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catlover50 posted 1/31/2014 13:02 PM

So I went back to see my IC because I have been struggling lately with being unable to let thoughts of the A go.

And she gave me a gentle 2x4.

She said that this can take 5 years and why did I think I should be over it by now? I said that I was just going over the same ground and not gaining anything new. She said it's called mastery and it's my mind telling me I still am processing this hurt. I told her I felt weak that I couldn't stop thinking like this and she said that feeling our emotions takes strength, not weakness.

I cried for 5 minutes.

She asked me to tell her what I was feeling and it was mostly relief. I had "permission" to allow myself to dwell and feel as needed.

Interestingly, since then, Wednesday, I have not felt much need. But my IC suggested that I find a quiet place to feel, to think, to cry, when I needed to. She also reminded me to not let "happy" be the enemy of "whole".

And scheduled a few more appointments with me!

HeartInADustpan posted 1/31/2014 13:10 PM

I understand where you're coming from. I've felt the same "Why am I not better yet."

I honestly felt that with hard work and some magic fairy dust, I'd be over this in no time. The 2-5 year plan wasn't going to be me. I'm a strong woman and, especially since I've been through infidelity with XH#1 before, I was on the fast track.

My IC told me that, with a lot of work, it takes minimum 3 months to heal for every year of trauma. So, I've got a fun 21 months to look forward to now. I was really put out at first, but I'm realizing now it was a "permission" thing for me too.

Good luck.

LA44 posted 1/31/2014 14:01 PM

Hey cat, first off I am sorry you have been struggling lately. You are smart to call your IC straight away. I have found myself being more proactive in all matters since D-Day.

When I read the 2-5 year plan I cringed. Heck! Put me on the fast track! I can see now @ 14 months that 2 yrs is not so "are you kidding me?!" As I first thought!

Well...let's hang in there and cry when we need too and embrace the good times when they come.

Have a good night

SisterMilkshake posted 1/31/2014 14:04 PM

That is a wise IC. Most of the IC's and MC's seem to want to hurry you up and get you "moving on" way too soon. Glad you found someone who really understands the trauma of this kind of betrayal.

I can remember when you were first here at SI. I could tell back then that you felt you were going to be able to heal rather quickly. Just so positive that you were going to beat the curve. I recognized me because that is what I thought. It wasn't going to take me no stinkin' 2 to 5 years to heal. This infidelity wasn't going to be messing with me for years and years.

Here I am at almost 4 years post d-day. Yes, I have healed. A LOT!!!! Still some stinkin' healing to do, though. Guess I am on the long end of the healing spectrum.

Bikingguy posted 1/31/2014 14:14 PM


I hope your IC is incorrect or I have 45 months! (15 year supper long LTA)

I think it is like kids, once you have more than like 4 or 5 a few more really does not matter

catlover50 posted 1/31/2014 14:19 PM

Thanks ladies! I've leaned on your wisdom so many times!

Sister I remember me too. It makes me laugh now. Wiser SIers gently informed me of reality.

But, yes, LA, there are plenty of good times too. I just need to remember that it can't all be about focusing on the good all the time. I actually was feeling guilty that I couldn't do that.

All of us, being these strong women, still have to go through this process and can't "tough" our way through it.

Thanks again!

AFrayedKnot posted 1/31/2014 15:12 PM

Skan posted 1/31/2014 15:43 PM

Oh hail yeah, I relate to this. 'cause, don't-cha know, I am organized! I am logical! I can Fix Things!

Fast-Track Sisterhood, I salute you! We may be a bit bull-headed, but we DO rock our bitch boots!

OnAnIsland posted 1/31/2014 15:46 PM

I am sorry that you are struggling, but glad that you
a) went back to your ic
b) have a great ic

i have been seeing my ic about once a month for awhile now, and am just over 2 year out. i have been struggling and feeling stuck lately, and my IC had the same message- 3-5 years....

hang in there.

HeartInADustpan posted 1/31/2014 15:51 PM

slight t/j

Sorry, Bikingguy, I should have clarified. That's healing timeline for PTSD related trauma.


blakesteele posted 1/31/2014 16:13 PM

Interesting Catlover50...

We just started with a new MC....guess where we started.....back where we started with our old MC 18 months ago!!!!

Skan has already chimed into what you eluded to in your latest IC session....that this second pass through is a time for "mastery" pick up what we didn't the first time.

Oh....and that guy that was going to beat the curve......yep, that was me too!

I am 18 months in.....2 years will be here before I knew it.

Who'd a thunk I would have been able to endure so much!!!!

Glad you found a good IC catlover50....jury's still out on our new MC....seems like her focus will be sexual intimacy in a few short more weeks....though she has a primary goal for me to continue to work on the healing from my wifes affair too........

gotta pace myself.....posts like this help me do that.

Thank you.

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