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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: I kind of hate going to MC
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure why but I get anxiety. He's harder on hubby than me.
We go tonight.
Last night I told hubby the only punishment I can give him is to divorce him. He asked why I wanted to punish him. And hadn't we both suffered enough?
I said what are your consequences? He answered guilt, our relationship, etc... When he says he wants to move forward and put it in the past I want to smack him.

Hopefullromantic wrote a great reply to someone last week about just accepting that her husband couldn't look at what he did because it was just too painful and she accepted that what he is doing is all he can do.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything causes me some anxiety.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
WarpSpeed
♂ 32051
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not certain what place punishment has in reconciliation. I think I've seen that theme in posts of yours previously.

Your three years on this site and four years since your infidelity and two years since his infidelity. Perhaps some discussion in IC about your need to exact punishment can help you with your R.


best luck


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1518 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Punishment does not belong in reconciliation.
I feel I was punished for what I did though...

I'll bring it up in MC. He'll talk about forgiveness.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
turtle72
♀ 21773
Member # 21773
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you might want to reframe that as "consequence" instead of "punishment."

I am sorry I don't know your story better, but how do you think you were punished for what you did? Are you feeling like his reaction to what you did was much harsher than yours to his, so therefore you feel punished?


Me: 41 BS/WW/BS
2 kids 9 & 11, 3 steps 20, 8 and 3
BS 1st DDay 10/14/08, 5 mo. PA w/ MOW
WW 2nd D-Day 3/22/10, my exit A with HS BF
Separated 4/19/10
Married H #2 10/8/11
BS latest Dday 12/28/13 - PA w/ single COW

Posts: 2207 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are right. Divorce isn't punishment it would be a consequence. Nor do I feel that we need to be even. But I do feel that I was punished what he did was an equal yet opposite reaction to what I did. But it didn't make us even. It just doubled the crap


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
hurtingfool
♂ 42196
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems to me that divorce would be more a punishment to the BS. Just adding on to all the damage that was already done. I'm thinking more along the lines of a good paddling for the deceit. Whatever comes after is choices we make while figuring the relationship out and where we want to go with it.


Me: BS 31
Her: WS 29
10 years of marriage
12 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nor do I feel that we need to be even.
I disagree. You DO feel you two should be even. It's the underlying theme in your more recent posts. You resent him. You feel the need to punish him. You want him to feel what you are feeling.
But I do feel that I was punished what he did was an equal yet opposite reaction to what I did.
You probably were and it sucks but that's your reality.
hadn't we both suffered enough?
Haven't you?

Can you even see your husband for who he is today? Is that even possible for you? I just can't shake the feeling that both your A and his subsequent A's were deal breakers for you both yet neither of you have the courage to actually admit it to yourselves and to each other.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6023 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ouch MissesJai..

You want him to feel what you are feeling.

pretty sure he knows that feeling...

I can see that he's a pretty good guy today. So, forgive and forget?

I resent the hell out of him for what he did. Could be a dealbreaker, not sure.

other than me bringing up triggers, he's not really being punished, nor do I have a right to do that.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ouch MissesJai..
everything I post is from a caring place, rachel. If I'm wrong, I'll gladly own that. I don't believe I am.
pretty sure he knows that feeling...
He can't feel exactly what you feel, just like you can't possibly feel what he feels. To each their own.
I can see that he's a pretty good guy today. So, forgive and forget?
Absolutely not. Forgive, yes. Forget, no.
I resent the hell out of him for what he did. Could be a dealbreaker, not sure.
Of course you do, and that's understandable. My point of contention is this - you cannot successfully R with the amount of resentment you carry towards him. You just can't. You can co-exist, even co-parent, but you will not improve your marriage. All the MC in the world won't mean a thing if you refuse to let go of your resentment towards him. That does not mean forget. That means acceptance so you can move forward with YOUR life - with or without him.



FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6023 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks MissesJai.

he does understand what its like to be a BS though.

our entire MC session was focused on our anger and how we both need to deal with it. Mine I wear on my face and show through actions, his is masked, according to MC.
So, we have lots of handouts, and stuff to work on in IC.

Then we got home and he talked about his affairs and the self betrayal and how he went against his values and that helped me a lot. He's never said much like that before.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 11

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