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Is it possible to save your marriage if he doesn't admit it?

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Kygirl posted 1/29/2014 20:17 PM

I have a lot of "circumstantial evidence" that my hysband
Had an affair with a female coworker. Although we have come a long way. We are still hitting a wall. He says he is sorry for hurting me, not putting me first, etc....but he does not admit to any inappropriate relationship what so ever. I feel like I need validation for the pain and suffering. I need to know the source...before I can even think of trusting again. What are your experiences? Have any of you been able to move forward without knowing???

karmahappens posted 1/29/2014 21:02 PM

Well it appears you know. ... but he is still lying. There no moving forward until he gets real and owns his actions.

If he says nothing happened what is he so sorry about?

Kygirl posted 1/29/2014 21:15 PM

He is sorry for treating me poorly, contining the relationship with coworker even though he knew how much it hurt me, for criticizing me, pushing me away.....after a couple of years of me accusing him of cheating. He tells me he wasnt chatting in the bathroom.....he was looking at porn. Well, why didnt you just say so, I never cared if you looked at porn before. he never hid it before( he didnt announce it, but would not lie about it). So, now his excuse is he is a porn addict. But, he still looks at it, (not in the bathroom as much since she stopped working their...coincedence), he does not seek counseling, support group, report any unnusual behavior, no money spent on porn....only free sites....

LearningToFly posted 1/29/2014 22:12 PM

If he says he is addicted to porn you might want to read THE PORN TRAP. I haven't read it but our MC told my WS to read it because porn has really affected his thinking and behavior. It has caused a lot of problems in our marriage that have nothing to do with how uncomfortable I have been with him using it and everything to do with how unable we are to connect. I have been told to read it too by my IC because she sees trauma his use has caused me by how he responds to normal love making. (He needs manual stimulation now to climax.)

If he doesn't think he did anything wrong, yet you are hurt by his behavior, does he plan to continue hurting you with the behavior he doesn't think is wrong?

Scubachick posted 1/29/2014 23:05 PM

Same situation here. I don't believe my husband because he wouldn't have hid it unless there was something to hide. I move forward and then I go backwards. Then forwards...then back.

Kygirl posted 1/30/2014 07:00 AM

That's where I am......i only got the "porn addiction" thought from him after a year of pestering him about cheating with a coworker and chatting in the bathroom. Then he throws this "I wasnt cheating....i was looking at porn....she is just a friend"
Since then I have been up and down. Did he cheat...was it porn? He still looks at porn...never stopped...yet his behavior stopped.

atsenaotie posted 1/30/2014 07:07 AM

If he is not admitting what he did, then how does he go about identifying his whys and fixing his issues? If he is witholding such a big truth, what hope does this offer for an emotionally intimate relationship in the future?

...contining the relationship with coworker even though he knew how much it hurt me, for criticizing me, pushing me away.....

So he did have an A, he is just not admitting that a years long EA also included a physical side. At best he is a porn addict who had a years long emotional affair and yet he does not seek any counseling to fix his issues.

You cannot make him be honest and transparent with you, all you can do is decide what you are willing to accept or not accept from your spouse. For me, while I do not know everything, I did need FWW to own and acknowledge the big pieces of her A before I was willing to consider R.

Kygirl posted 1/30/2014 15:06 PM

It really breaks my heart to know that he not only went out side the marriage and treated me soooooo poorly. But, is willing to give up everything before he will admit to an affair of any kind??? That is what kind of person I chose to spend 20 years of my life with????

Morhurt posted 1/30/2014 15:30 PM

In all likely hood he is very, very scared to admit the truth to you. He probably thinks that hiding the truth is protecting the marriage.

Have you read about the 180 in the healing library? Maybe that would help you feel stronger and detach from him a bit so you can have perspective.

Have you guys read "Not Just Friends"? Even a platonic relationship can be an affair.

Joseph's letter?

Until he owns what he did (and stops, as in, no more porn, NC etc.) you can't move forward.

((Kygirl))

Simple posted 1/30/2014 16:18 PM

Answer: No.

Please don't make the same mistake I did. I have really thought that my H cheated on me before we were married and I brought it up in counseling, etc. and he denied, denied, denied. I felt it was just me and my background with my father being a cheater. I let it go.

7 years later, I found out that truth. More than 1, hell it's double digits of women that he cheated on me with when we were dating, while engaged, married, etc. If I had forced that issue a long time ago, we would've dealt with the problem right there and then instead of having 7 years of crap on top of more crap. He thought he can stop cheating all by himself. He finally realized he can't do that without admitting what he had done. Just like in alcoholics anonymous or in Christian ways, you have to confess and admit what you did wrong, be honest with yourself and those you have wronged before you can move on.

My FWH finally learned and we're in 6+ year R now with our marriage feeling like an actual marriage.

Kygirl posted 1/30/2014 19:13 PM

Thank you so much for your help....I will look up the books and start to at least work on me...

atsenaotie posted 1/31/2014 10:54 AM

Kygirl, speaking of books; Sexual Detours by Hines really helped me to understand the relationship dynamics in FWW's As.

Kygirl posted 1/31/2014 12:00 PM

I let my husband review these messages and after a lot of more denial, denial, denial.....I got somewhat of a breakthrough. He said...." I remember REALLY hating you during that time." " I dont know why I went to seek her out when I hadnt heard from her" "I enjoyed her company". "Maybe I was emotionally connected to her at some level....I dont know" "I never had thoughts of having an affair or thought if her sexually..." " she was just peaceful to be around" "we had similar personalities".......what do you make of this?

LA44 posted 1/31/2014 12:12 PM

((kygirl)) Good for you for pushing. If it doesn't feel right to you, it probably isn't.

You both need to read, Not Just Friends and then discuss it chapter by chapter.

I mean really. Do you have a guy friend whom you share with? Find peace with? Similar personality traits? If I ever got to know another man THAT well then I guess I am not really invested in my M am I?


Lovedyoumore posted 1/31/2014 12:16 PM

Even if this is the truth and he did nothing else, he was having an A. He went outside your marriage for a relationship. This is not a friendship. At the very least he was looking for emotional soothing from someone else, not his wife. If they hide their talks from you, were together without your knowledge, communicated frequently and talked about personal, intimate marriage issues, then they had an A. His lack of empathy for your needs and minimizing should tell you something.

I could not move forward. He says he hated you? What brought that on? It sounds as if you have a lot of communicating to do, but without him rebuilding trust, how would you know if he was being authentic? He has built a wall of his own making and only he can tear it down.

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