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MercifulH posted 1/31/2014 09:29 AM

(Read my story for background)

So last week, I told my WW that in order for this marriage to work she would have to give up her toxic friends that condone and encourage her adulterous behavior, mainly one of her best friends who is also good friends with OM's wife (and we're pretty sure she is screwing around with OM too). She fought me over it and eventually agreed to do it, but then used her work email to email this friend after NC was sent to tell her she was only doing it because I wanted her to and not to email/text because I was tracking her accounts. Upon discovering this I blew up and left the house. She tried to force me to stay and wouldn't let me leave. Before you suggest that, no I didn't hit her. I don't know if she got tired of the resistance or if she realized I was going to leave no matter what, but she eventually let me go.

So this is where I truly started 180. I was done. That' it, fat lady singing, stick a fork in it. Done. I paid for a website to start doing my divorce papers. I tried to limit my contact to only business related conversations. I still needed information from her for the divorce decree. I stopped being sad, I stopped being argumentative, I stopped asking questions. I blasted her on facebook for all her friends and family to see. I was done with this marriage. I legitimately was moving on with my life. I was beginning to imagine a future without her, her family, or any of her friends. This is where I think she truly woke up. She said she tried to move on as well but couldn't. She begged me for the next few days to go see the counselor with her and I declined, saying there wasn't much reason since I am moving forward with the divorce. Everyone knows we're getting divorced and her friends are busy filling her head with shit about how I am abusive and controlling and overly possessive of her. I have never struck her in anger once, and before I discovered her cheating I never tracked anything of hers. They all just want to get in her pants anyway, I have washed my hands of all these people. This is where she woke up, and finally realized just what kind of people her friends were. Why I never liked them, and how they actually want to see this divorce happen because then she will be much more available to them.

I eventually decided to go see the counselor with her. Wow, just wow. These people are amazing. I couldn't believe how she was able to pick apart so many feelings we were experiencing and problems we were having. In a short 45 minutes, my perception of this whole situation was changed dramatically. I guess I started to see more of the why. She didn't take sides, she didn't judge. Everyone we had talked to before her, always seemed to be picking a side and blaming the other more. The biggest confidence booster she gave me was to tell me that everything I am experiencing and doing is 100% normal. I really needed to hear that after basically all her friends were saying I was being controlling, abusive, and making her into a prisoner. I am starting to come around and I think this might actually have a chance.

So, have other people turned it around when all seemed lost and you started moving forward with D? Do WS's typically wait until this last second to actually commit to changing themselves? Am I setting myself up to be hurt again by staying the D?

MovingUpward posted 1/31/2014 09:36 AM

Do WS's typically wait until this last second to actually commit to changing themselves?

Every person has a different level of "rock bottom" of when they decide to change. Some do so quicker than other and there are others that never seem to reach their "rock bottom".

With your new found knowledge you are allowed to readjust your direction if you want. You can press ahead with the D. You could put it on hold and see. Or you can abandon it and go into full R mode.

Smokehouse posted 1/31/2014 10:02 AM

I agree with MovingUpward! 4 year EA/PA just may also be the reason it took that long. Also, the length it took you to get the full story.

If you want to delay the D and explore where it goes, then do so. You are allowed to do whatever you think is the right course of action for your life. It is YOUR LIFE!

My WW snapped out of it after I contacted the OM's BS. So, the barometer is all over the place I'm sure.

If you love your WW and want to give her the gift of R, she needs to know what to expect. Your counselor sounds like they know what they are doing so stick with it. You could be rewarded with a new, better marriage. The marriage you had up until your second DDay, IMHO, was a sham. You both were operating under the lies of your WW's A. How could it have been real? The answer, it wasn't. I had two DDays, two months apart. Those two months between where I thought we had progress, wasn't real.

Now the work begins! I can honestly say at six months out, my WW is oh so close to earning the F in front of WW. It has been worth the effort. Even in the best of times my WW and I were not this close emotionally and physically. Something for you to think about. Not trying to sway you, I kept an open mind and if need be, was ready to call it quits. I let my WW's words and actions dictate my direction.

Good luck whatever decision you make!

Brandon808 posted 1/31/2014 10:15 AM

This sounds very positive and I hope it works out that way, but....

We have also heard of WS who seem to wake-up, seem to have their "Ah-ha!", seem to have hit their rock bottom...except they didn't.

You can slow things down but I would not completely change your course at this point. I would advise she not only needs to back this up with actions but with consistent actions. Please remember if you hadn't found that email to that "friend" then you would be chugging along in a very false R right now. So don't stop protecting yourself. If your WW is sincere then she will be patient and accept that her lies and deception require some rebuilding of trust.

TOMTEFAR posted 1/31/2014 10:25 AM

With the betrayal your W did I would find it Close to impossible to R. THe amount of dissrespect your WW has shown is staggering.

If I where you I would D and find somebody else. Your W is broken and the damage she has done you is, in my opinion, just to large.

Find a nice lady with morals instead. That will make you happier...

Twitchy posted 1/31/2014 10:27 AM

Do WS's typically wait until this last second to actually commit to changing themselves?

Typically, people are not open to change until they hit rock bottom. Until then, they think there is something they can do and still travel along the same path.

I think of it like this.

You're flying a plane. Then some of your systems konk out, but you think you can hold it together until you get to the airport and land.

Then you lose cabin pressure, so know you have to drop down lower so you can breath, but you still think you can make it to the airport.

Then you loose hydrolics and your steering becomes very difficult, but you can still manuever with effort, so lets keep trying for that airport.

Then the engine konks out. You're near the airport so you deside to try and glide it in.

At the egde of the airport you realize you're not going to make it, so just before your hit the ground, you finally eject.

As long as there is any hope they can just keep doing what their doing, they will. It's only until they realize their going to loose everything and there is no hope that they're open to change.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 10:30 AM, January 31st (Friday)]

jstbreathe posted 1/31/2014 10:48 AM

(((Twitchy))) Nicely put!

numb&dumb posted 1/31/2014 10:56 AM

Do WS's typically wait until this last second to actually commit to changing themselves?

I wouldn't call it that. I think that the WS often has themselves snowballed into thinking that this was not a big deal. They assume they'll apologize and we will forgive them and everything will be back to normal a month later.

I had a D in progress shortly after Dday. My W literally did not believe that I would D over this. She believed I was bluffing and eventually come around to the messed up thinking she used to be able to live with herself.

One day she opened a bill from my attorney and was shocked, literally shocked. I had told her many times that I don't want to be M to someone who cheats and lies. I also told her I was seeing a attorney.

She refused to believe that while I did love her, I was taking steps to end our M.

I was lucky to get some solid advice about not being to Nice a WW back into the M or love her back into being remorseful. I had to draw a line and not let her move that line.

Most effective approach I have seen to date.

After this I gave her 6 months to show me why I would want to stay M to her. To her credit she started that road to recovery.

To my credit I healed on my own and don't really owe any of that to her. If it happens again I walk with a clear conscience and can point the finger at her about why my M failed.

What I used to endured under the guise of the M is no longer tolerated without me verbalizing it.

My M today ? meh. It is what it is. Today I decided to stay M. Tomorrow ? I will cross that bridge when I get to it.