I ended my relationship about 2 weeks ago. I've gone through a range of emotions. Overall, I feel at peace with my decision. I feel like I gave it my best shot. Looking back, I don't think there's anything that I could have done differently or done better. I gave him a lot of chances. But ultimately, the lying was just too much. It scared me that I couldn't tell the difference between a lie and the truth unless I had proof in my hands. He was so believable. I believed him each time until I found out the truth. And each time it knocked me to the ground.
When I ended the relationship, I kept the pain inside. I worked 14 hour days, and threw myself in my hobbies and friendships. I didn't even talk to any friends about it. But this stupid snow has shut down my town, and I've been stuck inside my house for the past 3 days.
Last year, I was planning an engagement with him. I told my dad that he was going to ask permission to propose. Then he broke up with me out of the blue, and I didn't know the real reason. I waited for him. He kept telling me that he was 99% sure that he wanted me. I would put on a fake smile and try to be what he wanted, because he was all I wanted. One weekend he made plans with me, and he just didn't show up. Didn't call to cancel. Then finally he said that he wanted to get back together, and I was so happy. A few days later he got a cold sore for the first time in his life, and I questioned whether he had been with anyone else during that time. He got angry at me for not trusting him, and refused to see me for three weeks. Then Dday hit, and I found out that he had been sleeping with a coworker before our breakup and after we got back together. She gave him the cold sore. Then about a week after that, I found out that there had been another girl that he slept with 3 months after we started dating. I initially walked away, and then he wore me down. He was so sweet and attentive, and it gradually wore me down. But the pain never disappeared, and he kept lying about everything. Months of TT happened. He got arrested for stalking the OW, and I had to sit in court and watch that. I sat in the back, and watched him. I just sat there and thought how could this person that I loved so much do all these horrible things to me? I saw him making progress though going to an IC, so I stuck it out. Then later I found out that the IC was fake. Still stuck it out, thinking that we had reached the breaking point. Then more lies months later. I reached my breaking point, and walked away.
I miss him tonight. I don't miss everything that he did and all the pain. But I miss him from before Dday. I was so happy. I thought he had the same values and beliefs that I did. I had trust issues, and he brought me out of it. He would do small things to make me trust him, like texting me when he left the house and when he returned. He's the first guy I ever really trusted. All I wanted was a future with him. People tell me now that it's better I found out before we got married. I see rationally that... but it doesn't take away the hurt I feel.
I can't imagine ever dating again. I feel lonely right now, but not nearly lonely enough to want to be with him or anyone else. I told him my past, and he built me up. I trusted him. How do I ever move past that? How do I ever trust again? How do I ever allow myself to be vulnerable again?
I wish the damn snow would melt so that I can leave my house.