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User Topic: What is 3 months out supposed to look/feel like?
flayed
♀ 41875
Member # 41875
Concerned  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are now 3 months out from DDay. While my WH is transparent, he is NC with AP, we are in MC and I know many (all?) of the details of the A, in many ways I feel more lost and confused than ever.

This post may be mostly for me to unburden my mind a little.

There are times when I am talking to WH and asking him questions and I can feel him crumpling within himself with pain over what he has done. He is breathing fast, tearing up. I feel compassion and pity for him in that state and let go of my need for answers. I feel bad that my need to understand is causing him so much pain. Then I worry whether he is strong enough to carry on with R or whether he will give up and walk away.

Then there are other times when I would just like to scream at him or kick him in the shins. Like yesterday when he told me that he feels like he is in jail and he is being punished like a naughty teenager. WTF??!! My perspective is radically different!! From my point of view I have given very few consequences for his A. I did not leave or threaten divorce, I did not out him to friends or family, I did not out him at work (which would ruin his career), he is sleeping in the same bed with me, we have had HB, I have not made him get rid of things that have associations with his A, I have not banned out-of-town conferences and I have not told him that he will never again be able to participate in an out-of-town sport that was a rendezvous site during his A (although I would be fully within my rights to demand this if I chose, given the choices he made). All I have asked for is for him to treat me gently and not pressure me about participating in that sporting event or the conferences and give me time to ease back into the idea. I think he is impatient, selfish and feels entitled to his entertainments/outings. He also doesn't understand that a BS can trigger over something even when you are together (I am trying to explain this to him - not sure it has sunk in yet). He seems to think that the problem will be solved by me coming along. No. Better perhaps, but no.

He feels like he is living with lots of consequences because we had to move (he started that process months before DDay so I am not responsible), got a new job with a new organization (also not my doing), has to look at my pain every day and hates himself for being the cause, and just the general and intense shame for the choices he made and putting every aspect of our lives at risk.

I feel so lost and confused and I don't know what to do or how to feel or how to move forward.

Does it often look like this at 3 months out?????


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your confusion at 3 months out is normal.

This reaction from a truly remorseful spouse

Like yesterday when he told me that he feels like he is in jail and he is being punished like a naughty teenager.

Is NOT. We are over 6 years out and my husband has never, not once , tried to manipulate me into not talking about the affair.

Your husband needs to realize that he has a long way to go if he wants to save his marriage.

You should not be easing his pain here. He needs to answer everything, and do it with compassion and caring.

It's actually part of his healing too. He needs to know your pain and share it, own it. Making things easier takes away a valuable piece of healing from him. Don't do it.

If he can't handle questions at 3 months out he needs to evaluate if he can handle R.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Zengirl
♀ 42195
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are on a very similar timeline, and I would say my WH is only just now starting to "get it." Although he has been expressing regret, and has been consistent about NC, transparency, etc, like in your case, the true remorse has been slower in coming. He was still in that very selfish place where his own shame and pain at what he has done overshadowed mine, in many ways. He's getting beyond that now, and truly starting to understand and show remorse. He still has a ways to go, however, in my mind.

As far as my own feelings....I'm still just as up and down and confused as ever. I think the safer I feel in my marriage, the more intensely I'm feeling some of the negative emotions. I wasn't consciously holding back before, but now that WH can help me process things better, things are unexpectedly bubbling to the surface again.

I don't know what's normal, but I feel like I'm in the same boat as you. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Zengirl at 6:00 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 164 | Registered: Jan 2014
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zengirl's got your WH in one sentence:
He was still in that very selfish place where his own shame and pain at what he has done overshadowed mine, in many ways.
Flayed, you're being way too nice to your WH!
I feel compassion and pity for him in that state and let go of my need for answers. I feel bad that my need to understand is causing him so much pain.
It's still all about him, and I'm not sure he's seen the consequences yet. Have you read the stuff on "Co-dependent: A BS's common mistake"? It might be worth a look. Not that I'm saying you're seriously co-depedent, but I think a lot of us BSs have some co-dependent traits. We pride ourselves on being low-maintainence, undemanding. We love our WSs, so it's no skin off our nose if we're nice -- we like being nice! It's who we are! And we expect that it will be returned, because surely our partners understand that this is the deal? The sad part is, no, they don't get it. They get it as an endorsement of their self-centered view of the universe. It's all about them and making their lives good. They take us for granted. (My FWH openly admits now that he did.)
I did not leave or threaten divorce, I did not out him to friends or family, I did not out him at work (which would ruin his career), he is sleeping in the same bed with me, we have had HB, I have not made him get rid of things that have associations with his A, I have not banned out-of-town conferences and I have not told him that he will never again be able to participate in an out-of-town sport that was a rendezvous site during his A
Why? Are you trying to make things easier for him? Well, too bad! START GETTING SELFISH! Luckily, you're ramping up to the Anger Stage (I can hear it beginning already, actually.) This is Good. Because I got to a stage where I didn't give a flying f**k about how bad he felt, because you know what -- this is about ME and how that bastard made ME feel. I did lose it and threaten to leave, and I think that's a good thing. If you don't seriously think about leaving a cheating WH at some point, well... you're not taking cheating seriously enough, or you're not valuing yourself enough. This doesn't mean you can't R. But, as many people have said on here, you have to be in state where you can imagine leaving to really be able to evaluate whether it's really worth trying R with this person.

What if he isn't up to R? What if he isn't up to sacrificing to make you happy? What if you did tell him "Hon, I'm triggering too much. If you go on that weekend with your pals, I will be miserable the whole time. I'd prefer you stayed." What would be his reaction? Do you feel that you could do that? Do you want to be with a person who values his sport over your feelings?

At 3 months out, this is all new. At three months out, I was still sobbing hysterically daily. At three months out, my WH still had his head in his ass and didn't know what had hit him. It's an evolution, and you can't speed it up. It's horrible. I would never want to re-live those days. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

((((flayed))))


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
What?  Posted: 7:55 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why? Are you trying to make things easier for him? Well, too bad! START GETTING SELFISH
.

^^^This!!! Times Ten!

IMO, your husband has had zero consequences for his actions. Actions have consequences, and you are allowing him to go on with his life as if nothing happened. He will not understand the impact of his A until it alters his life.

At this stage, it's all about you and YOUR needs. He needs to get off the Woe is Me horse, and gently, my friend, need to put your foot down.


Posts: 7662 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
wert
♂ 34478
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is 3 months out supposed to look/feel like?

Fury. Disgust. Hurt. Detachment. Focusing on the self. That is what 3 months looked like for me. F-him and his whining.

There are times when I am talking to WH and asking him questions and I can feel him crumpling within himself with pain over what he has done. He is breathing fast, tearing up. I feel compassion and pity for him in that state and let go of my need for answers. I feel bad that my need to understand is causing him so much pain. Then I worry whether he is strong enough to carry on with R or whether he will give up and walk away.

I think compassion is great at 6 months or a year, if the WS has towed the line. At three months this was an accurate statement in my house -

is being punished like a naughty teenager.

Why wouldn't a WS be in the penalty box? He should be happy to be there in my opinion. Don't get me wrong time moves forward and you need to figure out how the new M will work, which long term should not include that dynamic, but at first he should be happy he is in the house any longer.

On the BH side of things a common expression is you can't love you WW back into the M. I would suggest the same is true for you H. Stupid as stupid does. Act accordingly.

Build yourself. Build your life. Stop looking to him for anything for while. Step back and decide how you want your life to look and then look over at him and see if he is even apart of it anymore. IMO that is the first task for the BS. To figure out if WS is worth the time of day anymore. In order to do that you need emotional distance from him.


take care....



Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jan 2012
stillprettyupset
♂ 41286
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are four months out and not in a very different place from your situation. We have agreed to counseling and actually set up an appointment, but we still are emotional and talks turn rapidly to arguments and rapidly to fights. She surprised me a bit by telling me she had done some thinking and reading... I thought she was just rug sweeping...I need to ask more about her research.

She feels like a prisoner and a watched child, and I agree. I am over that, mostly, since I don't want to live my life as a part time detective and she will do as she pleases whether I watch or not.
She stills feels that she has a right to privacy so transparency is just fucked.

Thanks to a couple great posts by Aubrie and Blake, I have started looking at my own family issues and coping mechanisms. They are deep as a well and wide as a church door. I don't even know where to start. I have learned how much I hate ambiguity and that I am a people pleaser...hey, thanks Mom and Dad. Nice parting gifts.

Our post-A actions and hurtful comments have done more damage than anything else. Trust, intimacy, affection have all taken hits and this rollercoaster has shredded almost every belief I ever had about myself and my relationships. It is a dark and dangerous place right now.

So, have a hug and know you aren't going through it alone.


Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
veronique12
♀ 42185
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what things are "supposed" to look like at any stage really, but I can say that being 2 months out, I can relate a lot to that sense of confusion. One day I'm calm (like today) and I can feel loving toward my H and R seems like a real possibility. Another day (actually all of the last 2 weeks) I want to kick H's teeth in, rip out my hair, and run screaming from the house. Sometimes I'm not sure who I'm going to be when I wake up in the morning.

It sounds like your H, flayed, is also oscillating, though his emotions are probably more like guilt, shame, and anger at himself (sometimes displaced onto you). My H goes through this too and when his anger comes up and is directed at me, that's when I start to retreat into what I've come to call the "dark place," that lovely spiral of self-loathing, fear, hate, obsessive thoughts.

Have you guys read any books about coping with A's together? I'm sure you've probably already read After the Affair, but if not I highly recommend, especially for him to understand the nuances of your feelings. My H said he really didn't get the depth of what I was going through until he read it there. And having him approaching an understanding of my pain has been key to me even trying to R.

I agree that you should continue to let him know your feelings about what triggers you and that the R will only work if he honors your needs.

I'm so sorry that we are all having to deal with this and wish I had better answers or could help to ease others' pain. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed when I think of how long it might take for things to stabilize in my M and for me psychologically, but I have to think that struggling through R will be worth it for the stronger M that could result. And if it doesn't work out, at least I know I tried my best.

Hugs to everyone.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
flayed
♀ 41875
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

karmahappens- WH is not trying to manipulate me into not talking about the affair. He wants me to talk to him. It is my own doing because if I see him suffering deeply my protective instincts kick in.

zengirl - I agree with this

He was still in that very selfish place where his own shame and pain at what he has done overshadowed mine, in many ways.

Blobette -

Have you read the stuff on "Co-dependent: A BS's common mistake"?

Is this a book? I could not find it in the Healing Library.
If you don't seriously think about leaving a cheating WH at some point, well... you're not taking cheating seriously enough, or you're not valuing yourself enough.
I regularly think about leaving, but I don't voice it because I don't want to cry wolf every other day. And, I mostly think about leaving when I am angry, not when I am in a calm state of mind, so I don't want to make decisions just in the heat of the moment.

I did tell him that I would be fully within my rights to never let him go to the sporting events again as a result of his choices and he accepted that. He said I am worth more than that, I am worth more than anything. I still felt that it was a grudging, resentful acceptance though and that he is white-knuckling it.

I am trying to do the balancing act of honoring my feelings of pain, confusion and despair but also recognizing that I don't want to be his jailer or exact punishment as some kind of revenge. I want him to want to be with me, to be free to make his choice. That is why I find it particularly hurtful/ironic/??? that he tells me he feels like he is in jail and being punished when I (for my own needs) have very deliberately tried to stay out of that role. I will be bringing this up in this week's MC session!!!

I am probably not explaining myself very well. My thoughts and feelings are a jumbled mess in my head so I wouldn't be surprised if I am confusing others.

annb-

Actions have consequences, and you are allowing him to go on with his life as if nothing happened. He will not understand the impact of his A until it alters his life.

I can't seem to figure out what consequences he should have (other than the inherent ones for R like NC with AP, transparency, remorse and MC) that would be meaningful for me and that would have long-term benefits for us both.
I feel like a lifetime ban from things he loves to do will not benefit us longterm because he will start to resent me over time. But I do need some time to reacclimate to the idea, plus some coping tools from our MC.

wert-

at first he should be happy he is in the house any longer.

I have said to him that I feel like he was selfish and ungrateful before the A, which led him to have the A, and that he is selfish and ungrateful still. He doesn't seem to see all of the negative actions I might have taken and he should be on his knees with gratitude that I am still here with him, beside him. He thinks he is showing his gratitude, but I don't feel it and feel he is still sorely lacking in the gratitude department.

veronique12-

It sounds like your H, flayed, is also oscillating, though his emotions are probably more like guilt, shame, and anger at himself (sometimes displaced onto you). My H goes through this too and when his anger comes up and is directed at me,

When I feel his anger being displaced onto me I start to fight back and tell him he has no business getting angry with me, his choices created our present situation.

Sigh. I love being able to come here to talk about the craziness in my head (which is often inconsistent/confused/ambivalent) because I feel like the MC sessions are too far apart. It seems like an eternity between the weekly appointments!! I don't have anyone other than my WH and our MC to talk to IRL and that is hard.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flayed, here are the links to two good threads, which I've bumped for you in JFO:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631&AP=1

Is your WH in IC? Is he taking responsibility? What's his explanation?


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flayed, here are the links to two good threads, which I've bumped for you in JFO:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631&AP=1

Is your WH in IC? Is he taking responsibility? What's his explanation?


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
flayed
♀ 41875
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blobette-
He is taking full responsibility. He has never put any of it on me. He just doesn't know why he made the choices he made. We both like that tagline that another user uses ""She knew my one weakness- that I am weak" -Homer Simpson". He was weak, failed to put up boundaries, was in denial of what was happening and she (Like a lioness that scopes out the herd for the weakest wildebeast) set her sights on him and hunted him down like a skilled hunter. He realizes now how skillfully and easily she used and manipulated him to get what she wanted. I think he is really angry and disgusted with himself, but sometimes displaces that anger on to me (which I don't tolerate).

I would like him to be in IC, but he and the MC think we can get him sorted out in MC. I am still reserving the right to ask him to go to IC if I don't see enough progress on his "why" in MC.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
wert
♂ 34478
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't seem to see all of the negative actions I might have taken and he should be on his knees with gratitude that I am still here with him, beside him. He thinks he is showing his gratitude, but I don't feel it and feel he is still sorely lacking in the gratitude department.

I would really talk about that part with him. Here's why. This is going to suck for a long time. I am sorry, but the ups and downs that this causes is rough stuff if you try and R. What helped me is clearly spelling out to my W what I want her to do and when. This is not based on my "meeting her needs" or "being a good partner" because in truth I knew that I would not be either of those things to her for a while. I was not afraid of leaving in fact I wanted to. There is no, making it up, that comes even close, but IMO a WS should try to. You can direct him here and if he doesn't follow suit it may be telling you something.

There actions that you tell them to do help. It tells you they are listening to you and give a shit if you leave or stay.

I very much appreciate you now wanting to see him hurting anymore than he is. That said, pain is a great educator and the self reflection that is needed for him to become and authentic, honest person will be painful. IMO he needs to explain it to you in his own words and actions and they need to make sense to you otherwise I don't see a great outcome. The pain you experience together and apart forge the new M. Don't waste it. Lean into it.

Take care...



Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jan 2012
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger, anger, anger. And sadness, confusion, happy, even joyful family moments, uber-sensitive/hyper vigilant.

And yes while your H is still in that selfish/foggy place, karma is often quite accurate with her assessment. If he ever utters the jail bit again, let him know that the amount times he should say it again, is...zero. It is manipulation. He should not be saying that. Period.

We actually stopped MC at 3 months bc I realized that although we had some marital issues, H was the one who made the decision to cheat. Plan, lie, cheat. And repeat. That needed a certain amt of introspection that he was not getting in MC. He was in IC at the time anyway. We are going onto 14 months and he still goes every 3-4 weeks. I go every 6.

Finally, I have made things very easy for most people, most of the time. That person is on her way out. I can see her getting her boots on! I do it with family, friends and even strangers. This is a really good time to be very aware of this part of you and try to figure out why you do this. You are not comfortable with other people being uncomfortable. I totally get that! But, at some point, something's got to give with this approach. It is possible to be selfish in a good way.

Keep posting!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2672 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

karmahappens- WH is not trying to manipulate me into not talking about the affair. He wants me to talk to him. It is my own doing because if I see him suffering deeply my protective instincts kick in.

He knows you have protective instincts and feel bad when he hurts, that is why I believe this...

Like yesterday when he told me that he feels like he is in jail and he is being punished like a naughty teenager.

IS manipulation. He tries to make you feel bad for his being "in prison".

JMO

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:18 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Cool  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I disagree with your MC. If your WH is really that clueless about why it happened (and spare me the master huntress shit - I'm sorry, that sounds like more "poor me" stuff), he should be in IC. The MC's focus is the marriage. An IC should focus on him and his bad choices. To really explore, he should do this in private, not In a place where you're watching and evaluating his every word. He's going to perform for you in front of the MC, whether consciously or not. The MC also has a bias that it' say couple problem.

I speak from experience here. IC has done my FWH a TON of good, and we couldn't have got there with MC alone. After spending a lot of time here on SI, I've really come to the conclusion that people who resist IC are doing it because they don't want to deal with their issues. They're still avoidant and don't want to be accountable.

I still see you making excuses for his selfishness. Sorry to be harsh, but I really do mean all of this kindly. It is such a hard thing we go through.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
EaglesWings
♀ 41156
Member # 41156
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 3 months out, there is no way "it should look." My FWH was still way too foggy at that point. We started affair recovery counseling at that time. It was at the 6 month point that he even began to unfog. We attended a "Recovery weekend" together at that point and really started toward R at that point.

After D-d I gave myself a 6 month deadline-no major decisions for 6 months. If there had been no progress, then move on. I read " Love must be Tough" and wrote him an ultimatum letter, I was willing to say goodbye and move on. I never delivered it, but just knowing I had gained that strength gave me peace and the confidence to stay the course. He began to engage in the process so I extended my deadline 3 months at a time. We are now 22 mos out and things are MUCH better.

Give yourself time, strengthen yourself. Then you can make whatever decisions you need to. No one here is superhuman, you CAN do this. We're here to help!


Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread....

Posts: 61 | Registered: Oct 2013
SadFlower
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flayed, at three months out, you are both still awfully raw. All the feelings you describe are normal.

Maybe some will disagree with me, but I also think it's normal for the WS to feel as if s/he is "in jail," especially early in the process. Having to be accountable for every move, knowing that their BS is checking e-mail, phone records, etc., cannot be a good feeling. Nor should it be--they brought it on themselves through their own despicable actions. With time, though, a truly remorseful and committed FWS will let go of those feelings and see how necessary accountability is--for your healing, and for the healing of the marriage.

FWIW, I also got the "in jail" line at 7 months out, which led to a, ahem, lively discussion. My FWH snapped out of that fog after a while. He has since admitted how good it feels not to be living a double life, not having anything to hide.

Anyway, hugs, and courage, as the French would say--hang in there, it will most likely get better.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 416 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
lordhasaplan?
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like yesterday when he told me that he feels like he is in jail and he is being punished like a naughty teenager. WTF??!! My perspective is radically different!! From my point of view I have given very few consequences for his A. I did not leave or threaten divorce, I did not out him to friends or family, I did not out him at work (which would ruin his career), he is sleeping in the same bed with me, we have had HB, I have not made him get rid of things that have associations with his A, I have not banned out-of-town conferences and I have not told him that he will never again be able to participate in an out-of-town sport that was a rendezvous site during his A (although I would be fully within my rights to demand this if I chose, given the choices he made).

This jumps out to me. You need to value yourself enough to demand to be safe in your relationship. I think you need to establish what your willing to put up with to engage this marriage. What are the things you need to achieve the marriage you want? These should be articulated and he needs to follow through. If not then you must stand for yourself, to accept so little tells him he doesn't need to change his behaviors. Demand the marriage you want! First the things you need to feel safe in the marriage and then then the things needed to feel loved and cherished in the marriage. Then sit back and watch his behaviors. If they match what you lay out, great. If not, you need to put your bitch boots on and levy consequences. YOUR WORTH MORE THAN YOU BELIVE, START TO ACT LIKE YOUR THE PRIZE YOU ARE.

This shit is hard I know, I didn't value myself initially either, I had given myself away to a marriage that was a corpse. I held on so tightly to it I was willing to sacrifice myself for it. Once I realized I was worth more, things started to change. If my wife didn't follow, that was fine. I was moving on for myself.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
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Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like yesterday when he told me that he feels like he is in jail and he is being punished like a naughty teenager.

Oh and next time he delivers this sled load of shit your way, tell him he's not trapped the door is right there and you will help him pack his shit and he can go do anything he wants. My wife went . Silence! Never heard it again. She realized in that instance, manipulation and her control of the situation was over.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 36
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