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GradSchoolGirl posted 1/30/2014 21:57 PM

My XWH and I have been divorced for a year, but he has undergone some personal transformation and is getting counseling for his issues and would like me to consider reconciliation. Anyone else remarry you XWS? We've only been talking about this for about three months, but I've been a bit blind-sided by the level of anger that pops up periodically; anger that I got to leave behind with the divorce and new anger about some of his behavior while we were divorced. Also having some pride issues around what people will think if I take him back, not just cuz of the cheating while we were married, but how he conducted himself after we split. I never thought we'd be here, so I was unprepared for the emotional turmoil that has resurfaced. Any suggestions?

Howie posted 1/31/2014 08:16 AM

My case, not re-marriage but R after a six month separation, after her devastating two year involvement with (yuk-yuk) my "best" friend. Not your case.
I was beyond rage,totally lost at D and still 'sick" at six months. But she had did her work:total disclosure, total severance with"friend", remorse, a policy of reform and faithful waiting for me to come round, more or then less the ideal pertinent.
I don't sense that in your communication.Before id remarry-with all the legal and logistical consequences,I'd be very very sure. First off-do you love him? Second, does he love you? And even then-be very sure this is right.Look,if he loves you he will wait for remarriage until you are more confident and/or he is better.Best wishes- tough situation

Howie posted 1/31/2014 08:26 AM

oh, right, the remaining hurt alone should not decide this if you can cope with it and if R with him is "worth more" than the hurt.Because at some deep level, some of the hurt is always going to be there. Pride yes it is important, but after being betrayed I found new pride in that I was faithful and strong enough to forgive and-survive.
Other people -they have their on sorrows,defeats.What they thought didn't save you and what they think wont kill your R,if otherwise valid. My view : other people don't matter the way civilians don't matter to combat vets: they haven't been to hell and back. (though more than admit, have)

Skan posted 1/31/2014 13:54 PM

Honestly, it doesn't matter what other people think. It just matters what the two of you think and feel. I have a buddy who did remarry her WH after divorce. They were separated for a year or so, he did the work, and they decided to re-commit by remarrying. And they are doing just fine now.

Something to consider if you do get to the point where you are very seriously considering it. Get a pre-nup. Iron-clad. You have already been through the divorce rodeo once and you do not want to have to go through the property division again, especially with someone who is now savvy about D. If you can't agree enough to get a good pre-nup in place, then you probably are not going to agree enough to actually be married again.

Keepcalm posted 1/31/2014 20:19 PM

I would try. If you see real remorse and concern, why not. Other people will think what they want and shouldn't be a deciding factor in what YOU want.

lucy17 posted 1/31/2014 22:12 PM

Pride yes it is important, but after being betrayed I found new pride in that I was faithful and strong enough to forgive and-survive.

This. I needed this today.
GradSchoolGirl,
Not in your position. I can't be very helpful. People who matter will, maybe not support, but respect your decision either way.
If you choose not to reconcile, will you always wonder?
If you choose to reconcile, will it be worth the hurt?

2yrsblind posted 2/1/2014 00:43 AM

I reconnected with my exWW some two years after D. We started as friends, something that was really easy she had been my best friend since we were 16 years old. Before long it was a FWB kind of relationship with no real commitment. It was all I could give her.

For the first time in a long time we talked, I mean real honest and painful stuff. I got all the honest answers about her affair (not really an A, more of a two week fling).

We came to a cross road. Love was never a question, I guess I still love her so many years later in some form. I'm a very anatylical person and I just could wrap my mind around opening myself up to a person that ripped my heart out. She understood and we backed off.

We remained good friends until my now wife, then girlfriend become uncomfortable with it.

Point is, I get it, its easy to fall back into something that is comfortable. Be sure its what you want. Remarriages fail 80% of the time.