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Feeling hopeless=(

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BrokenwingBird posted 1/31/2014 15:15 PM

We are about 4 months from d-day, separated and in R process. Im in the "should I stay or should I go" phase (as our MC calls it).

I change my mind everyday, sometimes several times a day about whether or not to stay with this man who is a liar, cheater, and fraud.

But I know if I am going to bother to R at all, I have to give it my best. But I find that when we are together, sometimes I don't even enjoy his company. Other times it's ok, but I am carrying so much pain resentment and bitterness that I feel like I am just pretending like we are having a good time. I dont know anymore if I really love him, or am just chasing the ghost of what we once were. We used to be amazing together. But now all we do is argue. . .and not even about the affair. It's like we don't know how to communicate anymore without getting completely frustrated with one another.

I think, "whats the use of going on this way?". It would be hard enough just to heal from the affair alone, let alone all the marital problems we have anyway. Then I remember he is the father to our beautiful son, and a great father at that. And all the wonderful memories and times we had and think that if we had it once, and we are both willing to work at it then we should be able to get it back. He says he never loved anyone like he loves me and he is willing to do the work to put his family back together. I am willing to do the work too, but just wonder if it is possible for us to be too broken and beyond fixing.

Right now I just feel like I'm pretending to enjoy being around him (even though on some days there is a familiar comfort to it). Is this normal for this stage? And if so, when do you stop pretending and begin to really enjoy each other again?

Morhurt posted 1/31/2014 18:40 PM

Oh, I'm sorry, it's all so painful isn't it? Are you in IC? Is he? It sounds like the communication issue is huge. Perhaps IC would help. My IC did one joint session where she taught us a bit about the IMAGO method of communication, it really helped us. H and I were never artists and still aren't but it's helped us learn to really listen. H also just bought the book Non Violent Communication, maybe that would help too.

I'm sorry for your pain.

whattheh posted 1/31/2014 19:23 PM

I went thru something similar but we weren't separated.

For us this passed at around 9 or 10 months after dday. I feel more love for m fWH these days now without much reservation.

Just wanted to mention this to give you hope. But i'm sure how much time will depend on many factors...

BrokenwingBird posted 1/31/2014 19:31 PM

Morhurt, yes we are in MC and I am in IC. He was in IC but wanted to stop because he felt that doing both was sending him it two different directions. So for now he is only doing the MC. Thanks for the info. I will definitely check those things out.

Whattheh, thank you for letting me know that this did pass with you. It does give me hope to know that someone out there was able to get through it. Knowing things like that is what pushes me forward each day instead of giving up.=)

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