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What it looks like

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Remone posted 1/29/2014 00:05 AM

My BW and I were discussing the traits that I will have and need to work towards in the future and I wanted to post them. Feel free to add.

He doesn’t get defensive.
He is empathetic.
He is man enough to feel the pain that he has caused, not turn away from it.
He protects her from fears and things outside the marriage
He is honest with her and with himself.
He keeps her safe.
He doesn’t have “relationships” with other women.
He thinks “how is my reaction to this situation going to strengthen our marriage” rather than simply reacting and dealing with the fallout later.
He is her teammate in every way!
He works on himself to make sure that he is growing as a person and asking himself the tough questions everyday.
He loves and cherishes her everyday and understands that everyday with her is a gift. She is the prize!

AFrayedKnot posted 1/29/2014 06:29 AM

Nice list.

Why is it written in a 3rd person perspective???

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/29/2014 06:59 AM

Chicho's comment on the 3rd person perspective raises a interesting point.

Its almost as if it was a "wish list" written by your BS. While I can understand that your BS may want to see changes in your actions/behaviors and may have written them down, this list appears to be externally motivated. Are you in full agreement that these are things that you need to change or are you just agreeing to your BS's wishes?

I think that it would work much better if it was internally driven. I don't have an issue with your BS or IC helping you clearly identify your shortcomings but they can't be the driver behind the chance.

True effective change comes when we want it. I would feel more comfortable if this list read, I will not get defensive, I will be empathetic etc.

Do you see the difference? The "we" statement comes across as you doing things because others want you to. The "I" statement comes across as taking ownership and taking charge of your own healing.


SurprisinglyOkay posted 1/29/2014 09:13 AM

I wouldn't call these traits, so much, but actions.
These actions may help you develop better character traits, but only if the driving force behind the actions is a true desire to change for you. Not for your BS.

Remone posted 1/30/2014 08:24 AM

Thanks for the input and good question about the perspective. I wrote this list and I do own it. I wrote it after a difficult weekend when I did not display these actions. I didn't feel like I could use I. I do want to be this person, I will. It is hard to have been such an ass and so pathetic and own it, but I will.

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