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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: His reasons for having the affair
Sunset22
♀ 42025
Member # 42025
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH gave me these reasons so far:
"I felt like you didn't love me anymore".
"I felt like you didn't find me attractive anymore".
I felt like you didn't want to make love to me anymore."
"I guess I just wanted the attention. She said all the things I wanted to hear. She gave me comfort".
"She was my back-up".

- He can't say I don't love him anymore because I've been taking care of him (doing his laundry, making him meals, taking care of our home and children etc.) PLUS we talked about renewing our wedding vows the whole time the affair was going on! I included him in future plans - I told him I wanted us to go on trips etc.
- I complimented him now and then about him being my "handsome hubby" so he can't say I don't find him attractive anymore.
- Don't know what to say about the sex issue. He was always the one that initiated it. In reality I felt he was the one not attracted to me anymore. He keeps reminding me that I'm still desirable and everything, I'm even prettier than the OW etc.
- I don't know what attention he wanted. I told him I was proud of him all the time and thanked him for working hard for our family.
- I don't know what he meant when he said she was his back-up. He admits he didn't see her in his future at all, he didn't want a back-up wife.

My heart refuses to understand why this happened. No reason is making any sense to me.


DDay - December 2013 and January 2014

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No reason is making any sense to me.

because there IS no reason good enough. They're all excuses...

And him saying that he felt like you..... those are actually really bad excuses and blameshifting. Please don't take them personally and like you didn't do something right. It's all on him.

Is he in IC?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5775 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't even listen to his dribble right now.

The reasons he quoted all reflect on you. How nice of him to not do any work and think he can pass these excuses off on your shoulders.

Tell him to get real and start digging.

The whys are never really acceptable, but it makes the puzzle easier to put together.

His whys, don't fit at all.

You know better.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
KatieG
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just shows doesn't it that if he had addressed these concerns with you in real time you could have responded, but he denied you the opportunity to reassure him and chose to act on his own.

I was reading about excuses vs justifications, and these sound like justifications to me so it may be that you are wasting your breath trying to defend yourself, he has told himself it was ok because of these reasons. PLUS a lot of them seem to blame you!


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 514 | Registered: Nov 2013
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll back up rachelc -- this is all absurd blameshifting. These are not reasons, they're excuses, exactly as she said. It's pretty common for WSs to start out like this -- they really, really don't want to dig and start to realize what assholes they've really been. They will do ANYTHING to avoid that!

These answers aren't good enough. WHY did he want/need the attention? What's wrong with him that he's such a sponge for it? (Another analogy is that he's a bucket with a hole in it -- you keep pouring in attention and love, but if there's a hole there, it'll never fill the bucket.) Why did he not reach out to you? These are questions he needs to work through in IC.

The "answer" is usually that your WH has some deep wound/insecurity that he just can't deal with in a healthy way, so he's seeking somehow to explain/sooth that wound. The easiest thing is to blame the M and you, and to find someone else to make him happy. Well, having sex usually makes people happy! Affairs are fun! So that works for a bit, but usually they just make things worse over the longer run. The wound is still there.

He has to figure out what HIS wound is and he has to admit that he's powerless in the face of it. This is scary for a lot of people, and men in particular are allergic to this kind of "psychobabble". He also has to identify his behaviors and beliefs that led him to cheat. (Weak boundaries, hanging out with people who are not FOM.) It's a rough process, but if he's not up for it, he'll never be safe for you.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what, Sunset?

Being complimented and desired and wanted and loved by your spouse is very fulfilling and satisfying.

Being wanted and desired and complimented by someone NEW and DIFFERENT who isn't your spouse is sometimes too intoxicating for some people to ignore.

Sure, in a perfect world you would dedicate all your time and effort into continually feeding his pitiful little ego so he'd always be 'full' and not tempted to fall for the first woman who compliments him and makes him feel wanted. But alas, REAL life tends to take over when we're busy making plans.

You're having a hard time understanding because I think you may be looking at this as, "why did he do this to ME?" He didn't 'do' it to anyone - he was merely soaking up the ego strokes just as fast as she could toss them to him because it had everything to do with HIM.

Affairs are some of the most selfish things one can engage in. It's ALWAYS all about them.

Don't allow yourself to start thinking you drove him to it simply because his damned ego needed stroking. I'm sure yours did too, but you didn't choose the sleazy way of getting it.

THAT'S the difference.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
PhoenixRisen
35912
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Complete blameshifting
Delete the "I feel like" and "i guess" to really hear his excuses. Count the # of "you"s, "I"s, and "she"s

you didn't love me
you didn't find me attractive
you didn't want to make love
I just wanted the attention
She said all the things
She gave me comfort.

You: 3
I: 1
she: 2

BLAMESHIFTING


Until he owns his behavior, he doesn't get it. And he won't be able to work with you to R. until then dont offer him your gift (because it IS a gift) of reconciliation


Posts: 510 | Registered: Jun 2012
Gotmegood
♀ 41407
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to echo others with the statement Do Not Accept the blame that his statements are trying to pin on you. You know them not to be true; you did love him and want him to be your husband.
It seems quite common to hear this sort of answer in the beginning, and looking at your DDay, this is indeed the beginning for you.
When I received these sorts of reasons for my WH's choices I used them as a starting point to get him to do some real self analysis. "I felt like you ......, so I SELFISHLY decided to...." ....was the first step for me to get him to see beyond the sort of thinly veiled 'it's kind of your fault that I felt so lonely and empty that I betrayed you". Sadly, whatever answers you get will never make it go away. They will never make you okay that it happened. They will not ever lessen the enormity of your trauma.
What the *why* will give you is the knowledge that your husband's coping skills are immature, self-centered, self-gratifying, and capable of great pain; and he needs to acknowledge that and own that.
It sucks big time, and I'm so sorry that you find yourself here too.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 546 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunset Honey, these are NOT reasons why, this is shallow self centered, blameshifting dribble. This in other words is heaping pile of dog shit.

YOU absolutely HAVE to call him out on it.
I remember my H saying at one point
"It felt like you don't need me anymore."
I told him that was bullshit. I didn't NEED you when I married you, I didn't NEED you when I dated you. I CHOSE you, and if you think I am still here because I NEED you that is just sad. I am here because I WANT to be, because prior to your A you made me happy, you made me laugh, you valued our relationship. So you need to go back and figure out why being NEEDED is your reason. WHY is NEED the issue? Dig deeper.

He did. He figured out his whys it took a while, and it certainly wasn't happening when he was still in the fog.

My recommendation to you is to push him to dig deeper. Many times when they start to give "reasons" that are crappy like the ones he gave you, responding to WHY did you feel that way? What did you do about it?

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8898 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
silentscream13
♀ 41693
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH gave me these reasons so far:
"I felt like you didn't love me anymore".
"I felt like you didn't find me attractive anymore".
I felt like you didn't want to make love to me anymore."
"I guess I just wanted the attention. She said all the things I wanted to hear. She gave me comfort".

((((Sunset22))))

My WH said all of these things to me also.

They are not reasons.

They are justifications and excuses.

If he is not in it and he truly wants to R, he needs to get his rear-end into IC and find out his true reasons so he doesn't do it again.


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13); 4 kids
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (planning it b/f he got caught) w/ EX-GF; extreme porn use our entire relationship.
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
Status: He wants to R. Me? Meh.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this with my WH, too. He has been doing great and we are seemingly on the right path, but everytime I get stuck in the "why" and want that answer, he says because we were having problems or he was lost and didn't know what he wanted. He also says a lot of crap was going on at home with me. I told him that is NO EXCUSE!! He says that is how he felt at that time. I can't decide if he is honest or blameshifting. Really don't know. Bottom line: the BS is never the cause or reason for an A.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1312 | Registered: Dec 2013
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very few situations allow us to lay blame on the action or inaction of another person that will negate how we acted in return. Neither the judge, the jury, nor Jesus will let that ride. And you shouldnt either.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
dutchboy
♂ 40992
Member # 40992
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The original list of reason is almost verbatim the list of "whys" that I've heard and my responses have felt very similar to Sunset22. My situation is complicated by the fact that my WW came to me plenty of times with those issues (I need attention, affection, closeness, etc) prior to the A. For us, it's added an element of "you knew I needed all those things and your attempts to meet those needs were too short lived." We even went to two different counselors over a four year period (including while the first A was ongoing) to try to work on those things. Both times, we basically stopped after a handful of sessions presumably because she felt better.

I have FOO issues that contribute to me being a more introverted person and I have consistently had problems stating what I've needed in the relationship or being utterly honest for fear of angering my wife.

I think that the "whys" I've been given that Sunset listed have been legit issues in our relationship. Now I realize that they were not solely my responsibility nor are the reason my WW chose to have an affair. We are currently separated and recently started MC. It is incredibly difficult for me to try to work on my failings in the relationship or even discuss them in counseling when my wife sees those failings as the root cause of our marriage problems and the affair.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are reasons and there are excuses.

All of these are excuses - rationalizing destructive behavior after the fact.

There is no reason to step outside a marriage. Yes there are bad marriages. Bad marriages can be worked on, fixed or ended.

The decisions and actions involved in an entering an affair are completely separate from anything to do with a marriage whether it's a good or bad marriage.

And I am weary of those who pretend otherwise.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
veronique12
♀ 42185
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H gave me all of those reasons for his A too. While I agree that these are excuses and he shifted blame onto me, those were his legitimate feelings and my H did make them known to me before the A. But the A was the WORST way to deal with our problems. H did tell me he was feeling unloved and we did halfheartedly try MC, though it didn't go anywhere bc we obviously weren't ready to deal with our problems in an honest way. But never did he tell me that he thought our M was over and that he wanted to leave me. He never gave me a real choice between fixing our M or divorcing. And that is the BS and cowardice of the A. When a WS chooses to pursue an A, they must know they are crossing a line of no return. The M as it has been is destroyed. However it shakes out in the end, whether R or D, is another story. In my case, I truly believe that H was using the A as a stepping stone to gather the courage to leave, though H denies this. He clearly was building up a wall and detached enough from me that while it was going on I could feel his contempt for me. But when the A was exposed he crumbled and is now working hard to keep me. I'm learning that there's a lot of gray area and in my more open moments (i.e., not in my many fits of rage) I can see the path to how we got here. But the decision for have the A rests squarely on H's shoulders and has ultimately destroyed our M as we knew it. My hope for R is that we can build something stronger and that we can achieve real communication.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
BrokenMomof2
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah those are not reasons at all. His reason isnt anything about YOU! Its about HIM! Ugh, I hate it when they pull that crap.
Has he been going to IC or MC? He's got alot of work to do. Like so many people have said, the problems in the marriage are 50/50, but the affair is 100% his issue and he needs to own it. He had every oportunity to talk to you about how he felt, IF he really did feel unloved or unattractive and he chose the cowards way to deal with it.

My WH did the same thing for a week, then his fog started to lift and he has never said it again.

I told him that was bullshit. I didn't NEED you when I married you, I didn't NEED you when I dated you. I CHOSE you, and if you think I am still here because I NEED you that is just sad. I am here because I WANT to be, because prior to your A you made me happy, you made me laugh, you valued our relationship. So you need to go back and figure out why being NEEDED is your reason

Right on Tushnurse! I said the same thing to my WH.

I hope he pulls his head out of his butt soon.
((Sunset22))


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him that was bullshit. I didn't NEED you when I married you, I didn't NEED you when I dated you. I CHOSE you, and if you think I am still here because I NEED you that is just sad. I am here because I WANT to be, because prior to your A you made me happy, you made me laugh, you valued our relationship. So you need to go back and figure out why being NEEDED is your reason

OH MY DAMN!!! This is it!!! Im saving this!!! These are the words that are perfect for my situation too!


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Kyrie
♀ 41825
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Everyone, for the wisdom given in this thread. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear these things myself today. Even though my H is such a different, better man in every regard and R is going beautifully, the reality is he once said and thought these things. You can't un-hear them, even if he now admits it's all bull.

I am so very grateful for each one of you. I could go on and on about everyone's comment - each one validates me in one way or another. Sunset, this is good stuff - print it out and revisit it often. (((everyone)))


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Sunset22
♀ 42025
Member # 42025
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for all the responses. I'm going to be reading them later to my WH. Did you know he even videotaped himself saying those "reasons" because he said I should watch it whenever I wonder why it happened. Sounds like he was getting tired of saying the same things over and over. Well I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks they were excuses or justifications. Thank you again!


DDay - December 2013 and January 2014

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
Justgreatnews
♂ 41666
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those reasons MUST be tatooed inside every wayward's eyelids! Almost verbatim from my wife. I am a little surprised a man would use the same ones, though.

Me, attention, me, compliments, me. That's the crux. Then they also imagine the rejection, feeling unloved, etc so that can rack up more me, me, me attention and compliments.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 20

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