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Newest Member: Confused4 (61103)

User Topic: H was in IC during A
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized H was seeing IC during his A. C helped him see what he was doing was wrong. H was so in the fog he just wanted to keep cake eating.

H now says that he thinks about what C said during that time a lot and he wishes he would have followed the advice then. I now understand the reason one C told him he couldn't help him anymore.

It's sad to see the light bulb come on too late.

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 959 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so hard to see the truth in retrospect. To have believed one thing and then to see what was real.

I am glad the fog lifted and I wish you both continued healing.

My wh was in MC and IC after 1st affair for 10 months and then on 12/20 I discovered a second affair with someone new had been going on since sept. He was lying the whole time.

The self deception is mind boggling. All the realizations of the truth hit daily.

I am just happy to finally know the truth. As painful as the truth can be it does give you the needed information to make the best decisions for your life.


"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3301 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My hubby was in IC and MC as well, lied to MC, told IC the truth about a women he met and she said, "I bet that made you fee more power." ugh.

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's sad to see the light bulb come on too late.

I hope it is some consolation that it is on now. But yes, what a waste of an opportunity to leave the fog.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH was actively in the A too during our few sessions. Matter of fact, he was late to our first session because he was in the car talking to her. As he walked up to meet me, he said "Goodbye, Sweetpea. I love you!"
I asked him who he was talking to. Sweetpea was for me, his daughter, and his two little sisters. I didn't know about the A and he stated he was talking to his sister.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 4376 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

W was in IC before and during her A, but she lied to her IC.

She (IC) saw us together on D-Day, and before I met her I was very wary. After all, how could she miss my W's lies? I mean I did, too, but SHE's a pro!

It turns out the C is absolutely great as a C. It's just that my W was a great liar.

I got a little satisfaction from how hard the C came down on my W.

I was once in group therapy with a guy who told his W he was in R but told us he wanted help D'ing. His work was all about stopping the lie, buy confidentiality requirements left his W in the dark.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16556 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H went to IC after our first Dday, when he swore on all that's holy that his EA was not a PA. He lied to both me and the C for 18 months until I got an anonymous letter which outed the A (which had ended on Dday 1) as a PA. Oh and it wasn't 2 years, it was closer to 4.

IC is only was good as the person's ability to open up and be honest. Even now I pop in to my H's sessions now and then to make sure we are all on the same page--he has a lifetime of hiding from himself to overcome.

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2307 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not said to one-up anybody, but as evidence that there are a lot of bad counselors out there: My FWH was in counseling (I refuse to call it MC) with the OW! Yes, you read that right. They were seeing a counselor together, for like two years. Apparently, the C never saw it as any kind of conflict of interest, never suggested that my FWH go home and talk to his wife about what was going on. . .nothing.

OW set this up in the hopes that the counselor would tell FWH to leave me for her (luckily she did not do that either). My FWH told me that he was seeing a C (left out the part about the OW, of course), but not until about a year after he started. Seemed weird at the time that he didn't tell me until a year in, but I was just so thankful that he was doing something. I knew that he was unhappy and struggling with his job (at least he told me it was his job). He tells me now that he was just happy to have someone he could talk to, as C was the only person who knew about the A. The whole thing still boggles my mind.

There are a lot of counselors out there--they vary in quality. A good one is worth their weight in gold!

Me--BW (57)
Him--FWH (54)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 21 years
DS-19, DD-16
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1655 | Registered: Aug 2010
♂ 32051
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't know it at the time, but the reason my wife stopped seeing her IC at the time the A was getting started was because he was trying to point her towards working on the marriage with me rather than having an exit A and divorcing me without ever telling me why she left.

When we reconciled and remarried, she started going to IC twice a week and eventually started being honest with herself and the IC in the sessions.

It is sad the amount of time, energy and money that gets invested in IC that can't do much good if there isn't honesty in the sessions.

I've struggle with the thought that her counselor should have done more for her over the many years she was seeing him. But I wasn't there and the likelihood is any ICs ability to help is limited to some degree by the participants willingness to really dig deep and share the real stuff.

Don't know that I'll ever resolve my mixed feelikngs about her IC, but am glad that she did make real progress when she actually opened during her IC sessions when we started to R.

Me: BS (52) Her: fWW (51)Married 28 years
2 awesome sons graduated college in 2015
She left Jan 2010, She filed Mar 2010, Div final May 2010, She shared it was an A July 2010, Remarried Aug 2010

Posts: 1536 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Topic Posts: 9

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