Laying here tonight sad, confused, and sick to my stomach from heartache. A position I have found myself in quite a bit the last few months. I have an amazing capacity for forgiveness and giving chance after chance, and it's gotten me hurt on more than one occasion. No one forgives my mistakes that easily though. I will never live up to the OW and it's hard to accept.
In December I found out the hard way, yet again, that my WH was with the AP two nights before. (He works away for 3 weeks at a time and when he came home, didn't even want to see his kids first, went straight to her house for the night) We are separated and were at the time, but spouse promised me over and over that there was no contact between them anymore (supposedly ended in October) and I held very tightly onto the hope that we could take our winter holidays to reconnect as friends and spend time with our children together. When I found out where he was when we expected him home after 3 weeks, and that contact had actually been happening for a long time, it's like my heart broke into a million pieces again. I was absolutely delirious with emotions and pain, so much so, that I ended up spending the night with a male friend. Major moment of weakness.
I have no feelings for this other male and we are still friends. I will admit it was nice to feel appreciated after months of comparing myself to the OW, and driving myself insane trying to find a reason within me that my spouse would stray so easily, so many times. But last night I was finally forced to admit what happened that night, to my spouse. Even though we are separated, and he has told me I am free to do what I want (even though I never had intentions of going straight to another man) I know it hit him as hard as his lying and sneaking around did with me.
He said he wanted a divorce, gave me his stipulations regarding the kids, house, vehicle etc and proceeded to tell me why this is all my fault. Wouldn't listen to me or believe anything I said.
I gave him so many chances and let him stay when he was on days off and pretended like we were okay because I wanted *so* bad for us to be okay. I love him. He brought up past issues we have had (I am a mad hatter, but my no-contact has lasted over a year now and I have no intentions of breaking it) and every little thing I have done wrong, it's like he was desperate to justify his ongoing affair and three previous ONSs. Grasping at anything to minimize what he has done to our family and future.
I feel I may have lost him now though. It's like this one thing is what broke us, even when I was willing to let him in after all we have been through and after all the lies and deception, repeat offenses, and heartbreak after heartbreak, this is what it comes down to. HIM calling it quits. Why can I forgive what he does over and over, I make a false move while in a horrible state of mind, and it's done, just like that.
This last ongoing affair of his left me with absolutely no self-worth or confidence in myself, a feeling of being incredibly unloved and unworthy of respect. His family has phased me out, and even my own family isn't there to support me. I have very few friends who would be of any help here.
*I feel like this is all he needs to reignite his contact with the woman that is the reason for all of this to begin with. And I am scared beyond belief that this will be the time it doesn't end between them. And it ends between us. Feeling sad, alone, and extremely depressed*
I have no one I can talk to about any of it either. My only real support person was him through all of this, as screwed up as that sounds, and now I can't even talk to him about it.
I just need someone to hear how I feel.