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Help, help! I think he abused my little girl!!

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Sorceress posted 1/29/2014 14:32 PM

She was talking about another family member and the abuse (already reported) that he put her through. Then she mentioned his name too. What do I do? Obviously, the right thing is to call the police. Even though they could easily say she was disclosing about the other family member again. I don't think she was. Police, then. Is it the best thing? For my daughter? She was traumatised by an investigation to do with another family member when she was much smaller. She is afraid of the police. She is afraid of doctors. She is very easily embarrassed, very quick to anger and become incredibly distressed and babble. She is just as likely to clam up and go almost catatonic.... Which is the lesser of these two evils? I already have a traumatised child. Do I potentially add to this and seek someone who can get to the bottom of it and get the deserved justice, knowing all the while that she may not get it? Or do I let her know she's been heard by me and that she can choose to disclose further and clearly and to tell the police only if she wants, potentially letting that awful bastard get away with something awful but not causing her further emotional distress by forcing a disclosure she may not be ready to give? Help me! I'm second guessing myself into a right state here.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 7:59 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 1/29/2014 14:37 PM

No, you don't call the police. You call the pediatrician and tell them. You call the counselor and tell them. Let THEM call the police. You don't make any accusation. None. You take your precious baby girl to the pedi or the counselor and let THEM make the accusation.

nekorb posted 1/29/2014 14:40 PM

Yep. Straight to the pediatrician. TODAY. Make them fit her in.

StillLivin posted 1/29/2014 14:43 PM

OMG I'm horrified for you and your little girl.
Yes, what the others said, take her to the doctor, immediately.
Make an apt with a counselor as well!
I am so sorry.

Sorceress posted 1/29/2014 15:28 PM

I can't do that, it's night time here, and paediatrician appointments here carry a waiting list and one to which you need to be referred by a GP- same with counsellors.

She has a school counsellor, can I use their services for this, do you think? I worry about confidentiality in their settings. I know that confidentiality isn't always the sacred code that it should be when sharing info with colleagues. I hear a lot of "don't repeat this, but...."

I just don't know how to handle this. Not again, really. Please, no more. How does this horror keep dragging us back in?? :(

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

BeHappyAgain posted 1/29/2014 15:34 PM

I would think the pediatrician would make room for an appointment for a concern like this?? If not, I would be in to the general practitioner then ASAP.

Will be thinking of you and your little girl!

Skan posted 1/29/2014 15:41 PM

Then in the morning, call your GP's office, tell the staff that you need a referral to a pediatrician ASAP and tell them why so they expedite it. Or go camp in their waiting room at the intake secretary's desk if you need to, but get that referral. Your doctor's office are mandated reporters too (at least in the US he is) so the minute that you tell staff, they should start jumping through hoops to get your daughter seen. I'd also see if I could find a councilor whose expertise is in sexual abuse and ask for a referral to them as well.

Do please talk to the school councilor. Tell them exactly what you told us that your daughter came to you and asked if she could tell you a secret. Ask them if they know of anyone that you can take her to see who has experience in sexual abuse. And make sure to let them know that the ONLY persons that you authorize them to talk to about this matter is the police or a professional conciliar for the sole purpose of referring your daughter for help because your daughter has been traumatized enough.

I am so damned sorry. Honestly, I have rarely wished for someone's unpleasant and painful demise as much as I have that POS sperm donor that you were unfortunate enough to encounter.

Nature_Girl posted 1/29/2014 15:49 PM

You need to dig deep and bury your fear. It's crippling you. You need to be angry. Really, really angry.

You need to be able to face your daughter in the future and tell her you did everything in your power to protect her and seek justice for her. If you don't act now and bring the full force of the law down on this bastard's head, you'll never forgive yourself. Further, you won't be able to look your daughter in the eye. You may not be able to face yourself in the mirror, either.

You call whoever, whatever doctor you need to call and tell them you need an emergency appointment. Tell them why. When speaking with the doctor you emphasize that you have not coerced your daughter, you have only had this conversation with her the one time and are now taking immediate action. If your doctor, whatever doctor, fluffs you off, then you need to contact whatever authority is in charge of protecting children in your area.

You're right. This is going to be a nightmare. Yes, your baby is going to be further traumatized. SHE'S ALREADY BEING TRAUMATIZED IN A MORE HORRIFIC WAY BY HER FATHER. There's nothing worse that's going to happen to her than what her father has already done. She is a little girl, she cannot understand what has to be done by you & others to keep her safe. Unless you intend to take her on the run & hide somewhere internationally, how else will you keep her safe unless you move forward with the doctors and the law?


jadedheart posted 1/29/2014 15:51 PM

Oh honey!! I know you don't live in the US but if you have access to a hospital ER or something similar take her there and maybe they can help. I work in an ER and if a parent brings a child in for possible abuse of any kind we call the police to make a report, child services, and make referrals to a children's hospital for further treatment. Call any healthcare provider you can until someone helps you. In the US we are required by law as healthcare workers to report any suspected abuse no matter if it happened yesterday or 10 years ago. Don't give up until someone helps you. Your sweet baby girl and you will be in my heart.

Sorceress posted 1/29/2014 15:56 PM

Thanks guys, and Nature Girl- there is no contact with him and has not been for a long time. He is a bad man. So she's carried this inside until she felt safe to release it. She is only in primary school. My poor little girl.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:01 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Softcentre posted 1/29/2014 15:59 PM

Go to the out of hours doc, or to A&E. It's very important that you don't talk to her anymore about this so you can't be accused of teaching her what to say (if she brings it up, listen but don't ask questions). You also need to write down,right now,exactly what she said and what you said. The docs know how to handle this and it needs to be them that call the police.

Sending you both lots of ((hugs))

Dreamland posted 1/29/2014 22:34 PM

Oh my poor dear... Send peace and love to you and your precious Daughter. Just hold her and tell her you love her and thank her for sharing with you. Call the pediatrician and explain. I am sure they have procedures in place for this.
Good luck ...

UnexpectedSong posted 1/29/2014 23:59 PM

my daughter has a urinary issue and often needs changing and cleaning up-

Urinary issues are often caused by sexual abuse.

Ostrich80 posted 1/30/2014 01:05 AM

Urinary issues are often caused by sexual abuse[/quote
This stuck out to me too...I've heard this before

Can you take her to an ER if the ped won't take her in Tmoro?

Stay calm so your able to think clearly and so she doesn't get upset. Praying for you and your babies.

Cally60 posted 1/30/2014 01:31 AM

You don't need to go directly to a paediatrician - your GP will do for a start. Phone, or go to the surgery first thing in the morning and stress that you need a same-day appointment. They are sure to reserve at least a few appointments, or have walk-in times, for urgent appointments - especially for children.

Don't take no for an answer. If they say there are no appointments left, tell them that your daughter needs an appointment today and ask what you should do. If they tell you that you'll have to come at the end of the surgery and simply wait, then tell them that's what you'll do, because your daughter has to be seen today. (I once did this in the US. I was told that if I absolutely had to, I could come in and just wait, perhaps a long time. But I was actually seen very quickly. I think they used the warning about the long wait as a way of weeding out the people whose need was less urgent than they claimed.)

I'm so sorry for your daughter's suffering and your own pain. :-(

[This message edited by Cally60 at 1:33 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Twitchy posted 1/30/2014 06:18 AM

This type of pain is unimaginable. But there isn't time for that right now.

Its time to show your daughter exactly how much you love her. You are on a mission. Whatever it takes, get her into whomever in you area can document the abuse.

Doctor, nurse, police, social worker. Whoever you need to.

Let her see that you believe her and that you will move mountains to act on what's told you. Rip down iron bars with you teeth if that's what t takes. Keep pushing. Tell them why your pushing. It wont be long until you find someone who'll realize this is more important than red tape and help.

I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 6:21 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

TheTooGoodWife posted 1/30/2014 06:39 AM

(((Sorceress and daughter)))

Sorceress I was abused from the age of 5 till 16, I became a fearful, painfully shy, introverted, distrusting woman. According to IC I chose, subconciously, to marry a man that treated me the same way my abusers did. It was because I had already developed the coping abilities for that type of behaviour and could "cope" with being treated the way WH treated me, it was "normal". "Rather the devil you know than the one you don't eh??!!" When WH confessed to his A I immediately became very, very angry (to this day I have not shed that many tears but have been and still am very angry) and when I started IC they told me it was all the rage that had been building from the age of 5 that I had never expressed and dealt with that was tipped over by the A.

I had to finally face my demons and replace these coping abilities with healthier ones. I have changed so much that I sometimes scare myself but it took 40 years and WH's A to finally accept that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! My parents never knew of the abuse and as such I never got therapy for it until I started IC for the A and pre / post A marital abuse and they referred me to a psychotherapist to deal with the abuse. So 2 lots of therapists. There are many side issues that stemmed from my abuse as well, morbid obesity, fear of success, wanting to be invisible, agoraphobia, claustrophobia, OCD behaviours in certain areas of my life, fear of loss of control, fear and distaste of sex yet wanting it, suppression of passion in all areas of life, I am highly intelligent but was terrified of it because it might make me stand out, I am really pretty but dressed ugly and got very fat and found other ways to detract from it...this is just the tip of the iceberg though and it is hard and terrifying work to break 40 yr old habits that were put in place to keep me safe and in control of myself and my environment. WH's A ripped all this away from me and now I have to face them ALL, tough thing to do at 45.

Gently as I can...Please, please see a GP / Child Psychologist so that you daughter can start therapy now or she will more than likely, based on the trend I see on SI and in my personal life, become a member of SI in the future. I can tell you right now that your fear you are feeling now is just a drop of what is going on and will be going on with your D in the future. With tears in my eyes...please don't rugsweep this!!!

ETA: I wet my bed until I was 16 just to keep me safe at night, I remained a virgin until I was 30 as I was absolutely terrified of ANY form of physical or emotional intimacy. If any adult male(other than my dad, I was safe with him) stood too close to me I would physically ache and start cold sweating. To this day I struggle with being touched by anyone other than my kids. I started sucking my thumb (still do when very stressed) and got lost in books just to shut the human race out. Too much noise and activity and I start becoming anxious and irritable and have a desperate need to escape. I have learnt over the years to suppress all these reactions or I would never have been able to finish school, start working, make friends, get married and have kids.

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 6:50 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

gahurts posted 1/30/2014 08:45 AM


If I read your post correctly, your DD is no longer in physical danger. She hasn't had any contact at all for 18 months, right? It took her this long before she felt comfortable saying something. Is that correct?

Please get her an appointment to start working with a child psycologist and get her examined by a GP and/or a pediatrician but I do not see the need to bust down all doors to do it in the next 10 seconds. Make the appointment. If they can get you in today then great. If it is in the next week, try to push a little to get her in but don't panic if they can't or won't. The reason I am saying this is that your little girl is scared and embarrased now. If you take her someplace so she can talk to someone to get help she needs to understand how this is good for her. I worry that if you push too hard and let her hear the emotion in your voice that it might traumatize her further. It is important that you move forward with getting her treatment but after this much time an extra day or two so that she is comfortable with moving forward is critical I think.

I know I am not saying this right and I do apologize for that. I just know that sometimes how we as adults react/respond can cuase as much emoton as the original issue. I know your daughter was afraid to tell you this. I just hope that she isn't further rattled by suddenly seeing all these experts who are treating something that happened over a year ago as a immediate emergency.

I am so sorry that she went through all this and that you are having to deal with it.

Nature_Girl posted 1/30/2014 09:57 AM

I agree with gahurts, now that I know that your ex hasn't seen your daughter in 18 months and won't be seeing her again, this is not the emergency situation I thought it was based on your original post.

I do still think you need to contact your pediatrician and get a referral to a counselor. I do still think this needs to be addressed with the counselor ASAP, that she needs professional help to process this. I do still think that ultimately this needs to be reported to the authorities and your ex held accountable.

Charity411 posted 1/30/2014 10:04 AM

(((((Sorceress)))) TheTooGoodWife is spot on. I completely understand your fear but for your daughters sake you must rise above it. You have gotten great advice here.

After my divorce my 6 year old daughter began acting strangely. She was suddenly bed wetting, sucking her thumb and went from being a sweet little girl to a bully in school. Because my twin sister was sexually abused by my much older brother from age 8 to 12, I could see the signs in my daughter. So I told my ex that we needed to get her into counseling immediately. We did take her and after the first session the counselor was convince it was sexual abuse. A school teacher also suspected it.

My ex went nuts. The logical assumption for who would have done anything to her was OWs oldest son, who had just had a DCFS investigation for suspicion of sexually abusing his own little sister, who was a couple years younger than my daughter. Because of this I was labeled the paranoid ex-wife who was trying to destroy my ex and OWs new family. He refused to let her go to anymore counseling sessions.

My daughter finally told me about it and who it was when she was 18. It was her grandfather. And he swore if she told she'd never see grandma again, whom she loved dearly. She only told me then because her grandma had passed away and the secret didn't matter anymore. I watched my daughter self destruct over those years and into her 20s. I so wish I had fought harder to keep her in counseling. I carry that regret with me everyday. Take the good advice you've gotten here and avoid what I live with. You won't be sorry.

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