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chetristezza posted 1/28/2014 20:26 PM

I made the mistake of visiting the wayward forum too soon and posting. I apologize. Didn't mean to hurt anyone. Actually felt horrible for a poster there.

I did wonder about a reply. It concerned boundaries and how the person that cheated had poor boundaries. Well, what does that mean to the spouse? Isn't it poor boundaries to allow a continued relationship with someone that just took a massive dump on you and everything you believed about your life and future plans? 

How does any work, remorse (I see that word a lot on here), self improvement change the fact that at some point this was considered a completely acceptable path to take. I'm not delusional enough to think I can somehow erase it. I'm also not self righteous enough to think I haven't made choices that didn't hugely impact our relationship. 

My struggle currently is that I'm now robbed of security and respect at a place I felt I could count on both. I was very aware that I needed to demonstrate that to him as it was his refuge too. He still has that. I have no intention of abolishing my standards of conduct because he did. Here's where the boundaries are so critical to me. I have never kept someone in my life who treated me with carelessness, disrespect, cruelty when I was finally in a position to do something about it. 

Now, I'm faced with a choice to either relax those boundaries or start a fight for my home and child that I'm not ready to face right now. I'm not sure how to negotiate this new "present". I find myself making passive aggressive remarks to him. I've never done that. I always felt that was completely unhealthy, yet I'm not ready to sit down and offer him an honest conversation about my feelings with someone who just demonstrated they don't give two shits about them. He's begging for me to tell him how I'm feeling. The only response I've given was "I'm not". I'm not feeling. I'm not even "processing". I'm functioning at a completely basic level. Self care and care for my son. My job is getting done. Our (and just typing that is hard) house is cared for. Meals cooked. Son loved and played with. That's it.

I haven't been back in our bed. Sleeping in the guest room. He offered but I don't feel I can be in "our" bed. I no longer belong there. It was never mine. It was ours. What ours? That concept no longer exists. How do you go back to believing in something that was erased. It's like recovering a file someone deleted without saving. He seems to think that we had built such a strong foundation. Bullshit. Part of the strength of a relationship is NOT something in the past but the cords you bring forward and weave every day. He didn't just damage those. He cut them. Now every day is independent of the last one with no "history". 

My "boundaries" don't have a flexibility for that current occupant. Yet I'm anchored to that new person financially, parentally, geographically. I had no idea "I do" meant no matter what he does. Sickness and health, no problem. Richer or poor, fine with that. Becoming an enemy. No way in hell. 

I'm not condemning him. I'm not saying he isn't a good person. Just not for me. Will this change? I'm not sure I want it to. Isn't that a valid boundary?

norabird posted 1/28/2014 20:42 PM

Yes, this is a valid boundary. And you should not feel any pressure--least of all from him--to change your boundaries. They are there to say what is and don't acceptable to you. What he did was clearly unacceptable. Don't apologize for that. Honestly I wish I had had as strong a sense of uncross able boundaries as you do! Especially at this early stage, just listen to yourself. Keep your own counsel. Listen to what your heart and mind tell you. Be true to what you believe.

As for will it change...maybe. Maybe he can show you that there can be an 'ours' again. Does he know yet that he killed the relationship that was there before, though? Because it is good and dead. You get that--maybe he doesn't. Maybe he wants to rugsweep and go back to the old status quo. That simply isn't possible as you have obviously accepted.

But really, what any possible future remorse will mean to you down the road is unknowable right now. Maybe your attitude will not relax, or maybe he will re-earn him a shot. All I know is that you don't have to choose yet (not definitively) whether you are going to 'relax your boundaries' or fight.

I would encourage you to maybe imagine a third road, if you want one...a way where your boundaries stay intact and you can rebuild your relationship feeling that they are intact, because you become able (slowly--it's a process) to trust tht he will not ever disrespect those boundaries again. That is a ways in the future IF it ever materializes at all, but it may offer a better alternative.

Really though, no one can or should pressure you to reconcile, move on, compromise. And don't feel rushed or as if you need to make the final choice this second.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? It might give you some clarity in terms of what the actual options ahead look like.

Seriously though you are doing great. Kudos and stay strong.

chetristezza posted 1/28/2014 21:15 PM

No, I haven't. I haven't even thought about that yet.

Thank you, Nora but I'm not strong. Far from it. In fact, if I really allowed myself to feel I'm sure I'd completely fall apart. The forum I read had folks that showed more strength than I'm feeling.

I find myself facing some real unpleasant things about myself right now.

I knew when my husband and I were dating that we weren't a good fit. I expressed that over and over. I was concerned about our different upbringing. I worried he'd resent the fact I wanted a much simpler life style. It would have been different if he had seperated himself on his own from much of that but he never had. I will never forget our first date. He had a bunch of CD's just tossed around and picked them all up and tossed them into the back seat. I was mentally calculating the cost of all of them. It really bothered me. I pushed all that aside. Wanting to believe his reassurances.

How fair was that? Entering a life long contract with someone uncomfortable with all that was his life up to that point. I can't claim innocence here. It bothered me enough to be always somewhere in my mind. How could that have worked out long term?

That's on me. No one else.