We were doing so good as a couple - we were like teenagers again. This feels like a bad dream. If we were in a bad place relationship wise then it would all make sense. The joke is we have had bad times in the past but we always pulled through. Now she goes and cheats on me when we were experiencing literally the best period in our marriage. I am just gutted right now. My mistake was to trust her too much.
I'm not perfect by a long shot and I know this sounds like boasting but I was what she needed: someone who loved her unconditionally, someone who trusted her and gave her space & freedom to be herself, someone she could confide in (she has shared her deepest secrets with me), someone she has chemistry with, someone who can make her laugh or wipe away her tears, someone who puts her first, a person who can help her with her emotional problems and someone who can provide for her financially. I was all that to her and more. I wish I was enough but obviously not. I was so faithful and committed to her.
I don’t know what to do. We emigrated to Canada 10 yrs ago and we are rather isolated socially. I made her my entire world and never made any good friends here. I thought I never needed anyone else but her. Now I am sitting here crying with nobody to turn to. She was my best friend in the world.
BS (me) 42 WS (her) 46 D-day January 30, 2014 Married 18 years Together for 20 years Three children 5, 8 and 15. Also have a 24-yr old step daughter.
It is a sad truth that good relationships can still be destroyed like this. It's not ultimately about the state of your interactions...it's about the internal emotional life of the cheater.
Once you come out of the shock and pain a little, see if you can think about how to make your life about other people than just her, despite your isolated location. That will help steady you and give you a feeling that you don't need her. And anything that makes you stronger is good!
Listen. This is going to be hard to do, while you're dealing with being eviscerated, but you have the potential for even more horror if she has indeed completely lost her mind as well as her morals. You need to get to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. You MUST find out how you can prevent her from coming back to your home and packing up YOUR children, and taking them to another country to live with the OM. You are going to have to get mad and get strong really fast and nail down your parental rights. Here in the US I would say that you need to file for a legal separation immediately, requesting spousal support, child support, full physical custody of the children, and an injunction on them leaving the country, let alone the state you live in, without your express written permission. Then I would rent a safety deposit box and deposit their birth certificates and passports into it.
It is utterly unfair to expect you to have to do this right now, but your WW took fairness out of the equation when she chose to commit infidelity. You need to make that call.
In the meantime, please also look at the upper left corner of the screen and click on The Healing Library which is in the yellow box. Start reading. There is so much good information on there for you. You may also want to go to the I Can Relate forum and start talking with the Betrayed Men on their thread. They are a great group of guys and can give you a lot of support as well.
Please come back often for support. We're all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
The wife is coming back to Canada in a little over a week's time. She said she wants a divorce and then she will marry the new guy so he can move to join her in Canada. So she doesn't intend to leave the country permanently or take the kids with to another country (the 2 youngest boys are born in Canada and cannot legally be removed without my consent).
I assume that when she gets home we will be facing a "regular" separation and then divorce. How she deals with getting the boyfriend to Canada would be her decision.
The ironic part is that I just wish she would say she is sorry and ask for forgiveness. I love her so much and dont want to start a life without her. I know I sound like a weak fool. And it is not that I am desperate - I am a decent looking guy and I have a high profile job at a big bank in Toronto. I simply love her like I never knew I could love someone. I know time will heal this pain but it is unbearable right now.
Sorry you're here man. I can relate to "the best time of our life" scenario. I thought my wife and I were entering into the best part of our lives. We had a little money and two beautiful boys. I got that carpet jerked right out from under me.
Come to find out I was married but she wasn't. I wish you all the support in the world and hope that your wife may come to her senses.
She is living in a fantasy land.
Since you are in banking, I will offer a business concept: sunk cost vs. escalation of commitment. The latter is an irrational behavior based on past actions without regard to actual future porjections, right?
So your WW may have started down a destructive path of escalating the commitment and attachment to the OM, irrespective of a sane and rational look at what will happen in the future - or who the OM is - mainly because then she will not have to accept the guilt, shame, etc. of looking in the mirror and seeing what a terrible person she is being in the reflection. A subconscious effort to make the A relationship work at all costs to avoid the truth.
I am so sorry you are here, and I can relate. The night before my WW's last trip to see OM, I treated her to a cute, but hokey, Valentine's dinner. I too was thinking that our M was doing good. What did I know?. How painful to reconcile the truth with my perceptions. Stop by the Betrayed Men's thread in I Can Relate.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 5:50 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]
I really thought this type of thing only happened to other people because we were so in love.
BW - Me (29) WH - Him my JH sweetheart (34) Married - 8 years 2 babies - DD (4) and DD (1) OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on for ye
I hope it gets better because I tossed and turned all night. I doubt if I got an hour of sleep.
I feel for you dude. I really do. You are probably not in the right frame of mind to hear this right now, but I think I need to be blunt.
I've been through this before, although it sounds counter-intuitive, there is only one way to save your marriage. You have to be willing to walk away before she will come to her senses. She is clearly deep in the fog and in la-la land with OM. You have kids so this complicates matters, but in fact may help snap her out of the fog more quickly. Here is what I suggest. First of all KEEP CALM AND DON'T LET HER KNOW YOU ARE DOING ANY OF THIS. ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
1) Is OM married? If so get OMW contact details. If not then find out who his close friends and family are. You will need this later during D-day. 2) Who is your wife close to? Any close girlfriends? Sister? Pastor? 3) Gather up your evidence about the affair. Emails, facebook screenshots. Do you have access to her cell phone? If so look on it for text messages. There are software programs out there to help you retrieve deleted text messages and voice mails. Once you have her cell phone install some spyware on it. Turn the GPS tracking feature on her phone on so you can track where she is going. You will need this because she will surely continue to contact the OM once you confront. 4) If you don't have access to her phone then buy a couple of VARs and leave them around the house and in her car. Sony ICDPX312 is the best one. Buy some heavy duty velcro and secure 5) If you don't have access to either her phone or cell phone then buy a keylogger and install onto the computer she uses. There are software keyloggers and hardware based ones. If she is tech saavy then go with the hardware type. If not and if you have admin privileges on the computer install a software based logger. This will help you in the future keep track of whether or not she is continuing the A with OM. 6) Go see a lawyer. Get D papers drafted. Does Canada have infidelity as a grounds for D? You can file the D papers but it takes several months to finalize, so you can always withdraw later if she comes to her senses. But you NEED TO BE PREPARED TO FILE. 7) Once you have enough evidence, expose the affair to her close friends, your family, your kids, her family. If you expose via FB be careful not to send more than 1 message each minute else it will mark yours as spam. Tell them you want to save the marriage and need their help. Ask for their support. She will FLIP out that you told everyone, but this is critical. Be prepared for a big war. But be firm, that you want to save the marriage and sought help from everyone you thought would care. Affairs like the dark. Shine the light and the A will wither away to nothing. 8) The most critical person to expose to will be OMW. Once OMW knows, OM will likely throw your WW under the bus. Be sure to expose to her in a way that it can't be intercepted by OM. Direct face-to-face contact is best. Show her enough evidence and ask for her help in getting both waywards back into marriage. 9) Confront. Corner your wife in a place where she can't freak out and explain calmly that you are giving her an ultimatam: him or you. She cannot continue to see OM and have her family (cake) too. Explain that you will not be treated like a doormat and won't stand for this. She can continue to see OM if she wants, but you will be filing for D. IF SHE FALTERS EVEN A TINY BIT AND SHE DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY CRY AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS THEN IMMEDIATELY FILE THE PAPERS. this will be a critical moment. If she starts to blame you for the problems in the marriage and wants to argue, just walk away and say that you don't want to talk about this right now and all you are interested in is saving the marriage. Then File the papers. This is the only thing that will snap her out. 10) If she begs and pleads on confrontation day, then immediately tell her that she must agree to the following: 100% no contact with OM for the rest of her life, write a NC letter, change her cell phone # and block OM, change her email address and block OM, STD testing, IC and MC for you both. If you really want to throw her for a loop then ask her for paternity testing for your 3 kids (this will let her know how deeply you have been affected and mistrust her now)
Once you do this, come back here and post and we will tell you what to do next. I'm so sorry you are here. But we will take care of you, man.
I'm sorry to say, but it will get worse before it gets better. But it will get a LOT better, I promise you. Make sure to eat, and drink. Avoid alcohol. Try to sleep whenever you can (I know its hard).
MOST OF ALL DON'T ACT LIKE A P*SSY. Show her you are strong. DO NOT BEG AND PLEAD WITH HER. It will only make things worse. She has made her decision, so now its up to you to show her how a D will REALLY BE.
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO NICE HER OUT OF THE IDEA OF D. It simply won't work.
