Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Looking for Advice and Guidance....Please

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

OutofDarkness posted 1/30/2014 13:40 PM

This is my first post here. I have been doing a lot of reading the past few months and have read so many posts that I can relate to. This morning I have so much inside and I feel that this is the only place I can go where people will truly understand.

My husband is active duty army currently on his 3rd deployment. We have been married 17 years and have a daughter who just turned 16. The early years of our marriage were rocky and both of us did things that we shouldn't have, but when he came home from his 1st deployment he seemed all about family and that he wanted things to work out. Things were good and we weathered a 2nd deployment. Again he came home all about family so I felt that things were good. Although I noticed changes in him. He wasn't as patient, seemed to get angry easier, and his driving scared me to death.

In August 2012 we were transferred to Fort Hood, TX. This was a big move for us because we were planning for his retirement. We bought a house that we felt we could live in long term. It was about 25 minutes from the base. He didn't want to be near soldiers when he was off. He found out he would be deploying again. I could tell that he was struggling. He would say that he didn't think he had another deployment in him. He became more distant. The everyday stresses of life and the things to do around the house were getting to him. Money was also tight so he wasn't able to do some of the things he enjoyed. He would tell me to let him know if we didn't have the money since I had always done the finances. He never wanted to sit down with me so I could show him our expenses. Despite everything going on our relationship seemed good. I saw no red flags. When he deployed in April 2013 he said he loved me and to keep my chin up because this wouldn't last long. This deployment was different than the others because he was doing a desk job. We would video chat almost everyday. I could tell he was stressed about his job and the added pressure he was under. I tried to be supportive and sent him packages and emails to let him know how much I loved him. In mid July he told me that he would be doing a 2nd job that would be a bit more dangerous. I wasn't thrilled. That is when the changes came. I could see how tired he was when we talked. His mood was low too. He started smoking and his calls were less frequent. I also noticed he was spending more money than usual. His mid-tour was scheduled for the end of August so we began to plan some of the things we were going to do. It was also our daughter's birthday and I was planning a party for her. Discussion about his parents and his brother's family coming caused stress. I told him that I was concerned that with 6 extra people in the house it would be more chaotic and he would have to divide his attention in so many different directions. I was ok with just his parents, which was the original plan. After this disagreement he became even more distant and stopped saying he loved me in his emails. When I asked him about it he just said that he was really busy.

On the morning of August 25 he shows up at the house and immediately starts packing his things. I had no idea that he was coming. He would not hug me or show me any affection and announced that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. The time he had while deployed had made him think about things. He started bringing up stuff that happened early in the marriage, over 9 years ago. He said he couldn't get over it and that we were done. He also admitted to cheating and kept saying he had done terrible things to me in the marriage. He would not elaborate. He kept saying he wasn't happy, that he didn't feel right in the head and hated people. He also said he had thought about suicide and that he knew he needed to find a counselor to help him. It was like talking to a different man. He was rushing around trying to pack and I could tell that he didn't want anything to do with me. It almost felt like if he had slowed down to think about what he was doing he would lose his nerve. After 2 hours he left. I have no idea where he went and he wouldn't answer my calls or texts. That night I called his parents and spoke to his mom. She informed me that they were advised not to come and that I had said his brother's family wasn't welcome in our house. I told her that isn't what I said and explained that I thought it might be better for everyone to come when he was home for good. I asked her if she blamed me for this and her response was that I must have said something much worse because he was crying when he told her these things. She then said she was upset and hung up on me. I haven't talked to her since. About 3 days later my husband shows up with the sheriff to get more of his stuff. He again showed no emotion towards me and didn't want anything to do with me. That would be the last time I would see him except for the hour he spent at our daughter's party. He was even weird at the party. He smoked like a chimney and just seemed like he was checked out. The whole time he was home he wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't even come to the house. He cut me off completely, made changes to his pay, and filed for divorce. I have been completely blindsided by all of this and never saw it coming. The day he left to go back he posted on his Facebook page that he had fun with his parents and our daughter (who he saw less than 10 hours the entire time he was home), did some necessary cleanup, and that it went too fast. I guess I was the necessary cleanup he was talking about. He also deleted any pictures that I was in. I am angry, sad, and hurt by all of this.

It has been easier to deal with now that he is gone again, but I am still walking around wondering how all of this happened. I forgot to mention that he spent his 2 weeks drinking, spending lots of money, getting tattoos (he had none), and hanging around people I have never met. I'm not even sure how he met them. I also have no idea where or who he stayed with. Nothing about his behavior was normal. I was able to talk to his SGM who is deployed with him. He has met me. When I told him the situation he was shocked. I also told him about his thoughts of suicide. He said that my husband would be command referred to mental health as soon as he got back. I hung up the phone feeling hopeful, but I now have doubts that it actually happened.

On Veteran's Day (how ironic), I finally started to put the pieces together. I had not been able to figure out where he stayed and who he was with when he was on leave. After reading a few Facebook messages from him to our daughter and looking at his friend list I found someone who he worked with, a woman. She had gone on leave the exact same dates as my husband. Turns out he actually got here the 24th. I went to her Facebook page, nothing was private so I could see everything. I started looking at all her comments, especially the ones from when he was on leave. There were vague comments after that, but 2 stood out to me. The 1st was "I have finally found "the one"! Thank you for coming into my life when I needed you the most, feeling satisfied". Someone commented asking for details and all she said was when the time is right. The other was "the grass is not always greener on the other side, take deep breaths and it will all be over in 90 days...". Then on November 12th she posted 2 pictures of my husband with someone he worked with at a different duty station. She tagged him, but the pictures weren't on his page.

Then it clicked! He left me for her. She is the reason he got 3 tattoos, spent our savings, drank like a fish, spent barely any time with our daughter when he was home. And she is the reason he filed for divorce. I realize that in the end it was his decision, but she must have been his sounding board. Every complaint he had about me and our marriage she probably twisted to make it worse and he already wasn't mentally stable. I think they slept together during the time he became distant. The reason he wouldn't look at me or touch me was because this was probably one of the terrible things he was referring to. He felt guilty! After putting the pieces together I realized that he had stayed with her and that all of his "new" friends were her friends.

So here's my big question...this woman is divorced twice and has 2 kids. One is 12 and the other is 3. He left one household to be with another? It makes no sense to me except that she lives how he wants to live right now. She, and her friends, are in to motorcycles, tattoos, and guns. Well when he was home he got 3 tattoos, one is a skull wearing a top hat holding the death hand of poker (she really likes skulls), one is on his ring finger, and the other is on his left wrist. It was difficult to make out from the picture. He also bought another gun and will probably get a motorcycle when he gets back. I also think he is going to move in with her permanently. Plus I am sure they all smoke.

He will be home in the next 2 weeks and our daughter wants to be there to greet him. I am apprehensive since there has been NC since he returned to Afghanistan last September. I do not want a divorce and I don't think he knows I have figured out all the details of why he left. I have thought about ways to expose the affair but don't want to do anything to push him closer to her.

I don't know where to go from here. Please help me figure this all out....

norabird posted 1/30/2014 15:13 PM

I do not want a divorce

Why would you want to stay married to someone who has decided to exit your relationship so disrespectfully? At this point, your marriage is already over. I know that hurts and that you didn't ask for it--but you do not have the power to change his mind. Would you even really want to, after what he has done to you and your daughter? With a divorce, you can start to work to accepting the 'new normal' and building a different type of life of your choosing.

kalimata posted 1/30/2014 15:19 PM

Hi Darkness. So sorry you are here. I have a few questions:

The early years of our marriage were rocky and both of us did things that we shouldn't have

Can you recall anything that you did that upset him so much? If so please elaborate for us. Did you ever cheat on him?

He started bringing up stuff that happened early in the marriage, over 9 years ago. He said he couldn't get over it and that we were done.

What exactly happened 9 years ago between you both that made him feel this way? Please expand.

I found someone who he worked with, a woman

Does this woman work in the same division as him? The military has strict rules against this sort of stuff. Does he have a security clearance? If so it would be revoked in a heartbeat if it was found out that he was having an adulterous affair. Did you consider contacting his supervising officer?

You say that the problems seem to start in April 2013, but it was clear he admitted to an affair prior to that. What did you do upon finding about affair #1? Did you confront, expose? Can you look back thru old phone records to see if he called the OW prior to Aug 2013?

Other suggestions:
Can you get into his email? Look for email exchanges?
- Do you have access to his credit card statements? Look for suspicious charges (large gifts, hotels, bars, etc) Esp on dates when he was "busy".
- Find out if OW has close friends or family that you can expose to. Expose to his parents. Tell your daughter the truth if she asks
- Go to a lawyer and find out what you can do. - Sounds like he already filed for D, but see what you are entitled to (alimony, child support)? Is adultery a reasons for D in your state? If so consider exposing him via D papers
- Get yourself tested for STDs

So sorry you are here. I wish you the best.

Skan posted 1/30/2014 15:31 PM

OutofDarkness, welcome. Iím so happy that you found us for support, but I am so sorry that you had the reason to come find us. Youíve been through just a hell of a roller-coaster ride. I wish that I could say that that part is over. Itís not. However, weíre here to support you.

I normally donít suggest this right off, but being as your WH is spending all of the money, has moved out, and is supporting some slut and her brats, I urge you to make an appointment to immediately file for a legal separation with a lawyer. Call your ombudsman on base, let them know whatís going on, and get some referrals. You need to have your spousal support and child support nailed down right now. You need to get yourself a bank account that is all your own and transfer the money into it, since heís already raided your joint accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards and get one with only your name on it. A legal separation will nail the finances down so that from this point on, anything that is spent out of marital funds will be debited against him in your favor. You and your child need this protection immediately because Iím sure that itís as obvious to you as it is to me that your WH is not rational and is quite literally out of his mind. You HAVE to make sure that you and your daughter are taken care of first, just like the airplane drill with the oxygen masks, before you can worry about anything else. Because your WH does not have either of your best interests in his heart right now.

I have thought about ways to expose the affair but don't want to do anything to push him closer to her.

You cannot push him closer to her. Heís there. Heís left you, body, soul, and heart. He has fired you from the job of wife. Right now, you need to do whatever you can to expose his cray-cray and not allow him to sweep it under a rug and pretend that all is well. Itís not and heís not well.

For right now, take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Thereís a lot of good information in there that is of value to you. Read any post on this forum (look in the first 3 pages) that has a red ďtargetĒ next to it. Also great information on the way forward.

Please keep coming back for support and to vent when you need to. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

OutofDarkness posted 2/3/2014 08:29 AM

Kalimata...It was an EA that happened during his first deployment. I was a lot younger and did it out of revenge, which I know is wrong. While on his first deployment he did a lot of "chatting" with girls online. One afternoon while I was at work a woman called me. I have no idea how she got my number. She asked who I was. I told her I was his wife and asked who she was. She told me that they had been talking online and planned to meet when he returned. I did confront my husband about it. He tried to tell me that it all started when one of the guys he worked with made him a yahoo messenger profile. Fine, but he didn't have to go along. The incident caused a lot of problems for us and I really didn't know if we would stay together.
Yes, the OW works in the same unit. She is an officer and he is enlisted so that adds issues to the mix.

I have done most of the things you suggested. I did go back to phone records and there is nothing. I was able to check his email until he changed the password. There was nothing but they could be using work emails to communicate. Also, I did all the finances so I knew where the money was going. He doesn't have a credit card that I didn't know about because I frequently look at his credit report. We have temporary orders specifying child support and spousal maintenance. They also spell out who pays what bills. He is not 100% compliant but as long as I can pay the bills I am not going to make a stink.

I have been thinking a lot about exposure. Hopefully when he is back he will explain to our daughter why he is doing this. If not I know that I will have to. I am pretty sure his parents are aware of the situation since they have actually met OW. They have not spoken to me since this all began. In their eyes my husband can do no wrong. I am very conflicted but know that the truth has to come out even if we do not stay together. I am nervous to see him at the homecoming but his body language and facial expressions will say a lot. I have no clue what his mental state is. It will be interesting if I see the OW. Not sure how I will react to that.

I think my husband is expecting me to be the same introverted, codependent woman I was when he left. Little does he know that I have spent the last 5 months working on me. I have learned a lot about myself in the process. Before I doubted myself a lot and didn't have much self esteem. That has all changed! My counselor says the changes are evident and he should notice them.
Time will tell.

norabird posted 2/3/2014 08:45 AM

I think my husband is expecting me to be the same introverted, codependent woman I was when he left. Little does he know that I have spent the last 5 months working on me. I have learned a lot about myself in the process. Before I doubted myself a lot and didn't have much self esteem. That has all changed! My counselor says the changes are evident and he should notice them.

This is great. But, gently, these changes probably will not bring him back. He seems pretty far gone, so take your new strength and use it to move away from him emotionally and cut your ties (while protecting the financial rights of you and your daughter). Have you seen a lawyer? You may also want to see if your daughter can get a therapist to see now. Maybe your MIL can take her to greet your WH when he returns? I'm sorry she has to deal with all this

TheClimb posted 2/3/2014 08:54 AM

I think my husband is expecting me to be the same introverted, codependent woman I was when he left. Little does he know that I have spent the last 5 months working on me.

Perhaps the thing to do is upon his return have him served with divorce papers alleging adultery. He has shown you no respect by coming home and "packing" without any word whatsoever. He needs to understand pronto that you are no longer going to put up with his crap.

You can never nice them back. The only hope your marriage has is you taking charge and standing up for yourself.

OutofDarkness posted 2/3/2014 09:53 AM

I have seen a lawyer because I was served divorce papers the day he returned to Afghanistan.

His parents live out of state so they would not be able to take her to the homecoming. I feel like it is something I have to do. I am not going to let fear or what other people think hold me back. I have done that for too long. She and I have both been going to counseling. She has been in denial the past few months so the next few weeks could be rough. I am expecting it. Unfortunately she is an internal child and doesn't express her feelings very well. We have been working on that.

I am being realistic. I do not think that going to the homecoming and the changes I have made will bring him back. He has a lot of issues to work out within himself. This irrational behavior and the decisions he has made are completely out of character for him. That is why I believe that this OW has been "guiding" him. His head is so far up in the clouds it will be a while before he comes down. I know that I am going to be fine with or without him. God has a plan for me and I am letting him direct me.

OutofDarkness posted 2/7/2014 11:48 AM

Well I took my daughter to the homecoming last night. He had no idea that we were going to be there. He even texted her when he got off the plane to see what she was doing. She played it off. He did not look happy to see us, especially me. He actually had her dad there to pick him up. He introduced me as ******* and I said "his wife". He just kept saying he needed to get his truck from storage and get his room in the barracks (I am sure it is only for show).

He did say that I looked nice, but wouldn't hug me or anything. Said he wasn't trying to be rude but it was awkward. At that point we left. We waited hours for 10 minutes with him. I was proud of myself because I didn't cry. He kept asking if "you girls" are going straight home and he would call later. It was horrible because he always referred to us as his girls. He also asked me if I cancelled the insurance on his truck.

He did text our daughter later saying he wanted to see her today. At first he wanted to sign her out of school early, I said no to that. Then he had the nerve to ask her if she thought I would be ok if he hung out at the house with her. Hmmm, NO! He also asked her to ask me to print him an insurance card. Again, NO! That's not my responsibility. The best part was when he told her to let me know that he wasn't trying to be rude but he wasn't expecting us to be there. During the conversation he again said I looked nice, at one point he said really nice. He mentioned seeing both of us today. I told her that she needed to not be in the middle and if he wanted to see or talk to me he could contact me himself.

This is definitely going to be a wild ride. "She" comes back this weekend so he will probably be more scarce. He just doesn't have anything to do right now.

I am definitely going to expose them. I just need to think it all out so I don't make a mistake. Hopefully he will tell our daughter everything. When we left the gym I told her to be prepared that there is another woman. I said I was pretty sure just didn't know who. I have no intention initiating any contact with him. He expects me to be the same doormat I was when he left. Well he will be shocked to find out I am not.

Any tips for exposure would be much appreciated..

norabird posted 2/7/2014 13:22 PM

I don't have any advice on exposure, sorry, but just want to say you should be so proud of yourself for leaving that doormat behind and becoming so strong and sure of yourself. You are giving yourself an amazing gift! I know there are so many better, awesome things ahead for you after this chapter closes.

OutofDarkness posted 2/11/2014 08:36 AM

Here is an update of my situation...

My husband blew our daughter off all weekend. He had made plans to spend time with her Friday and she was supposed to text him when she got home from school. She texted 3 times and he didn't answer any of them. She also texted him Saturday and he didn't respond. I was so mad that on Sunday I texted him "Are you going to spend any time with your daughter today?" No response. A few hours later I texted "Why don't you want to spend any time with your daughter? You are really hurting her." No response. She even texted him "Why are you ignoring me?" No response. She cried all night.

He actually sent me a text Monday morning to say he wasn't ignoring anyone. He had been trying to get his truck fixed and look for an apartment. I guess he won't be allowed to stay in the barracks much longer. He also said he planed to pick our daughter up from school and what time he was getting off work. I waited 40 minutes and replied that she had tutoring and told him what time to pick her up. He even texted me when he was on his way to her school. I thought he would take her to dinner or something, but all he did was drop her off at the house. He drove 30 minutes to spend 10 with her. WTF?!?!?

When she came in she told me about their conversation. He basically said that he didn't hate me and that he still has feelings for me. He just wants to do things he wasn't allowed to do. Again, WTF?!?!? He said he looked at a few apartments but none of them worked out and he wasn't sure he would be able to pay for them. The biggest shocker of the conversation was when he said the tattoo on his ring finger was my name. I have wondered for months about it and now that I know I am more confused than ever. He also said that he planned on getting a tattoo of our daughter's name and asked if she wanted to go when he got it. She told him yes. However, I would prefer she not go.

I don't know if he has been spending time with OW. She got back Sunday morning and I saw that he texted her twice. There was no response from her. He also texted her twice Monday morning. She responded once. There was also a 1 minute phone call which could be him leaving a voice mail.

I ended up calling his chaplain yesterday morning. This was before I knew what he told our daughter. I explained everything and my concerns. This is the first time someone has brought up ptsd before I did. Since the conversation was confidential I gave my husband's name. I did not give "her" name but gave enough information that it could easily be figured out. This chaplain hadn't deployed with my husband but when I said my husband had talked to a chaplain while deployed he knew who he could talk to about this. Since I don't have a lot of concrete proof, which I told the chaplain, he is supposed to talk to the chaplains who were deployed and call me back before my husband is approached. I know that he is going to be furious but I just keep telling myself that I am doing things based on his behavior and choices. He will try to twist this on me like I am causing trouble for him, but I have nothing else to lose. He has already left, filed for divorce, and hasn't communicated with me at all.

I realize that this isn't exposing the affair, but I don't feel like I have enough proof at this time.

norabird posted 2/11/2014 11:43 AM

I'm so sorry for how he has treated your daughter. He is obviously in a very confused and selfish, and self-pitying, state. I don't know what to say about his actions because they don't make sense. The less time you spend trying to understand/interpret such irrational behavior the better.

Talking to the chaplain seems like it was a good move. Have you seen a lawyer yet to deal with the D filing? You want to make sure you are protected. Also, your daughter's school may have a social worker or at least a guidance counselor. This is a hard time with her so it is best if she can have someone to speak with about any feelings of abandonment/hurt/anger.


OutofDarkness posted 3/11/2014 22:17 PM

Well my husband has been home a little over a month. A lot has happened during that time. He actually started communicating with me. We have spent time alone and as a family. He told me some of what he has been doing but never mentioned OW. Last week he said that he wanted to put the divorce on hold and figure things out. He even went to my daughter's counseling appointment and mine. In front of the counselor he said that he planned on postponing the divorce. The sap in me believed every word which was a big mistake. Now I am emotionally sucked back in.

I actually questioned him about the OW and of course he lied. However, I knew when they found out I knew she would change her Facebook settings and she did. He has been at his parents with our daughter the past few days. From looking at the phone records they have been talking quite a bit.

I feel like I have been, and continue to be, played for a fool. That all changed today. I actually went to his chain of command to press charges. It seemed like I was being backed into a corner that I couldn't get out of. I also went to my lawyer to discuss the divorce. The day after he said he wanted to work on things my lawyer called to say his lawyer had sent over dates for a final hearing. I was stunned and he claims that he didn't ask for this. He only asked for an appointment for an update. He even called, on speaker phone, his lawyer and left a message questioning it. From the phone records he hasn't tried to call back.

He is bringing our daughter home early in the morning so it will be interesting to see how he interacts with me. I have to play stupid so he doesn't figure out what I have done. I am sure things will get bad once he finds out about the military investigation. This time he will be blindsided. I am pretty sure he thinks I would never do something like this, but I had to stand up for myself. I didn't know what else to do and the OW is still in the picture. It is obvious from his behavior the past few days he has chosen her. They are both in for a rude awakening. I know he won't be happy about it. I'm tired of being blindsided and lied to. He is going to see that he can't walk on me anymore.

norabird posted 3/11/2014 22:44 PM

((((Hugs and strength)))))

This isn't easy but you are doing great. Stay strong and remember what you deserve and don't settle for less.

I hope this starts you on a path to a more peaceful state of mind. It seems you are already well on your way though there are always emotional ups and downs on this roller coaster.

Take care of yourself honey.

ZedLeppelin posted 3/12/2014 02:26 AM

Please do not take the following too personal, but...

*Splashes cold water on your face*

How much more bullshit are you going to take from him? You claim that you are a different person yet you are still living your life according to him:

"It will be interesting to see how he interacts with me"
"I am pretty sure he thinks I would never do something like this"
"I know he won't be happy about it"

Not only did he hook up with someone else, he ignored your daughter. You need to start detaching from him. What he now thinks is irrelevant. He does not deserve you. You deserve better. You need to be a lot more proactive. You are allowing him far too much control.

1) Go nuclear in the divorce. Go for as much as you can.
2) Expose the OW on cheaterville (Proof and Picture of her)
3) Adopt 180 and start living your own life.

[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 2:27 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.