For him, right now, there is no relationship. In your mind there is. That's where the problem is.
I don't think your crazy, and I feel for you. Even as a former BH, I feel for you. Best thing is to honor his needs. But you can force him to work on a marriage that he isn't sure he wants to be in.
[This message edited by 2yrsblind at 1:18 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]
You don't have to check in you can do as you please you can even start texting him again it doesn't matter .
He said that we are not going to separate at all if it means one of us moving out, so now what?
Call me crazy and wrong and selfish if you want...
There are consequences for cheating.
You can accept the consequences or not, choice is yours.
Are the consequences unreasonable?
Doesn't matter, it's what your BS requires for him to consider continuing with the relationship. Comply or leave, again you have a choice. Try not to be resentful when making it.
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
You are none of those things. What I do think you are is scared. The situation is out of your control and that's scary. It's ok, I'm scared too. I feel for you.
What your BH needs now is space. He wants this separation so he can distance himself because that's what he feels he needs in order to heal.
Go along with the separation, give him space and time to think. It doesn't mean the end of your M.
While the in house separation is going on you have an opportunity to continue the work you are doing. Go into IC, heal yourself. Use the time to show your BH how committed you are to the M and R.
Be calm, explain to your BH that you are scared of losing him but you will honour his request and will use the time productively.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
You're offended because your BH is choosing in house separation over living separately? Truthfully if you want a chance to save what you destroyed, you should be thanking your lucky stars. There are WHs who got kicked out after Dday who would love to be in your position.
The position to see your kids everyday, the position to not break up your family, and more importantly, the position to show everyday how you are changing and remorseful and willing to do everything to get your BH trust back. When most BS kick out WS, its a sign of detaching. You actually have a shot, and you're complaining because you want all in or nothing? Well then, I truly think you should just leave then. No self respecting BS would put up with your cheating, and then your demands on top of that.
What you're doing is building resentment. A freshly wounded BS can only take so much. I'm going by your join date, but your not even a month out of Dday and your trying to call the shots.
"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"
R: one foot in, and one foot out
Have you done a timeline yet ?
It's a long road to recovery. He is probably still in shock and has no idea which way is up. The WS is often the biggest trigger for the BS.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I know its difficult. I'm going through a hell of a time too with BS' emotional rollercoasters, constantly making me relive my mistakes and berating me over it, in addition to him being in limbo. There is absolutely nothing I can do but listen, try not to be argumentative (its so very hard), answer questions and be a trustworthy person. These are the consequences of our actions, no matter how hellish they are. If you truly want to help him heal, fully commit to helping him heal.
He also said this:
You don't have to check in you can do as you please
He was exhausted by constantly thinking about me and the As, and worrying about how I spent my day while he was at work. I texted him every time I left the house, arrived at my destination, left said place and returned home again. Each text had a photo. I rarely got a text back, but continued to do so anyway.
You see, every time I did this, it consistently proved I was being accountable, and gave him one less thing to worry about. Over time, I earned back some of his trust, and eventually he began to forgive me and let me back into his life, and finally into our bedroom.
You blew up his world, and badly damaged his view of not just you, but of all people and relationships. He'll need time to heal himself before he can even entertain the idea of rebuilding your relationship.
Gently now, yes, you have every right to be upset, but right now, you really have no say on how he chooses to heal. Your post comes across as scared and regretful, but not remorseful and lacking empathy. IMHO, it seems like you don't really understand the gravity of what you have done to him.
An in-house separation may seem just awful, but at the same time, consider the fact that he still wants to have you in the house. A lot of WSs are asked to move out! Though you will be in different bedrooms, and have limited interaction, you will still be in the house, and it will give you the opportunity towork on yourself, do a ton of reading, writing, IC, so that in time, you can become the partner that both you and BH deserve.
Give him the space he needs to heal, and you fill that space with your own healing. And one of the best pieces of advice I ever received on here was to let go of the outcome. It took many months of hard work, but I finally learned what that really meant.
So first, don't panic! Be patient, support his needs, but remain present and keep checking in, even if he doesn't respond, just be consistent. Be authentic and transparent. Read anything you can get your hands on and work on you and learning empathy. And I can't stress this next part enough, but IC IC and more IC!
Lastly, it may seem like the end of the world right now, but it does get better, just takes time and work.