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EvenKeel posted 1/31/2014 10:53 AM

How is THAT for an attention-grabbing subject?

My question is to those in NB relationships where children are involved. Once you have intertwined the two (meaning hanging out at each other's houses including the children)... how/when do you have the time and privacy to dive off that bus head first????

I am early into relationship with someone who also has FT custody of his children. Between the two of us, that is five kiddos between ages of 8-17. Obviously the teens do their own thing and tend to be involved with friends but the littler ones would be about.

We are NO WHERE near jumping off the bus but he said something the other day that got my brain going. He said in his past relationship, him and his GF just went to the BR and locked the door. His children understood what that meant....that he talked with all of them about this being a normal-healthy thing in a committed relationship, etc. Including how noises heard are just to be ignored and are normal.

This just blew my mind...I can't imagine doing that. Am I a prude?

That said - this has to be an obstacle others are dealing with on here? I mean if you have your children FT with little or no access to sitters on a routine bases.....how do you coordinate your private times in your NB?

Disclaimer -
I never had this issue before because their kiddos were grown, etc. and I have never introduced my children to anyone I was dated. This is the first time I am comfortable enough to consider doing so when the time is right.

Just interested to see how you are juggling this. Please include flowcharts - bahahahaaaaa

Thanks guys!

Edited for typos....

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 10:54 AM, January 31st (Friday)]

Crescita posted 1/31/2014 11:04 AM

He said in his past relationship, him and his GF just went to the BR and locked the door. His children understood what that meant....that he talked with all of them about this being a normal-healthy thing in a committed relationship, etc. Including how noises heard are just to be ignored and are normal.

This just blew my mind...I can't imagine doing that. Am I a prude?

If that's prudish then I am the queen of prudes. I don't even feel comfortable doing that when there are other adults up and about.

Why is there no access to sitters? Why can't the older kids watch their younger sibling while you go out to "dinner"?

Yes it is a normal, healthy thing in a committed relationship, but it is also really private.

wildbananas posted 1/31/2014 11:17 AM

I'm with Cres on all points... I would so not be okay with kids knowing (and hearing?!?) what was going on.

Not appropriate, IMO.

EvenKeel posted 1/31/2014 11:20 AM

I don't even feel comfortable doing that when there are other adults up and about.

Thank you! Me too!!!!!

He admitted he might be more insensitive to this because him and his ex had six kids living with them so there was no privacy for twenty years. He is also sensitive to my perferences.

It just made me curious about what/how everyone else is doing this.

It is easier if you have an EOW child plan but neither of us do.

We have juggle some alone time so far just to get to know each other but is quite the planning.

EvenKeel posted 1/31/2014 11:22 AM

Wildbananas....I was actually thinking about you last night as I pondered this. Aren't you the one that tried to mesh two family of kiddos?

StillLivin posted 1/31/2014 11:24 AM

If that's prudish then I am the queen of prudes. I don't even feel comfortable doing that when there are other adults up and about.

A big resounding DITTO!
Hmmmm. When I was first dating STBXH, we had the kids do an overnight sleepover with their best friend's house. We met up when they were in school, and when they had weekends away with the grandparents....woooo hoooo, jackpot.
It was quite a while before I spent the night. Both boys were very comfortable with me by then.

cmego posted 1/31/2014 11:27 AM

uhhh…nope.

I did date someone for several months, although I held off on the "official" introduction of the kids. He had 4 kids, I have 2, and be both have full custody (he was a widower, ex has mine e/o weekend…so only 4 days a month were there were no children on my end).

His middle 2 were tweens, with 1 younger one, 1 older teen. He would wait until his all went to bed, but would tell the 17 year old he was coming to my house. So, generally it was like 9pm before he got here. Mine were in bed, upstairs, with doors closed and sound machines on.

The other things we did (and I know of others that do this too…) is met for "lunch dates" at one of our houses. Kids all gone

Where this is a will, there is a way.

There would be no way I would be comfortable with that scenario he described. Knowing one of my kids/his kids were listening? Nope. Noway. Nohow.

sparkysable posted 1/31/2014 11:27 AM

He said in his past relationship, him and his GF just went to the BR and locked the door. His children understood what that meant....that he talked with all of them about this being a normal-healthy thing in a committed relationship, etc. Including how noises heard are just to be ignored and are normal.
Um, I do not feel good about this response at all.

cissi posted 1/31/2014 11:35 AM

He admitted he might be more insensitive to this because him and his ex had six kids living with them so there was no privacy for twenty years. He is also sensitive to my perferences.

They could not wait until nighttime when everyone was in bed like other normal married couples do??

Yuck.

CallMeRed1 posted 1/31/2014 11:46 AM

I would love to know how anyone could relax and enjoy that sort of thing, knowing there was someone listening, let alone their children. That would be worse to me than never having sex again.

Surely when the children are asleep?? Or could the teenagers be "persuaded" to babysit for a couple of hours one day?

wildbananas posted 1/31/2014 11:50 AM

Wildbananas....I was actually thinking about you last night as I pondered this. Aren't you the one that tried to mesh two family of kiddos?

Yes indeed... I had four, he had two, and we both had them almost 100% of the time.

Looking back, I wish I would have kept things more separate than I did. And yes, all the kids involved had more awareness of our sex life than I wish they had... not to the degree of what your SO describes but more than they should have.

This time around, I'm keeping it as private as possible. Some things, kids just don't need to know. I'm totally on board with kids knowing sex is a part of relationships and completely natural but they don't really need evidence that it's happening.

EvenKeel posted 1/31/2014 14:23 PM

Thanks guys.

I know I am more reserved than the average bear so I just wanted to make sure I wasn't off base with my expectations/reaction. You know the shocked look followed by "wwwwell that isn't happening with me!!!"

He was not put off or snotty with my reaction. He even joked about it another time saying "I got it....two feet of sound-proofing in the walls and miles from the children if we ever decide to go there".

I know there will be challenges in this area if we decide to move this into another level down the road. Probably more challenges than normal since we do not live in the same town so lunch-time rendevous aren't frequently feasible.

It would just require more planning, etc. That is not a dealbreaker to me. Naked bed-jumping with an audience in the house would be.


[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:25 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

GrievingMommy posted 1/31/2014 19:18 PM

I agree with pp - the older teen(s) can watch the younger ones so you can go have a date, etc.

I won't 'play' when I know other people can easily overhear/know what we're doing. XWH and I would fool around at night and to use things (fan/radio) to help ensure we wouldn't be easily overheard. If the kids made a point to try and catch us, that's their fault. Haha

I make use of my bedroom door lock (after the kids are in bed)!

mandan66 posted 1/31/2014 19:56 PM

Exactly!!! Wait until everyone is asleep---how late do the little ones stay up, anyhow? And also lock the door, just in case!!

thyme2go posted 2/1/2014 15:37 PM

He said in his past relationship, him and his GF just went to the BR and locked the door. His children understood what that meant....that he talked with all of them about this being a normal-healthy thing in a committed relationship, etc. Including how noises heard are just to be ignored and are normal.

At this moment, my bottom jaw is dragging on the floor...

You must really like this guy.

Justgreatnews posted 2/1/2014 17:59 PM

Have him put a small tool shed in the back yard. Keep a lawnmower and weedeater in there. That will keep the teens away from it. Next, hide a bottle of wine or booze in there.

Go to a Mexican restaurant, have a few margaritas, but only an appetizer. Head home, and make a big deal out of how the lawnmower won't start....

Guess Feb isn't the best month for this.

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 6:21 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Ashland13 posted 2/2/2014 06:34 AM

I don't have any advice but wanted to say, kudos for feeling this way...FWIW, I would, too.

This thread I can relate to in some way, though, because the topic came up recently with regard to Perv/x and I thought to share the story...hoping to illustrate the decision you made and show that it does really impact kids.

My kids now go to where Perv lives with Fatty B for the common EOW (Every Other Weekend) stay over. My daughter is starting to struggle, though misses her father a lot, because he and Fatty B have been going into "their room" and shutting the door, simply leaving my kids and Fatty's own unattended. This shocked me, so I felt kind of as you do, is it me?

But when it bothered my daughter enough to tell a friend and to tell me, I thought, maybe I'm not wrong. She said she feels "very weird, Mom" and I don't even know this big girl who's with my own dad." She knows they're doing something but he doesn't help her feel comfortable enough to talk about it.

I have to deal with it somehow but aren't sure yet. I've been strict with Perv not talking about his "new life" because I don't want to hear it, but if it's creeping into my young children's life, it has to be addressed. I'm thinking the lawyers are the way to go because he at least pays attention when they speak.

Sorry for the long note.

EvenKeel posted 2/3/2014 11:45 AM

My kids now go to where Perv lives with Fatty B for the common EOW (Every Other Weekend) stay over.

Ashland....I have also thought about this scenario as well. Ex and his GF live together now in a very old (ie paper thin walls), single-wide trailer. She has her DS (18) full-time. My DS (17) does EOW.

I can not help to think they have to hear 'activity' there. I mean, the teen boys stay up half the night playing XBox so they can easily outlast the adults in the game of 'who can stay awake the longest'.

Ex's GF is also a toy party consultant so I have images of wild times. LOL.


Of course it is easy to outlast the kids when they are littler but once they get to older-teen......they win! I am too old.

IDK - I never-ever heard my parents having $ex...guess I thought I could live my life giving the same gift to my kiddos. I must be old-fashioned that way!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:45 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Crescita posted 2/3/2014 11:58 AM

Of course it is easy to outlast the kids when they are littler but once they get to older-teen......they win! I am too old.

You don't have to wait until everyone is sound asleep, just until it is a reasonable time to excuse yourself to get ready for bed.

I.will.survive posted 2/3/2014 19:03 PM

Oh my, add me to the prude list because there is NO way I am discussing my sex life with my child/his children.

Granted, ours are too young to know what that is yet. So for us, we lock the door after they are in bed and before they get up in the morning.

Sometimes they rise too early, but they can entertain themselves before breakfast downstairs and we can sneak in a quickie before making our appearance.

But absolutely no way could I relax if I thought any one could hear us or see us or figure out what was going on. I think I'm comfortable enough because they are still young and innocent.

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