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Newest Member: NumbEmptySad (61504)

User Topic: NC slip up?
♀ 42270
Member # 42270
Question  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering if anyone can share their insights...

It has been just 2 months since DDay, and we are trying to R.

My WH has agreed to transparency, although I feel like a crazy person going through his phone and computer and accounts all the time.

He is adament about wanting to stay in the marriage and work on things, but I get the feeling its because I am the breadwinner and he is scared of D.

The other night he got drunk while he was away on business and I discovered in a social media game (he does not know I have access to) he contacted the OW after ignoring her messages since DDay. He obviously regretted it in the morning and from the chat messages told her he was drunk and apologized. However it seems to have opened up the lines of communication, and the OW is obviously not moving on.

Part of me wants to bring this to his attention that I know, part of me feels like it was a drunken slip up and I should not knee-jerk react but monitor the messages and see how it goes. Since he doesn't know I can see them it's my only insight into what they say to one another and if I point it out he may just contact her another way that I'll never know about.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is NC, drunk or not. And if it was the other night, and he still hasn't told you... that's not transparency.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
♀ 41156
Member # 41156
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 thoughts. My FWH also used game for underground contact. I would wait and watch. If there is no other contact, then all you need to deal with is the "getting drunk"--because obviously he doesn't think well when drinking. If contact contines, then that must be dealt with.

Hugs and prayers.

Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread....

Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome alleyk, I see this is your first post on SI. I'm sorry to see you here but I'm glad you found us. We are here for you. ((hugs))

As to your post:
I think it's big and needs to be dealt with. The only reason to keep it quiet is if you think there is more going on and you want to be in sleuth mode while you gather evidence.

My heart hurts for you. He absolutely broke NC. You have reason to be very concerned.

I personally would already be concerned just with him getting drunk while away on business. It's all not OK (to me at least).

This is not R. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 41956
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think being drunk is an excuse, but I wouldn't confront him yet. I'd wait a while and see if he contacts her again.

Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13
TT - 12/15/14

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jan 2014
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo. He'll confess and apologize to HER, but not to YOU? That is continuing the pattern of saving emotional intimacy for her. Of keeping secrets with her.

I wouldn't let it slide. At all.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2008
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is NC, drunk or not. And if it was the other night, and he still hasn't told you... that's not transparency

I couldn't have said it better myself. If you read my profile I had a King of breaking NC, and minimizing it's impact on our R. It wasn't until I played hard ball and told him I was done that he really got it.

Prior to that his efforts in R were a bit skewed, what I took for remorse, was more self pity, and sorry he got caught, and fear of me never getting over it.

However the real Remorse looked quite different after that.

If you had laid out consequences for him breaking NC then you absolutely HAVE to follow through. IF not then you need to make consequences, and prepare for another broken NC, because chances are it will happen again

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13283 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look Im 3 years plus out. If my Wife contacted OM tomorrow. She knows what the result would be.... NC = No New Hurts
NC = No Third Person
NC = Protecting our marriage

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 42270
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the support, the responses have been very helpful!

I decided to wait and watch, to protect my access to their communication and see how it would play out. Though it was painful to watch the communication between them, despite the OW's efforts to reel him back in, he did say he needed to decline future games/contact with her to work on his relationship with me, and they said goodbye.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be very careful in allowing being drunk to be an excuse. Suppose he had an ONS 'because' he got drunk?

In other words, his drinking to the point of getting drunk is an additional problem that you minimize at your own peril.

I'm not talking morally here, just practically. If you give him a pass when he gets drunk, you're basically encouraging him to get drunk.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16804 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 42270
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying really hard to keep it together and be "happy" that he told the OW goodbye. But I am still in shock (I guess understandably).

I have been with this person for over 10 years, M for 4, and I never in a million years would have expected him to have an A.

Although I will admit that in the months before the A started, I was having sort of a nervous breakdown, feeling stuck and was being very unpleasant to him and pushing him away. His father has just passed away and I was pushing him to move to another city 5 hours away to be closer to my own father, even though his mother is elderly and has serious health issues. Then I landed a job and moved up to start work and look for a new home for the two of us. He felt I wasn't there for him and looked elsewhere to feel good. I know this does not excuse his behaviour or make it my fault, but I see how I contributed to the disconnection in our M.

He told me the A was a fantasy turned reality, especially because the OW was so aggressive and fell so hard for him. But he also lied to the OW, telling her we were separated (we were not!). When I finally found a place and he moved with me, he told the OW he was going back to work on our marriage. After having suspicions for months I snooped on his phone and found indisputable evidence, confronted him and called the OW. She thought they were in a relationship, but now knows she was a mistress. He did try to break it off a few times, but she kept contacting him and he let it happen over and over.

Now after DD, we both want to be together and move forward, but I guess realistically feelings for the OW can't be shut off like a light switch. He was doing good until that night I guess.

Reading the IMing between them, she's telling him she sees he is 'trying to be in love with your wife' and just wants him to find 'true happiness', while still telling him she loves him, saying she'll wait for him and calling him a pet name. I would have loved to see him say to her that he loves his wife and the affair was a mistake. Instead he said he never meant to hurt anyone, and she has great instincts for what he is trying to do, but he has to decline communications.

I guess we both fell out of love, but love is still there in our M, and we are both trying to rekindle the spark. That must be a truer love than the infatuation and thrill of a forbidden A.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent, just letting it all out I guess.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 42270
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to clarify, I think my WH has had previous affairs. I have little evidence, but some questionable emails/messages and the sneaking suspicion that I have been naive. I think he has gotten used to living a double life so to speak, and lying to me. I already confronted him about drinking that night and he tried to lie, until I told him I knew it was true. (he actually was trying to give me full disclosure and texted me a picture from the bar he was at @ 2am, but then in the morning when I asked what he did the night before, he told me he was just at home - like a natural instinct to not tell me the truth after being drunk!)

Overall - he does not get any pass because he was drinking. My feeling now is that if there is ANY future contact between him and the OW, I'm done.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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