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Newest Member: Pollybr (61080)

User Topic: regret at 35
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone go through this...

facebook really gets you sometimes, I found an old highschool friend who I used to be pretty competitive with. We actually fell out over the years because we just tried to one up each other all the time.

Well, she is married with the same number and gender kids that I have, and actually, our husbands look kind of the same LOL!

She stayed at home & went to the local college and incurred very little debt (no room or board, and in-state tuition). She then immediately got a job that she's held for 15 years, and moved up the ladder. She also has a graduate degree from that same college (stayed at home so no room or board fees and instate tuition)

She has a nice house.... And Im sure great savings! (well, I don't know this... just guessing)

ME- well, went away to college in a different state, in a major city, backpacked thru Europe, did grad school in another state, bounced around different jobs. Hubby has a terminal degree that is well respected but underpaid. And the loans... He did study abroads, too, etc...

We've lived in a few states, trying new jobs... hating some, thinking something better would come along with others... We've finally 'grown up' and are not leaving where we are now (Ive told him this... Im done moving!!)

Im a SAHM now. Still thinking about going back for that PhD, but for now SAHM. And I love it. We rent, have old cars, and NO SAVINGS. Live paycheck to paycheck.

But, if I had stayed in my hometown, I could have ben much more secure financially & had family around. Then again, I would have been so bored. Nothing is wrong with my hometown, but I had some major wanderlust for many years.

Hmmm... I guess Im glad Ive made some mistakes & had fun. Ehhh... well, a fancy house and new car does sound nice....

Just different paths. Had I stayed at home and had the life my friend had, I would be miserable. I had to go out and make a ton of mistakes before I really knew what I wanted.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:36 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Jan 2010
♂ 42104
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't have any regrets. You lived your life to the fullest and have a wonderful family now. Treasure the time home with your kids, they will be grown before you know it.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, backpacking through Europe. Personally I'd more jealous of your adventures than her house and possible savings.

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fast forward a few (ahem) years and this old hippie chick is looking back at my many and various adventures/jobs/aspirations/careers.

I've travelled quite a bit, lived in a big city and a tiny cabin in the wilderness, now living in a nice small city and still working away at my first degree that I should have finished out of high school. My fellow students are that age, finishing their degrees out of high school and they are EXHAUSTED! Guess what, they just want to go and travel...

Been a bartender, waitress (for a brief and horrifying week), folk singer, typesetter, front desk clerk, legal secretary, rocker chick, songwriter, desktop publisher, mail sorter (for another brief and horrifying interlude), paperboy, professional historian, disc jockey, program assistant and permanent student.

I've worked in student services at a community college on and off for the last 10 years and am now surrounded by women who have spent their entire working lives at their desks there (since the mid-70s!). And guess what. They are EXHAUSTED!

They're retiring in droves, but most of them end up coming back on small contracts to make enough to get by, as their pensions aren't quite enough to really "live". Many of them are in poor health because they gave everything to job and/or family and didn't look after themselves.

While I could be envious of their paid-off real estate etc., I know that that comes with a price -- they haven't really "lived". I have.

And I'm OK with that.

A lot of them are experiencing divorce or their husbands are dying and suddenly they have to find a way to cope on their own.

I'm already there and thriving.

So if I lost it all tomorrow, I know I'll be OK. I have a very simple lifestyle and don't rely on things or money for my happiness. I have enough, and I know I can rely on my ingenuity to always create enough if I have to.

There are no guarantees that the folks in those paid-off houses with all those investments won't experience a loss of at least some of that sometime in their lives. (There's also no guarantee that the children won't become a liability instead of a support in your old age...).

I mean, look at the housing crisis and the downturn of 2008. A lot of people at the college lost a big chunk of their portfolios and they didn't see that coming. I don't have a portfolio so I have nothing to lose...

You just never know where you will find riches in this life.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:22 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 20682 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like me. And your friend sounds a lot like one of my closest friends from high school. I grew up in a small town in the midwest and moved to the west coast for college, then a few years doing development work in rural asia, then to DC to get married and divorced and another degree, all in quick succession, now I'm back living abroad in a new field. She went to college 45 minutes from home and her parents moved to the college town to be closer to her. She got married at 22 and had twins at 25, quit her job to save on childcare costs, and operates largely as a single mom because her pilot husband is gone for days at a time on flights.

We see each other every other year or so at the holidays, and probably email every four or six months.

Her life would have stifled me. I would have hated it. It's exactly what she always wanted...and yet I got a very angry email, out of the blue one day shortly after my divorce, informing me that she was now selling organic cloth diapers out of her home, at parties that her friends hosted, sort of a Mary Kay scheme for new mothers. And she knew it wasn't fancy like my job at a law firm, but she was just as good as me now, because she had a job too.

I was bewildered by the whole thing. She'd wanted so desperately to have children that they had done IV when she didn't get pregnant right away, and I understood from all appearances that her children were the fulfillment she'd been seeking. She keeps a very chipper Twin Mom blog, shows off handicrafts and such that she does with the kids and for them, etc. and has a great network of moms in her neighborhood with whom she's friends. I'd never once heard her complain about giving up her career to stay home with the kids, although she had once mentioned in passing that it wasn't the original plan, but then, neither had been twins instead of one.

And yet, here was this email, unsolicited, full of vitriol and bitterness. I just responded that I was happy for her and looked forward to seeing her and the kids again next time I was in town.

Honestly, I don't see the good of comparing oneself to someone else. First of all, you never know what someone else is going through, especially not based on social media. Secondly, though, and more importantly, what's ideal for one isn't ideal for everyone else.

I'd take your path over your friend's any day, without a moment's hesitation.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14446 | Registered: Jul 2011
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is, you can't go back for a do-over in this life.

Most of the kids I grew up with stayed at home. Of the few who left most moved about 40 miles away. I lost touch with all my HS friends after college.

Now, as I look retirement in the face without much capital and with so many in D.C. wanting to cut Social Security, I sometimes wish I hadn't jumped from job to job the way I did.

But I had to - I just couldn't tolerate boredom, and when I was 57 I made a career choice that didn't work out well. But I, too, would have been stifled if I had taken the safe route.

On my birthday in 1992, I swam in the South China Sea at daybreak. Two decades earlier, our son was born 12,000 miles away from where I spent the first 22 years of my life. I was once given a lesson on Japanese lacquerware in Japanese, and I understood most of it. I can't put a price on these experiences...I feel as if I just don't want to have lived without them.

I wish my W hadn't hidden from me. I wish she hadn't cheated. Even so, I'm glad we're together.

I wish I had understood earlier some things I've understood only recently. I wish I had not given up friends from my childhood and along the way. Other than those things, no regrets.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:58 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16525 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly, Sisoon. I am so nervous about what my retirement will look like, and I often think what would have happened if I had stayed in my hometown. It would be nice to have family close by, and that security.

But then I think about all of the neat times Ive had (at the expense of security!) and I guess I am wondering if it was worth it... and Im really coming up with a (timid) yes =)

I guess that my 35th birthday really hit home that I am definitely ON A PATH. I am not 20 anymore, and I can't really go back and start on a different path of life (atleast not as easily as if I were 20!)

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:19 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gottagetthrough, this post means so much to me right now, you have no idea. I’ve made some choices that weren’t so great in hindsight, and they’ve really been weighing on me lately. But you are right, I don’t think I could have chosen differently; they were right for me. Thank you.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3640 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have experiences and memories; she has bricks and mortar. Neither is necessarily right. To each his own. Sounds like you are both happy with what you got.

Me: BS 48
Her: FWS 51 (both family med MDs; together 21 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
♂ 37437
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be morbid but when you pass from this life what will you be remembered as? That will carry more weight than any degree someone has, or what kind of house, or how much they have in savings, etc etc. It's the kind of person you were and the positive impact you had on others. I am willing to bet this other person looks at you and is jealous of the things you have done.

Comparing ourselves to others is a killer to self-esteem. And Facebook is great at putting out an image of what you want others to see you as, not who you really are behind the curtain.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Becareful comparing someone's FB "highlight reel" to your life "behind the scenes"

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regrets. What useless thoughts.

It's not like you can change anything about the past.

Facebook has really hurt at times. It's hurt when I've been depressed. Now that I've conquered depression, it doesn't bug me too much.....

I wanted kids. I'm 50 now. Ain't gonna happen. I thought the business we started would be the source of our retirement.... aint gonna happen.

I have $400 to my name. It could be gone tomorrow. And over $30k in student loans

Starting over is TOUGH at any age.

I focus more on moments now, while I'm having them. Sunset was pretty frigging awesome and I got some great texts from Firehouse Guy today.

Little things to latch onto.....


FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
♀ 20547
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd take backpacking through Europe over anything. ANYTHING.

FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.

Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point.

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Aug 2008
♀ 34861
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my biggest regrets is not studying abroad in college when I had the chance. Had my parents encouraged me to do so I think I would have been all over it. I'd take your situation in a heartbeat!

Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.

Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the replies everyone... it helps to hear that experiences are 'worth' something

I just read something that said stop living your life based on what others think or to impress other people... things that are important to you are not important to others, and vice versa.

I just need to focus on the next 50 or so years and living them to the fullest... what do I want to accomplish or see... Other people's 'bucket lists' will be far different than mine, and I shouldn't let what they accomplish cloud my image of what a life well lived is to me.

So basically... I should keep my eyes on my own paper and not cheat off of my neighbor!! We are all taking different tests!!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:24 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm staring down 33 and definitely have regrets. Mostly because I made sacrifices to have a life with someone who ended up being unworthy of me, and now I have neither that person nor the life I would have chosen if he weren't in the picture. It is amplified at times when I see these "amazing" lives on Facebook that my friends seem to be living.

Me: BGF - 36
"They say time is the only healer...
God, I hope that isn't right 'cause right now I'd die to not remember..." - Carly Pearce

Posts: 3319 | Registered: Feb 2010
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somebody posted this on S.I. recently and I loved it..
'Comparison is the thief of joy.' -Theodore Roosevelt

And that sums it up for me. If I look at my life, who I am, who I love, who loves me, I have everything I need. Everything. Someone else may look at me or my home or my life or whatever and find it lacking.. but I don't and that is all that matters.

Go softly my sweet friend. You will always be a part of who I am.

Posts: 52150 | Registered: Sep 2006
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'Comparison is the thief of joy.' -Theodore Roosevelt

Love that quote - thanks Meta!

Married: 20 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 5497 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'Comparison is the thief of joy.' -Theodore Roosevelt
And that sums it up for me. If I look at my life, who I am, who I love, who loves me, I have everything I need. Everything. Someone else may look at me or my home or my life or whatever and find it lacking.. but I don't and that is all that matters.

love love love! Thanks, Meta!

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed in my hometown until I was 35, then I moved us lock, stock & barrel to AZbest decision for many reasons. I've worked in many different professions, and have lots of great (and not-so-great) memories, but I've enjoyed the ride.

I've recently moved 3 times in 3 years. I look at it this way: Life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it all night long!

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25300 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 20

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