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details and timeline of A- why would you want it?

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griefandrelief posted 1/29/2014 04:52 AM

WH had A. Is having A, actually. Moved in with OW. We are getting D. I know enough about A and I don't want to know more. I don't want to know timeline. I don't want to know her name or where they are living or what she is like, etc. I think that an abstract "about 2 years" for length of A is enough. I don't want to think about the details. It is all water under the bridge, right? What good will knowing bring me? It won't change anything that happened and it will bring more pain.

Why are the details so important to others? I want to know if I am thinking about this all wrong.

HormonalWoman posted 1/29/2014 05:14 AM

If you are D i can understand why it is not important to you.

If you are R, it is not as easy to say it's water under the bridge. There are lots of things in your head you need to reconcile, puzzle pieces you may need to put together and a lot of people need a clear picture of the A, to understand it, before they can fully deal with it and move on.

I'm a details person

2yrsblind posted 1/29/2014 05:44 AM

Those answers mean little to you NOW. In time they will. My exWW cheated on me 14 years ago we were divorced 12 years ago. I remarried 8 years ago and I'm happier then I've ever been.

Yet I still have questions. Two years after the D, we reconnected and spent a lot of time together (FWB) she was finally totally open and honest about what happened. I asked and she answered a lot. We remained friends without sex until my current wife objected while we were dating. To this day I still have questions, new ones.

The A is never over in you, they forever change you as a BS. The pain and anger goes away, but the questions keep coming.

kalimata posted 1/29/2014 08:29 AM

You will eventually want to know the details, so you can put it behind you. Else it will consume your thoughts for years.

RealityStinks posted 1/29/2014 08:39 AM

Why would I ask for details - because I HATE being lied to and made to feel crazy. I guess it's not details so much as the truth. I want her to have enough respect for me to look me in the eyes and say "Yes, I've had an affair with limp dick. And, yes, it was physical."

There's not a jury in the world that wouldn't convict her of adultery based on what I know, but she adamantly denies that she's had an A. I KNOW she's lying to me, and that hurts more than knowing she screwed some POS.

That's why I would want the details. In your case, where you know your WH is living with the OW and you are D, it's pretty obvious what's going on. In that case, I wouldn't care to know details either. I think you're pretty smart for not wanting them because the details will not help you at this point.

No12turn2 posted 1/29/2014 08:45 AM

I thought details were important. I even wanted graphic sexual details at one point. See my signature line to complete the rest of this thought.

Sparkle0504 posted 1/29/2014 08:46 AM

I did want to know the details, found out details (myself), but I don't any more.

D-wise, I have more than enough evidence. So why beat myself up any more with details?

struggling16 posted 1/29/2014 08:54 AM

We are all on different journeys with the A but I couldn't move forward until I reclaimed those hours and days my WH stole with his scheming and lies.

I didn't know enough to ask for a timeline so I constructed my own from phone records,credit card statements, my date book, etc. This process enabled me to ask questions and process my new reality. It was painful but necessary.

solus sto posted 1/29/2014 09:34 AM

I was gaslighted so long and so studiedly that I really, really needed to know the truth. I had been driven to near-insanity, doubting my perceptions and doubting my ability to accurately assess a situation. This was because my husband consciously chose to create this. And the cure was truth.

I never got it. I never got a timeline, and I never got any answers to any questions I had. I never got what I needed to heal emotionally.

And I still healed. But it was much more difficult. Furthermore, the lack of remorse and ownership of his actions demonstrated by the refusal to give the truth, a timeline, anything necessitated the removal of my WH from my life; I could not heal if he was present and in possession of---and withholding--what I needed.

But those who wish to remain in their marriages can't have secrets and lies between them. They are an impermeable barrier to the intimacy required for an emotionally rewarding and intimate relationship.

NikkiD posted 1/29/2014 09:36 AM

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!

Yep, this is how I am starting to feel now. I think you get here when your give-a-shit pills run out. When the hate begins to morph into indifference....

7yrsflushed posted 1/29/2014 09:44 AM

I want to know if I am thinking about this all wrong.
Everyone is different. some need details some don't. You do what's comfortable for you.

I personally needed to know.


I was gaslighted so long and so studiedly that I really, really needed to know the truth.
^^^This for me as well. My STBXWW had a 3 yr LTA and a month after Dday she confessed to another A she had 1 year after we got married. Getting truth out of her was like pulling teeth. Knowing and figuring out the truth helped me realize I was NOT crazy. It also helped me to realize that the problems in my M for so many years were NOT my fault, they were hers. She had rewritten so much of it in her head to justify the A's that she always had me on the defensive. So knowing details filled in the pieces that I was missing and I KNEW I was not imagining things and not crazy. Getting the truth and details helped me to see her for exactly who she was.

To each his own though. If you don't need details that is great. For me I didn't need details about the AP, I was more interesting in deciphering the lies that she told all through the M. My life didn't make sense and putting the pieces together helped me see exactly what was happening to me and my family for years. Once I had enough I was able to move forward and not look back.

ETA: I am in the camp that once I made the decision to D the details were no longer important. For me, I no longer cared since I was moving on. It no longer mattered that she was still lying or withholding information.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:51 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

womaninflux posted 1/29/2014 09:47 AM

Something MC said to me that resonated: Work through the pain because if you leave the marriage in anger, you will take that with you…in life and into any other relationship.

I disagree with posters saying the details will become more important to you. I'm almost 11 months out from DD. For me they have become less important.

Knowing start and end dates and some of the significant lies he told in order to be with her (such as take her to Europe for a weekend) was important because I needed to know I wasn't crazy for thinking in the back of my mind something is up and being "reassured" that nothing was wrong, "why would I do that?" etc. But beyond that, knowing specifics like details of conversations is not helpful, not going to help me heal, etc.

You know yourself. But also don't stand in the way of yourself. If avoidance has been a problem for you, it may be to your benefit to peel back some of the layers in order to gain some perspective and be able to heal.

h0peless posted 1/29/2014 09:51 AM

In my case, there was no remorse and we divorced. I still tried to find all of the details I could so I could reconstruct the lie that 1/3 of my life had been. For me, it was important to learn as much as possible from the experience so that hopefully I could make a better choice if I ever chose to enter into another relationship again.

Decimated posted 1/29/2014 09:53 AM

My XWW would never open up and be honest with me after many D days so I never could get any details from her. Everything I know, I found out on my own...or from others.

At first I wanted to know certain details just to decide if I wanted to R or D. Because she wouldn't or couldn't seem to answer my questions I ended up choosing D. I had been asking her these questions for over a year before I decided on pushing the D button, so I was more than patient.

The only reason I would now want details and a timeline now is so I know how I should treat her post D. To me, it would mean the difference between treating her with a cordial politeness or complete and total, go to hell, NC.

I will never get any answers from her so I can only assume the worst.

[This message edited by Decimated at 10:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Razor posted 1/29/2014 09:54 AM

Not knowing the details is like living in a house with a locked room. You dont know whats in there. You may be able to ignore that locked door for awhile. But it will always be there. Always tickling at the edge of your thoughts. The house will never really be ALL YOURS since you have no access to whats behind that door.

I wanted details because I wanted to know EXACTLY what I was being asked to forgive. Sadly I never got them. MC told WW (what she wanted to hear) to NOT tell me. So now I live in that house with the locked room.

Secrets prevent emotional intimacy. I really dont see how trust or love or R can happen with out emotional intimacy.

need_hope posted 1/29/2014 09:57 AM

I think this is really a personal thing. Some want to know, some don't. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to know what parts of my life had been real and what parts were a lie. I asked and asked and got nothing but lies in return. I finally realized that I was never going to know the truth - not from him anyway. And I had found enough truth by digging on my own. I just accepted that the worst-case scenario (that he had been cheating our entire M) was not only possible but likely.

Once I accepted it, I could start moving past it.

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