[This message edited by wretched1 at 11:31 AM, January 31st (Friday)]
I am glad that you are reaching out here for advice and help. To help you on your way there are resources found in the healing library including a list of most of the common abbreviations that posters use.
Your Husband's world as you can imagine has been turned upside down. As he tries to work through things he will be on a roller coaster of emotions with highs and lows. When there are moments when he gets angry, maybe you could ask him to write it out and promise to read what he writes and then discuss it. This way it will minimize back and forths when things are volatile. It will naturally add in some time to allow things to defuse a bit.
I think the most important thing that you can do is to be as honest as possible. Slowly letting the truth out (AKA trickle truth or TT) really undermines the prior efforts. Please keep posting your questions and journey's progress.
[This message edited by MovingUpward at 12:11 PM, January 31st (Friday)]
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
I am BS...I wish my STBX was remorseful, he isn't and I only respond to "try" and help...
I lashed out in anger (underlying pain)...I wish STBX would have simply validated that I had a right to be angry and that he understood why I was angry. I also wish that he would have allowed me time to vent when/if I needed to...I would have accepted a "time limit" but just to know I had a safe place would have been so very helpful.
I imagine this is tough on you and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Stay strong, it sounds like you have a willing partner...There is lots of helpful tips and advice in the Healing Library found in the yellow box to the left...Good Luck, I wish you the best.
I just want to get it right any way I can to make reparations.
DD was 3 weeks ago today for my BH and I. I don't think there is any way to "make reparation". I can't make it up to him, there is no way, I can just pray that in he wants to stay and R. If he does, it won't be because of anything I've done to deserve it, it will be because he's given me the most amazing gift he could possibly give me, definitely not one I deserve, a second chance.
In the mean time, while he decides (he's told me that he won't make any permanent decisions for the next 6 months), I will do anything I can to start laying a foundation for a new relationship (because let's face it, the old one is dead. There is no going back, just starting over.) What that means for me right now, total transparency. My phone is unlocked and he is welcome to look at it whenever he wants, he has all my passwords. I answer any questions he has truthfully. He asked me to make a timeline of the 6 months leading up to the A through the A, so that's what I'm currently working on. I think all we can do at this point is try to start rebuilding trust, that's all we can do. Building trust is a long process so the sooner you start, the better.
We have been together since 2003
We have 4 children
He wants details about that night but it's very fuzzy and unclear.
Good luck with R and I hope you and your BH can heal together.
First of all, I'm sorry you find yourself in a situation where you need to be here, but I'm glad you came. It's a very brave thing to confess to your husband, and the first major step in repairing your marriage.
I've been in the role of both betrayed and wayward, so I can relate to both sides. My wayward story is similar in that I made out with a man while drunk, but different in that it took me 11 years to confess. You've put yourself in a much better situation by coming clean sooner.
My husband also wants details, and I don't have many at this point, also do to intoxication. What I can tell you, coming from both sides of this, is that it's very crucial to create a safe environment for those hard, truthful conversations. Your husband has a right to be angry, but he should also know that reacting with anger when you are trying to open up is counterproductive. It wasn't until I started creating that safe environment that my husband felt safe enough to share more details of his affairs.
Also, in my case, while I might not have details, I can share perceptions, thoughts, any peripheral stuff at all. Coming forward with any and everything you can remember without making your husband pry can be really helpful.
And no trickle truth. It's so damaging.
Offer your husband access to all email accounts, phone, etc. Complete transparency is huge. Be prepared for him to ask you to ditch your friends, if they knew about and supported your ONS. Make a timeline of the events of that night, to the best of your ability, and give it to him in writing.
Do not get defensive (so hard, I know.)
I wish you both luck and healing. Consider counseling for you both, individual and marriage.
I'd strongly suggest counseling, for you, for him, for both of you together. My wife did not start her counseling until after I moved out and we were separated about a year and a half after DDay 2 (2nd OM). If she had gone to counseling straight away we might not be separated right now.
Full transparency: give him your passwords to everything, communicate where you are/what you are doing when you aren't with him if he wants it. Being a BS brings a lot of insecurities and questions.
Information overload: If he wants information answer honestly and give it all. Try to give answers. I don't knows and I can't remembers are some of the worst things to hear as a BS. Even if you honestly can't remember to me at least it sounds like an "I don't want to tell you that so I'm going to say I don't remember". Try to at least give some information, If he wants information don't make him ask for everything, volunteer up information don't make him draw it all out from you. In my situation my wife hasn't volunteered up any information, even after caught. The only things she admits to is what I found. This creates insecurities in me, I think that because I've had to draw it all out that there is some things she isn't telling me. Also as a warning if you are withholding information and your BS discovers it, it will destroy your trust bank that you have been rebuilding.
Timelines: One of my biggest issues in my situation is combined Timeline and volunteering information. I've asked my wife over and over for a timeline and more information. But to me she wounds like Meatloaf, to paraphrase "I would do anything to help you heal, but I can't give you a timeline" She refuses to even try. To me that makes it seem like she doesn't want to risk contradicting things she has said in the past, or revealing new data to me.
Be patient: Being a BS sucks you never know what your day is going to feel like, what thoughts will run to your head. Be there for him, let him know you want to help him heal. Then help him heal, talk with him, help him.
Best of luck to you and your H!
Sorry to have to meet you here on this site but glad you found it. We all need all the resources and help we can get our hands on.
Yet knowing all that, and believing it, was very hard to deal with. It all just made me feel so very insignificant in her life. Not only did she cheat, and with a dirtbag, but it was all so insignificant and meaningless that she can't remember.
We tend to turn that around, at least subconsciously, and see it as a reflection on us, the BS.