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mattie posted 1/29/2014 12:49 PM

I read infidelity takes 2-5 to get over. I'm just about at at 5 years . I don't know what i thought would happen-that maybe the infidelity fairy would come around and sprinkle dust on me and I would miracoulousy be over it, I'm dissapointed I'm not further. I find there are times that I still get very angry and sad about it, that I still fantasize about revenge in some shape and that I find myself backing off from my husband anytime things seem to go well. Anytime I feel intimacy or close between us I will back away. it's almost like when you feel yourself nodding off and you jolt yourself back up--that's how i feel I will feel us getting closer, guard going down and then boom I will either invent something or puposely back away. We had a wonderful day together, out of nowhere I came in and demanded to use his phone-he said no use your own--and i went on a tirade of how he was keeping things from me and I then slept else where in the house--this is the ebb and flow of our relationship. He says he is tired of not feeling loved and me only brigning up his mistakes and bad points-I'm tired of being tired-of not being able to "nod" off in our relationship always being on guard. Has he given me reason to doubt his honesty-not really--but I can't let him forget I will never trust him. I actually want to stop but as long as i hurt I want to punish him-I'm miserable and I want you to be too. I want him to feel the pain I felt and still feel when i think of them or see her or have to hold my head erect in front of people who know what he did.I still feel shame and embarrassment-I work hard at times to put these feelings behind me, but they always seem to pop back up. I fear any hope of intimacy is gone

Jrazz posted 1/29/2014 14:17 PM

I think that the 2-5 window applies only if things are moving steadily uphill.

Has he given me reason to doubt his honesty-not really--but I can't let him forget I will never trust him.

We had a couple counselors point out that it's not practical to trust anyone 100% - after all, we're idiot humans. That being said, I think that part of successful Reconciliation means that you get back to a point where you can trust each other with a high enough degree that you feel generally safe.

You say you'll never trust him again. You say you want him to feel pain and be punished. These are different from just having hurt left over.

Gently, mattie, why are you still married to him? You deserve to be in a relationship where you don't feel like you're on guard. If you are not able to let go of this at this far out, why are you torturing yourself. There is no infidelity fairy. There is either healing by way of repairing the damage to your satisfaction, or by moving on from the relationship in as honorable a way as possible.

It sounds like it was a dealbreaker to you. What do you have control of here that can steer your life in a direction that will bring you peace?


annb posted 1/29/2014 14:23 PM

I came in and demanded to use his phone-he said no use your own

^^His response is way off, regardless of you getting angry or sad, he should have handed the phone to you without question. Transparency lasts a lifetime.

Have you met with a psychiatrist or counselor for a possible diagnosis of PTSD? PTSD can keep someone stuck in a cycle that is extremely difficult to break. BTDT. Just a thought.

somanyyears posted 1/29/2014 14:43 PM seem to be keeping yourself in False-R.. have not committed to healing, are holding the grudge, keeping up a wall..

..your backing away is really hurting yourself.. you miss out on his efforts..and that can't be giving him any incentive to please you.

..Does he know that you ..

still fantasize about revenge in some shape have to change your strategy if you ever hope to get over this betrayal.

..i'm close to 5 years as well and ..

there are times that I still get very angry and sad about it,

..i actively seek out intimacy from/with my W is the glue that binds us, keeps us close and 'in touch' with each other. seem determined and dedicated to getting even with your WH.. that road cannot lead to healing or R.. hold the power to change and let go..

hope you can get to a place of peace and love..


jadedheart posted 1/29/2014 15:09 PM


Gently, who is it that you trust the least, him or yourself? I have dealt with that beast. Sure you may, in the back if your mind, wonder about him from time to time, but does the anger and desire for revenge stem from your anger at yourself? Do you feel incapable of trusting your own judgement? I think that is one of the biggest wounds I have due to my fwh`s A...self doubt. For a type A personality like me that is a demon of monumental proportions. It takes professional help sometimes to slay that dragon.

coping/stuck posted 1/29/2014 20:37 PM

I am also five years out. I do the same thing. But I view it as a protective mechanism. We put up the walls when it's time to get close because the hurt comes right back at us. I agree about PTSD. Sometimes that is what's going on - you re-live the hurt so those walls have a harder time going down each time they go up. I used to describe mine as walls of granite. Mine are slowly coming down. But for some, like me, the process is taking way longer than I expected. So I'm disappointed in myself because I had this idea about who I wanted to be in this recovery and I'm not working it as well as I thought I would, which adds to all of it. There's also a saying about the bigger the betrayal, the longer the lies go one for, the longer the recovery. Depending on your situation, it could just be a hard thing. I hope you can come to terms with your own feelings and decide which direction you'd like to go in. And maybe talking about it with him will help both of you put the healing in perspective. Hugs~

mattie posted 1/30/2014 08:05 AM

Thank you all for your advice-yesterday was a frustrating day for me-there' s nothing worse than wanting to move on but you can't no mattter how hard you push yourself and you don't want to be in this place. People say let go-but how, and then I think maybe let go means let go of him, the marriage, the dream of our family, that scares me, but not being able to move on and truly put the betrayl behind me scares me as well. It's like asking would you rather be shot or stabbed -they both suck!!! you can't chose etiher without dealing with excruciating pain . I use to think I was crazy that my inability to move forward was something wrong with me, but hearing people's stories on here has helped me to see that many suffer, suffer in silence ,during family pictures, during family vacations, during intimate moments with their spouses. There have been nights we have made love and I sneak off to the bathroom to cry afterwards-an image, a thought disrupts my mood, I become so angry and frustrated with myself that I allow it to control me once again after all this time. I plan on writing my thoughts down and giving them to him today.

sisoon posted 1/30/2014 09:52 AM


What have you done to heal so far? What you've been doing hasn't worked for you, so it's time to change something. If you haven't started IC, now would be a good time to start. If you have done some IC but consider it unsuccessful, I suggest finding a different C and starting again.

Just tell any prospective C that you're still angry about your H's A and want help getting through it.

What has your H done to heal?

What have you done together to heal your M?

so_lost posted 1/30/2014 22:35 PM

I hear you mattie. I'm almost 9 years out and had a pretty bad year reeling from his A again. It had been really good but then again we were super busy with our babies. Things have calmed down kid-wise, I suffered personal losses over the past year, and then BAM I went down the road you're on right now.

My counselor told me it's easier to go back to the affair then face current issues because I know the affair very well. I know I'm allowed to be super pissed about it. Do you have any current issues with your H or M you're unintentionally disguising as affair issues?

Are you and your H connecting as a couple? Are you doing things together to re-connect? I know my H and I are in desperate need of time together without the kids.

Have you told your H it would be helpful if he didn't get defensive? Does he show remorse even now? Let him know there are people like me, 9 years out, who still struggle with loving their husbands. A fellow SIer told me to start a gratitude journal about my H. It might help you see the good, too. I think I expect my H to be perfect because it's like I can't or won't tolerate the imperfections he had prior to the A. Those imperfections are still there of course but the A makes them so much harder to accept.

Have you tried counseling or meds or exercise? Depression has definitely contributed to my downward spiral into his A again. Do you think you might be depressed, too?

Good luck to you. Please know you're not alone and don't be disappointed in your recovery.

lemony.2008 posted 1/31/2014 00:38 AM


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