This Topic is Archived
HeartInADustpan (original poster member #38341) posted at 10:30 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014
So, as some of you may know, I've been stuck in a cyclic behavior pattern for many months now. So stuck that I've gotten where I can almost predict how I'm going to be/feel from day to day.
Well, Friday or Saturday should have started a downhill turn. I was as ready for it as I could be. Saturday came and went. OK, so Monday is going to be crap, great. Monday came. It was a harder day, but I managed without the crippling need to just lay (my usual MO when I'm down). I did a couple things, small things, but things I would not have been able to accomplish. I went to bed last night with an almost palpable fear of what today was going to be like.
Today, woke up, had coffee and just felt weird. Not downhill weird either. After examining or feeling what this "weird" was, best I came up with was hope. Then, I became scared. Petrified. Full on fight or flight and I wanted to flight as fast as I could. I had a full blown panic attack. My world as I have known it changed a little and it SCARED THE PISS out of me. I had to take a pill it was so bad and I'm about as far from a pill taker as one can get.
Now why on earth would I even dare describe a panic attack as good? I had them daily in the beginning all the time to the point feared were I'd be when the next one would hit. Not uncommon for them to hit me in rush hour traffic. Not safe or good in the least. Well, I haven't had one in months. In fact, I can't even remember when I had the last one. Panic attacks are not part of my cycle. I guess I grew to feel safe knowing what to expect from my cycles even if it wasn't what I wanted. I KNOW I want something different and I've gotten it the last couple days.
I guess I'm just trying to say I'm happy right now in a very anxiety driven kind of way...if that makes sense.
Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain
Raven96 ( member #40298) posted at 11:16 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014
It makes sense, and I'm glad you're in a good place right now. (((Heart)))
[This message edited by Raven96 at 5:16 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]
Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:42 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014
Well, you said you wanted to change how you're living. That could raise your anxiety level some. I'm glad you're not letting it stop you.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
HeartInADustpan (original poster member #38341) posted at 11:52 PM on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014
Thanks Raven 
Your post made me laugh, sisoon. You are absolutely right. I did want change and seems I'm getting it. 
Maybe I'm regressing to get progressing. I don't know. Just thought the whole thing was really strange and VERY scary.
Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 2:26 AM on Wednesday, January 29th, 2014
Change is scary. Even if it's good change. So feel the anxiety but also, feel the good change. (((hugs)))
I have a mental image that I used that helped me with panic attacks when I could rally enough to remember it. I saw my panic as a huge eagle swooping down on me, and myself as a mouse. A mouse standing on it's back paws with my right front paw up and a teeny, tiny, little furry finger flipping the anxiety eagle off.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
This Topic is Archived
