My therapist doesn't believe in meds....but when I told her that I KNEW I was extremely depressed by all the family drama lately....and the only thing that keeps me from driving into the median of the major highway that I leave from work every single day is knowing that my daughter needs me and I love her so much that I could never do that to her; my therapist actually recommended that I talk to my doctor about meds for just a little while to get me "over this hump."
My daughter is my reason for living. I know that I will get a ton of 2x4's for this and I fully expect it. But, I'm just being brutally honest with everyone. I've had terrible thoughts... terrible horrible embarrassingly raw thoughts of ending things because they have gotten seemingly and progressively worse over the past few years.....
I know that the actions and decisions I have made of late.....remaining single....moving in with dad....putting Piper in daycare....taking her away from sister... paying off my debt....will all inevitably improve my life....and hopefully turn things around for me....and I'm trying my best to focus on those things.
But lately.....between me having to do more "pee-on" work at my job making me feel less important (my self-worth being tied to my career) and all of the family drama and losing my sister, my mom, my XWH, Piper's father and parents.... all makes me blame myself. I'm the common denominator here....and all of these people have poofed from my life....and its so hard for me not to blame myself for it all. Even though I know that's insane....and crazy to even conceive that.
I'm just putting this all out there...so that I don't keep these thoughts bottled up inside.... I just need someone to listen.... even if I get inevitably fussed at for thinking this way. I know I deserve it.
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:19 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
[This message edited by StillLivin at 9:13 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]
All I can say is I wish I could help you more than with advice. Hang in there and keep sloggin through day by day. What you are feeling is understandable and you are doing the right thing. Piper will admire you as she grows for the strong woman and example you are.
Don't give up!
Hang in there girlie. One day, one hour at a time if you need to.
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
Thank you for the support. I don't like having these thoughts or feeling this way....and I don't have any time at work to take to go to the doctor....or the money for the copay and all of that crap that goes along with it right now honestly.... I'm at work sick right now.....green gunk and all because I have NO TIME to be off at home resting. My daughter gave me her cold and I used up all my time to take care of her...
I am not a selfish person...and I know suicide is a VERY selfish act and I know I'm probably not even capable of it. I usually care too much for others and neglect myself....which is how I got to this place to begin with.....
I'm trying as best I can....but some days are harder than others.....
But, at least I'm making myself do it some ....despite preferably hibernating until 2015....
I know it's tough, but get yourself up and get to the gym. I think it'll help, even if a little. Can't make you feel worse, right?
The meds can be a huge help, but only if you can afford them. My shrink told me the four things that a depressive needs the most, in order of importance:
2. Healthy diet
So the first question: Are you getting enough sleep? You're probably not, with Piper being so young. Catnaps are no substitute for a full night's sleep, but if you have to, have some 20-minute naps whenever you can. At the least, they will energize you a bit. You could also try some mindful meditation - not the weird spiritual stuff, just the relaxing kind.
Next is your diet. Okay, I can lecture NOBODY about healthy diet, so I'll stop right there. Just do what you can.
Make running with your group on Saturday a personal priority every week. That will help with #3 and #4. As far as regular exercise goes, if you can't get out for your runs as often as you like, put Piper in her stroller and walk like you're on your way to a fire. You'll still be spending time with her, but you'll be getting that exercise you need.
And, honey, it may be hard to believe now, but it will affect a lot more people than Piper if you were to kill yourself. Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my suicide attempt - and I'm a fucking wreck about it - but that was when I found out just how important I am to my friends and family. Depression can lead you to discount those relationships, but there are a metric shitload of people out there who care about you you've just managed to convince yourself otherwise.
Even if somehow, there weren't any people who care about you, think of the friends, lovers, family that are in your future. You are destined to change some lives, but you need to be around to do it.
And you have a pile of friends right here. I know we've never laid eyes on each other before, but I would miss you if you died. I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one.
Please take care of yourself!
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
I hate that I've had those thoughts....they are usually very fleeting....but I've pictured them.... turning my car into a median....jumping off a bridge....cutting my wrists in the tub....taking a bottle of Xanax.... luckily I don't own a gun.
They are always fleeting selfish hopeless thoughts that are in and out of my head in a flash....just when times get really really hard to deal.... the sleep thing I agree. I took a 20 minute catnap at my dad's house today. My sitter has my cell phone so I used his alarm clock and left him a note saying:
"Dad, Took a nap during lunch. Thank you for everything you do and for letting Piper and I come live with you soon. You are like my guardian angel of sorts. We love you always, Shelly"
Then I left an angel coin that he had on his bedside table on top of the note on his bed. Corny I know.... that's just me.
Food...I've been sucking at....but getting better. I refuse to weigh myself right now because I KNOW I've gained a few pounds and that will just depress me more! I think I can force the exercise..... and socialization is my game....my friends have been really good about coming around or inviting me over. I've stayed at my best friends house 2 weekends in a row....but this weekend she has a busy one and will be out on the town with her hubby....so I'm on my own. Luckily my daughter's godmother and my good childhood friend is coming over for a DVR party to catch up on our two shows (Dracula and Reign) and have an adult sleepover....
The important thing? Remember that's bad shit in your brain that's fucking with you. It's not a reflection of how you should really be feeling about yourself. Okay?
Its just bad shit fucking with my head.... letting negativity get in that doesn't belong there. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm doing the best I can. I know that I'm a good mom. I know that I'm a good employee....and a good woman for the right man someday...
I just have a lot of work to do to get to where I need to in life....and I'm kinda going through some brush right now.....but eventually....I hope to find a beautiful open field of flowers on the other side.....gorgeous.....as far as the eye can see.....and calm. Very calm. Life will be sweet then..... I just have to be patient.
Its really hard to concentrate when you are sick and have to work through it.
This too shall pass.