Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Why did I do this?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

rekindle posted 1/29/2014 15:56 PM

BH was searching through my Youtube searches and discovered that I looked up OM's songs 7 months ago and 12 months ago (5 and 10 months prior to TTing 2 months ago). I have had NO contact with OM in 4 years since DDay and swore to BH that I have had no contact and have not searched him. Obviously the last part was untrue, but I have no recollection whatsoever of searching the song and I have no idea why I would even do such a stupid thing. He keeps asking me why and I just don't even have an answer. Understandably, he believes nothing I say, but especially not even the most important part about NC for 4 yrs.

Why the hell did I do this? Have any other WS done something similar and figured out a reason with counseling? I had no physical attraction to the guy, I feel nothing but contempt over him and the whole OEA.

[This message edited by rekindle at 3:57 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

rekindle posted 1/30/2014 01:26 AM

Any input please?

authenticnow posted 1/30/2014 06:51 AM

I don't know, I think it will take some deep digging and brutal honesty with yourself to figure it out. IC IC IC!

Occasionally I'll think of an old male friend, or even boyfriend, and think, I wonder how he's doing. But, I don't look them up. It's a matter of being firm in your boundaries. I ask myself, 'What will come of my looking him up?' I know I won't cheat again but in the scheme of my life, is it really necessary to look up a random guy who has no place in my life anymore?

Looking up songs is breaking emotional NC. To your BH, the NC has been broken and it hasn't been four years.

Finally, you HAVE TO stop lying. You can't leave anything out. Full transparency and truth 100% of the time.

rekindle posted 1/30/2014 07:00 AM

Thank you for the comment. I contacted a psychologist yesterday to schedule a consultation. Hopefully I can get in soon and really start to work on the changes that I need. I truly did not knowingly lie about looking up the song. I did truly forget about doing so and I can't even answer why I did because I don't remember doing so or what was going through my head.

You explained it well when you said I broke emotional NC. BH is furious with this new discovery and our chance at R is rockier than before. I feel awful and pray we can recover from this.

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/30/2014 07:09 AM

rekindle - Obviously the last part was untrue, but I have no recollection whatsoever of searching the song and I have no idea why I would even do such a stupid thing ..

Like AN said, the fact that you did do this, even if you can't remember the incidents, means you are guilty of breaking emotional NC. See the post on creating Indifference.

Think of it from your BS's perspective. You invested time and energy into the search. That would make it seem that you either still have feelings for the OM or you are still seeking the high of the A. Either way, you can't have reached emotional indifference.

In fact, if you really don't recall any details of when and how you breached NC, it would seem that your actions were more sub-conscious choices than a conscious decision and that is more worrisome. Not recalling details seems to indicate you were operating on automatic pilot, so to speak, letting your inner desires control your actions. Again, if this is the case, its a sure sign you are still holding onto something from the A which may benefit from examination in IC.


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves - Henry David Thoreau

rekindle posted 1/30/2014 07:30 AM

Hufi, that makes a lot of sense. I read the post about emotional indifference. Step 3 truly resonated with me,

STEP 3 Ė Focus on your BS - Make a purposeful shift of your mental focus to your SO and your marriage. Most people only have room for one thing at a time and if your SO is taking up the space, then the AP canít come and take up space. Remind yourself daily of your commitment to your BS.

I didn't give my BH 100% of my focus. I think the reason the AP even had space in my mind is because I lied about the OEA for so long (TTing started 2 months ago, so the searches went on during lying period) so my mind was still holding onto him and the affair. Does that make sense? I have nothing but contempt for the OM, for myself and for how he helped to enable this knowing I was engaged, so I don't have any positive feelings for him or the A to relive. I do think it was sort of automatic because he had a place in my mind due to the continued lies. Does that seem possible?

[This message edited by rekindle at 7:32 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.