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People on SI are saying to "work on yourself" and "do what you want". I need help with this. How do you do this when you work 50-60 hours a week and have small children to raise? I may sound sarcastic but truly I need suggestions. I have always worked and hobbies took a backseat many years ago. Besides reading books, I can't think of anything I enjoy doing for myself. Sad. I also have to look after elderly parents during my weekend time from time to time. I realize how important it is to focus on me post Ws' affair so would just like to hear from others about what they did to get that ball rolling. Thanks

Can you download an app called Smiling Mind? It's available here is Australia and is pretty popular right now. It only takes 5-10mins a day and is a great way to start 'working on yourself'.

I usually do it in bed either last at night or first thing in the morning. Like you say, juggling kids & a career isn't easy.

What about going someplace once a week to read while he watches the kids? Maybe go to the library or someplace to have a cup of coffee while you read?

Hi Katz13,

I have always worked and hobbies took a backseat many years ago.

Those hobbies may be a place to start. I went back to hobbies and activities I gave up when I married. I scheduled IC sessions for a few months to help process my stuff from the A and do some values clarification. Work on expanding your social network of friends so that you do not rely on Mr. Katz13 as your primary social outlet. I went back to bicycle commuting to work for exercise. Let Mr. Katz13 supply some child care (and houework while he is at it) while you get a evening or two a week to participate in something for you.

I always interpret 'work on yourself' to mean work on processing the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed. It takes time to do that, usually time alone and often time in IC, but that's the work that pays off for the long term.

The work comes down to nurturing yourself, and the more demands you have to satisfy, the more self-nurturing you need.

What sort of practical help does your H give you? If he ups his effort, that could free up some time for you to use to nurture yourself. Taking pleasure in reading books is one way to do that.

For me, "working on myself" meant making a list of the things that I wanted or wanted to do, and the excuses I'd used to avoid pursuing them.

Things like a trip to France with my kids, or some non-work-related conferences that would take some more planning than I usually do, a new motorcycle, getting back to being consistent with my workout routines, dropping a couple inches from my waist.

Then I looked through the excuses and started eliminating the ones that were BS or fear-based, picked out a couple for short-term goals and a couple for long-term goals, and started working towards them.

It's not all big stuff, but it's stuff I'm doing for myself that makes me feel good to be myself.

One thing that I have starting doing after D-Day was to start exercising. It's hard to go to the gym with young kids, but depending on where you live, it may be possible to exercise outside year round. This past summer, I would take the kids to the playground and while they were playing, I would run laps around the park, while keeping them in sight. I also did pushups and other exercises while they were playing.

If you enjoy books, have you thought of starting or joining a book club? I love to read. My book club meets one evening per month and we take turns hosting. It is a night out with friends and often the books generate interesting discussion. It is a nice mental break to read a book that is not about relationships or infidelity. I have seen notices from book clubs who are looking for new members at local libraries and bookstores.