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Unrealistic expectations or still in the fog? WS input welcome.

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SAR681 posted 1/30/2014 15:14 PM

A few weeks ago we had a few scary conversations teetering on the brink of separation. Anyway, it really seemed that fwh made a break through. From that point forward, he was able to admit that there were internal issues to address vs his A being a product of solely external factors. And restarted IC and (per the counselor) was an active participant, which he was not prior.

Two weeks ago fwh confessed to me that although he had no plans to follow through, he had feelings that he wanted to contact OW. I brought my concerns here and you guys put things in perspective. He happened to have an IC appt the next day. His homework was to write a letter to her and to read it aloud at his next appt (which was yesterday).

I didn't know about this exercise until he came bounding home from counseling yesterday, excited to share his letter with me. He said that he knew one part would be hard for me to hear, but overall he thought it would be good for me to hear.

Nearly the entire thing cut me like a knife. I know he was disappointed in my reaction. I did tell him that I appreciated him opening up to me. And he did have a paragraph talking about how I stood by him at his worst, even when I wasn't sure that we'd make it. He also talked about his vision of our future together.

But I couldn't get past a few things he included. He opened it with something along the lines of "I've missed you and there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about you.". And then he ended it with something like "although I don't hate you and I'm not angry with you, I hope I never see you again.

He argued that the first paragraph was past tense. I don't see it that way. He talks about how he knows that the person he knew
wasn't real - that it was all fantasy. But, his letter doesn't sound like that. It sounds to me that he still has feelings for her, but doesn't plan on acting on it because I will leave.

I've always said that I don't want him to remain NC with her because I'm requiring it, but because he sees her for who she is and doesn't want to contact her. Is that unreasonable? I'm currently fighting the urge to give up and flee. Is he still in the fog? We didn't have too much time to discuss the letter last night before he needed to leave for work, so I expect another conversation today and I'm just looking for some outside perspective.

steadfast1973 posted 1/30/2014 15:36 PM

I've always said that I don't want him to remain NC with her because I'm requiring it, but because he sees her for who she is and doesn't want to contact her. Is that unreasonable?

He will get there. It sounds like he still hasn't fully seen her for the homewrecker that she is.

That first line.

rachelc posted 1/30/2014 15:44 PM

of "I've missed you and there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about you.".

If I was in recovery and my husband wrote this to the OW I would leave. He's way in the fog!! And how did the IC think this would be a good idea???

steadfast1973 posted 1/30/2014 15:51 PM

Yeah... I just read your blog. How could he possibly NOT see her for the whore that she is? Still foggy. It's been a year.

Melian40 posted 1/30/2014 17:11 PM

At least indifference would be a healthy thing to feel IMO, not "I missed you" after a whole year.

Skan posted 1/30/2014 19:10 PM

I would have a really, really hard time with that letter being read to me. "I used to miss you," now that's past tense. "I've missed you" is sorta like seeing someone come off of an airplane, running up to them and giving them a big hug while whispering "I've missed you" in their ear. And that ending?

Sorry. That doesn't say remorseful to me. It sounds like a fond, fond memory.

creativecat posted 2/1/2014 11:04 AM

If he's still having feelings about wanting to contact the OW, and writing things like that in a letter, he's gotta still be foggy. Glad he's transparent, but he sure doesn't "get it" in terms of why those things are not good?

Are you in MC? Maybe you could bring this "exercise" up at an appointment, and have an objective 3rd party explain to him what it sounds like? And you can state your feelings about NC and have the C back you up?

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