"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Julez posted 1/30/2014 15:14 PM

I will never forget today because it is the day my world came crashing down around me. I just found out that my wife is cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend (old childhood sweetheart she reconnected with via Facebook). He actually lives in another country and my wife went there to visit her sister and while there she met him. She has been sleeping with him for the past week – which she admitted to me on the phone. She said she still loves him and wants a divorce.
I am totally shattered because we had what looked like a perfect life: totally in love, beautiful kids, and financially great (we just finished building our dream home too and moved in a few months ago). I don't understand why she would throw away a good and happy marriage. Honest to God we really were in a very good place relationship wise. Probably the best we have EVER been which is rare after so many years married. That is the ironic and painful part!

We were doing so good as a couple - we were like teenagers again. This feels like a bad dream. If we were in a bad place relationship wise then it would all make sense. The joke is we have had bad times in the past but we always pulled through. Now she goes and cheats on me when we were experiencing literally the best period in our marriage. I am just gutted right now. My mistake was to trust her too much.

I'm not perfect by a long shot and I know this sounds like boasting but I was what she needed: someone who loved her unconditionally, someone who trusted her and gave her space & freedom to be herself, someone she could confide in (she has shared her deepest secrets with me), someone she has chemistry with, someone who can make her laugh or wipe away her tears, someone who puts her first, a person who can help her with her emotional problems and someone who can provide for her financially. I was all that to her and more. I wish I was enough but obviously not. I was so faithful and committed to her.

I don’t know what to do. We emigrated to Canada 10 yrs ago and we are rather isolated socially. I made her my entire world and never made any good friends here. I thought I never needed anyone else but her. Now I am sitting here crying with nobody to turn to. She was my best friend in the world.

BS (me) 42
WS (her) 46
D-day January 30, 2014
Married 18 years
Together for 20 years
Three children 5, 8 and 15. Also have a 24-yr old step daughter.

Hannah25 posted 1/30/2014 15:20 PM

I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep reading and posting here. It has been 3 weeks since my D-Day, and coming here has helped a lot. It's amazing that there are so many of us that are feeling the same things.

norabird posted 1/30/2014 15:52 PM

I am sorry for your pain. She is living in a fantasy land. Whether she stays there....who knows.

It is a sad truth that good relationships can still be destroyed like this. It's not ultimately about the state of your interactions...it's about the internal emotional life of the cheater.

Once you come out of the shock and pain a little, see if you can think about how to make your life about other people than just her, despite your isolated location. That will help steady you and give you a feeling that you don't need her. And anything that makes you stronger is good!

Skan posted 1/30/2014 16:07 PM

I am so sorry. I'm glad that you found us for support, but I am so very sorry that you had the reason to come find us.

Listen. This is going to be hard to do, while you're dealing with being eviscerated, but you have the potential for even more horror if she has indeed completely lost her mind as well as her morals. You need to get to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. You MUST find out how you can prevent her from coming back to your home and packing up YOUR children, and taking them to another country to live with the OM. You are going to have to get mad and get strong really fast and nail down your parental rights. Here in the US I would say that you need to file for a legal separation immediately, requesting spousal support, child support, full physical custody of the children, and an injunction on them leaving the country, let alone the state you live in, without your express written permission. Then I would rent a safety deposit box and deposit their birth certificates and passports into it.

It is utterly unfair to expect you to have to do this right now, but your WW took fairness out of the equation when she chose to commit infidelity. You need to make that call.

In the meantime, please also look at the upper left corner of the screen and click on The Healing Library which is in the yellow box. Start reading. There is so much good information on there for you. You may also want to go to the I Can Relate forum and start talking with the Betrayed Men on their thread. They are a great group of guys and can give you a lot of support as well.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you.

Julez posted 1/30/2014 16:19 PM

Thank you all for the support.

The wife is coming back to Canada in a little over a week's time. She said she wants a divorce and then she will marry the new guy so he can move to join her in Canada. So she doesn't intend to leave the country permanently or take the kids with to another country (the 2 youngest boys are born in Canada and cannot legally be removed without my consent).

I assume that when she gets home we will be facing a "regular" separation and then divorce. How she deals with getting the boyfriend to Canada would be her decision.

The ironic part is that I just wish she would say she is sorry and ask for forgiveness. I love her so much and dont want to start a life without her. I know I sound like a weak fool. And it is not that I am desperate - I am a decent looking guy and I have a high profile job at a big bank in Toronto. I simply love her like I never knew I could love someone. I know time will heal this pain but it is unbearable right now.

Uhtred posted 1/30/2014 16:35 PM

Julez,

Sorry you're here man. I can relate to "the best time of our life" scenario. I thought my wife and I were entering into the best part of our lives. We had a little money and two beautiful boys. I got that carpet jerked right out from under me.

Come to find out I was married but she wasn't. I wish you all the support in the world and hope that your wife may come to her senses.

RyanCL posted 1/30/2014 16:40 PM

I'm so sorry your hurting so much. I wish I could say something full of wisdom that would help but I've got nothing:(. I do think you need to listen to the people before me and make sure you check into what you can do to stop from being screwed in the D. If she is capable of doing this to you who knows what else she will do.
Sending hugs!

MC_Jack posted 1/30/2014 17:49 PM

She is living in a fantasy land.

^^^Yep. And follow Skan's advice. While she is in fantasy land, she has the capability of doing a lot more damage to you and your kids.

Since you are in banking, I will offer a business concept: sunk cost vs. escalation of commitment. The latter is an irrational behavior based on past actions without regard to actual future porjections, right?

So your WW may have started down a destructive path of escalating the commitment and attachment to the OM, irrespective of a sane and rational look at what will happen in the future - or who the OM is - mainly because then she will not have to accept the guilt, shame, etc. of looking in the mirror and seeing what a terrible person she is being in the reflection. A subconscious effort to make the A relationship work at all costs to avoid the truth.

I am so sorry you are here, and I can relate. The night before my WW's last trip to see OM, I treated her to a cute, but hokey, Valentine's dinner. I too was thinking that our M was doing good. What did I know?. How painful to reconcile the truth with my perceptions. Stop by the Betrayed Men's thread in I Can Relate.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 5:50 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Thinkingtoomuch posted 1/30/2014 18:19 PM

Julez. you're in shock and pain. First and foremost, take care of yourself. Drink lots of fluids, eat, keep talking here. Anyone in real life to talk to? Then look into IC to help get you thru the worst days at the beginning. Read the library up in the corner. Try to gain some strength.
'
So so sorry you've been so hurt.

Julez posted 1/30/2014 19:24 PM

Yes I am in a state of shock right now. Sick to my gut and throwing up. Feels like I got sucker punched.

I really thought this type of thing only happened to other people because we were so in love.

heartbroken777 posted 1/30/2014 20:03 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I don't know why people cheat on their spouses, something I could never do. It is so painful and they turn our world upside down. It is all raw for me to right now, but coming on this forum helps a little. Take it one day at a time and find someone you can talk to and will support you during this crazy time! Take care of yourself!

strangeasfiction posted 1/30/2014 20:07 PM

I have no advice for you, Julez. But I'm right there with you, brother. Stay strong. So sorry you find yourself on this site.

Hillbilly posted 1/30/2014 20:37 PM

I'm very sorry man. You got to be strong,get mad. When it first happens I think we go into shock and we feel the pain. We jut want them back sag all cost so the pain will stop. But you must remember what she has done, you got to get mad. Look what she has done you oh and your children. I'm sorry dude, I really am. I know what it's like. I'm going thru the same thing. It will help you to get on here and share with all of us. Take care of yourself. Don't forget to eat or drink milkshakes or something.

BrooklynLove posted 1/30/2014 21:01 PM

This man is using your wife for a green card and you need to protect yourself financially. Think about you paying her alimony and child support to support this man. Be careful with your new home because if she gets it in the divorce this man will be living there. Scare her and serve her with divorce and custody papers. Move half of the money in your personal account that she does not have access to and close every joint credit card. If you have direct deposit also move it to you personal account. Trust me I went through the same thing with a slut that wanted a green card and would not go away. Once I made his life a financial hell and he couldn't afford the trips to the DR or paying her luxury apartment there, they started to have problems and he saw her for what she was. Get the guys number and threaten him that you will report him to Canadian immigration for fraud to scare him. Please expose this affair to people that can talk some sense into her because affairs thrive in secrecy. Praying for you and your family. Do not beg her and start the 180 and whatever you do, do not leave your house.

Julez posted 1/31/2014 06:04 AM

Last night was the longest night of my life. Was the first time going to bed knowing my wife is actively having an affair. Went to bed in a daze. Woke up in a daze.

I hope it gets better because I tossed and turned all night. I doubt if I got an hour of sleep.

UpInTheAirNow posted 1/31/2014 06:47 AM

I too thought I was living the best part of my life. That I had found happiness. Pisses me off.
Took about a year for my sleep to return to something normal.
I too was in shock. Took me about 5 months to come out of the fog and realize what she did was a deal breaker. Don't try to nice her back. Won't work. I tried like hell.
Read and live the 180. It's in the healing library top right corner in FAQ.
The marriage is over. Sucks. But it is over. She is broken.
Reconciliation is possable. But she is going to have to show you a huge amount of remorse. Mean time you need to prepair for the worst. Start divorce and have her served. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it. But it might wake her up and snap her out of the fog. Protect yourself financially and cut her off. Maybe make that your goal today. Cancel all joint CC. And get a few in your name only.
We have all been where you are today. Get angry and get moving. Right now it's all about what you and the kids need.
Know this, you will get through this. You will. We will help you.

kalimata posted 1/31/2014 07:14 AM

Dear Julez,

I feel for you dude. I really do. You are probably not in the right frame of mind to hear this right now, but I think I need to be blunt.

I've been through this before, although it sounds counter-intuitive, there is only one way to save your marriage. You have to be willing to walk away before she will come to her senses. She is clearly deep in the fog and in la-la land with OM. You have kids so this complicates matters, but in fact may help snap her out of the fog more quickly. Here is what I suggest. First of all KEEP CALM AND DON'T LET HER KNOW YOU ARE DOING ANY OF THIS. ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

1) Is OM married? If so get OMW contact details. If not then find out who his close friends and family are. You will need this later during D-day.
2) Who is your wife close to? Any close girlfriends? Sister? Pastor?
3) Gather up your evidence about the affair. Emails, facebook screenshots. Do you have access to her cell phone? If so look on it for text messages. There are software programs out there to help you retrieve deleted text messages and voice mails. Once you have her cell phone install some spyware on it. Turn the GPS tracking feature on her phone on so you can track where she is going. You will need this because she will surely continue to contact the OM once you confront.
4) If you don't have access to her phone then buy a couple of VARs and leave them around the house and in her car. Sony ICDPX312 is the best one. Buy some heavy duty velcro and secure
5) If you don't have access to either her phone or cell phone then buy a keylogger and install onto the computer she uses. There are software keyloggers and hardware based ones. If she is tech saavy then go with the hardware type. If not and if you have admin privileges on the computer install a software based logger. This will help you in the future keep track of whether or not she is continuing the A with OM.
6) Go see a lawyer. Get D papers drafted. Does Canada have infidelity as a grounds for D? You can file the D papers but it takes several months to finalize, so you can always withdraw later if she comes to her senses. But you NEED TO BE PREPARED TO FILE.
7) Once you have enough evidence, expose the affair to her close friends, your family, your kids, her family. If you expose via FB be careful not to send more than 1 message each minute else it will mark yours as spam. Tell them you want to save the marriage and need their help. Ask for their support. She will FLIP out that you told everyone, but this is critical. Be prepared for a big war. But be firm, that you want to save the marriage and sought help from everyone you thought would care. Affairs like the dark. Shine the light and the A will wither away to nothing.
8) The most critical person to expose to will be OMW. Once OMW knows, OM will likely throw your WW under the bus. Be sure to expose to her in a way that it can't be intercepted by OM. Direct face-to-face contact is best. Show her enough evidence and ask for her help in getting both waywards back into marriage.
9) Confront. Corner your wife in a place where she can't freak out and explain calmly that you are giving her an ultimatam: him or you. She cannot continue to see OM and have her family (cake) too. Explain that you will not be treated like a doormat and won't stand for this. She can continue to see OM if she wants, but you will be filing for D. IF SHE FALTERS EVEN A TINY BIT AND SHE DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY CRY AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS THEN IMMEDIATELY FILE THE PAPERS. this will be a critical moment. If she starts to blame you for the problems in the marriage and wants to argue, just walk away and say that you don't want to talk about this right now and all you are interested in is saving the marriage. Then File the papers. This is the only thing that will snap her out.
10) If she begs and pleads on confrontation day, then immediately tell her that she must agree to the following: 100% no contact with OM for the rest of her life, write a NC letter, change her cell phone # and block OM, change her email address and block OM, STD testing, IC and MC for you both. If you really want to throw her for a loop then ask her for paternity testing for your 3 kids (this will let her know how deeply you have been affected and mistrust her now)

Once you do this, come back here and post and we will tell you what to do next. I'm so sorry you are here. But we will take care of you, man.

kalimata posted 1/31/2014 07:22 AM

Julez - I just went back and re-read your post #2,3 and 4. You are in a daze. I can completely understand what you are going thru right now.

I'm sorry to say, but it will get worse before it gets better. But it will get a LOT better, I promise you. Make sure to eat, and drink. Avoid alcohol. Try to sleep whenever you can (I know its hard).

MOST OF ALL DON'T ACT LIKE A P*SSY. Show her you are strong. DO NOT BEG AND PLEAD WITH HER. It will only make things worse. She has made her decision, so now its up to you to show her how a D will REALLY BE.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO NICE HER OUT OF THE IDEA OF D. It simply won't work.

Julez posted 1/31/2014 07:22 AM

Kalimata my head is spinning.
I am in such a deep funk and almost a state of denial but I know I will snap out of this. I just need a few days.

kalimata posted 1/31/2014 07:31 AM

Julez: the key to stopping this A is the OMW. Did you find out if OM has a wife? If so do you have a way to contact her?