I posted a few times in the New Member D-Day thread.....then have been working on R for the past two months. My D-Day was Dec 2nd....we have been married 48 years...yes 48! I found an email from the OW on his computer and it all fell apart. He admitted the affair, ongoing 18 years...a "friend with benefits"..and he cared for her. Within 10 minutes of my finding the email he called her and ended it, we have started IC and MC and he seems truly remorseful and not only ready but eager for changes and to make our M work. The first 5 weeks was a black hole for me...he said and appeared to be relieved to move forward, the deceit was over. I had just found out and was just beginning my journey....questions, answers...he was honest with me. Much of it hurt terribly! He started the affair years ago during a 1 year separation, and continued it beyond the point when we got back together again. Which I am still trying to understand. He is super codependent, a people pleaser....told me it started during the separation and he couldn't break it off because he didn't want to hurt her, or me if I found out, and was afraid if he did, the OW would tell me. I swing between understanding his issues and why he was vulnerable...and totally not believing how anyone could continue for that long without doing anything about it...if he REALLY wanted it to end.
The MC we saw was more destructive to me than the affair....it felt like she was blaming me, that I should have been different, a better wife, that I should understand him....huh? That I shouldn't punish him forever....it felt like everyone was moving forward except me..that no one was concerned with the betrayal and pain I felt....just "lets just build a better marriage". I found another counselor after seeing this person with my H, for 4 session and feeling worse each time....Maybe therapists are trained this way about affairs? My H is still seeing her for IC as she seems to like him better...I am seeing someone else now for IC and doing much better. We are both starting MC with MY therapist using Imago Therapy approach, in about a week. Took us a while individually before we could really work together and not fear hurting the other or killing each other in the MC session. I think we are ready for MC now.
The R swings between good days, great days...and horrible days when my triggers kick in and I fall into the hole again. He has made many changes....is more present, remorseful, listens, is more open and available...he has always been emotionally unavailable and a runner..running from emotions and conflict, keeping it all in, telling me what he thinks I want to hear...then blowing up later when it gets overwhelming...the affair was one result of that, I guess. He now says he is done lying and covering up...and I am seeing that to be true. Some of his honesty hurts me...but we are doing it lovingly...and not hurtfully...and we are better together for it. He is working on his codependent issues and I am working on my control issues.....slow progress, but progress anyway. We both feel like it is a new M, and we are newlyweds at times....and other times the work to be done seems so overwhelming that is it hard not to give up. I believe there is real love between us....I understand that the affair was to meet needs he felt weren't getting met in the M....yet I had my own unmet needs over the years, one being his lack of investment in the relationship and his emotional unavailability. And I didn't have an affair.
Instead he took his emotions elsewhere. The OW got that and it kills me to know that. Yet I know it was easier for him to do that because it wasn't "real"...she didn't have to do the daily living things..kids, bills, real life, with him. Understanding does not mean I condone it, nor do I excuse it....or forgive it, yet. I just am understanding what happened and how we got there and were are trying to build a new M relationship. Sometimes my stuff gets in the way....I try to control things..by asking questions that no one can forsee the answer to...thinking if I get the right answers everything will be fine. Down deep I know I can only control myself and not his behaviors and have to concentrate on making myself stronger and better able to handle whatever happens. I think we will make it but no guarantees..this A has taught me that! I do believe he will not see the OW again...as long as we are married...yet I know he had feelings for her, that she was a friend (in his mind..he has not come to the conclusion that she was a homewrecker) and unrealistically I want him to NOT have feelings for her. How stupid, I know! I'm asking him NOT to lie, then I ask him a question like that! I am setting him up, I know!
We had a discussion this evening about "If I were to die would he go back to her?" I know..I asked a dumb question...I wanted him to say "no, it is over" but he said he didn't know. I could see he was struggling with telling me the truth....after much discussion, he finally said "maybe, because she is the only one I know...but maybe she will have found someone else by them". That makes me think she is sort of waiting in the wings....and if he doesn't have me, he will go back there....didn't make me feel good. I wanted him to say that he ended it because he loved me and wanted it to be over with her...he says he had wanted it to end for the last 10 years but just could not end it himself and was hoping SHE would end it...On the other hand I keep telling myself he has chosen to be with me...the last separation, and this time....and the only reason I am giving it another chance this time is that I see big changes in his attitude and desire to get help and he IS changing, being open, and more emotionally present. The last separation we just picked up and continued, had some MC but he was not invested and I overlooked it. That wont happen again!
SO my questions...
What does 2 months of R look like?
Am I asking stupid questions?
Am I asking for guarantees that don't exist?
Can we succeed on R if he still has feelings for the OW, even though he has stopped contact and says he will never see her again?
I try to remain in the present and not think about the future...just take a day at a time. Sometimes I feel guilty when we have a good day....thinking it is too soon..should I be still in my dark hole all the time? Does it send the wrong signal to him that he can get away with the A if it seems like I am not always concentrating on it? We have been in intense therapy sessions and our own discussions daily...spending hours sometimes...and the emotions are overwhelming at times...so I think we both feel we need to come up for air and "do real life" and have a bit of fun...go out for dinner, see a movie, out for a drink, etc. We are both retired so we have the time to do that...AND to work non-stop on the relationship. I just need some pointers and input from some R veterans....when does it get easier, what does it look like? Thanks!