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Help--my spouse is obsessing over details I don't have

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SpotlessMind posted 1/29/2014 10:11 AM

My husband is consumed with details right now about when I kissed another man at a party, and I understand that. The thing is--I have given him every detail I remember, so I'm starting to panic. I don't know what to do.

I've offered to write him up a timeline, and I think it will be helpful because he often confuses the details I've already given him. This was 11 years ago, and I was drunk. I just don't think there is going to magically be any new stuff to remember.

He got some sound advice on here about how to proceed, since lack of details might be a reality in this situation.. He is unable to take it.


In a sense, I feel like he almost..wants there to be more to the story. Is that possible? Like, if I did more than I confessed to, then he won't have to feel as bad about his As? I also feel like he is projecting. Since he chatted with multiple girls, for weeks or months on end--even with the ONS--at a certain level, he probably had an emotional connection with all of them. I did not have an emotional connection with the man I'd kissed. He was a friend of a friend and I'd met him socially a couple of times before, but always in a group. I'd never had an in-depth conversation with him. I knew next to nothing about him. My husband can't seem to accept this.

And yes, I know it's unfair to compare, but it's incredibly frustrating. He can't remember all kinds of details from his As this past year. When he gave me a timeline, it was months off in multiple areas. He still can't tell me how many times or which days he and LTA MOW met, with the exception of the two that show up on our toll road transponder.

It frustrates and saddens me that I am willing to get past his lack of details, because I realize he may never figure them out, but he isn't able to do the same for me. I think that him working on himself and his why is more important. I do still ask questions occasionally, but I don't bombard him. But he keeps pressing me for details that I just don't have.

It's not that I don't want to answer them. I don't have more answers to give. Though I am trying to work on my why, via IC and reading.

I am starting to think this was a deal breaker for my husband.

Any advice, behind continuing to answer with what little I have and working on myself? I don't know what else to do.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 3:27 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

JustWow posted 1/29/2014 18:12 PM

offer to take a polygraph? H did and it can help close the door on the what-ifs?

SlowUptake posted 1/30/2014 05:13 AM

Sure does suck to be a remorseful wayward actually telling the truth when we say "I don't remember" and not being believed.

Like, if I did more than I confessed to, then he won't have to feel as bad about his As?

It's quite possible he's looking for his 'get out'ta jail free card' to relieve his guilt.
Or he's just like every other 'BS', waiting for the other shoe to drop, because most of the time there's more. After all cheaters lie.

All I can suggest is perhaps give it some time.
You, wearing your BS hat are a little ahead of your WS/BS in processing a betrayal.
We all process and heal at different rates.

SpotlessMind posted 1/30/2014 09:57 AM

JustWow--thanks for the suggestion. I did offer that up to hubby a week or so ago. I don't think it's something he's interested in, but at least it's out there.

SlowUptake--thanks for responding, and I think you are spot on. Even though we both came clean around the same time, by necessity we had to deal with hubby's betrayals first, because they were so fresh and overwhelming. I think it's only now that I've ventured into acceptance under the BS hat that my WH can don his BS hat.

We've had some good talks since I posted, and I think a lot of our problems boiled down to a failure to make the environment feel safe for asking questions. We both recognize that was how we made the most progress when discussing hubby's affairs, and we need to apply the same thing here. Especially since, because of FOO issues, I tend to completely fall apart when faced with anger (something I am working on).

I think we're also going to restrict question-asking to certain time periods on certain days, so we make sure to spend time on other things, too.

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