See a lawyer tomorrow. She spent and borrowed a total of $60,000 on top of giving you that lame excuse. She is putting her family in jeopardy.
p.s. Be prepared for the EA to turn out to be a PA
If it is in her name, DO NOT, while you are trying to reconcile, refinance so that it is in your name.
Is the coach married? PLEASE tell the wife. This is in the best interests of saving your marriage. It drags the secret into the brutal light of day and exposes it for the tawdry ugly thing it really is.
Seek help of a lawyer. Start preparing for D. Find out the OMW, expose and let the shyte hit the fan.
If she doesn't come back to you begging and pleading to stay, then kick her to the curb. You don't need her.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
I am sorry you are here. The OM with my FWW was also the basketball coach of daughters team(see my profile). On d-day, I was done and wasn't going to put up with any blameshifting, sitting on the fence, further contact with OM, and certainly no more lies. Those were my terms and she could pick him or me right then. Otherwise I was starting D and told her we need to tell the kids. I was in a serious 180 from day 1. Her fog lifted fast.
Stay strong for yourself and do not enable her to keep treating you like a doormat or back up plan.
[This message edited by tooanalytical at 9:18 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]
"he was there for me when you weren't"
The quick and convenient blame-throwing excuse choice of weak-minded, backstabbing cowards.
I got the same exact bullshit excuses. My ex-POS wife also sank us into debt behind my back. She also tried to extremely minimize what had actually transpired.
She is acting the way she is for one reason only: She got caught.
She knows it is wrong. She knows it is despicable. She knows she would never want anyone to the same thing to her - ever. And, she knew all this before she did it too.
Like my ex, she also has the heart of a coward. She does not, and likely will never, have the fortitude to face herself, her deeply ingrained issues, and especially the people she hurt so badly.
It is far, far easier for her to blame and run away.
In the end, what she has done has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage. Adultery/infidelity is not the result of a marital failure. It is a personal failure.
My suggestion would be to retain an aggressive divorce attorney, file for divorce immediately, and see what her response is. If it is one iota short of complete and utter honesty, confession, and being horrified at what she has done then aggressively pursue the divorce.
It will be much better and less painful to close this chapter of your life than live in a constant state of wondering where she is, what she is feeling, who is she with, her blaming you, and constantly feeling like your life is being dictated by fucked-up emotional needs of a neurotic, dysfunctional piece of shit who only cares about herself and how she feels.
Oh yeah hurtingfather... She's a fucking lying bitch... Sound harsh, nope, it's the truth, and she is the enemy right now. I'll guarantee you a trillion % it's PA and FAR deeper than what you are being lied to about! Biggest mistake you can make now, is being easy on her, NOT getting pissed at what she did, and taking one seconds worth of her BS. Once you (metaphorically) put the boot to her throat, DO NOT let up a mm!
She will do anything to keep up the lies, blameshift, keep up the gaslighting, the poor widdle me act, whatever. NEVER assume she is not capable of being an even bigger monster than she already is. My cheating POS Ex super charged the rage, hostility, and complete fabricating lying when pushed... PUSH HARDER!!! You really have no idea how nasty it can get, and I know from experience! I'd file for divorce as soon as possible, as you can always unfile if you so choose.
Tell her she can leave the kids with you, and go live with asswipe... Bet living together would pop the bubble right quick with this sorry excuse of a 'man'. Good luck to you friend, and know the very good folks of SI have your back, strong shoulders to cry on, and strong legs to help carry you through this! You will make it, no matter what happens and be happy again!
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...