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Amber13 posted 1/31/2014 08:25 AM

Ok, some background... we have been together for nearly a decade and have a young child and a baby. We are engaged but not married. He cheated while I was pregnant with the baby (15 months ago). He claimed it happened twice with the same person, he was on a combination of drugs at the time, to a part blamed the drugs, deeply regretted it, very guilty etc. etc. I don't take drugs so can't really understand the emphasis on it being to do with being high.
Anyway... he still has issues with boundaries. He works away and last year developed a friendship with a girl I knew nothing about. We had an argument one day and I looked at his facebook page and saw hundred of messages to her. There was nothing to indicate a relationship, it was purely friendship, but why never mention her to me? He basically laughed at me saying I was being ridiculous and paranoid.

Since then he had been trying his best to make this work with me. Paying attention, being transparent, leaving his phone and computer on and about. He started working somewhere else so that friendship fizzled out.
Then recently I've been getting a funny feeling. Like he's just not all there, his mind is somewhere else, you know? All of a sudden his phone never left his side again. He had developed a friendship with some new girl in our hometown, he openly admitted that. This morning when he was asleep I looked at his phone. Lots of messages to this new girl. They are not upto anything (yet) I can tell that... but I feel like it's at the stage that if we were to fall out, she would welcome him with open arms :(
A couple months ago my cooker died. Neither of us could afford to fix it, or get a new one. In fact, he has been so broke that last few months, I have been lending him money (a lot) and I have been paying all the bills. My mother bought us a new cooker for Christmas. Well... in one message he told this girl "I am so broke, just had to buy a new cooker cost me 600". Hmmm, he seems to inflate himself. Its just a small white lie, but why? I know why, so she thinks he is amazing and all that, makes him feel better.

I know he is just developing these friendships to flatter his ego. He can hardly contribute to his own family so lies to these girls about what he really wants to be.

I don't want to argue anymore, I don't want to fight. I don't want to keep watching my back and checking up on him. His relationships are unhealthy, and I've had enough. I just want to end it, I don't want my life to be like this.

Problem is... he owes me all this money, I really need it back. I'm supposed to be taking the kids on holiday in a few months and still have half of it to pay. I only work part time so it has taken me a long time to pay up what I have, I wont get it back if I cancel. The kids really deserve a holiday. He is supposed to be coming too, although he hasn't paid any money towards it. I think if we split up now,
1- I wont be able to afford to pay it, and
2- He might refuse me to take the kids away on my own (its out of the country). We are also going to a mutual friends wedding in a month. OH has a large role to play, and I fear if we split up, he would refuse to go and cause problems and ruin their day.

He is trying in his own way. He has got a bit of money today from a job he has done appeared with a new cheap little phone for me, because the children destroyed mine. He should be getting paid from another job soon and is planning on giving me some money back. He is currently in training which will open up his career prospects and is looking to make good money in future. He is always taking about getting married, saving up for a deposit, and buying a house for me and the kids, to make up for all the shit he has put us through.

I'm thinking... should I hold out? Will things get better? What happens if we get married, get into debt with a house, and it's still the same. I think he will never learn. He just wants to bury his head in the sand. He wont talk about what happened anymore because he finds it too upsetting because he feels so guilty. He will never deal with things and learn from them, just wants to pretend like they never happened. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to mess up again. I don't want to admit that I've been looking through his phone because it really upsets him, he starts ranting and raving about trust and privacy. I don't have the energy to have that argument anymore.

Then I get the fear of being on my own. I know I can cope financially, and with the children and work. It's the company I will miss, and the (somewhat) security. I care for him and love him but I am angry at him. I don't have a lot of friends and don't see them that often. I had two close friends but they both moved away. He is the one I spend my time with, the one I talk to. He is supposed to be my partner, if I can't trust him, who can I trust? Will I ever be able to have another relationship? Where the hell would I meet someone? Could I trust them? Would he go and find another girl and have babies with her and buy her a house?

Thanks for hearing my rants... If you've made it this far, any comments would be greatly appreciated :(

tushnurse posted 1/31/2014 12:35 PM

Amber - Simply put your and your children deserve more.

You have a man that has not commited to M, and doesn't have a reliable job, because you always come through with funds for him. Because you are playing happy family already, so why get M.

I think you need to step back and look at this as an outsider or if it were a sibling or your child in your situation, what advice would you give them? To tolerate this POS man, who disrespects, and manipulates you, takes your money, and leaves you with no support? Or would you tell them to pack their stuff and run, go home to mom and dad, go be with a sibling or best friend, but do not tolerate another a minute of this.

He is clearly enjoying whatever ego nibbles he can get, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he has many women that he is texting, he has no reason to stop. That is until you give him a reason.

You are young, or at least sound young, your life can be soooo much more. Being alone, being a single mom is not the end of the world. Being in a relationship where you have to share some unreliable lying, dope smoking jerk, that to me would be way worse than being on my own, living by my own rules.

Read up on the 180, get your ducks in a row, and get out while you can.

steadfast1973 posted 1/31/2014 15:03 PM

Your life sounds much like my pre M life with WH. All of his friends were women. Drama loving , vindictive, manipulative women. That he lied to to look good.

lovedmesomehim posted 1/31/2014 15:12 PM

Hi Amber13,

I read your entire post, but do not know your story, as I did not search for more. I tell you this, because my response is based purely on what you have written here.

Yes, as tushnurse points out, you do sound young. That's a very good thing in your circumstances, because your whole life is waiting for you to orchestrate it. You are in charge of yourself and the lives of your children.

I do not see much independence in your post, but I do see a lot of wishful wondering. Please stop thinking of a vacation with this man and any other dreamy, family outings. It will all be one big lie. This man is not family material, from what you have written.

Maybe I am looking at this incorrectly and I apologize in advance if this is offensive to you. If you were my daughter, I would tell you the following:

1. Cut your losses on the vacation deposit. It sounds like you can't afford it both financially and emotionally.

2. Seek to stabilize your own life for yourself and take charge of your own future. Everything that you have written about his attributes points to his possible ability to settle into a good paying job in the future. I have not seen anything that he is doing for you and your children right now.

3. There appears to be a lonliness here for you. Others will come along to tell you that this lonliness will not go away, even if he remains in your house. It is far worse to be with someone and still feel alone.

4. Establish a network of friends and support for yourself. You are going to need to stand up for yourself and create a life without him. Perhaps you don't feel strong enough to do this alone, but with support, you can do this.

He is talking and grooming his next OW. If he does this now, I don't think it will suddenly cease just because he marries you. I think this man is just as you have described...someone who needs to build his own esteem, based upon the attention from others. You also admit yourself that he has "issues with boundaries."

The transparency that you witnessed should not be a temporary measure. If he used to leave his phone and computer available to you following his first affair, then that should be the same standard now.

Amber, you sound like such a sweet young woman. I would hate for you to hitch your wagon to this man and be disappointed. He just does not sound like marriage material. He doesn't sound like he is longing for the life that you envision. There doesn't seem to be much that he is doing to enrich your lives.

Just try. Try to be more daring. Dare to make your life what you would have it be. ((Amber13))

blakesteele posted 1/31/2014 15:31 PM

Hi Amber13....sorry to read this post.

It really is up to a WS to actively and regularly work on putting and keeping the "f" in front of that.

It appears, having read this one post of yours, that your fiance is not choosing to do this.

I am sorry for this.

I know he is just developing these friendships to flatter his ego.

caution.....sounds a bit like you are minimizing these "smaller choices. As you already know...small bad decisions enable a final product of big bad decisions to develop.

I will say a specific prayer for you now.

God be with us all.

Amber13 posted 1/31/2014 15:43 PM

Gosh, thank you guys for your kind posts. You are right, I guess, I quite young to be going through this. I'm 25 but feel much older.
I still don't want to disapoint him even after all he has put me through. I was said I would never give up on him, but I think in the process I have given up on myself.
He is very manipulative, but somehow I don't think he sees/realises this himself.
I need to think about what I want out of life.
I'm considering draft a "marriage contract", explicit do's and don'ts, aswell as writing down all the questions I need answered that he has refused to answer, and giving it to him. I know it will freak him out and he will run. He won't be able to handle it, he can't give me what I need.
I will be made out to be the bad partner, the psycho, the one that drove him to it, a jealous, paranoid bunnie boiler. But then again, all his friends are stoners so does it really matter?
It's just comfortable in this life of denial, doing the same routine everyday, never talking or acknowlodging the elephant in the room. Just pretending. I don't know if I have the courage to do it yet. I guess I will keep you posted.
Thank you again.

whiteflower99 posted 1/31/2014 18:08 PM

Why would you want to marry a manchild who prefers getting stoned to providing for you and your children?
Why would you want to marry a manchild who openly disrespects you by having "inappropriate friendships" with... how many others did you say there were?
Sweetie, don't walk away, run.
You see what your future holds, don't you? It is only going to get worse.
Best of luck.

mainlyinpain posted 1/31/2014 19:01 PM

This:
I know he is just developing these friendships to flatter his ego. He can hardly contribute to his own family so lies to these girls about what he really wants to be.

Please look up narcissistic personality disorder and decide if he fits this description....then run!!

He just wants to bury his head in the sand. He wont talk about what happened anymore because he finds it too upsetting because he feels so guilty. He will never deal with things and learn from them, just wants to pretend like they never happened. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to mess up again. I don't want to admit that I've been looking through his phone because it really upsets him, he starts ranting and raving about trust and privacy. I don't have the energy to have that argument anymore.

The above sounds like he rug-sweeps, he won't talk about it because of how it makes HIM feel, how about you?
He feels guilt? More like he doesn't want to hear about his faults (and try to correct them or learn from them)...he only wants someone to tell him how great he is....these OW. He hasn't learned anything because there were no repercussions. He was inappropriate, you stayed, continued to support him....that's what he learned, that he could have these OW and you would still be there...so why change?

Think of your children's life in the long run. Right now they don't see daddy for what he is....but when they are more aware? Such an ever-present father figure will scar them...a drug-addled, self-centered, destructive human being who is not able to treat you with the respect you deserve as his partner and the mother of his children.

Their future and yours is more important than an upcoming vacation. You all deserve better.

Look forward to a future with your children and a new love in your life who will be someone you can look to for support and respect, someone you can trust. Don't waste anymore time.

Hugs to you.