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She11ybeanz posted 1/30/2014 09:05 AM

So....I am scraping by this month so I can afford the registration fee to get my daughter into daycare starting next week....AND my pay is getting docked for missing some work last week and not having enough sick/vacation time to cover it AND still working overtime over the weekend.... so I'm getting less on this paycheck!I've had two friends approach me and tell me that I should see someone for my depression and get put on medication because they have never seen me so down and hopeless before......sobbing all the time and sad.

My therapist doesn't believe in meds....but when I told her that I KNEW I was extremely depressed by all the family drama lately....and the only thing that keeps me from driving into the median of the major highway that I leave from work every single day is knowing that my daughter needs me and I love her so much that I could never do that to her; my therapist actually recommended that I talk to my doctor about meds for just a little while to get me "over this hump."

My daughter is my reason for living. I know that I will get a ton of 2x4's for this and I fully expect it. But, I'm just being brutally honest with everyone. I've had terrible thoughts... terrible horrible embarrassingly raw thoughts of ending things because they have gotten seemingly and progressively worse over the past few years.....

I know that the actions and decisions I have made of late.....remaining single....moving in with dad....putting Piper in daycare....taking her away from sister... paying off my debt....will all inevitably improve my life....and hopefully turn things around for me....and I'm trying my best to focus on those things.

But lately.....between me having to do more "pee-on" work at my job making me feel less important (my self-worth being tied to my career) and all of the family drama and losing my sister, my mom, my XWH, Piper's father and parents.... all makes me blame myself. I'm the common denominator here....and all of these people have poofed from my life....and its so hard for me not to blame myself for it all. Even though I know that's insane....and crazy to even conceive that.

I'm just putting this all out there...so that I don't keep these thoughts bottled up inside.... I just need someone to listen.... even if I get inevitably fussed at for thinking this way. I know I deserve it.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:19 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

StillLivin posted 1/30/2014 09:12 AM

No 2x4s. What you have been through and are still going through, anybody would get depressed.
The important thing, you are reaching out for help.
This is no comfort now, but these things will make you stronger one day. You will look back and even have a laugh about some stuff.
The common denominator is that you have FOO and are surrounded by unworthy people. I promise, as you continue putting one foot in front of the other, and little by little exorcise these toxic people out of your life, there WILL be a light and a rainbow at the end of this very long tunnel.
But it first starts with working on your self worth and self esteem.
I couldn't even imagine today having the kind of friends I had in the past when my self worth and self esteem were so little.
Shelly, dear, keep taking care of you. Keep moving forward. You will have light and love. You just have to get through this crap first.
I, and others are so proud of the woman you are becoming. I've seen your posts from when I first joined. You don't see the strength and improvement because you are tired and beat down right now. But, you are significantly stronger than you were since I've been a member.
Please, just hang in there, honey. You have SOOOO much going for you in your future. You really do. Rest and cry as you need to. Then wipe those tears.
Prayers, hugs, and serenity!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 9:13 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Spirit13 posted 1/30/2014 09:15 AM

Shelly,

All I can say is I wish I could help you more than with advice. Hang in there and keep sloggin through day by day. What you are feeling is understandable and you are doing the right thing. Piper will admire you as she grows for the strong woman and example you are.

Don't give up!

Hugs.

nutmegkitty posted 1/30/2014 09:19 AM

There are MANY really effective antidepressants that have gone generic and are only $4 for a month's supply. If it's at all possible, please DO talk to your doc about getting something to get you over the hump. It's not good that you are having these thoughts, although I do understand completely - BTDT and got the meds.

Hang in there girlie. One day, one hour at a time if you need to.

She11ybeanz posted 1/30/2014 09:24 AM

Thank you......ya'll made me cry....but in a good way.....(heck I cry 50% of my day anyways! ) I hate being so emotional all the time...you would think I was preggo again! But, with being on the bus 2 years...I know that's impossible!!! No immaculent conception here....

Thank you for the support. I don't like having these thoughts or feeling this way....and I don't have any time at work to take to go to the doctor....or the money for the copay and all of that crap that goes along with it right now honestly.... I'm at work sick right now.....green gunk and all because I have NO TIME to be off at home resting. My daughter gave me her cold and I used up all my time to take care of her...

I am not a selfish person...and I know suicide is a VERY selfish act and I know I'm probably not even capable of it. I usually care too much for others and neglect myself....which is how I got to this place to begin with.....

I'm trying as best I can....but some days are harder than others.....

StillLivin posted 1/30/2014 09:31 AM

Of course you are want to give up, honey, you are exhausted. We are at our worst when we are exhausted.
Try to take care of yourself instead of expending so much energy worrying about stupid people and their stupid shit.
Get rest, get meds, and get good nutrition.

Crescita posted 1/30/2014 09:41 AM

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Things will get better eventually, and if you need medications to help you through, that is what they are made for.

She11ybeanz posted 1/30/2014 10:15 AM

Is it bad that I haven't worked out much in the last few weeks?? Just so much on my plate. I did 2 miles on Tuesday...but it was like the hardest 2 miles of my life. I'm gonna try to run with my group on Saturday...but my main excuse is the this darn cold....its nasty....I'm so congested and feel awful. I just can't bring myself to go to the gym tonight.... and I know part of it is the depression....

But, at least I'm making myself do it some ....despite preferably hibernating until 2015....

Amazonia posted 1/30/2014 10:28 AM

In some studies, exercise has actually been shown to be as effective as pills for some people. I would put money on the fact that you haven't had time to work out lately being related to the slump in your mood.

I know it's tough, but get yourself up and get to the gym. I think it'll help, even if a little. Can't make you feel worse, right?

She11ybeanz posted 1/30/2014 11:46 AM

I know that's part of it....but this green gunky chest cold right now is keeping me out of the gym too.....its hard to run when your nose is running and your coughing..... I ran a race once with bronchitis....NOT PRETTY.....and probably very stupid on my part....

Pass posted 1/30/2014 11:59 AM

Shelly, you're going through a world of shit right now. You'd be a freak if you weren't depressed!

The meds can be a huge help, but only if you can afford them. My shrink told me the four things that a depressive needs the most, in order of importance:

1. Sleep
2. Healthy diet
3. Exercise
4. Socialization

So the first question: Are you getting enough sleep? You're probably not, with Piper being so young. Catnaps are no substitute for a full night's sleep, but if you have to, have some 20-minute naps whenever you can. At the least, they will energize you a bit. You could also try some mindful meditation - not the weird spiritual stuff, just the relaxing kind.

Next is your diet. Okay, I can lecture NOBODY about healthy diet, so I'll stop right there. Just do what you can.

Make running with your group on Saturday a personal priority every week. That will help with #3 and #4. As far as regular exercise goes, if you can't get out for your runs as often as you like, put Piper in her stroller and walk like you're on your way to a fire. You'll still be spending time with her, but you'll be getting that exercise you need.

And, honey, it may be hard to believe now, but it will affect a lot more people than Piper if you were to kill yourself. Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my suicide attempt - and I'm a fucking wreck about it - but that was when I found out just how important I am to my friends and family. Depression can lead you to discount those relationships, but there are a metric shitload of people out there who care about you you've just managed to convince yourself otherwise.

Even if somehow, there weren't any people who care about you, think of the friends, lovers, family that are in your future. You are destined to change some lives, but you need to be around to do it.

And you have a pile of friends right here. I know we've never laid eyes on each other before, but I would miss you if you died. I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one.

Please take care of yourself!

She11ybeanz posted 1/30/2014 13:31 PM

Okay....now I'm gonna cry again....thank you. Damn emotions.

I hate that I've had those thoughts....they are usually very fleeting....but I've pictured them.... turning my car into a median....jumping off a bridge....cutting my wrists in the tub....taking a bottle of Xanax.... luckily I don't own a gun.

They are always fleeting selfish hopeless thoughts that are in and out of my head in a flash....just when times get really really hard to deal.... the sleep thing I agree. I took a 20 minute catnap at my dad's house today. My sitter has my cell phone so I used his alarm clock and left him a note saying:

"Dad, Took a nap during lunch. Thank you for everything you do and for letting Piper and I come live with you soon. You are like my guardian angel of sorts. We love you always, Shelly"

Then I left an angel coin that he had on his bedside table on top of the note on his bed. Corny I know.... that's just me.

Food...I've been sucking at....but getting better. I refuse to weigh myself right now because I KNOW I've gained a few pounds and that will just depress me more! I think I can force the exercise..... and socialization is my game....my friends have been really good about coming around or inviting me over. I've stayed at my best friends house 2 weekends in a row....but this weekend she has a busy one and will be out on the town with her hubby....so I'm on my own. Luckily my daughter's godmother and my good childhood friend is coming over for a DVR party to catch up on our two shows (Dracula and Reign) and have an adult sleepover....

Pass posted 1/30/2014 15:02 PM

I totally get that, Shelly. I had those fleeting thoughts on a regular basis for over 20 years.

The important thing? Remember that's bad shit in your brain that's fucking with you. It's not a reflection of how you should really be feeling about yourself. Okay?

She11ybeanz posted 1/30/2014 15:25 PM

I agree pass...

Its just bad shit fucking with my head.... letting negativity get in that doesn't belong there. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm doing the best I can. I know that I'm a good mom. I know that I'm a good employee....and a good woman for the right man someday...

I just have a lot of work to do to get to where I need to in life....and I'm kinda going through some brush right now.....but eventually....I hope to find a beautiful open field of flowers on the other side.....gorgeous.....as far as the eye can see.....and calm. Very calm. Life will be sweet then..... I just have to be patient.

She11ybeanz posted 1/30/2014 15:51 PM

I keep making mistakes at work....and my boss keeps getting mad at me. This is not helping with my self-esteem AT ALL....

Its really hard to concentrate when you are sick and have to work through it.

Pass posted 1/30/2014 15:52 PM

k94ever posted 1/30/2014 16:22 PM

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

k9

This too shall pass.