain some contact with her family members and perhaps some relationship. I hope so if this is what you want.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
Posts: 393 | Registered: Sep 2008
Member # 40392
| Posted: 9:26 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
Hang in there brother. My in laws are very supportive and so is the rest of my ww's family. They shockingly told me that they supported whatever decision I made. They are like my own. People that are worth their salt won't just throw you out. Hang tough man maybe R could possibly be in your future you just can't see it yet.
Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”
Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 41961
| Posted: 11:15 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
I agree. My side of the family is a whopping 10 people. I am close to only my brother and mother. His family reunion tops 200 people a year. I have done in home care for his grandma. Had his mom live with us while she transitioned homes, and cared for her when she sprained an ankle. I still cart
Mom to the grocery store with me and pick her up whenever we are going to events. The rest of the family aren't that close to is, but they all like me and say I'm the best thug to happen to him. Mom says "good thing he doesn't change wives as much as he changes cars, you are a great dil." (Little did she know he changed partners more than cars and his underwear almost).
So I will probably lose most of my support in our home area bc my family lives 4 hr away. They won't believe what he has done and will blame me,... That is what happened to wife 1
BS: Me 45 WH: 52 Kids: 14, 16, 18, 29 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for
Posts: 422 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 39362
| Posted: 12:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014|
I was very close to my Ex's family. He had no relationship with them when I met him and I forced (for lack of a better word) him to rebuild those relationships because my family is very important to me.
After dday, I reached out to MIL. She never responded because he had asked them not to contact me. Essentially I lost his whole family after 11 years.
The only person who reached out was his grandmother, and she passed over the summer. She told me once I was family, I would always be family to her.
It was heartbreaking, but it doesn't always have go that way. I've seen people reunite with the Ex's family after some time has passed.
There is always a rainbow after every storm.
Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
|Topic Posts: 10|