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Epiphany or Crazy Talk??

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4everfaithful83 posted 1/30/2014 14:38 PM

I think I've come to the conclusion over the last couple days that talking about the A frequently just isn't that healthy anymore.

It seems like whenever we do talk about it extensively, something my WBF says just upsets me more. And it's not even like he's telling me new information, maybe he's just saying it in a different way.

I believe that I know everything there is to know about the A (within reason) and asking for different answers to things he's ALREADY answered is only hurting me more.

I'm just beating a dead horse!!

It causes blow up fights because I get so upset, and nothing he says or does fixes it. Because lets be honest...there's really nothing a WBF/Spouse could do to fix it! They can't take it back, that's for sure.

Maybe I sound crazy to some of you, but I'm beginning to think that if I really love my BF and want to work on this relationship, its in my best interest to stop dwelling, stop expecting his answers to make me feel better.


I think I've been waiting for him to say this magic sentence...the one that makes me go:

"Oh!! I understand why you cheated now!!"

Its never going to happen. All I can ask for is transparency,honesty,remorse and compassion, and for him to put the effort in to show me he wants to be in this relationship.

I've obviously decided that I'm not leaving him, so why am I going to make the rest of my life miserable? It's just not worth it. I want to be happy.

I'm not saying NEVER talk about it. Of course there will be times where I'll need to talk about it.

Has anyone else come to this realization ever?

I want to be happy. If I'm not happy, then there's no point.

He may have been the one to damage this ship, but I don't want to sink it...

steadfast1973 posted 1/30/2014 14:46 PM

I feel exactly the same way. I'm more depressed than anything now. And talking about the A makes me even more sad...

WH doesn't fight... but then we just both get sad. it used to help. we'd talk about it, gain insights from eachother, etc. Now? Not so much anymore... we seem to have gotten all of the insight and details out... and it's just rehashing.

We've shifted to talking about other stuff. the future and how it's going to be different/better. And how to get it there and keep it there.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 2:46 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

4everfaithful83 posted 1/30/2014 14:49 PM

THANK YOU Steadfast1973!

Nice to know I'm not alone.

Yes, in the beginning it was absolutely necessary. But now it just seems to be doing less and less good.

I'm not saying that talking about it in general is bad, but I guess hashing it out every day and night has run its course. No good can come from it, except it seems to be keeping us from moving forward, which isn't what I want to do.

I want to move forward and start new, rebuild what we have lost.

Thanks for your reply.

lostworld posted 1/30/2014 15:22 PM

I think your head and heart are having a pretty intense, intimate, and well-considered talk with you. It sounds like you've really thought about this and have come to a place that makes sense to you and brings you some measure of peace. It also sounds like you've come to this place with eyes wide open--not with rose-colored glasses or piles of stuff shoved under the rug. As long as you allow yourself the freedom to accept that you have the right to change your mind if this way doesn't continue to feel right, or because you need more information, or for any other reason, I think you're in a pretty good spot. This really does get better and easier with time; hang in there.

Skan posted 1/30/2014 19:01 PM

As long as either of you don't rug-sweep, and you can talk about it if you need to, then at some point, IMO, you have to stop making the A the #1 topic o conversation and go on to work on the other things that were wrong in your marriage. And even to, GASP!!!!, actually enjoying each other's company!!

My FWH and I rarely talk about it any more. I had a recent set of triggers, but before that, it had been a couple of months. And if it comes in in passing, well, we deal with it and go on. It's not the Big Fat Hairy Elephant in the corner any more.

I think that's a healthy place to get to, and one that R'ing couples should strive for.

4everfaithful83 posted 1/30/2014 19:13 PM

Yes, exactly. I want to move forward and I feel like I'm the only one holding myself back. These last 7 months have been rough as hell. Sometimes I'm not even sure how I made it through! Or that 7 months has gone by? Where does the time go?

I'm sick of being sad all the time. I'm the one who's made the decision to stay, and give him a second chance. So I need to give R 100%, otherwise what's the point?

My therapist said something interesting to me in our last session, she said:

"What's the worst that happens? He does it again? Well then you'll know it wasn't a one time error in judgment, but a pattern and you can move on. You are strong."

Damn right I am!

Monsterslayer posted 1/31/2014 00:38 AM

Epiphany 4ever! I came to the same one in our R. I chose to stop asking, stop making myself sad, stop choosing to be blue. I realized it had become a habit or addiction and I had to snap out of it.

It wasn't easy but a huge part of our R.

tushnurse posted 1/31/2014 08:04 AM

Epiphany? Neh not so much, acceptance of what has happened? Sure.

But be very very careful here. This is when R can go awry. If the WS has still not done the work to figure out their why and worked to fix that within themselves then you are definitely at risk for a repeat performance.

This can be a time when you realize ok I get it he did it, I can't justify it so lets move on. But if NOTHING else has changed it simply becomes an exercise in rugsweeping. If your partner is doing the work however, and things have changed, and you are seeing the positive changes then it's a time where real honest healing can happen. Its when discussing triggers when they happen can be resolved, it's when trust starts to be reborn in the relationship.

It takes time time and more time, sometimes we just have to stop asking questions and give our brains a break. But keep in mind that actions, the WS's actions are where you are going to see real R happening.

(((and strength)))

MercifulH posted 1/31/2014 08:37 AM

It sounds like you two have hit a wall. Have you considered counseling? It is a surprisingly effective in many cases. It does help to have a neutral third party that can actually pick apart the situation and get to the bottom of your feelings and reactions.

4everfaithful83 posted 1/31/2014 08:51 AM

No counseling. I have been by myself but my BF does not believe in it.

He does everything else as far as R, and we have talked in great length about what role we both played in his A.

I know most of you would say that no counseling = doomed relationship, but I can't justify leaving him because he won't go to counseling, especially since he is doing everything else. Anyone else relate to this?

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