I'm in a pretty decent mood right now. I'm not angry, or sad, but I'm not happy either. I was finally able to eat most of a sandwich tonight without choking it down (still tasted like crap) Brain is just in suspension I guess.
The bombshell of the whole truth came out a day or two ago. I was quite livid. Chance after chance for truth telling was given. Her promising to not kiss him goodbye. Then, as the days dwindle down to where she'll be home soon, she finally came clean on everything. It was more than once (which I had already guessed), she broke her promise.
I was able to at least get their Secret Skype (the damn pw had my name in it) conversations yesterday. I have a better idea of the dates and times and could compare to when she had talked to me and the kids. I went through a variety of emotions pretty quickly. Anger at the same flirting I do worked for him. Sadness when i realized she could sit there and talk to either me or the kids and be planning on what she was gonna do. Then I had some feeling of inadequacy, which is weird for me considering our past. Then I just kinda accepted it for what it is.
We had a pretty good conversation after all this. Talked of how our feelings were. Things we were going to do to help fix what we had broken in the M. Triggers I knew I was gonna have (seriously, if you are gonna do something like this, don't do it on a holiday). There was one thing though I couldn't tell her. Don't know if I should, or wait until we both get to MC.
Through the years and pregnancies, I have always thought her to be beautiful. Always told her how I felt about how she looked. Always attracted to her. Other women were decent looking to me, but nothing got me going like her. I myself am no longer in that category, but that was to be part of the New Year(really gonna hate this day) restructuring of our M. These lies have been the most unsexy (vocab has shrunk over the years due to misuse, disgusting doesn't quite get at what I want to say) thing I've ever thought possible.
At this point, I don't know what to do. She got the validation she needed that she was desirable by more than just me. She has confidence in herself again. She seemed somewhat excited to see me. Well as much as can be expected for someone who's heart you tore out. She seems remorseful (tears are helping, but kinda hard to tell on a blurry Skype) after giving what I am told to believe are the last of the lies at this point.
Right now just waiting to put the kids to bed so I can grab a beer and process some more. I guess the question is can I find her attractive again? Time will tell I suppose.