I don't know how to live with the A.
I'm afraid I'll never forgive her. I don't even know how.
My IC says that if I know I won't ever forgive her that I should cut her loose.
In my heart I feel that I won't ever forgive. This is very, very hard for me to write.
In my heart I also know that I love my wife.
I don't know how to live with the two sets of opposing feelings.
WW is leaving her dream job in May because OM also works there. Earlier today I wanted to tell her not to leave because I don't know if I'll ever forgive her.
I don't know what to do. Giving it time and seeing which feeling is stronger is probably the right course of action.
On the other hand, movement one way or the other feels like going forward. Not making a decision and staying in limbo feels like stalling our lives.
I think the ball is in my court now. WW wants R.
Advice? Have others been here?
Do you want to stay tonight? Then stay. Do you want to stay tomorrow?
You are not responsible for WW giving up her dream job, she is. It was her choice to have an A. I'm glad she's quitting in May, whether you guys stay together or not it's better for her to move on.
Strength to you. It's a roller coaster. Just get through the weekend.
I have let him know that even when things seem ok on a surface level...they are still rocky...because I want him in tune with where we''re at and to know that by staying...he risks being hurt too. I told him just yesterday that I used to feel safe when he hugged me...that when he had his arms around me, I felt wrapped up by somone who was on my side for all the good and bad that life might throw at us....and that feeling of trust and safety is still not there when he hugs me now. I told him I''m not sure whether I can live with us if it doesn''t come back at some point. He''s still my friend...and I can''t bring myself to hate him...but I don''t know if I can work through it either. I''m giving it time and figure that at some point the path that I want to travel will be easier to identify.
So I get where you''re at...and if you''re honest with her...she''ll be in it of her own volition and will understand that its a journey with risks for both of you. I''m sorry...I know it''s hard to.be in limbo....and to deal with the overwhelming sadness can strike out of nowhere over the loss of what we thought we had.
[This message edited by ladycody at 5:47 AM, January 31st, 2014 (Friday)]
It was like when he worked with COW everyday the anxiety felt like we were trapped in our house while it was on fire. Anxiety was through the roof bc we didn't know what she would do next and it felt like we were in imminent danger, but we couldn't escape. After he switched jobs, that anxiety was greatly reduced. Now we are dealing with the fallout of our house being destroyed in the fire and there is some anxiety that goes with it, but it's so much less than before.
Only you know if it's truly a deal breaker. If it is and you know for sure then end things. But if you're even a little uncertain I would not rush to make the decision. Also, I wouldn't worry about knowing you will or won't be able to forgive her. Many vets here (who are happily R'd for years) have said that they knew going into R that they would never forgive. I think some of them eventually did so, but I don't think knowing if you will or will not be able to forgive so early on in the process should make or break R.
Sending you strength and peace.
Its normal to not know what direction to go. As horrible as it sounds its also normal to be in limbo for a long time.
I dont think you should push yourself to forgive. Limbo only SEEMS like there is no progression. In fact you are processing what your world was and what your new world will be. This is a slow process but it is a process so there is movement. SLOW movement to be sure but movement nonetheless.
If forgiveness comes for you then it just will. One day you will wake up and realize that you do forgive your WW. But its a sad sort of forgiveness. You will miss your past and you will regret that the future you thought would be yours will never come to be. But the forgiveness will be there regardless.
So dont be in a hurry. Let your WW EARN your forgiveness. And give yourself time to mourn the life you had that will never be. Dont be in a hurry.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
But also, your info says that she broke NC (twice!) with two phone calls. Depending upon when those last happened, you're actually working within a timeframe of less than a year since the last 'new hurt'.
Be gentle with yourself. You are under no obligation to make a decision regarding reconciliation until not deciding becomes unbearable.
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you’re living wrong."
What does 'forgive' mean to you? Many folks who have R'ed successfully have done so without forgiving their WSes.
Depending on your definition, it may or may not be an obstacle for you.
In any case, you're uncertain now - you love her, but you can't commit to forgiving her at this point. M is a giant part of life. It doesn't make sense to push yourself for a decision before you're ready. I suspect your IC doesn't have personal experience with infidelity - tell him you're going to wait until you're a lot surer of what you want than you are now.
For me, that was then and this is now. I can see the effort that FWW has put into changing herself to be a better W and mentally healthier person. Because she has owned her crap, worked on it, demonstrated remorse, and I have healed many of my own issues, I see the M as a new start.
Still, it took years to get to this point. It took a year for FWW to own her crap and start to really work on herself. It took more years for me to see enough change to consider staying long-term, and it took another year after that to accept that the “new” M was not going to be as wondrous and special as I had hoped, and that I was OK with that.
All told, 4.5 years from dday to the time when I shifted from needing to see actions and behaviors to be convinced to stay in the M to where being M’d is now the default again, and I would need to see new and sustained dysfunctional actions and behaviors to move to D. I had the advantage that FWW maintained NC from the day after dday forward, and was open and transparent (for the most part) in where she was and what she was doing.
If you are unsure what you want I encourage you to “not divorce” while you work on yourself and your healing. You do not need to pursue D or R until you are sure it is the right choice for you. I think that after discovery of an A, just not leaving is enough commitment from the BS for a while.
When I think of talking about this decision with anyone else, my IC comes to mind and he doesn't appear to favour one decision over the other.
I do plan to explain how I'm feeling in MC next week. I'm afraid that if I try at home it'll end up being an argument. WW is fragile right now and worried that by giving up her job while our marriage isn't solid she has no stability whatsoever. (never mind that she wouldn't be here had she not had an A)
Your WW still works with OM and it isn't just that she works there. Her attitude about working in the same office as the OM vs leaving hasn't helped. When you think about forgiving your WW how much do those discussions (where WW accused you of forcing this choice on her) factor in your thoughts and feelings? Think about that.
Some WS who have posted on SI in the past wanted R so badly that they moved, changed jobs,outed themselves publicly and all just for a chance at R. Some WS practically want a guarantee of R before they'll lift a finger.
So think about the first question some more before deciding.
We didn't even get to it. I attended a Super Bowl party on Sunday and as I usually do after drinking, I snored. WW wanted to talk about my snoring all session.
I wore a nose strip and slept with my head at the foot of the bed. I refused to sleep on the couch because that's one of the places she had sex with OM.
WW also refused for a long time to "let me" get a new air mattress. We spent money on a good one and the cat tore it up. I threw it away intending to buy a new one and WW became upset saying that I wasted that money. (we both work and earn enough)
Grrrrr. I'm now waiting another week to discuss my topic. At least I "announced" that I was just going to go out and buy another air mattress.
There was a solution all along. I don't know how to not snore and yes, it does keep her up. Not wanting me to get the air mattress was just a set up for failure (not a conscious set up).
And that's the kind of problem we had before the A. Hopefully we'll be forced to work them out now.
Next time, remind everyone who the real wronged party is and speak you peace.
I'm trying to move past it because my WH is remorseful and shows me how much he loves me everyday and I love him deeply, and quite simply - I want to spend the rest of my days with him. That doesn't mean I have to forgive him.
[This message edited by LadyLove at 10:49 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]
Always trust your gut. It knows what your head hasn't yet figured out. - Unknown
Your WW has an affair with a guy that she still currently works with......and she wastes the MC session on bitching about your snoring? Is she serious???? That is so flipping stupid.
My spouse cheated and I'm really worried that I won't be able to get past it versus My spouse snores and annoys me. Je-sus balls. How did that MC session get so damn hi-jacked by her?
IMO, you would be well served to stop playing so nice. Your WW has very deftly deflected the issue and put you into *defend yourself* mode.
She just wasted around $100(ish) to bitch about your (totally involuntary) snoring. No wonder you are leaning towards not ever being able to forgive her......
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Where was the MC while your W was wasting the session?
Lack of sleep can be a big problem, but complaining about snoring is pure deflection. Did MC dig to see what was really bothering your W? Did your MC intervene to get the discussion to move to a topic that wasn't so obviously a waste of time?
BTW, your IC probably shouldn't have an opinion on whether you should stay or go. His job is to help you figure out what you want.
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:20 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]