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Newest Member: octo8 (61864)

User Topic: am I crazy?
♀ 42134
Member # 42134
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call me crazy and wrong and selfish if you want...but here goes. My WH texts me tonight while I am work and says
"I'm going to send you this text and then that is going to be it for texting.
The way this in house separation is going to work is that we will interact together with the kids for the kids. We will discuss day-to-day things that need to be discussed between us like finances and other things. Other than that we will have limited interaction. You don't have to check in you can do as you please you can even start texting him again it doesn't matter . If we need to leave the kids then we can tell each other where we're going other than that we don't have to. For all intensive purposes we are separated just living in the same house." So I say to him what?! You're TELLING me that this is what and how things are going to happen? I know I am the one that made bad choices and I am truly remorseful. But dont I get a say in this? I understand that I am the one that had the EA but do I want to live in a house with so much resentment and no communication?! No, I will not do it. I love my B.S. so much and I want to help him heal. ..But does that mean torturing myself and my kids to do that? Our kids are old enough to understand tensions. So anyway I tell hom "no, I wont do it. If you want to separate, we will do it. But I will not do it in the same house". Albeit I was the one that acted out and made the HORRIBLE choice to have an EA. But does that mean I no longer have a say in my marriage? I have done EVERYTHING he has asked. Given him access to my phone, email account, texts. He put a tracker on my phone with my approval. I wrote him a letter telling him why I did what I did and how sorry I am. I sent the OM a NC. I went to the chief of police to tell him that one of his officers was inappropriately interacting with me while on duty. I have tried to do everything I can to show him I am sorry and I love him. I am willing to continue to do these things. I am committed to making oir marriage work. But doesn't he have to be willing to communicate too? Does my EA give him the right to demand we separate in tje same house? Well now that I told him no, we are at a standstill. I am committed to working on our marriage, but shouldn't he be to? I know he will have good days and bad days and I am ok with that. I will support him through that. But is je in or out of the marriage? He said that we are not going to separate at all if it means one of us moving out, so now what? I know I have been selfish in my choices but is this ok? I just dont know

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 42134
Member # 42134
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry. He is not my WH...he is the BS...I am the WW

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 41974
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, you don't have a say in him wanting or not wanting to be in a relationship with you.

For him, right now, there is no relationship. In your mind there is. That's where the problem is.

I don't think your crazy, and I feel for you. Even as a former BH, I feel for you. Best thing is to honor his needs. But you can force him to work on a marriage that he isn't sure he wants to be in.

[This message edited by 2yrsblind at 1:18 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
♀ 42134
Member # 42134
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to force him. What I am saying is if he does not want to be in our marriage or even if he is unsure, then maybe we SHOULD separate. But I am NOT going to do it in the same house!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to check in you can do as you please you can even start texting him again it doesn't matter .
Is he testing the waters to see what you'll do? Does he need reassurance that you don't want to do that?

He said that we are not going to separate at all if it means one of us moving out, so now what?
Does he just need a break from all the A & M stuff so he can cope better? Maybe you could ask how long he would like an inhouse separation to last, put a time frame & conditions (ie. no OM/OW) on it. Then you can both come back & work on the M if that's what you decide.

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call me crazy and wrong and selfish if you want...

Nope not going to. You feel what you feel.

Bottom line.
You cheated.
There are consequences for cheating.
You can accept the consequences or not, choice is yours.
Are the consequences unreasonable?
Doesn't matter, it's what your BS requires for him to consider continuing with the relationship. Comply or leave, again you have a choice. Try not to be resentful when making it.

Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
♂ 41974
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUptake makes a good point. Also BH had no say in your A.

The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call me crazy and wrong and selfish if you want...

You are none of those things. What I do think you are is scared. The situation is out of your control and that's scary. It's ok, I'm scared too. I feel for you.

What your BH needs now is space. He wants this separation so he can distance himself because that's what he feels he needs in order to heal.

Go along with the separation, give him space and time to think. It doesn't mean the end of your M.
While the in house separation is going on you have an opportunity to continue the work you are doing. Go into IC, heal yourself. Use the time to show your BH how committed you are to the M and R.

Be calm, explain to your BH that you are scared of losing him but you will honour his request and will use the time productively.

Madhatters - We have R'd.

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
♀ 40258
Member # 40258
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you aren't crazy or even wrong, as is said in this forum, waywards are allowed to have deal breakers too, but I want you to completely understand what you're doing because it seems like your reaction was more of a fearful gut reaction to having no control of a situation you always have had control of while your BH for the first time has exercised his options.

You're offended because your BH is choosing in house separation over living separately? Truthfully if you want a chance to save what you destroyed, you should be thanking your lucky stars. There are WHs who got kicked out after Dday who would love to be in your position.

The position to see your kids everyday, the position to not break up your family, and more importantly, the position to show everyday how you are changing and remorseful and willing to do everything to get your BH trust back. When most BS kick out WS, its a sign of detaching. You actually have a shot, and you're complaining because you want all in or nothing? Well then, I truly think you should just leave then. No self respecting BS would put up with your cheating, and then your demands on top of that.

What you're doing is building resentment. A freshly wounded BS can only take so much. I'm going by your join date, but your not even a month out of Dday and your trying to call the shots.

"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit."

"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"


R: one foot in, and one foot out

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Atlanta GA
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks from your profile and posts your dday was about a month ago and you recently told him new information. The tone of your posts suggest you are terrified and in self protection mode. He is probably doing this to give ?himself space. This could be a dealbreaker for him and he is still in denial about this.

Have you done a timeline yet ?

It's a long road to recovery. He is probably still in shock and has no idea which way is up. The WS is often the biggest trigger for the BS.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
♀ 42184
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but if you're absolutely willing to do everything in order to help BS heal, you have to submit to his requests. The fact that he wants in-home separation means that he still wants you around and does not want to sever ties with you. That's a good thing!

I know its difficult. I'm going through a hell of a time too with BS' emotional rollercoasters, constantly making me relive my mistakes and berating me over it, in addition to him being in limbo. There is absolutely nothing I can do but listen, try not to be argumentative (its so very hard), answer questions and be a trustworthy person. These are the consequences of our actions, no matter how hellish they are. If you truly want to help him heal, fully commit to helping him heal.

Me, WW
Him, BH
2 DDs
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 09-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 37879
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went through over a year of in-house separation. After all the pain I'd put him through, he needed to detatch and heal himself a bit before he could even begin to think of a future for us.

He also said this:

You don't have to check in you can do as you please
but I knew that even without him asking me to do this, it was important to do so regardless.

He was exhausted by constantly thinking about me and the As, and worrying about how I spent my day while he was at work. I texted him every time I left the house, arrived at my destination, left said place and returned home again. Each text had a photo. I rarely got a text back, but continued to do so anyway.

You see, every time I did this, it consistently proved I was being accountable, and gave him one less thing to worry about. Over time, I earned back some of his trust, and eventually he began to forgive me and let me back into his life, and finally into our bedroom.

You blew up his world, and badly damaged his view of not just you, but of all people and relationships. He'll need time to heal himself before he can even entertain the idea of rebuilding your relationship.

Gently now, yes, you have every right to be upset, but right now, you really have no say on how he chooses to heal. Your post comes across as scared and regretful, but not remorseful and lacking empathy. IMHO, it seems like you don't really understand the gravity of what you have done to him.

An in-house separation may seem just awful, but at the same time, consider the fact that he still wants to have you in the house. A lot of WSs are asked to move out! Though you will be in different bedrooms, and have limited interaction, you will still be in the house, and it will give you the opportunity towork on yourself, do a ton of reading, writing, IC, so that in time, you can become the partner that both you and BH deserve.

Give him the space he needs to heal, and you fill that space with your own healing. And one of the best pieces of advice I ever received on here was to let go of the outcome. It took many months of hard work, but I finally learned what that really meant.

So first, don't panic! Be patient, support his needs, but remain present and keep checking in, even if he doesn't respond, just be consistent. Be authentic and transparent. Read anything you can get your hands on and work on you and learning empathy. And I can't stress this next part enough, but IC IC and more IC!

Lastly, it may seem like the end of the world right now, but it does get better, just takes time and work.

Me: FWSO 39 He: FBSO 39 and my heart
Together 21 years. We survived infidelity. "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

Posts: 611 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: by the sea with my love
Topic Posts: 12

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