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User Topic: Feeling sad tonight
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended my relationship about 2 weeks ago. I've gone through a range of emotions. Overall, I feel at peace with my decision. I feel like I gave it my best shot. Looking back, I don't think there's anything that I could have done differently or done better. I gave him a lot of chances. But ultimately, the lying was just too much. It scared me that I couldn't tell the difference between a lie and the truth unless I had proof in my hands. He was so believable. I believed him each time until I found out the truth. And each time it knocked me to the ground.

When I ended the relationship, I kept the pain inside. I worked 14 hour days, and threw myself in my hobbies and friendships. I didn't even talk to any friends about it. But this stupid snow has shut down my town, and I've been stuck inside my house for the past 3 days.

Last year, I was planning an engagement with him. I told my dad that he was going to ask permission to propose. Then he broke up with me out of the blue, and I didn't know the real reason. I waited for him. He kept telling me that he was 99% sure that he wanted me. I would put on a fake smile and try to be what he wanted, because he was all I wanted. One weekend he made plans with me, and he just didn't show up. Didn't call to cancel. Then finally he said that he wanted to get back together, and I was so happy. A few days later he got a cold sore for the first time in his life, and I questioned whether he had been with anyone else during that time. He got angry at me for not trusting him, and refused to see me for three weeks. Then Dday hit, and I found out that he had been sleeping with a coworker before our breakup and after we got back together. She gave him the cold sore. Then about a week after that, I found out that there had been another girl that he slept with 3 months after we started dating. I initially walked away, and then he wore me down. He was so sweet and attentive, and it gradually wore me down. But the pain never disappeared, and he kept lying about everything. Months of TT happened. He got arrested for stalking the OW, and I had to sit in court and watch that. I sat in the back, and watched him. I just sat there and thought how could this person that I loved so much do all these horrible things to me? I saw him making progress though going to an IC, so I stuck it out. Then later I found out that the IC was fake. Still stuck it out, thinking that we had reached the breaking point. Then more lies months later. I reached my breaking point, and walked away.

I miss him tonight. I don't miss everything that he did and all the pain. But I miss him from before Dday. I was so happy. I thought he had the same values and beliefs that I did. I had trust issues, and he brought me out of it. He would do small things to make me trust him, like texting me when he left the house and when he returned. He's the first guy I ever really trusted. All I wanted was a future with him. People tell me now that it's better I found out before we got married. I see rationally that... but it doesn't take away the hurt I feel.

I can't imagine ever dating again. I feel lonely right now, but not nearly lonely enough to want to be with him or anyone else. I told him my past, and he built me up. I trusted him. How do I ever move past that? How do I ever trust again? How do I ever allow myself to be vulnerable again?

I wish the damn snow would melt so that I can leave my house.

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I'm hoping the snow lets up for you too.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. You did the right thing. Both in trying and leaving. You gave it your all. He didn't. Walk away with your head held high.

I miss him tonight. I don't miss everything that he did and all the pain. But I miss him from before Dday.

The him before dday was a lie. But I'm sure you know that. ((Lonelygirl))

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 41540
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You really couldn't have done any more than you did and you should take pride from that. You did nothing to deserve the way he treated you - he definitely did not deserve your love and commitment .

Sending you hugs (((hugs))) and strength Lonelygirl, better times will come for you I'm sure, hopefully very soon.

Don't waste any more of your time on him x

Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are sad tonight. What you did took courage and should be proud of yourself. Those qualities will carry you well throughout your life.

You have a long life ahead of you and this moment in time is a learning experience that will help you in future've learned what you don't want in a husband.

Life is so full of opportunities and though they may be hard to see right now, you will get through this and move onto the next adventure.

Take good care of yourself......

BS Me 63
WS Him 64
Married 35
Together 41
DD 11/16/09
I can dwell in the negative or seek the road is lonely...the other teeming with life.

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I'm finally going to venture outside today for the first time since Tuesday, so I'm hoping my sadness will lessen once I'm out of the house again.

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through something similar--the intense love and faith, then the continued shock of awful mistreatment; the disorienting confusion and sense of loss, and desperate desire for it to be otherwise.

A good friend wrote this to me when I was missing him and it helps to read sometimes so I'm sharing with you.

you suffered a great trauma. and when you/me/everyone is in that huge hurt we all grab onto our loved ones and our hopes for the future and our plans and dreams. and it is confusing and sad and even more hurtful when the person we want to hold onto when we are hurt is the same person who caused that trauma.

our minds hold on tight to what we have... because we all are afraid of the nothingness. but once we let go of the hurt and the person who hurt us and the dreams that were shared we find that the nothingness we were afraid of quickly fills in with new love and new life

i know it sounds cheesy but really and truly the nothing is much better than the something. it is hard to trade a sure future with him (even if it is a sad hard future) for a million possible futures that will open up to you once you choose to break the ties with him. but i am confident
the faith you had in making the relationship work will quickly shift to a self faith if you let it.

i'm glad that you have so much love in you. but love the feeling is dependent on the actions of love... and not just the actions of one but of two. love building on love improving both.

i know that you feel a strong connection with him and that he loved you but his actions do matter because they don't match.

and most of all you matter. and i know you know how much you matter. but it is good to say and good to hear.

Begone, snow... and here's to our futures, free of the type of treatment we were experiencing and better for it. We're not alone and we have much more to offer than our sad excuses for partners were capable of giving in return.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:09 AM, January 31st (Friday)]

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Gently, if you can't feel sad, angry, or scared, you can't feel joy, either.

Breaking up does leave you sad, especially when you've worked so hard to make the relationship work.

Embrace sadness/anger/fear when you feel it. That processes it our of your body as quickly as possible, and most feelings are fleeting, if we let them flow. Letting the unpleasant feelings go makes room for the joy of being alive.

The joy leaves pretty quickly, too, but there's so much joy available - even when it's so cold you don't want to go out.

JMO, of course

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:21 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

As of September, 2017 -
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 50, together 50+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 16313 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that feeling sad is normal and part of the process. I think I was so focused on surviving that I was able to push the sadness away for a few weeks. It hit me last night since I was snowed in.

I haven't really posted on here because I know he reads my posts. And he did last night, and he sent some emails. One of the things he said is that he's disappointed that I don't have more faith in people's ability to change. I felt angry when he said it, and wanted to defend myself. But it doesn't matter now. I fought for him and I had a lot more faith in him than I think most people would have. I am a good person. I have a big heart. I've accepted that he'll blame me for giving up.

I was in my car driving tonight as he said those things. A song came on the radio that I've never heard before. Human by Christina Perry. It really spoke to me. It's about doing a lot, but being only human. It's how I feel. I gave and gave until I had nothing left to give. I'm only human.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:33 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He should stop talking bullcrap about changing and JUST CHANGE.

Read that buster. JUST CHANGE.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 9:18 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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