This is my first post here. I have been doing a lot of reading the past few months and have read so many posts that I can relate to. This morning I have so much inside and I feel that this is the only place I can go where people will truly understand.
My husband is active duty army currently on his 3rd deployment. We have been married 17 years and have a daughter who just turned 16. The early years of our marriage were rocky and both of us did things that we shouldn't have, but when he came home from his 1st deployment he seemed all about family and that he wanted things to work out. Things were good and we weathered a 2nd deployment. Again he came home all about family so I felt that things were good. Although I noticed changes in him. He wasn't as patient, seemed to get angry easier, and his driving scared me to death.
In August 2012 we were transferred to Fort Hood, TX. This was a big move for us because we were planning for his retirement. We bought a house that we felt we could live in long term. It was about 25 minutes from the base. He didn't want to be near soldiers when he was off. He found out he would be deploying again. I could tell that he was struggling. He would say that he didn't think he had another deployment in him. He became more distant. The everyday stresses of life and the things to do around the house were getting to him. Money was also tight so he wasn't able to do some of the things he enjoyed. He would tell me to let him know if we didn't have the money since I had always done the finances. He never wanted to sit down with me so I could show him our expenses. Despite everything going on our relationship seemed good. I saw no red flags. When he deployed in April 2013 he said he loved me and to keep my chin up because this wouldn't last long. This deployment was different than the others because he was doing a desk job. We would video chat almost everyday. I could tell he was stressed about his job and the added pressure he was under. I tried to be supportive and sent him packages and emails to let him know how much I loved him. In mid July he told me that he would be doing a 2nd job that would be a bit more dangerous. I wasn't thrilled. That is when the changes came. I could see how tired he was when we talked. His mood was low too. He started smoking and his calls were less frequent. I also noticed he was spending more money than usual. His mid-tour was scheduled for the end of August so we began to plan some of the things we were going to do. It was also our daughter's birthday and I was planning a party for her. Discussion about his parents and his brother's family coming caused stress. I told him that I was concerned that with 6 extra people in the house it would be more chaotic and he would have to divide his attention in so many different directions. I was ok with just his parents, which was the original plan. After this disagreement he became even more distant and stopped saying he loved me in his emails. When I asked him about it he just said that he was really busy.
On the morning of August 25 he shows up at the house and immediately starts packing his things. I had no idea that he was coming. He would not hug me or show me any affection and announced that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. The time he had while deployed had made him think about things. He started bringing up stuff that happened early in the marriage, over 9 years ago. He said he couldn't get over it and that we were done. He also admitted to cheating and kept saying he had done terrible things to me in the marriage. He would not elaborate. He kept saying he wasn't happy, that he didn't feel right in the head and hated people. He also said he had thought about suicide and that he knew he needed to find a counselor to help him. It was like talking to a different man. He was rushing around trying to pack and I could tell that he didn't want anything to do with me. It almost felt like if he had slowed down to think about what he was doing he would lose his nerve. After 2 hours he left. I have no idea where he went and he wouldn't answer my calls or texts. That night I called his parents and spoke to his mom. She informed me that they were advised not to come and that I had said his brother's family wasn't welcome in our house. I told her that isn't what I said and explained that I thought it might be better for everyone to come when he was home for good. I asked her if she blamed me for this and her response was that I must have said something much worse because he was crying when he told her these things. She then said she was upset and hung up on me. I haven't talked to her since. About 3 days later my husband shows up with the sheriff to get more of his stuff. He again showed no emotion towards me and didn't want anything to do with me. That would be the last time I would see him except for the hour he spent at our daughter's party. He was even weird at the party. He smoked like a chimney and just seemed like he was checked out. The whole time he was home he wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't even come to the house. He cut me off completely, made changes to his pay, and filed for divorce. I have been completely blindsided by all of this and never saw it coming. The day he left to go back he posted on his Facebook page that he had fun with his parents and our daughter (who he saw less than 10 hours the entire time he was home), did some necessary cleanup, and that it went too fast. I guess I was the necessary cleanup he was talking about. He also deleted any pictures that I was in. I am angry, sad, and hurt by all of this.
It has been easier to deal with now that he is gone again, but I am still walking around wondering how all of this happened. I forgot to mention that he spent his 2 weeks drinking, spending lots of money, getting tattoos (he had none), and hanging around people I have never met. I'm not even sure how he met them. I also have no idea where or who he stayed with. Nothing about his behavior was normal. I was able to talk to his SGM who is deployed with him. He has met me. When I told him the situation he was shocked. I also told him about his thoughts of suicide. He said that my husband would be command referred to mental health as soon as he got back. I hung up the phone feeling hopeful, but I now have doubts that it actually happened.
On Veteran's Day (how ironic), I finally started to put the pieces together. I had not been able to figure out where he stayed and who he was with when he was on leave. After reading a few Facebook messages from him to our daughter and looking at his friend list I found someone who he worked with, a woman. She had gone on leave the exact same dates as my husband. Turns out he actually got here the 24th. I went to her Facebook page, nothing was private so I could see everything. I started looking at all her comments, especially the ones from when he was on leave. There were vague comments after that, but 2 stood out to me. The 1st was "I have finally found "the one"! Thank you for coming into my life when I needed you the most, feeling satisfied". Someone commented asking for details and all she said was when the time is right. The other was "the grass is not always greener on the other side, take deep breaths and it will all be over in 90 days...". Then on November 12th she posted 2 pictures of my husband with someone he worked with at a different duty station. She tagged him, but the pictures weren't on his page.
Then it clicked! He left me for her. She is the reason he got 3 tattoos, spent our savings, drank like a fish, spent barely any time with our daughter when he was home. And she is the reason he filed for divorce. I realize that in the end it was his decision, but she must have been his sounding board. Every complaint he had about me and our marriage she probably twisted to make it worse and he already wasn't mentally stable. I think they slept together during the time he became distant. The reason he wouldn't look at me or touch me was because this was probably one of the terrible things he was referring to. He felt guilty! After putting the pieces together I realized that he had stayed with her and that all of his "new" friends were her friends.
So here's my big question...this woman is divorced twice and has 2 kids. One is 12 and the other is 3. He left one household to be with another? It makes no sense to me except that she lives how he wants to live right now. She, and her friends, are in to motorcycles, tattoos, and guns. Well when he was home he got 3 tattoos, one is a skull wearing a top hat holding the death hand of poker (she really likes skulls), one is on his ring finger, and the other is on his left wrist. It was difficult to make out from the picture. He also bought another gun and will probably get a motorcycle when he gets back. I also think he is going to move in with her permanently. Plus I am sure they all smoke.
He will be home in the next 2 weeks and our daughter wants to be there to greet him. I am apprehensive since there has been NC since he returned to Afghanistan last September. I do not want a divorce and I don't think he knows I have figured out all the details of why he left. I have thought about ways to expose the affair but don't want to do anything to push him closer to her.
I don't know where to go from here. Please help me figure this all out....