Has he given me reason to doubt his honesty-not really--but I can't let him forget I will never trust him.
We had a couple counselors point out that it's not practical to trust anyone 100% - after all, we're idiot humans. That being said, I think that part of successful Reconciliation means that you get back to a point where you can trust each other with a high enough degree that you feel generally safe.
You say you'll never trust him again. You say you want him to feel pain and be punished. These are different from just having hurt left over.
Gently, mattie, why are you still married to him? You deserve to be in a relationship where you don't feel like you're on guard. If you are not able to let go of this at this far out, why are you torturing yourself. There is no infidelity fairy. There is either healing by way of repairing the damage to your satisfaction, or by moving on from the relationship in as honorable a way as possible.
It sounds like it was a dealbreaker to you. What do you have control of here that can steer your life in a direction that will bring you peace?
I came in and demanded to use his phone-he said no use your own
^^His response is way off, regardless of you getting angry or sad, he should have handed the phone to you without question. Transparency lasts a lifetime.
Have you met with a psychiatrist or counselor for a possible diagnosis of PTSD? PTSD can keep someone stuck in a cycle that is extremely difficult to break. BTDT. Just a thought.
..you have not committed to healing, ..you are holding the grudge, keeping up a wall..
..your backing away is really hurting yourself.. you miss out on his efforts..and that can't be giving him any incentive to please you.
..Does he know that you .. still fantasize about revenge in some shape
still fantasize about revenge in some shape
..you have to change your strategy if you ever hope to get over this betrayal.
..i'm close to 5 years as well and .. there are times that I still get very angry and sad about it,
there are times that I still get very angry and sad about it,
..i actively seek out intimacy from/with my W
..it is the glue that binds us, keeps us close and 'in touch' with each other.
..you seem determined and dedicated to getting even with your WH.. that road cannot lead to healing or R..
..you hold the power to change and let go..
hope you can get to a place of peace and love..
Gently, who is it that you trust the least, him or yourself? I have dealt with that beast. Sure you may, in the back if your mind, wonder about him from time to time, but does the anger and desire for revenge stem from your anger at yourself? Do you feel incapable of trusting your own judgement? I think that is one of the biggest wounds I have due to my fwh`s A...self doubt. For a type A personality like me that is a demon of monumental proportions. It takes professional help sometimes to slay that dragon.
What have you done to heal so far? What you've been doing hasn't worked for you, so it's time to change something. If you haven't started IC, now would be a good time to start. If you have done some IC but consider it unsuccessful, I suggest finding a different C and starting again.
Just tell any prospective C that you're still angry about your H's A and want help getting through it.
What has your H done to heal?
What have you done together to heal your M?
My counselor told me it's easier to go back to the affair then face current issues because I know the affair very well. I know I'm allowed to be super pissed about it. Do you have any current issues with your H or M you're unintentionally disguising as affair issues?
Are you and your H connecting as a couple? Are you doing things together to re-connect? I know my H and I are in desperate need of time together without the kids.
Have you told your H it would be helpful if he didn't get defensive? Does he show remorse even now? Let him know there are people like me, 9 years out, who still struggle with loving their husbands. A fellow SIer told me to start a gratitude journal about my H. It might help you see the good, too. I think I expect my H to be perfect because it's like I can't or won't tolerate the imperfections he had prior to the A. Those imperfections are still there of course but the A makes them so much harder to accept.
Have you tried counseling or meds or exercise? Depression has definitely contributed to my downward spiral into his A again. Do you think you might be depressed, too?
Good luck to you. Please know you're not alone and don't be disappointed in your recovery.