I'm trying really hard to keep it together and be "happy" that he told the OW goodbye. But I am still in shock (I guess understandably).
I have been with this person for over 10 years, M for 4, and I never in a million years would have expected him to have an A.
Although I will admit that in the months before the A started, I was having sort of a nervous breakdown, feeling stuck and was being very unpleasant to him and pushing him away. His father has just passed away and I was pushing him to move to another city 5 hours away to be closer to my own father, even though his mother is elderly and has serious health issues. Then I landed a job and moved up to start work and look for a new home for the two of us. He felt I wasn't there for him and looked elsewhere to feel good. I know this does not excuse his behaviour or make it my fault, but I see how I contributed to the disconnection in our M.
He told me the A was a fantasy turned reality, especially because the OW was so aggressive and fell so hard for him. But he also lied to the OW, telling her we were separated (we were not!). When I finally found a place and he moved with me, he told the OW he was going back to work on our marriage. After having suspicions for months I snooped on his phone and found indisputable evidence, confronted him and called the OW. She thought they were in a relationship, but now knows she was a mistress. He did try to break it off a few times, but she kept contacting him and he let it happen over and over.
Now after DD, we both want to be together and move forward, but I guess realistically feelings for the OW can't be shut off like a light switch. He was doing good until that night I guess.
Reading the IMing between them, she's telling him she sees he is 'trying to be in love with your wife' and just wants him to find 'true happiness', while still telling him she loves him, saying she'll wait for him and calling him a pet name. I would have loved to see him say to her that he loves his wife and the affair was a mistake. Instead he said he never meant to hurt anyone, and she has great instincts for what he is trying to do, but he has to decline communications.
I guess we both fell out of love, but love is still there in our M, and we are both trying to rekindle the spark. That must be a truer love than the infatuation and thrill of a forbidden A.
Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent, just letting it all out I guess.