Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

When to cut loose

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

FeelingSoMuch posted 1/30/2014 22:45 PM

I love my wife.

I don't know how to live with the A.

I'm afraid I'll never forgive her. I don't even know how.

My IC says that if I know I won't ever forgive her that I should cut her loose.

In my heart I feel that I won't ever forgive. This is very, very hard for me to write.

In my heart I also know that I love my wife.

I don't know how to live with the two sets of opposing feelings.

WW is leaving her dream job in May because OM also works there. Earlier today I wanted to tell her not to leave because I don't know if I'll ever forgive her.

I don't know what to do. Giving it time and seeing which feeling is stronger is probably the right course of action.

On the other hand, movement one way or the other feels like going forward. Not making a decision and staying in limbo feels like stalling our lives.

I think the ball is in my court now. WW wants R.

Advice? Have others been here?

GradSchoolGirl posted 1/30/2014 23:00 PM

I am so sorry you are hurting and I think holding both feelings is completely normal, but it sounds like you are tired of limboland.
Do you have a friend or a family member you can talk to? And if you do, I want you to consider a couple of things...who comes to mind to talk to about this and why? We all have friends and family that we know will support our decision to stay and those that lean towards us which camp comes to mind first when thinking about talking to someone, the stay or go camp? That might give you some information on which way you're leaning. Just an idea.
Also, the ball IS in your court and you take all the time you need. You're in charge of what's right for you.
Again, I'm sorry you're hurting and hope you find some peace, whatever that may look like for you tonight. :)

Morhurt posted 1/30/2014 23:02 PM

Remember to breathe. You do not have to make a decision today. Or tomorrow. Give yourself time. When I get panicky and want to throw in the towel it's almost always because I've pressured myself to make a decision NOW. You do not have make up your mind in the forever sense.

Do you want to stay tonight? Then stay. Do you want to stay tomorrow?

You are not responsible for WW giving up her dream job, she is. It was her choice to have an A. I'm glad she's quitting in May, whether you guys stay together or not it's better for her to move on.

Strength to you. It's a roller coaster. Just get through the weekend.

Gotmegood posted 1/30/2014 23:06 PM

Sorry, I haven't been exactly in the same set of circumstances that is your life right now, but I did want you to know you were heard. I think though, that the decision is hardly ever easy. Will I ever look at him the same way again? Will I always think of him as having low morals? Will these awful things that I found out about him color my opinion of him forever? Are the good parts of him enough to block out his now apparent weaknesses?
With your particular issue of your wife leaving her job to make your journey in R easier, and your guilt about that ,knowing you may not ever be able to forgive her, I suggest telling her the truth about how you feel. Let her decide with full knowledge of your possibly heading for divorce. She has the right to know, and she also may want to take that very meaningful step to show how sincere she is about rebuilding. Good luck. This truly sucks, doesn't it?

kansas1968 posted 1/31/2014 00:11 AM

I am three years from DDay and I really have not forgiven my husband for the affair. I have accepted it and most of the time things are very good as far as our relationship is concerned. Much better in fact than before the affair. We care a great deal for each other, but I just can't get to the forgivness part and not sure that I ever will.
Anoter BS and I discussed this subject and really don't know if forgivness is necessary. I imagine that we will stay together, so maybe someday in the future the forgivness will come.

ladycody posted 1/31/2014 05:47 AM

I understand exactly where you are at...I''m in the same place. I loved my relationship with my husband before the affair...loved our time together, enjoyed his company, and felt like we worked life well together....but now there''s the affair and all the trust issues and hurt that came with it. I''m not ready to let go of all the good that was in our marriage but don''t know if I can ever live past the affair. It''s been 3 months and we''ve had another recent crisis....and I wonder if leaving is the right thing to do...but the thought of walking away hurts too much right now. I think I''m not willing to give up until I know that I''ve given it everything I had.

I have let him know that even when things seem ok on a surface level...they are still rocky...because I want him in tune with where we''re at and to know that by staying...he risks being hurt too. I told him just yesterday that I used to feel safe when he hugged me...that when he had his arms around me, I felt wrapped up by somone who was on my side for all the good and bad that life might throw at us....and that feeling of trust and safety is still not there when he hugs me now. I told him I''m not sure whether I can live with us if it doesn''t come back at some point. He''s still my friend...and I can''t bring myself to hate him...but I don''t know if I can work through it either. I''m giving it time and figure that at some point the path that I want to travel will be easier to identify.

So I get where you''re at...and if you''re honest with her...she''ll be in it of her own volition and will understand that its a journey with risks for both of you. I''m sorry...I know it''s hard in limbo....and to deal with the overwhelming sadness can strike out of nowhere over the loss of what we thought we had.

[This message edited by ladycody at 5:47 AM, January 31st, 2014 (Friday)]

TennisTC posted 1/31/2014 08:52 AM

I can totally relate and I've felt the same way myself. My H's A was with a COW. Even when I knew he couldn't stand her and wanted zero contact (he would tell me any time she was in his building, whenever she tried to make contact, and there was 100% transparency on every level), the level of anxiety I felt everyday he was at work was off the charts. That continued for 5.5 months until he found a new job, at which point it was like a gigantic weight was lifted from my chest.

It was like when he worked with COW everyday the anxiety felt like we were trapped in our house while it was on fire. Anxiety was through the roof bc we didn't know what she would do next and it felt like we were in imminent danger, but we couldn't escape. After he switched jobs, that anxiety was greatly reduced. Now we are dealing with the fallout of our house being destroyed in the fire and there is some anxiety that goes with it, but it's so much less than before.

Only you know if it's truly a deal breaker. If it is and you know for sure then end things. But if you're even a little uncertain I would not rush to make the decision. Also, I wouldn't worry about knowing you will or won't be able to forgive her. Many vets here (who are happily R'd for years) have said that they knew going into R that they would never forgive. I think some of them eventually did so, but I don't think knowing if you will or will not be able to forgive so early on in the process should make or break R.

Sending you strength and peace.

Razor posted 1/31/2014 09:13 AM

Its been less than a year since Dday for you. And really in terms of getting a handle on this shit storm we are all enduring a year is not very much time.

Its normal to not know what direction to go. As horrible as it sounds its also normal to be in limbo for a long time.

I dont think you should push yourself to forgive. Limbo only SEEMS like there is no progression. In fact you are processing what your world was and what your new world will be. This is a slow process but it is a process so there is movement. SLOW movement to be sure but movement nonetheless.

If forgiveness comes for you then it just will. One day you will wake up and realize that you do forgive your WW. But its a sad sort of forgiveness. You will miss your past and you will regret that the future you thought would be yours will never come to be. But the forgiveness will be there regardless.

So dont be in a hurry. Let your WW EARN your forgiveness. And give yourself time to mourn the life you had that will never be. Dont be in a hurry.

Ascendant posted 1/31/2014 09:21 AM


But also, your info says that she broke NC (twice!) with two phone calls. Depending upon when those last happened, you're actually working within a timeframe of less than a year since the last 'new hurt'.

Be gentle with yourself. You are under no obligation to make a decision regarding reconciliation until not deciding becomes unbearable.

sisoon posted 1/31/2014 11:01 AM


What does 'forgive' mean to you? Many folks who have R'ed successfully have done so without forgiving their WSes.

Depending on your definition, it may or may not be an obstacle for you.

In any case, you're uncertain now - you love her, but you can't commit to forgiving her at this point. M is a giant part of life. It doesn't make sense to push yourself for a decision before you're ready. I suspect your IC doesn't have personal experience with infidelity - tell him you're going to wait until you're a lot surer of what you want than you are now.

atsenaotie posted 1/31/2014 11:16 AM

I accept that FWW had affairs with OM, both ONS and LTA. I understand many of her issues and why at the time it made sense to her. I have not forgiven her for betraying our M.

For me, that was then and this is now. I can see the effort that FWW has put into changing herself to be a better W and mentally healthier person. Because she has owned her crap, worked on it, demonstrated remorse, and I have healed many of my own issues, I see the M as a new start.

Still, it took years to get to this point. It took a year for FWW to own her crap and start to really work on herself. It took more years for me to see enough change to consider staying long-term, and it took another year after that to accept that the “new” M was not going to be as wondrous and special as I had hoped, and that I was OK with that.

All told, 4.5 years from dday to the time when I shifted from needing to see actions and behaviors to be convinced to stay in the M to where being M’d is now the default again, and I would need to see new and sustained dysfunctional actions and behaviors to move to D. I had the advantage that FWW maintained NC from the day after dday forward, and was open and transparent (for the most part) in where she was and what she was doing.

If you are unsure what you want I encourage you to “not divorce” while you work on yourself and your healing. You do not need to pursue D or R until you are sure it is the right choice for you. I think that after discovery of an A, just not leaving is enough commitment from the BS for a while.

FeelingSoMuch posted 1/31/2014 13:43 PM

I'm reading a lot of good advice for staying put. Thank you.

When I think of talking about this decision with anyone else, my IC comes to mind and he doesn't appear to favour one decision over the other.

I do plan to explain how I'm feeling in MC next week. I'm afraid that if I try at home it'll end up being an argument. WW is fragile right now and worried that by giving up her job while our marriage isn't solid she has no stability whatsoever. (never mind that she wouldn't be here had she not had an A)

Brandon808 posted 1/31/2014 14:00 PM

The way I see it true healing cannot begin until true R does.

Your WW still works with OM and it isn't just that she works there. Her attitude about working in the same office as the OM vs leaving hasn't helped. When you think about forgiving your WW how much do those discussions (where WW accused you of forcing this choice on her) factor in your thoughts and feelings? Think about that.

Some WS who have posted on SI in the past wanted R so badly that they moved, changed jobs,outed themselves publicly and all just for a chance at R. Some WS practically want a guarantee of R before they'll lift a finger.

So think about the first question some more before deciding.

FeelingSoMuch posted 2/4/2014 17:24 PM

This is so stupid. I intended to discuss what I wrote above -- feeling that I love WW but don't know how to live with her actions -- at MC yesterday.

We didn't even get to it. I attended a Super Bowl party on Sunday and as I usually do after drinking, I snored. WW wanted to talk about my snoring all session.

I wore a nose strip and slept with my head at the foot of the bed. I refused to sleep on the couch because that's one of the places she had sex with OM.

WW also refused for a long time to "let me" get a new air mattress. We spent money on a good one and the cat tore it up. I threw it away intending to buy a new one and WW became upset saying that I wasted that money. (we both work and earn enough)

Grrrrr. I'm now waiting another week to discuss my topic. At least I "announced" that I was just going to go out and buy another air mattress.

There was a solution all along. I don't know how to not snore and yes, it does keep her up. Not wanting me to get the air mattress was just a set up for failure (not a conscious set up).

And that's the kind of problem we had before the A. Hopefully we'll be forced to work them out now.

Rebreather posted 2/4/2014 17:29 PM

Burn the couch.

Next time, remind everyone who the real wronged party is and speak you peace.

LadyLove posted 2/4/2014 22:44 PM

I also don't think forgiveness is necessarily a requirement for recovery. Everybody is different. I'm 18 months out and I'm pretty sure I will never forgive my WH for the A or the lies. I still don't know if I can live with it, but he's making it worth it for me to try.

I'm trying to move past it because my WH is remorseful and shows me how much he loves me everyday and I love him deeply, and quite simply - I want to spend the rest of my days with him. That doesn't mean I have to forgive him.

[This message edited by LadyLove at 10:49 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 2/4/2014 23:12 PM

Wait a freaking minute here.......

Your WW has an affair with a guy that she still currently works with......and she wastes the MC session on bitching about your snoring? Is she serious???? That is so flipping stupid.

My spouse cheated and I'm really worried that I won't be able to get past it versus My spouse snores and annoys me. Je-sus balls. How did that MC session get so damn hi-jacked by her?

IMO, you would be well served to stop playing so nice. Your WW has very deftly deflected the issue and put you into *defend yourself* mode.

She just wasted around $100(ish) to bitch about your (totally involuntary) snoring. No wonder you are leaning towards not ever being able to forgive her......

ineedtoleave posted 2/5/2014 07:43 AM

This stood out to me: You "should cut her loose"... How about looking at it this way: Cut YOURSELF loose.

sisoon posted 2/5/2014 11:18 AM

gonnabe said most of what I want to say. I'll add:

Where was the MC while your W was wasting the session?

Lack of sleep can be a big problem, but complaining about snoring is pure deflection. Did MC dig to see what was really bothering your W? Did your MC intervene to get the discussion to move to a topic that wasn't so obviously a waste of time?

BTW, your IC probably shouldn't have an opinion on whether you should stay or go. His job is to help you figure out what you want.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:20 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.