So, while discussing this with my Husband, I asked (AGAIN) why does she feel she has the right to fight for you to leave your family? What is the hold? Then I asked, "Did you let her think you do not love me anymore?"
He was silent. I had asked many times before what he had said to her about his feelings for me. He always maintained that he told her that he did not think I was in love with him anymore and he thought our marriage was over. He never said that he told her he did not love me anymore. I may have even asked point blank if he told her he did not love me anymore and he said no. He definately said repeatedly that he did not share how he felt about me, that he did tell her that he loved her. Now it turns out I find out the truth that I had suspected for a while. I begged for the truth and he always assured me he was honest with me. He says now that this was all part of the confusion and within a week of these confessions, he ended it because he know none of it was true. To me this is not about that; it is more about 5 months out, he has flat out lied after begging me to trust him again.
After feeling so hopeful, I now feel like I should just run. I don't know what to do or feel. My head is spinning!
I hear your pain and I'm so sorry for it. You do not need to make a decision right now. You will be OK. Breathe and allow yourself time to process this new info.
As many others here, and my IC have told me, your amygdala is screaming at you to get out, to run away to stay safe. Allow it to calm down before you decide anything. It is a truly horrible feeling (I had it just this weekend), but feel it and get through it and when the panic passes you will be able to see things more clearly.
I agree with Morhurt.
Breathe and allow yourself time to process this new info.
I was ready to throw the towel in with my FWH's lying. He lied to me about throwing out fish guts. Fucking. Filthy. Fish. Guts. I was sick of him treating me like his mommy that he had to lie to about doing his chores. Really???!!!????
The thing is, FWH is a conflict avoider. He was taught this by mommy dearest. To keep peace in the house, mommy taught all the children to lie to bully Daddy. It is so ingrained in FWH that it just comes natural to him. It takes quite awhile to undo these behaviours. Not only do they have to overcome lifelong habits they have to feel safe to be honest.
There is going to be slip ups into old behaviours. There is going to be truths withheld. There comes a time, though, when there can be no slip ups, no more Trickle Truth because the BS is just going to come to the conclusion that this person can not or will not change. A risk and consequence that every WS takes once they cross that boundary into an affair.
eta: I do believe that many WS's don't want to hurt the BS's and feel that lying is a way to not hurt us. They are flat out wrong. The lies hurt us the most of all. This is a quote I like:
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:00 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Or else why would they catch feelings if they were just fycking?
eta: I hope this isn't considered name calling, mods. I did edit "cray cray" for mentally ill.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:56 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]
He did say today that every time I ask a question and he tells me, I respond with, "how could you do that with her?" He says that the hurt is so bad that it feels like he is tearing off a limb when he hurts me with the answers. Of course, he wants to take what he learned from examining the affair and how he was feeling before and during and look forward to fix us. I know he would rather get off the topic of the OW because he feels nothing but shame, disgust and embarrassment, knowing that his thinking was so "off" or "distorted" during that time. I don't know what to think anymore. How can I trust if he continues to lie to protect me? As he said, the who's, what's and why's seem to all be out there. So to me, why not be honest with the rest???
It really helped my H understand and it helped me feel OK about needing the full truth. I still reference it at times.
Not all MCs are created equally. Maybe you need a new one.
In my situation, because the AP is a sociopath and just plain cray cray.
My interpretation is that he thought: "My wife doesn't love me, so I'm allowed to try the forbidden fruit"
It's all justification to allow a WS to taste the new fruit because of their own selfish issues.
"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"
For example, every time my FWH gives new information, I thank him very much and tell him that all new information helps me heal cause then everything is in the open and I can move forward. He can still see me hurt and cry he has to see what he's done. But the language and the hug I gave afterwards allowing him to comfort me helped him talk more and reveal more than any screaming confrontation or accusation. Of course this works on a truly remorseful FORMER WS. Doesn't work on an active WS.
I hope that helps. More power to you.
[This message edited by Simple at 6:59 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
This morning I woke up to a letter from him saying that he couldn't talk about saying that he didm't love me because he knew he would need to explain shy he said it, how he was feeling and why, etc. He says at the time, he didn't know how to explain this, but now after sorting through things more thoroughly he can say that those feelings were feelings if the moment, and had nothing to do with his real feelings. He says he can only talk about it now because he has worked through this and now has the ability to share what he previously could not verbalize, and without an explanation, he knew I would not be able to accept that.
He ended by saying that he loves me and would shout it from the mountain tops for all to hear, he wants to help me through this and thinks we have too much to live for. Any thought about this?????