We are about 4 months from d-day, separated and in R process. Im in the "should I stay or should I go" phase (as our MC calls it).
I change my mind everyday, sometimes several times a day about whether or not to stay with this man who is a liar, cheater, and fraud.
But I know if I am going to bother to R at all, I have to give it my best. But I find that when we are together, sometimes I don't even enjoy his company. Other times it's ok, but I am carrying so much pain resentment and bitterness that I feel like I am just pretending like we are having a good time. I dont know anymore if I really love him, or am just chasing the ghost of what we once were. We used to be amazing together. But now all we do is argue. . .and not even about the affair. It's like we don't know how to communicate anymore without getting completely frustrated with one another.
I think, "whats the use of going on this way?". It would be hard enough just to heal from the affair alone, let alone all the marital problems we have anyway. Then I remember he is the father to our beautiful son, and a great father at that. And all the wonderful memories and times we had and think that if we had it once, and we are both willing to work at it then we should be able to get it back. He says he never loved anyone like he loves me and he is willing to do the work to put his family back together. I am willing to do the work too, but just wonder if it is possible for us to be too broken and beyond fixing.
Right now I just feel like I'm pretending to enjoy being around him (even though on some days there is a familiar comfort to it). Is this normal for this stage? And if so, when do you stop pretending and begin to really enjoy each other again?