SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 1/31/2014 13:25 PM

My boyfriend (who really I treated like my husband) of 14 years started an EA with a Co worker. To make a long story short. I brought up us getting married, feeling like Oh my! We both are almost 30-what the hell are we going to do & he said he was scared to get married. & we decided he needed to move out.
I have access to our phone bill & seen he was talking to someone else for a couple of months (EA), before we actually broke up. He never admitted to seeing her, until she posted a picture of the two of them on her facebook in Oct. 2013
Thats when he finally admitted he had been "sort of" seeing her. (YAH RIGHT) He thought he had lost me. He started doing all the right things, but at this time he was still trying to end things with her & his attention was never fully on us healing & rebuilding. All the while he was hoping we could make it work.
According to him, I guess after he ended things with her, she kept texting him & calling him non stop. He was honest about it at first. He had his phone out, not in his pocket & the ringer was on. His phone is a trigger of mine because thats where his affair started.
When I started ask ing him about their texts, he told me she was trying to get back together with him. I told him I was not ok with the contact. He told me I needed to trust him. I wanted to trust him so bad, but I just couldn't let it go. I kept looking at our phone bill to try to hold him accountable for his actions & the texts were still going on back & forth. Yet I felt bad for looking & it was making me crazy. I did want him to get another job but I never had enough courage to ask, because I wasn't sure where we were at that point of reconciling.
I love this man with all of my being & I want a life/future with HIM. Despite everything that has come our way in 14 years, we have made it through stronger each time. Our families support us. & We make a GREAT team. I cant give up on him just like he cant let me go.
We still talk everyday whether its text or phone call. This morning we talked on the phone for a bit. I think I understand that he is confused as to what he wants right now. He says he loves me & doesnt want to loose me, but I also see he hasn't given up the EA or AP either.
He agreed to come to the next IC/MC session which is not next week but the week after. I think that is a step in the right direction, right? As long as he commits to it but im really scared this is a make it or break it moment.
Has anyone every been in similar situation? What has happened? How do you handle triggers? Is your partner supportive? What steps have you taken, or what are things that have worked for you?

[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 1:27 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

TennisTC posted 1/31/2014 14:24 PM

Welcome Broken! I'm sorry for the reason you're here, but you will find very supportive and caring people who've all BTDT. Our stories have some similarities. You can read my story in my profile (click on the little smiley face in the top right side of my post).

Basically right now your BF has the best of both worlds - two women fighting over him, stroking his ego, and meeting his needs. Why would he cut the ow out of his life voluntarily? It was only when I said to my WH "I love you and I want to be with you more than anything, but a relationship is for two people only so as long as COW is in your life I cannot have you in mine" (and truly meant it) that he made the decision to cut her out of his life. You will here people say you have to be willing to lose your relationship to save it, and that was 100% true in my experience.

(((Hugs)))

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 1/31/2014 15:02 PM

Thanks Tennis! I Really appreciate the words.

We are going into our first therapy session together in a week & half, they doctor asked me to think of things I want to ask my WS. I am not sure what I want to know besides, Does he want this relationship? Will he find a new job? Am I worth it?
We currently, I would say NOT TOGETHER or even R. We were R or supposedly I thought we were a couple of weeks ago until he said he needed some more "time".

Are there any suggestions on questions to ask?

TennisTC posted 1/31/2014 15:26 PM

I think your first two questions are a good starting point. As far as are you worth it - yes you are and you don't need him to tell you that. Know that you are worth SO much more than he is giving you now and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Right now he is not. I know it's hard, but try to put all your efforts and energy into yourself over the next week and a half. Take time to get a mani/pedi or do a hobby you love. You need to go into the therapy session from a place of strength and the best way to do that is by detaching from your BF and instead focusing on you and your own needs.

Something that really helped me was reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Also, check out the healing library - see the link in the little yellow box in the upper left side of the screen. It has great articles and BS FAQs that are very helpful.

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 1/31/2014 16:02 PM

Thank you Tennis. I was actually in there reading somethings & they have been helpful too. I am definitely into self help books I have read a BUNCH. Some for myself some for relationships. So I checked on Barnes & Noble & they have the book in store so Im going to go get it. I will read it & I will give it to my BS to read to. Im hoping if I become emotionally unavaiable to him for awhile he will start to see what he is loosing & if he doesn't, I've already started my own healing.
I am definitely having a hard time with emotions. One day I feel fine & the next I feel outta control. I also feel like giving up sometimes, because he seems to be stuck in "fog". Its nice to know that its completely normal to feel that way. I just hope that the day the hurt & the pain stops, is sooner than later.

[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 4:56 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

pearlharbr posted 1/31/2014 18:07 PM

I agree with tennistc. Your BF will continue to see both of you because he can. Why wouldn't he? You need to know and believe that you are worth fidelity and commitment.

I understand the roller coaster of emotions. When I first found out about his affair I wanted to try MC. At the first session my BF detailed problems with our relationship but didn't say one word about his cheating. When I brought that up he said it "didn't matter." That was the last time we went to counseling together, I continued on my own. I realized that I didn't want someone who would treat me like that no matter how long we had been together. I kicked him out of the house and implemented the 180. That woke him up.

Please take care of yourself first. If you don't, no one else will. You deserve to be treated better. Whether your BF will step up and be that man for you is up to him.

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 2/1/2014 09:00 AM

Pearlharbr was he still seeing/talking to this cow while you were trying MC? Did he find a new job? I have no idea how to go about asking/demanding things that I need from him. Except when I told him I wanted him to go to MC with me. & do I forgot about 180 while we in MC?

[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 9:04 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

creativecat posted 2/1/2014 19:42 PM

As I've seen someone else here on SI say, ymmv (your mileage may vary), but if I were in this situation, here is what I would do:

Prepare a list of my "demands" (needs, but really non-negotiable ones). They would likely include going NC with the COW immediately (specifically writing her a NC letter, with me keeping a copy, changing his phone number, closing social media accounts), finding a new job ASAP, getting into IC/MC, and committing to our relationship 100% (which in your case might be with some kind of timeline for getting married). As Tennis mentioned, reading things like "Not Just Friends" would be helpful, as would other books about how he can help heal this situation.

When he has agreed to your list of required items, I could continue to go to MC/etc. I would not let him move back in until he had shown me significant progress in attitude and behavior, especially with the required items. Again, this is all what *I* would do.

You could present this to him at your MC appt or ahead of time, whatever you're more comfortable with, but it has to be firm. You have to stop feeling guilty for looking at his phone/bill/etc. He has given you absolutely no reason to trust him, or to believe he wants to stay in this relationship with you. Until he knows how serious you are, he will try to milk the situation to his advantage, and will stay in the fog.

Sorry you're having to go through this. Take care of you, especially, and read/post often. There's a really good bunch of people here.