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I'm in a pretty decent mood right now. I'm not angry, or sad, but I'm not happy either. I was finally able to eat most of a sandwich tonight without choking it down (still tasted like crap) Brain is just in suspension I guess.

The bombshell of the whole truth came out a day or two ago. I was quite livid. Chance after chance for truth telling was given. Her promising to not kiss him goodbye. Then, as the days dwindle down to where she'll be home soon, she finally came clean on everything. It was more than once (which I had already guessed), she broke her promise.

I was able to at least get their Secret Skype (the damn pw had my name in it) conversations yesterday. I have a better idea of the dates and times and could compare to when she had talked to me and the kids. I went through a variety of emotions pretty quickly. Anger at the same flirting I do worked for him. Sadness when i realized she could sit there and talk to either me or the kids and be planning on what she was gonna do. Then I had some feeling of inadequacy, which is weird for me considering our past. Then I just kinda accepted it for what it is.

We had a pretty good conversation after all this. Talked of how our feelings were. Things we were going to do to help fix what we had broken in the M. Triggers I knew I was gonna have (seriously, if you are gonna do something like this, don't do it on a holiday). There was one thing though I couldn't tell her. Don't know if I should, or wait until we both get to MC.

Through the years and pregnancies, I have always thought her to be beautiful. Always told her how I felt about how she looked. Always attracted to her. Other women were decent looking to me, but nothing got me going like her. I myself am no longer in that category, but that was to be part of the New Year(really gonna hate this day) restructuring of our M. These lies have been the most unsexy (vocab has shrunk over the years due to misuse, disgusting doesn't quite get at what I want to say) thing I've ever thought possible.

At this point, I don't know what to do. She got the validation she needed that she was desirable by more than just me. She has confidence in herself again. She seemed somewhat excited to see me. Well as much as can be expected for someone who's heart you tore out. She seems remorseful (tears are helping, but kinda hard to tell on a blurry Skype) after giving what I am told to believe are the last of the lies at this point.

Right now just waiting to put the kids to bed so I can grab a beer and process some more. I guess the question is can I find her attractive again? Time will tell I suppose.

Now I am pissed. She has been lying to me for so long. Just how long has she been comfortable lying to me? This is not what I thought I married. She could say the same of me over my past few years of darkness, but I never lied to her. I want to tell our families. Her's are Catholic/Christian. I'm sure they'd love this. I know it is the anger right now wanting that. It is really hard to not start burning this bridge just in case she is feeling actual remorse.

Telling her family won't burn any bridges.

My XWW was from a relatively traditional Catholic family. First affair they put her in line. Second one her dad didn't talk to her for a month, since she was leaving me for OM. Well, her dad ended up being the best man at my second marriage.

You need to tell whoever you feel you need to tell. Religions aside...we are all humans and most of us are good people and want to help each other. I think it's tougher keeping the secret. I found out tonight who the other woman was. I found her pic on facebook on her hair salon site, yes she cut my husband's hair, emailed it the friends of ours who have been supportive of me telling them this is the other woman. Childish perhaps, but was a bit cathartic. Of course it didnt help the situation because he thinks I'm 'out of control'. I tried the 180 but he kept lying and I snapped

Hooray for a sandwich! You gotta be grateful for the little things. And two days out from the (supposed*) whole truth, eating is a major accomplishment. Give yourself a pat on the back. A friend told me after I found out, well, at least it's an easy path to weight loss...

*I hope it's all out, just one can never tell

Talked for a couple hours last night. Told her how it wasn't just me she hurt, the kids, rest of the family. Kids don't know, but they might one day. Too young to put that crap on them. After years of burying emotions, it felt good to get them out. She ruined the one thing I thought we at least had in the M.

I still don't feel like crawling out of bed much, but, I plan on eating the other half of that sub today. I've lost almost 10 pounds since this started. Not really the way I planned on doing it though. Can't really get out and do what I wanted/needed to do anyway, snow caused a bus delay and they are not very good about clearing the roads here (I've had problems driving in snow since I had an accident a few years back driving 10mph in it).

The one thing making the delays on truth easier is she isn't home yet. I do not know what will happen if I find any more out down the road, in counseling or otherwise.

Now the flight is delayed from the original date. So tired of this year already.

Just realized that with the talks we were having while she was away, the improvements I was making and wanting to make with her, helped the OM. I was doing the work, he was reaping the benefits. Now I am finding out that he might be crossing her path again before she gets out of there. Hard to believe nothing will happen again even with all the tears.

Hard to believe nothing will happen again even with all the tears.

Tears can be pretty misleading under these situations unfortunately. You are right to doubt. Don't start believing her until you know it is safe to do so.

You may not be able to do this right away with your childcare issue but see if you can consult with a lawyer to figure out your options. It's often recommended under the adage 'knowledge is power'.

I'll be seeing a lawyer Tuesday. She's been honest from what I can tell. Had an argument a bit a go because she told me she had a dance with one of her male friends. This is after the other day we were talking of doing dance classes. She couldn't understand why I was upset over one dance. I wouldn't of been had the A not happened, or if it was a line dance. I got over it a bit because at least she told me. Then we went over why I was angry about it and seemed to understand to some extent.

Her flight time can not get here quick enough.

To top it off the new waterbed mattress I ordered was the wrong size, so I am killing my back on my couch still.

[This message edited by hurtingfool at 5:40 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

She's home now. My feelings are torn. Looking forward to IC/MC. That's about all I can express right now. The anger isn't there while we've been talking. The disappointment still is.