I made the mistake of visiting the wayward forum too soon and posting. I apologize. Didn't mean to hurt anyone. Actually felt horrible for a poster there.
I did wonder about a reply. It concerned boundaries and how the person that cheated had poor boundaries. Well, what does that mean to the spouse? Isn't it poor boundaries to allow a continued relationship with someone that just took a massive dump on you and everything you believed about your life and future plans?
How does any work, remorse (I see that word a lot on here), self improvement change the fact that at some point this was considered a completely acceptable path to take. I'm not delusional enough to think I can somehow erase it. I'm also not self righteous enough to think I haven't made choices that didn't hugely impact our relationship.
My struggle currently is that I'm now robbed of security and respect at a place I felt I could count on both. I was very aware that I needed to demonstrate that to him as it was his refuge too. He still has that. I have no intention of abolishing my standards of conduct because he did. Here's where the boundaries are so critical to me. I have never kept someone in my life who treated me with carelessness, disrespect, cruelty when I was finally in a position to do something about it.
Now, I'm faced with a choice to either relax those boundaries or start a fight for my home and child that I'm not ready to face right now. I'm not sure how to negotiate this new "present". I find myself making passive aggressive remarks to him. I've never done that. I always felt that was completely unhealthy, yet I'm not ready to sit down and offer him an honest conversation about my feelings with someone who just demonstrated they don't give two shits about them. He's begging for me to tell him how I'm feeling. The only response I've given was "I'm not". I'm not feeling. I'm not even "processing". I'm functioning at a completely basic level. Self care and care for my son. My job is getting done. Our (and just typing that is hard) house is cared for. Meals cooked. Son loved and played with. That's it.
I haven't been back in our bed. Sleeping in the guest room. He offered but I don't feel I can be in "our" bed. I no longer belong there. It was never mine. It was ours. What ours? That concept no longer exists. How do you go back to believing in something that was erased. It's like recovering a file someone deleted without saving. He seems to think that we had built such a strong foundation. Bullshit. Part of the strength of a relationship is NOT something in the past but the cords you bring forward and weave every day. He didn't just damage those. He cut them. Now every day is independent of the last one with no "history".
My "boundaries" don't have a flexibility for that current occupant. Yet I'm anchored to that new person financially, parentally, geographically. I had no idea "I do" meant no matter what he does. Sickness and health, no problem. Richer or poor, fine with that. Becoming an enemy. No way in hell.
I'm not condemning him. I'm not saying he isn't a good person. Just not for me. Will this change? I'm not sure I want it to. Isn't that a valid boundary?