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ladycody posted 1/31/2014 06:05 AM

Found out that the mostly emotional affair I thought my husband had had was mostly physical. He says he "didn't want to hurt me any worse"...that "talking about the details seemed like it would do more harm than good." I had suspected that there was more at the time and had plenty of unconfirmed mind movies back then...but to have it confirmed infuriated me to know that he just didn't get how very important honesty was if we are to save our marriage. After flipping out I let him know that that little reveal was probably far more detrimental to our success than the affair itself. And if that wasn't enough...he lost his job as a delayed ramification of the affair. The mind movies are back...the numbness is back...and I've no idea what our future holds. He's been beside himself....and is jumping through hoops to try and make things right...but it's been a sad and disheartening couple of days.

kalimata posted 1/31/2014 06:49 AM

Ladycody: have you ever read the principles behind Marriage Builders? Dr Harley believes that one of the foundations behind any successful R is complete and radical honesty. Take a look at the marriage builders website. Buy his book (Surviving an Affair), its a great read.

Your WH needs to understand that he has to be 100% honest and transparent with you from now on. No matter what. He doesn't get the right to hold anything back. Only you can decide what to process and what to ignore. Don't feel ashamed to ask him for all the details you need to start healing.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/31/2014 09:30 AM

Well LadyCody, if it helps any at all, most cheaters lie to their betrayed spouses, claiming it was 'only' an emotional affair. About 99.9% of us find out differently down the road that it was actually physical, so you're amongst friends here. If the affair parnters have any face-time together at all, the odds are extremely high that they didn't spend that time drinking iced tea and arguing about politics.

And yeah, most of them also claim they lied to 'protect' us. No, they lied to protect their OWN asses, not us. That's also pretty much a given.

Cheaters are nothing if mot predictable.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:32 AM, January 31st (Friday)]

ladycody posted 1/31/2014 09:42 AM

I sent him a link to a good post about TT...and hope he takes it to heart. :( I've also told him that while I don't know if we can make it work...one more lie OR omission will mean the end of us...and I plan to stay true to that.

ladycody posted 1/31/2014 09:42 AM

Anniversary is tomorrow...am not looking forward to Congrats and well wishes... :(

[This message edited by ladycody at 10:03 AM, January 31st, 2014 (Friday)]

norabird posted 1/31/2014 10:03 AM

and I plan to stay true to that.

Good for you for finding a boundary and making it clear. I'm so sorry he has been holding back. I hope he learns his lesson from this... but even if he does, you still have to go through the same awful shock and obsessive thoughts

ladycody posted 2/3/2014 09:41 AM

Update:

Well our anniversary went by pretty painlessly except for the uncomfortable realization that we were acknowledging (certainly cant say celebrating) 16 years together with a healthy dose of pain and sadness mixed into the day. On another front our situation is on it's way to being rather public because of him losing his job. He told his brother because I told him that was the one person he needed to talk with... for a couple of reasons...help getting a job more quickly and for accountability purposes. However, over the weekend various other members of his family have found out that he no longer works in the same place (which is semi-bizarre because he rarely saw them and all of them chose this weekend to stop by at his workplace for something only to find out he no longer worked there.) Anyway...we've had some calls and texts that we've mostly left unanswered at this point. My MIL is one of those digging for answers and I want nothing to do with discussing it with her....she is already someone I'd rather not deal with on ANY real level...has emotional and what I believe are very real undiagnosed mental health issues...and this will just give her something else to mess with in life. I'm not thrilled about this development...because she's already a bit of a loose cannon in our lives and she didn't need ammo.

On an up note...WH has been on the computer and filling out applications, calling people to arrange for references, and generally trying to be what he needs to be and do the things he needs to do to at least get our financial situation stabilized as quickly as possible.

As for me...well...I am ever changing. It truly depends on the moment as to how I feel about it all. There is underlying overwhelming sadness...but I really don't want to fall into the eyes-glazed-sitting-on-the-couch-overwhelmed-by-my-life mode...so have been trying to distract myself with other aspects of life to avoid sinking into a depression that paralyzes me again. I still have moments of crying and sadness that sneak up on me but am trying not to let it take over...which would be really easy to do again, I think. Mind movies still sneak up on me regularly. This reveal basically opened the wound...wider and with a healthy dose of salt...but I had realized before at some point that allowing myself to become paralyzed also made me a bit unhappy with myself (for allowing him to impact me that much?... for allowing ''it'' to impact my life so dramatically?...I don't know...but I'm happier being (or at least appearing) less affected and more in control of things.) I still have difficulty focusing on things that require my attention for stretches (like watching a movie...sitcoms work better for me at this point)...but I don't feel completely out of touch the way I did before...and feel like I have a handle on things...sort of.

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