SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ABHausen posted 1/28/2014 21:04 PM

Laying here tonight sad, confused, and sick to my stomach from heartache. A position I have found myself in quite a bit the last few months. I have an amazing capacity for forgiveness and giving chance after chance, and it's gotten me hurt on more than one occasion. No one forgives my mistakes that easily though. I will never live up to the OW and it's hard to accept.

In December I found out the hard way, yet again, that my WH was with the AP two nights before. (He works away for 3 weeks at a time and when he came home, didn't even want to see his kids first, went straight to her house for the night) We are separated and were at the time, but spouse promised me over and over that there was no contact between them anymore (supposedly ended in October) and I held very tightly onto the hope that we could take our winter holidays to reconnect as friends and spend time with our children together. When I found out where he was when we expected him home after 3 weeks, and that contact had actually been happening for a long time, it's like my heart broke into a million pieces again. I was absolutely delirious with emotions and pain, so much so, that I ended up spending the night with a male friend. Major moment of weakness.

I have no feelings for this other male and we are still friends. I will admit it was nice to feel appreciated after months of comparing myself to the OW, and driving myself insane trying to find a reason within me that my spouse would stray so easily, so many times. But last night I was finally forced to admit what happened that night, to my spouse. Even though we are separated, and he has told me I am free to do what I want (even though I never had intentions of going straight to another man) I know it hit him as hard as his lying and sneaking around did with me.

He said he wanted a divorce, gave me his stipulations regarding the kids, house, vehicle etc and proceeded to tell me why this is all my fault. Wouldn't listen to me or believe anything I said.

I gave him so many chances and let him stay when he was on days off and pretended like we were okay because I wanted *so* bad for us to be okay. I love him. He brought up past issues we have had (I am a mad hatter, but my no-contact has lasted over a year now and I have no intentions of breaking it) and every little thing I have done wrong, it's like he was desperate to justify his ongoing affair and three previous ONSs. Grasping at anything to minimize what he has done to our family and future.

I feel I may have lost him now though. It's like this one thing is what broke us, even when I was willing to let him in after all we have been through and after all the lies and deception, repeat offenses, and heartbreak after heartbreak, this is what it comes down to. HIM calling it quits. Why can I forgive what he does over and over, I make a false move while in a horrible state of mind, and it's done, just like that.

This last ongoing affair of his left me with absolutely no self-worth or confidence in myself, a feeling of being incredibly unloved and unworthy of respect. His family has phased me out, and even my own family isn't there to support me. I have very few friends who would be of any help here.

*I feel like this is all he needs to reignite his contact with the woman that is the reason for all of this to begin with. And I am scared beyond belief that this will be the time it doesn't end between them. And it ends between us. Feeling sad, alone, and extremely depressed*

I have no one I can talk to about any of it either. My only real support person was him through all of this, as screwed up as that sounds, and now I can't even talk to him about it.

I just need someone to hear how I feel.

Unagie posted 1/28/2014 21:51 PM

I want you to know you have been heard. I wish I could give you a hug. Please lean on us.

Remone posted 1/29/2014 00:29 AM

((ABHausen))
I am feeling for both you and your H right now. So much hurt and pain for both of you. My guess is he is so scared of looking at himself right now and really seeing all of the pain he has caused you that he'll take any excuse to not do it. Please just know that that is his problem. You are strong, you can do this, you will get through this for the sake of your children and the sake of yourself. Don't let fear stop you from kicking his ass out the door, and working on yourself. Are you in IC? Keep posting here, we are listening, and we are here to help.

Stillkicking posted 1/29/2014 09:58 AM

Keep posting and looking for advice, you aren't defined by your choices, you are defined by how you react and adapt to them.

((((AB)))).

SandAway posted 1/29/2014 11:22 AM

(((ABHausen)))

Your H checked out of your M the minute he went back to the OW. He knew you were still hoping to R by letting him stay on occasions, telling you he was NC when he wasn't.

You confessing you ONS to him pissed him off and he is using that as an excuse to D. He was perfectly happy the was life was. He had his own place, his OW and his W at home. He liked that little set up. Also, it makes it look like the D is your fault.

It is time that you work on yourself, no rug-sweeping this time. Become a better person for your kids. If you cant afford IC, there are many books you can read - maybe do some research on codependency and see if that is something you need to work on.

Read up up on the 180 in the healing library - I think it will be a wake up call to your H.

You can survive this.

One more thing - your male friend isn't really a friend. He used you when you were really vulnerable. You should probably detach from him too.

[This message edited by SandAway at 1:49 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

ABHausen posted 1/29/2014 19:39 PM

Thank you for reading my post and replying!

SandAway - I am beginning to see that you're right about that. All the weeks I was home alone holding onto hope that he was remorseful and truly wanted to work towards renewing himself and reconciling, I was probably turning a blind eye to what was really going on. One day he would miss me and the next he would say stay separated so he could work on his own issues because he is toxic for me. I am starting to understand that the first, and second, and subsequent times he broke that no-contact, that our future together was not in his intentions at all. I feel silly and used for holding those hopes and dreams so tightly, and wishing and praying we could work it out. I really believed him every time he said it was the last time, that's how badly I wanted to have my husband and family back. It probably WAS just a warm and familiar place to be, and he knew I would continue to forget or look the other way because he knows how much I love him. Truth is it was a three-way marriage for a long time, and I should've known I would never be his one and only again, instead of wasting all that time on a silly wish.

Yes by confessing I know how bad that pain is and I know he's hurting. And I do feel pretty low and rotten that I caused him unnecessary pain, even after what he has put me through. Maybe it is stupid of me to feel bad about it, but I do have a heart. He is still badgering me for more info about this male friend, and I am done answering questions that in the long run, won't change anything. I got no real truths from him about any of his affairs during the marriage. It is no different from what he has done, except for the fact that we are split, and he has reiterated that to me numerous times in both actions and words these last few months. I know that it is NOT the reason for our impending divorce but I do feel like it is the best excuse he has for him to end it once an for all. It does look like my fault from the other side I'm sure. And now I guess he really can justify picking things back up with his OW. I have to accept it as hard as that is for me.

I do not feel like this male friend used me. I do know I used him though. Not for an ear to listen to me or help me through my problems, or offer up advice - he has no life experience anyways so I never bothered. But for someone to make me feel like I wasn't alone, and maybe a bit of revenge to be honest. I will read up on codependency because that kind of makes sense why I would feel the need to replace.

I have looked into IC yes, it is very difficult to get in somewhere being a single mother and having a full time job plus commute. Can anyone please recommend any books or websites that can help me move on and start fixing myself? I do not really know where to start looking, besides this site. No one else to talk to that will listen or help.

Thanks again, just so much heartache.

Edited - as I posted this I got the "have a nice life" text from my spouse. Now it really is time to give up hope and move forward.

[This message edited by ABHausen at 8:27 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]