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Not sure how to feel about what just happened

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roseguide posted 1/30/2014 17:17 PM

So I've been with a guy for six months - we've been exclusive the entire time by default but actually had the talk and decided to be exclusive about five months ago. (I blew off an SI G2G for our first date!!! Oops!)

I believe we were serious - we talked about getting a place together. He turned down a job out of state to stay close to me. I'm looking for a job so I've been looking near his house so we could spend more time together. We really seem to be doing well. We spent a lot of our spare time together. Always having fun and doing very domestic things. His friends think I'm great. One of them recently told him he was a lucky guy and he should hang on to me.

He spent the holidays with me and my family.

Last week we went to a group that I belong to and I noticed a women from the group was showing some interest in my SO. She didn't seem to hide it at all. I've known her for about a year but I don't know her well. At the end she was casually asking where I lived and then asked where SO lived. she was trying to find out if we were a serious couple. There were other subtle clues.

Because of the way the group is set up they spent some time chatting.

On the way home my SO was discussing what they had been talking about (the previous week she and my SO talked about her relationship with a man that just doesn't understand her and this week they talked about her breakup) and my radar went up. I pointed out that she was showing she was interested in him and I was not comfortable with that. Also what he said to her "You deserve to be with someone who understands you" (I said "Like you?")

When we got back to his place (I spend most of my time there)He signed up to be a part of the group- he hadn't shown any interest before. First thing that popped into my head was "Now he can contact her directly"

I did not jump on this. I sat back and tried to review the situation to see if I was projecting past experience.

With in four days we were broken up because he says "We want different things" and "You deserve to have someone who wants you completely and that's not me"

During our last (FINAL) conversation today he said he intended to keep going to the group because he liked it. When I asked why he wanted to go he said "It's none of your business"

I think it's obvious what's going on. When I asked direct questions I got the runaround.

On the upside I think it's good that he dumped me before they actually got together. Does that make him a good guy?

Anyway - here I am back to feeling like crap. What is wrong with me that no man wants me that they can be so easily pulled away by another woman.

Why am I not worth the effort?

On the upside I saw a recent pic of my XWH and he looks really, really sad and miserable.

I'm so far from what I was expecting at my age. I though my X and I would be enjoying our golden years and our Grandchildren but instead his selfishness catapulted me into this hellish world of senior dating.

[This message edited by roseguide at 5:17 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Williesmom posted 1/30/2014 17:21 PM


I'm sorry. I think he acted like an ass.

roseguide posted 1/30/2014 17:48 PM


nowiknow23 posted 1/30/2014 17:51 PM

((((roseguide)))) I don't think there's a single thing wrong with you, honey. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

risingfromashes posted 1/30/2014 18:00 PM

Wait! Isn't this your group? They should leave.

So sorry. He did act like an ass. He will do the same thing to her.

Random thoughts posted 1/30/2014 18:09 PM

He's an ass and by the looks of it, he and the ow will be broken up soon....needy and knights not a good combo.

Was he the only new guy there and does she do this scouting out the new men all the time?

fireproof posted 1/30/2014 18:14 PM

I would expect the facilitator of the group to ask him to join another group.

If it is a meetup or another social group I would decide if it important to you to keep going and hold your head up high or I would find another group that is on the same topic. You don't need to be around that.

Unfortunately I don't know how old you are but I have been out with people 50+ and the reality is that there are more women out there and less men. Women are aggressive.

I was in a sorority with a ton of what I think beautiful women and I never heard them say they wanted to marry a ......
In the real world I have heard that more and more.

Focus on you and be thankful if he was that flippant than he would have done it in the near future.

You deserve someone who adores you and thinks he is the most fortunate guy! Good luck!

mandan66 posted 1/30/2014 18:20 PM

Let me just chime in and say no, his little reveal does not make him a 'good guy'. It makes him a freaking jackass!
As to him in your group---yeah, that's a tough one. I've got a buddy in one of my meet-ups that had the exact same thing happen to him, and now he's avoiding all the one's she shows up to, which if pretty much all of em. And like you, he invited her in the first place!
Rose---whataya gonna do. Loyalty and honesty in dating is about as common as fur on fish, unfortunately.
Just keep hanging in there honey. I'm with you, this older age dating IS hell on earth. I've just started, and its all I can do to not second guess every move I make. Your damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Just drink a lot of cocktails (just kidding)and PM anytime if you're feeling bummed out.

roseguide posted 1/30/2014 18:41 PM

Wow. I honestly thought I was overreacting because of my history with infidelity.
Thanks everyone.

When I saw them talking I saw the attraction, it was palpable. But now that you mention it it was a "needy and knights" kind of vibe.

It is a meetup. I am close friends with the facilitator but don't want to put her in an awkward position based on something I think may be going on.

But you are right - I will not be pushed out. These people were really there for me through my divorce. I am waiting for the next meeting to be posted and I will deal with it then - if for no other reason than I will be less emotional. Or I might sit down and talk it through with the facilitator.

There are rarely men at these groups - he's the first in over a year.

He mentioned that he hated being alone during the holidays, that it was tough...Now I wonder if he's been wanting out for a while.


We had specific plans (holidays, events) going at least six months out. I know it sounds ridiculous because my XWH bailed on 27 years of plans, but I'm really sad about losing out on the things we were going to do. I know I will have other things to do. I'm just being whiny because it just happened.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate your support and advice.

Nature_Girl posted 1/30/2014 19:28 PM

I would be extremely pissed. And I'd tell the facilitator(s) if this woman hunted your date.

positively4thst posted 1/30/2014 20:10 PM

First off, I'm very sorry you are hurting. Your divorce through infidelity is a very traumatic experience and the effects of it linger for a lifetime.

As far as this guy, consider him part of your journey on your way to better things for yourself. It was short and sweet and you are lucky he showed his true colors soon enough. Meetup is a public group where anyone can attend. I myself would not make a scene about it by bringing it to anyone's attention, and no one is going to throw either of them out. It won't make any difference to your jackass ex boyfriend or his lady of the day, except they may enjoy it at your expense. I would either continue going, hold my head up high, ignore them, and enjoy the group as I did - fake it till you make it. If that's too hard to do, maybe stay away for a while.

Take it from me, you will meet a lot of people and you will get stronger as you do, but in a good way, not in a negative what doesn't kill you makes you stronger way. You don't give so much of yourself right away and you love yourself more. You won't feel the earth has fallen out under your feet because of how another person treats you or views you. You smile and keep moving forward towards better things. Wishing you the same.

NaiveAgain posted 1/30/2014 21:23 PM

At least it is good to know your radar is working well! I'm sorry this happened to you though.

Why am I not worth the effort?
You are. This guy is not willing to put any real effort towards getting and keeping someone. He wants the quick and easy (and it doesn't get much quicker than the way she mate poached him.)

Good riddance to both of them. Hold your head high so they know you aren't missing him because you can do better and you are quite happy without him.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:23 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Charity411 posted 1/31/2014 11:21 AM

I completely understand your feelings. I do however have to gently disagree with the assumption that he's a jackass. I think you are going through something that all of us do. The hard reality of dating. Your world for 27 years has been one of an expectation that first of all your relationship was exclusive and second of all it was forever. Obviously neither turned out to be true, but based on your knowledge at the time it was true.

It's hard to switch gears to dating again. We want that old feeling of security we thought we had in marriage. It just doesn't exist in dating. Unless you're engaged and heading down the aisle, it's just dating. And even if you are in an exclusive dating relationship, it's still just dating. It isn't marriage and either one of you can choose another option at any time.

It hurts when your date chooses another direction but that choice doesn't necessarily make him a jackass. He would be a jackass if he strung you along while pursuing her. I think he was honest with you in saying you wanted different things. I don't think you'd have felt any better if he said "I want to pursue this other woman." I think sometimes we can be too fast to paint a person in a dating relationship as the bad guy or girl who is now interested in someone who must be needy or flawed when we don't really know that that's the case. They just made a choice to end a dating relationship. If they can't do that without being a bad person, then aren't we really assuming a dating relationship is no different than marriage?

It is completely natural to feel the way you do. It's very hard to wipe away the hurt and rejection of a failed marriage due to infidelity. But don't ever think you aren't worth it. You just haven't found a person who wants the same things yet.

mixedemotions posted 1/31/2014 11:33 AM

I'm sure there were plenty of good reasons you liked him, but all I see from this example is weakness, disloyalty, and a sad need for attention from pathetic women. I know you're hurting, but I'm happy he excused himself early enough that the collateral damage isn't too, too bad (emphasis on "too" because I know how much it does hurt, not trivializing that)

There's nothing wrong with you, there's just something broken in him and clearly broken in her too.

(((Rose))) onwards and upwards!

thyme2go posted 1/31/2014 12:29 PM

I don't see how he is a jackass/ass for ending the relationship. He changed his mind and was honest about it.

That being said, it would be noble of him to step away from the group and allow you to hang with your friends in peace and comfort. If he does not? Yeah - he gets a JA crown.


roseguide posted 1/31/2014 16:41 PM

Again - Thank you everyone for your wisdom and insight.

It's difficult to be in the middle of this and not see be overwhelmed by emotion. That's another reason the SI family is such a great support system. You can all sympathize, empathize and still add a little objectivity.

Also - as many of you have noted- I am way out of practice with the dating thing.

This had never, ever occurred to me...

Unless you're engaged and heading down the aisle, it's just dating. And even if you are in an exclusive dating relationship, it's still just dating. It isn't marriage and either one of you can choose another option at any time.

This certainly put things into perspective. Kind of woke me up a little from my spiral.

Having had a little time to reflect (and calm down) I do believe he did the right thing. We just wanted different things. And I just overreacted to the rejection.

I think this may have been brewing for a little while and the thing with the girl is just really unfortunate timing.

Feeling much, much better about things today. I just needed to hash it out and get perspective.

Oh the Irony posted 1/31/2014 16:53 PM

I don't think you need to label yourself with the "overeacting" label though. Your feelings are your feelings--and it doesn't feel good to have things end. Especially when it is for someone else.

Congratulate yourself on your intuition being accurate. And be thankful that he didn't continue with you and gaslight you. I think it sounds like you've got your head on pretty well.

phmh posted 1/31/2014 18:35 PM

We've all been there where it's hard to see things clearly when it's your life. Don't be too hard on yourself -- I agree with Oh The Irony -- you didn't overreact. Feel those feelings. And then you came to your support system and listened to what was said. Sounds like you handled things perfectly!!!


I keep telling myself that when romantic relationships don't work out that I'm one guy closer to finding the right one. You, too, but heal and feel and grieve first!

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