SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

hurtingfather posted 1/30/2014 21:00 PM

Wow! Where do I begin? After 18 years of marriage my wife chose to become in her words "extremely close" with our sons basketball coach. Only after I found out about her emotional affair did she rationalize it by telling me "he was there for me when you weren't" She tells me she wants to work on our marriage but I'm not convinced she doesn't have feelings for the coach yet.
Shortly after finding out about her affair, I discovered she has spent our savings of $20,000.00 and borrowed another $40,000.00 without telling me. When I asked her about the money she said "I couldn't tell you or you'd get mad and that she thought she could take care of it herself.
So here I am with a broken heart and much deeper in debt. We are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. We are going to counselling and I know this will take a long time but can I ever trust her again?

norabird posted 1/30/2014 21:06 PM

I'm so sorry! The debt on top of everything--what a double betrayal. I would not start trying to trust her yet or any time soon--put that thought aside. Right now you definitely can't. I have to say I would be worried that EA was a PA too; obviously I'm outside the situation, but her word right now means nothing and you should not believe her until and unless she proves by her actions that she is remorseful and committed. What is her attitude in counseling and when you talk about the A and the money?

hurtingfather posted 1/30/2014 21:13 PM

Her attitude is that she's not responsible. ie, she became close to the coach because "I wasn't there for her". She didn't tell me about the money because she thought "I would get mad". In each case she is deflecting the blame towards me.

mandan66 posted 1/30/2014 21:19 PM

Brother,
So sorry for your pain; I've been there. Any idea what the money was spent on?
And yes, her word right now means NOTHING! EA becomes PA pretty quickly, so if she didn't get physical, it could if it goes underground. You gotta out this sucker, and quick. Does this 'coach' have a wife?

Brandon808 posted 1/30/2014 21:19 PM

$60,000 and an EA???

Please
Please
Please

See a lawyer tomorrow. She spent and borrowed a total of $60,000 on top of giving you that lame excuse. She is putting her family in jeopardy.

p.s. Be prepared for the EA to turn out to be a PA

honorthywife posted 1/30/2014 21:24 PM

Im with you brother. The trust issue is huge. Do I worry about where she is, whats she doing, whos she with? Im dealing with the same issue, one of many. Maintain your composure and think rationally. Emotions got your WS into this, I pray for both of our sakes that rational thought will get us out!
Understanably that nothing anyone says will remove the pain or doubt. She has to live with regret for the rest of her life....forgiving and forgetting is possible but it will take time. I just started the walk of doubt myself. Good luck.

hurtingfather posted 1/30/2014 21:29 PM

No wife. 13 years younger than ws

ZedLeppelin posted 1/30/2014 23:41 PM

Lawyer up and protect yourself now!

I think I can posted 1/31/2014 06:58 AM

How did she borrow it? Is it in her name or your name?

If it is in her name, DO NOT, while you are trying to reconcile, refinance so that it is in your name.

Is the coach married? PLEASE tell the wife. This is in the best interests of saving your marriage. It drags the secret into the brutal light of day and exposes it for the tawdry ugly thing it really is.

kalimata posted 1/31/2014 07:28 AM

Dude, your wife is lying. She wouldn't give $60K to someone that she has never slept with. This is a PA pure and simple. I bet it has been going on for some time.

Seek help of a lawyer. Start preparing for D. Find out the OMW, expose and let the shyte hit the fan.

If she doesn't come back to you begging and pleading to stay, then kick her to the curb. You don't need her.

toomanyregrets posted 2/1/2014 08:43 AM

Exactly what did your WW manage to spend $60000.00 on? The OM ?

k94ever posted 2/1/2014 08:54 AM

I'm sorry Hurt, but you really need to protect yourself and get a lawyer.

{{{hugs}}}

k9

tooanalytical posted 2/1/2014 09:18 AM

hurtingfather,

I am sorry you are here. The OM with my FWW was also the basketball coach of daughters team(see my profile). On d-day, I was done and wasn't going to put up with any blameshifting, sitting on the fence, further contact with OM, and certainly no more lies. Those were my terms and she could pick him or me right then. Otherwise I was starting D and told her we need to tell the kids. I was in a serious 180 from day 1. Her fog lifted fast.

Stay strong for yourself and do not enable her to keep treating you like a doormat or back up plan.

[This message edited by tooanalytical at 9:18 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

hurtingfather posted 2/1/2014 11:42 AM

I don't deny my wife's feeling emotionally abandoned. I have identified the things I need to change . Now that I've done a 180 in "being there for her", I feel like I'm the one apologizing for HER bad behavior. Meanwhile, we live in a small town and their paths cross frequently, so I'm continuing to struggle with believing its over.

hurtingfather posted 2/1/2014 11:42 AM

I don't deny my wife's feeling emotionally abandoned. I have identified the things I need to change . Now that I've done a 180 in "being there for her", I feel like I'm the one apologizing for HER bad behavior. Meanwhile, we live in a small town and their paths cross frequently, so I'm continuing to struggle with believing its over.

keptmyword posted 2/1/2014 11:44 AM

"he was there for me when you weren't"

The quick and convenient blame-throwing excuse choice of weak-minded, backstabbing cowards.

I got the same exact bullshit excuses. My ex-POS wife also sank us into debt behind my back. She also tried to extremely minimize what had actually transpired.

She is acting the way she is for one reason only: She got caught.

She knows it is wrong. She knows it is despicable. She knows she would never want anyone to the same thing to her - ever. And, she knew all this before she did it too.

Like my ex, she also has the heart of a coward. She does not, and likely will never, have the fortitude to face herself, her deeply ingrained issues, and especially the people she hurt so badly.

It is far, far easier for her to blame and run away.

In the end, what she has done has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage. Adultery/infidelity is not the result of a marital failure. It is a personal failure.

My suggestion would be to retain an aggressive divorce attorney, file for divorce immediately, and see what her response is. If it is one iota short of complete and utter honesty, confession, and being horrified at what she has done then aggressively pursue the divorce.

It will be much better and less painful to close this chapter of your life than live in a constant state of wondering where she is, what she is feeling, who is she with, her blaming you, and constantly feeling like your life is being dictated by fucked-up emotional needs of a neurotic, dysfunctional piece of shit who only cares about herself and how she feels.

hurtingfather posted 2/3/2014 07:02 AM

just an update about how I feel and some questions. It seems easy for my wife to go on with life. I guess in her mind she's not responsible for her affair. I'm not sure she realizes in dying inside. Maybe I've made it too comfortable for her. She's a stay at home mom so she's able to spend a lot of time on facebook and texting to her friends and take naps during the afternoon.

Jduff posted 2/3/2014 10:04 AM

This emotional roller coaster is going to be hell for a while longer. We've all been there. I know this is difficult to do while you're in this current state but something about your situation just screams "What the hell happened to all that money!?!?". There is a LOT that can be done with 60k. What exactly did she do with it is something you need to find out ASAP along with talking to your lawyer. There is a reason investigators follow the money trail, it gets to the root of it all. Have you noticed her wardrobe change, new hairstyle, going to the gym a lot, anything in the house or about her that you have noticed as being out of the ordinary than the normal behaviors and habits? Start taking notes. Can your bank help with the transaction details on that first 20k and provide you records of them? For instance, was it a complete withdrawal or was it done in increments, and was withdrawn as cash, check, or to another account? These details will give you some clues as to how that money may have been used, and whether there is some correlation with its disappearance and you're WW's affair with captain basketball.

Shockleader posted 2/3/2014 22:28 PM

Sing it Keptmyword! 100% SPOT ON... You just saved me 10 mins of typing!

Oh yeah hurtingfather... She's a fucking lying bitch... Sound harsh, nope, it's the truth, and she is the enemy right now. I'll guarantee you a trillion % it's PA and FAR deeper than what you are being lied to about! Biggest mistake you can make now, is being easy on her, NOT getting pissed at what she did, and taking one seconds worth of her BS. Once you (metaphorically) put the boot to her throat, DO NOT let up a mm!

She will do anything to keep up the lies, blameshift, keep up the gaslighting, the poor widdle me act, whatever. NEVER assume she is not capable of being an even bigger monster than she already is. My cheating POS Ex super charged the rage, hostility, and complete fabricating lying when pushed... PUSH HARDER!!! You really have no idea how nasty it can get, and I know from experience! I'd file for divorce as soon as possible, as you can always unfile if you so choose.

Tell her she can leave the kids with you, and go live with asswipe... Bet living together would pop the bubble right quick with this sorry excuse of a 'man'. Good luck to you friend, and know the very good folks of SI have your back, strong shoulders to cry on, and strong legs to help carry you through this! You will make it, no matter what happens and be happy again!

flyinsolo posted 2/3/2014 22:46 PM

Hurtingfather, I am so sorry! You were betrayed twice. I feel for you as I dealt with a double betrayal like you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. It will get better. Trust in yourself to make the right decisions. Being on SI is a great 1st step. One day at a time. You will know in your heart what to do.