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PhoenixRising88 posted 1/29/2014 12:10 PM

My final D hearing is in less than two weeks. 2/10/14. And I'm ready to go do this and get it over with.

However.... Woke up today really missing being part of a team. It's not that I miss STBX or what we had, don't get me wrong. That was dysfunctional and no trust left and it was sooooo much healthier for me to move on.

I just.... I guess I'm settling into the realization that it's me, by myself. I am an island. I have family and I have friends. But I have no one to fall asleep with, no one to wake to. No one special person that I can share how my day went with, or have a meal with, or snuggle on the couch and watch TV with. No one to have that bond with where you can be at a party and look across the room at each other and make each other melt cause THAT look is only for the two of you...

I'm prepared to go through the rest of my life alone if that's what happens. I just don't have to like it

Crescita posted 1/29/2014 12:28 PM

(((PhoenixRising))) I completely understand because I love all that to, but in the meantime, there are pros and cons to every situation, and there are a lot of pros to being a free agent too. I know we’ve had a lot of threads on the perks of being single, perhaps someone can bump one to remind you of all the great things that await you in this transitionary period.

better4me posted 1/29/2014 12:39 PM

I understand this. I feel it too. I don't like it either. I could get used to it if I had too. Sigh.

EvenKeel posted 1/29/2014 12:46 PM

~hugs~

I understand what you are saying. I miss that connection too but in all fairness, that was lost even during the marriage. Nothing worse than being lonely WITH someone.

You will have many levels of healing to help you and we are here too!

Charity411 posted 1/29/2014 13:47 PM

((((PR))))) If it makes you feel any better, you may find some things very nice about being alone. In my case, after about 6 months I was no longer afraid to open the mail because my ex wasn't spending us blind anymore. He was spending himself and the ow blind.

I also didn't have to put up with his friend anymore. OW was his friend's wife. They used to come over for dinner every Friday and lunch and dinner every Saturday. My catering days were over.

The longer I live alone, the less appealing living with someone is. If I think the dishes can wait until tomorrow, they do. If I want the dog to sleep under the blankets with me (like the night before last when it was -27) I can do that. If I want to sit on the couch and watch Waltons reruns then so be it. I don't have to listen to anyone telling me I'm lame. If I want to eat Manwich out of the pot with Ruffles potato chips, I can. Although I'm a good cook and usually cook for myself every day. I'm not a total cave woman. I get to decide how high the pictures should be on the wall. And I painted my kitchen red. It's all very liberating if you look at it the right way.

I miss some stuff. But I have great friends that I can talk to when I need someone. And I have a great gay male friend who I can go to a movie with or dinner and he helps me with guy stuff on occasion. So you'll be fine if you just rethink what your team can be.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 1/29/2014 21:04 PM

I think ive mastered this. In the last week I bought myself flowers, designer perfume, a massage and diamond earrings. Tonight I ate canned soup for dinner and finished off with a pint of ben and jerrys while watching My 600lbs Life.

Feeling content being alone for the most part but I did have a fleeting thought earlier, even though I am usually against marriage, it would be nice to have a wife so I could come home from work to a clean house and dinner on the table every now and then...

nowiknow23 posted 1/29/2014 21:28 PM

((((Phoenix)))) I get it too, honey.

heartbroken_kk posted 1/30/2014 14:25 PM

I'm with you on this. Of the many things about being on the road to D, the lack of a true partner, a faithful side kick, your right arm.... all that stuff.... I miss it too.

StillLivin posted 1/30/2014 14:46 PM

Yep, I felt this way too. But then I put it in perspective. I was the only one being genuine, while the whole time he was a traitor in my foxhole.
While I was sharing with only him and looking only to him, and giving him honor and respect, well, he just wasn't.
He is like those girls in HS. Remember the ones that would smile in somebody's face. When the person left, you heard them saying just awful things about her/him.
That was who my STBXH really was.
Maybe one day I'll want to have that, and I do miss how I thought I had that. But really, I'm learning to enjoy that with me, cuz babygirl, I got my back. And no more traitors in this foxhole! It's 100% me and I'm 100% genuine.

nutmegkitty posted 1/30/2014 15:31 PM

I don't necessarily like it either.

((PR88))

fencerider posted 1/30/2014 17:26 PM

totally understand this; 5 years out and I still have those moments. In the end I remind myself of what EvenKeel says, being lonely alone is a heck of a lot better than being lonely with someone. I'm not sure how it was for you... but my former MIL remembers me telling her I was feeling lonely, and that was about the time XWH started trolling around. (hug) I think many people here understand your feeling.

roseguide posted 1/30/2014 17:42 PM

(((((PhoenixRising88)))))

Yes I absolutely get that.

Be extra good to yourself right now.

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