Dd was almost a year ago. At that time WH said the A was over, then he met up with her in March, continued writing until I caught him and asked him to stop, hid a secret email account until mid april, took 4 trys at a NC letter with our marriage counselors help, in June he began planning a trip without me to her area to see a band he and she shared insisting that it was for the band, not her, in July he wrote a poem to honor her father who died, in Aug he resentfully agreed not to go to the concert he planned in June. Every time he dragged his feet or acted resentful when I asked him to cut a string to the affair (blocking Facebook, getting rid of poems, letting her BH know what they were doing) , I ended up crying and he ended up frustrated and confused that I was reacting that way.
Now he is going to IC (he was going before while in the A and didn't tell the counselor), we are going to MC, I go to a different IC. He says his focus is on becoming more honest(which is great though I don't see him being honest with himself) and talking about his "needs, wants, and desires." In marriage counseling, he is working on having fun times and drawing a line to start again. I have asked for him to work on listening, empathy, and connection. I believe that is a huge area the counselor is trying to focus on too, he doesn't seem to hear her any more than he has heard me. He honestly doesn't seem to get the concept of emotional connection at all.
He wants a physical relationship again. (we haven't had one in a long time due to abandonment issues when I got sick.) I asked then that he show me empathy and connection and we would match those with physical expressions. I feel most alone when we are "making love" (He has been heavily into porn for years and I think it has had an effect.) When he reaches out to hug me, it feels like a empty act without feeling.
I have been trying to push myself forward, to be responsive to his hugs. He told the counselor last week that he is "disappointed" in my reactions, that I push him away. I have not tried to push him away. He has offered back rubs a few times that I said thanks but no thanks but it has been with kindness and a good reason (we had just ate and he wanted me to lay down. (He says its too difficult to give me a massage while I am sitting up.)
When he said he was disappointed that I wasn't responding, I tried to explain to him that I had noticed him giving more hugs and appreciated it. He suggested that I give him hugs too. I told him that I would like to get to that place but I am still fighting back so many triggers. I gave him some examples. He could not get beyond me "bringing up the affair again" to what I was trying to communicate which was that I am working hard and fighting a battle most of the time. I have been told not to bring up the affair but I don't believe I was bringing up the affair. That is in the past. The thing that isn't in the past is all the triggers and pain I feel now. I am working through it but it is huge.
He seems to be thinking only about his needs. He wants me to be responsive, to praise him, to accept him (whatever that means-I am not going to accept the affair, his lies, his impatience and blame shifting), to validate his feelings (he says he has trust issues because I talk too long, have called him an immature baby in the past, expect him to jump through hoops...) , to respect him and to love him.
Its frustrating because I want to become a better wife. I have tried to be responsive though I don't feel there is a lot of positive to be responsive too - he wants to keep things superficial because conflict throws him off. I have thanked him and praised him when I see him making an effort, I have stopped calling him names because I am making an effort to control my emotions, I am also trying to let go of what I want from him and find other ways of meeting my legitimate needs through taking classes, going to a 12 step programs (two of my children are addicts) and spending fun time with girlfriends. This is to let the pressure off him. It doesn't make me want to have sex with him because I don't feel connected to him. It does help me not be angry and resentful toward him. I want to love him again. The feelings are not there because we don't have much substance. If we cannot talk beyond the weather or how was your day without arguing, how can we feel connected which I need to feel love for him?
I am thinking and dealing with so much. I cannot allow myself to make him my whole life again. I was so depressed when He was my world and I was an afterthought to him. I am concerned about my daughter who was hurt in a bike accident 3 years ago and is having trouble adjusting to her new normal, my son who turned 18 a few months ago and left to live on the streets using meth, and my 22 y/o daughter who is caught in the middle of the two siblings she loves and was so close to who are now not able to be there for her most of the time.
Sex is not the first thing on my mind. It is really scary to even think about when my husband seems to have no clue as to what he has done to me, to us, and to our family. And NO CLUE of how to be a patient, compassionate, listening husband now.
A couple counselors have asked me "what if he cannot give you what you want" - this was after assuring me that what I want is reasonable. I guess he may push me to make that decision sooner than later. I really wanted to be able to heal and give him time in IC to work on himself so we could stay together.
Thank-you if for reading this.