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Newest Member: Nala87 (61091)

User Topic: Trauma-only friends?
♀ 38619
Member # 38619
Question  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back in September of 2012, when I first found out about the A, I had 'friends' coming at me and my DD8 from all directions in an effort to help us through that painful time. I don't think I spent a night without having a visitor or having many telephone conversations from said friends and my DD had more playdates than ever before. But now, at a year+ later, I've noticed the opposite. People that were there for us before don't seem to be as willing to answer the phone, respond to a text or even accept a playdate with my DD. It feels like since my fwh is back in the picture and my DD and I are no longer in trauma-mode these 'friends' have slowly disappeared. Even my core group of friends seems to be slowly melting away. Maybe it is just normal life and I'm reading too much into it. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that's a bigger response than I got just after DDay. As a matter of fact, I experienced the opposite right away. It was as if we were radioactive with "Affair" and nobody wanted to be near us. Granted, much of that may have had to do with the fact that we were trying to Reconcile and a lot of MY family and friends were afraid they would lash out at FWH if they had to be in the same room with him.

After time, we were able to return to "normal" with several of our relationships.

I think that in your case it's probably due in large part to something similar. People know how to help the victim, but R after an A is not something that a lot of people who haven't been on this side of the fence can wrap their heads around. I remember years and years ago my best friend's husband cheated on her and I badgered her for months to leave him. Who in their right mind would stay?!?!?! Fortunately for our friendship she had the ability to articulate that she needed me to support their marriage, and that my unsolicited opinion was hurting her and causing her to withdraw from me.

Maybe you can reach out to some of your closest friends and let them know that you appreciate their support as you try to put the pieces of your marriage back together. As for peripherals, don't give up on them. Life happens - sometimes in waves, and I bet a lot of this isn't personal at all. I get sensitive about the same thing but I've learned to talk myself down.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♂ 41157
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing brings "friends", real and otherwise, out of the woodwork like drama and chaos.

True friends would want to help whenever and wherever they could. My WW's family and "friends" are drawn to drama & chaos like moths to a flame...they FEED on it, and gossip like crazy. I think they are crazy. But even WW has now had to reconsider who her real friends are.

Could be your real friends think you are ok and don't feel they can do much to help.

Good luck!

Posts: 417 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast
Topic Posts: 3

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