Ok, some background... we have been together for nearly a decade and have a young child and a baby. We are engaged but not married. He cheated while I was pregnant with the baby (15 months ago). He claimed it happened twice with the same person, he was on a combination of drugs at the time, to a part blamed the drugs, deeply regretted it, very guilty etc. etc. I don't take drugs so can't really understand the emphasis on it being to do with being high.
Anyway... he still has issues with boundaries. He works away and last year developed a friendship with a girl I knew nothing about. We had an argument one day and I looked at his facebook page and saw hundred of messages to her. There was nothing to indicate a relationship, it was purely friendship, but why never mention her to me? He basically laughed at me saying I was being ridiculous and paranoid.
Since then he had been trying his best to make this work with me. Paying attention, being transparent, leaving his phone and computer on and about. He started working somewhere else so that friendship fizzled out.
Then recently I've been getting a funny feeling. Like he's just not all there, his mind is somewhere else, you know? All of a sudden his phone never left his side again. He had developed a friendship with some new girl in our hometown, he openly admitted that. This morning when he was asleep I looked at his phone. Lots of messages to this new girl. They are not upto anything (yet) I can tell that... but I feel like it's at the stage that if we were to fall out, she would welcome him with open arms :(
A couple months ago my cooker died. Neither of us could afford to fix it, or get a new one. In fact, he has been so broke that last few months, I have been lending him money (a lot) and I have been paying all the bills. My mother bought us a new cooker for Christmas. Well... in one message he told this girl "I am so broke, just had to buy a new cooker cost me 600". Hmmm, he seems to inflate himself. Its just a small white lie, but why? I know why, so she thinks he is amazing and all that, makes him feel better.
I know he is just developing these friendships to flatter his ego. He can hardly contribute to his own family so lies to these girls about what he really wants to be.
I don't want to argue anymore, I don't want to fight. I don't want to keep watching my back and checking up on him. His relationships are unhealthy, and I've had enough. I just want to end it, I don't want my life to be like this.
Problem is... he owes me all this money, I really need it back. I'm supposed to be taking the kids on holiday in a few months and still have half of it to pay. I only work part time so it has taken me a long time to pay up what I have, I wont get it back if I cancel. The kids really deserve a holiday. He is supposed to be coming too, although he hasn't paid any money towards it. I think if we split up now,
1- I wont be able to afford to pay it, and
2- He might refuse me to take the kids away on my own (its out of the country). We are also going to a mutual friends wedding in a month. OH has a large role to play, and I fear if we split up, he would refuse to go and cause problems and ruin their day.
He is trying in his own way. He has got a bit of money today from a job he has done appeared with a new cheap little phone for me, because the children destroyed mine. He should be getting paid from another job soon and is planning on giving me some money back. He is currently in training which will open up his career prospects and is looking to make good money in future. He is always taking about getting married, saving up for a deposit, and buying a house for me and the kids, to make up for all the shit he has put us through.
I'm thinking... should I hold out? Will things get better? What happens if we get married, get into debt with a house, and it's still the same. I think he will never learn. He just wants to bury his head in the sand. He wont talk about what happened anymore because he finds it too upsetting because he feels so guilty. He will never deal with things and learn from them, just wants to pretend like they never happened. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to mess up again. I don't want to admit that I've been looking through his phone because it really upsets him, he starts ranting and raving about trust and privacy. I don't have the energy to have that argument anymore.
Then I get the fear of being on my own. I know I can cope financially, and with the children and work. It's the company I will miss, and the (somewhat) security. I care for him and love him but I am angry at him. I don't have a lot of friends and don't see them that often. I had two close friends but they both moved away. He is the one I spend my time with, the one I talk to. He is supposed to be my partner, if I can't trust him, who can I trust? Will I ever be able to have another relationship? Where the hell would I meet someone? Could I trust them? Would he go and find another girl and have babies with her and buy her a house?
Thanks for hearing my rants... If you've made it this far, any comments would be greatly appreciated :(