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We are 8 months into R after he had an affair for over a year..... feel in love, thought about leaving ate family- blah blah piece of shit asshole!!!! Anyway.....still to this day I don't feel he has deep remorse. He says he is sorry and will never do anything like that again but I don't think he realizes how much he has changed me and us forever. How can you tell if they are truly remorseful? Or is he glad he fucked his whore for so long since it ultimately didn't change his life with me because we both decided to stay....and he got an "free pass" for over a year.

I think he needs to realize that you are not a given! Have you tried creating some space between you two? Asked him to sleep on the couch? This might be really hard at first, but my guess is that him seeing you being strong and standing up to him will make him think twice. By morning he may be singing a different tune. Are you in IC? I think he is really too scared to take a good long look at himself to see the pain he has caused. He needs to be made uncomfortable to choose to do this I think. Right now I think you are right, he figures he has basically gotten away with it, and if this thinking doesn't change he will do it again!

I identify. It's been 13 months after my dday and I maybe am just now seeing some remorse. The lack of remorse was eating me up because his affair has literally colored and darkened how I now see the world and others. Mind f*ked doesn't even begin to cover it. Are you in MC? MC has helped because it's a safe place to present what you saw and how you felt during that time. You really need to walk through it all and he needs to be willing to hear how he hurt you. MC gives you a space to do that. What I've learned is it's not what he says, words are definitely cheap now and remorse isn't found in "gee, hon, sorry I hurt you", but it's if he is willing to listen and really hear what he has done to you and get a sense of how you feel and you can see he has empathy for you.
That's I think the beginning to healing.

(((Tear)))

I am sorry to read this post. It appears there is a certain number if WS's that are slow to find remorse. My wife was one, your husband is one.

You say you are 8 months into R. Is this true or are you 8 months from DD? Those are very different things.

For me, 0-6 months post DD were basically me just accepting what my wife did.....and her finding REGRET. Regret that she got caught, then regret that her relationship with the OM was dead (blamed me for it because he dumped her the night I showed up on his front porch), then regret for lying to her sister, MC, close friends, and me, then regret for hurting me, then regret for hurting our girls, then regret for hurting herself.

I mention all of that to say this very important statement.

I mistook "regret" for "remorse"....and it allowed more pain to enter my sitch.

MC, as suggested above, can be hugely beneficial. However, you must find a MC who specializes in adultery. Ours did not....,and our MC made the same dreadful mistake I made and mistook regret for remorse.

Best thing I would recommend to someone us to go to separate corners immediately following your DD.....it appears to me to be a rare WS who finds remorse quickly.

Remorse is needed before true R can be offered, accepted or learned.

Repentence follows regret and remorse.

I know these are similar in nature.....but my experience tells me they are different. Different due to underlying motives.

If my wife stopped at regret.....I believe her fortitude for self-growth and nurturing her M to me would stop as soon as another SAHD winked at her and had "a way to keep their affair a total secret". Kwim?

Big questions to ask yourself....."why did I state 8 months into R? What makes it seem like I am in R?

God be with us all.

One of the most critical signs of remorse to me is whether the WS has made significant changes in their lives and whether they are willing to submit to IC and MC. Most WSs really really don't want to delve inside. A willingness to do this, and try to figure out why they did what they did (reaching beyond superficial answers) is, to me, a huge sign.

Do his actions match his words? If no then he is not sorry, and the words are just empty promises. Has he promised to go NC with OW? Has he willingly given you access to his emails and phone? Has he voluntarily gotten a STD check?

What are the ACTIONS he has done to back up that he is sorry? If there are no actions, then it is meaningless. Draw up a list of actions you want him to do and give him a deadline. Else file for D. He will come begging back, I promise.